When the Cancer Diagnoses Just Won't Stop Coming

Updated on August 22, 2016
J.B. asks from Boston, MA
11 answers

Mamas, do you ever go through phases where you feel like every time you turn around, someone you love is getting handed a cancer diagnosis? If feel like we went through a bunch a couple of years ago, but those were all elderly relatives, friends' older parents or people who weren't in my immediate circle - a distant cousin, a friend of a friend, a colleague's spouse or child, the mom of a child's classmate. I would join a meal train, send cards, check in from time to time, go to parties for being declared cancer free or wakes and funerals for those who didn't survive but I wasn't very far into the concentric circles of care.

This time though. Holy sh*t. In May, it was the mom of one of my kids' friends, someone I consider a friend outside of the friendship our kids have. Her prognosis is good - surgery with good results, 3/4 of the way through chemo, radiation coming up and so far all signs point to beating this (it's breast cancer and was caught early). Then another good friend in July, very similar - had her surgery, is starting radiation soon, things look very positive - another early breast cancer. Then yesterday, while spending the weekend with my 3 best friends who I've known for 20 years, one shared that she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer two weeks ago and it has spread to her liver and lymph nodes. Right now it's inoperable, she will either have 6 months of chemo or will start a clinical trial, may have half of her liver removed if it hasn't spread that far, and then they'll see if the tumors are shrinking and maybe operate. Realistically, the 5-year survival rate for what she has is very low. The typical course for this is that it's terminal in under 3 years but she (and we) are clinging to hope that a breakthrough could be right around the corner, or maybe she'll be in the small minority that beats this. Her kids are the same age as my younger boys, 10 & 12. This is just devastating.

Is this just how life is at our age (I'm 41, my friends who are sick are around 50)? I feel like I'm just waiting to see whose turn it is next, and wondering when it will be me or my parents or a sibling. I used to really think that by the luck of genetics and making good lifestyle choices that I could lessen the odds of being next but my gosh, these women are incredibly fit and healthy - clean diets, good self-care, do things like bike and run long distances, practice yoga, manage stress well. And here they are, fighting for their young lives. I guess we can just take the best care of our selves that we can, hope for the best and deal with what comes our way but really, it seems like cancer is just relentlessly moving forward and ruining lives with no signs of slowing down.

What has your experience been? Does it ever hit a lull? How do you deal and help without becoming emotionally drained yourself?

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L.E.

answers from Muncie on

A friend just died yesterday from colon cancer, stage 4. He was given a few months to live and he battled it for over 5 years. He tried every single drug and chemo treatment they would give him. He was 51. The love of my life was diagnosed with ALS in January, the life expectancy for that is 2-5 years. He is already in a wheelchair and cannot feed or dress himself. He has an 8 year old daughter. He is 47. In March my month old great nephew died from SIDS. It's been a Hell of a year. I'm 49 and I guess I just expect things to be bad but not this bad. Genetics play a huge part in things not just a healthy lifestyle. How do I deal with it? I just do. I have 2 children who need their mother to not be a basket case. I have many health problems and I am grateful it's not worse.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

A good friend and coworker of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer this past spring. It went from stage II to stage IV and inoperable. They can't even do chemo or radiation. The only thing they can do is give her hormone treatments to start menopause and hope that will help. She has 3 kids, one going into 11th, one going into 7th, and one that just turned 6. My heart breaks for her daily. I simply cannot imagine. Oh - and her husband is disabled, she is the only one bringing in a steady income for the family.

Cancer SUCKS and is scary. I'll say a prayer.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Grand Forks on

Crazy and sad isn't it?...It's all the time and I really have started to see it as "who's next?"....seriously. I hate to be so negative but it seems to be the truth. A coworker, 47, was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer....has a 4th grader and two college age kids....so sad. Maybe she'll pull through but either way her life's forever changed. I know exactly what you mean. I feel like the cancer rates have increased significantly, but of course I don't really know. I've wondered if there's something in our food/environment because the prevalence of it is astounding! I'm not a conspiracy theorist or anything! You've had a lot of loss, I'm so sorry. I've lost my mom and uncle to cancer (48 yrs old and 57 yrs old), freaking sucks...

4 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Yep it's our age (I'm 48) and it sucks. Instead of going to weddings and baby showers we now get to look forward to prepping meals for the sick, widowed and elderly, and attending funerals and memorial services.
What keeps ME positive is being that person who can give, organize, etc. Feeling blessed to be healthy every day and never taking for granted that I could be next...

3 moms found this helpful

M.P.

answers from Chicago on

I've just realized that if you live long enough and have enough people in your life, eventually you will experience loss. It can be loss you anticipated, like elderly parents, or loss that came as a shock, but without fail there will be a shocking loss.

A few years ago, our neighbor died of ovarian cancer. She was probably one of the finest people I have ever known. It made me realize that you can't take people for granted...seeing all she went through with such grace and strength also gave me, weirdly, an example of a good death. This is the way you do death..with compassion for those you are leaving behind.

I remind myself that we have eliminated major epidemics. We don't have something like the Spanish flu or the bubonic plague. We don't lose 1/2 our children before their 4th birthday as many women do in many other countries. We have much to be grateful for, but no one, and no country no matter how medically advanced or wealthy, is immune.

I think the way I cope is to remind myself that life is what you make of it. I can be grateful or sorrowful. Joyful or a source of misery. I probably think about mortality every day now, and that is strangely enough one of the benefits of friends being ill...it makes you realize how limited your time is, and how relationships should be treasured.

3 moms found this helpful
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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I think it's just what happens when you get older, because we are getting to the age where our peers start dying. I'm a couple decades older than you, but no, I don't think it will hit a lull at this point. If you live long enough, you're going to see a lot of people die.

I don't think there's a way to avoid becoming emotionally drained, and in my experience, each death builds upon the sadness of the last one.

3 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

it's crazy how it's escalating. it used to be so rare and tragic. now people are getting drive-through chemo on their way to work.
on the plus side, i think MORE of the people i know who are diagnosed with cancer seem to be surviving.
but yeah. the bombardment just doesn't end.
i deal pretty much the way i deal with most life challenges- try to be as helpful as i can without intruding, and don't dwell on it. that precious alone time that is the only thing that really recharges me.
khairete
S.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I hear you. I feel like I hear so much any more too. My dear friend just had a heart transplant this summer. She was suppose to be home in 1 to 2 weeks but instead she was in the hospital for 6 weeks. We really questioned if she would make it. She had one complication after another. She moved to rehab this week though and is doing well. Hoping your friends have good outcomes too.

How do I cope...I just keep reminding myself it is not about me and focus on doing what I can to help my friend in need. Easier said than done...obviously.

(I was talking to friends about this very subject today. My one friends said that 10 mg of Paxil really helps her.😊)

3 moms found this helpful
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R..

answers from San Antonio on

I have four family member and one close friend all in their early 40s...fighting cancer in all five cases it has metastasized to other locations. My closest cousin in on hospice and has weeks if not less, breast cancer in bones, lungs, liver, blood...was caught early and hadn't spread, yet.

It just keeps coming and coming....my step sister in clinical trial same thing stage four breast cancer spread to brain, lymph node and liver...another cousin colon spread to lymph's, close family friend testicular spread to lymph's and lungs....

We are all young in good health, good weight BMIs...non-smokers, healthy living and bam one right after the next.

My aunt and uncle in their 80s have a funeral a week just about with their friends...but they are in their 80s damn it...that's the way it should be...not in our 40s with young kids all the way around.

2 moms found this helpful
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T.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

Yes there seems to be an increase in cancer diagnosis. My aunt had breast cancer and now her husband has prostate cancer. So they are dealing with that. A lady I know who is about 37 or 38 announced that she has inoperable cancer. She is receiving chemo. A lady who works for me has had 3 heart attacks. I have an uncle and a cousin with MS. So unfortunately at our age sickness of our friends and loved ones is something to worry about all the time. We can just be there for them an offer prayers and whatever help they need. Feeling your suffering.

1 mom found this helpful
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H.W.

answers from Portland on

JB, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. We've had times when 'if it doesn't rain, it pours' regarding bad news, but not this critically and not to this degree. Sorry.

1 mom found this helpful
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