When Is a Gift for a Girlfriend Too Much?

He has to decide how to budget his money. Maybe he did buy some things for himself. It's impossible to know just based on the stores you mentioned. But it really is his money, and he has to decide for himself how to spend it.

If he is going to be disappointed later that he doesn't have as much money for Christmas as he thought he would or hoped he would, well, that will be a lesson to him. But he will learn that lesson better buy being disappointed. He won't learn that lesson by you telling him what to do.

I think you should let him learn his lesson. Chances are they won't stay together much longer anyway and next time he'll think before parting with his hard earned money so easily.

I'm going to speak from the other side of the fence :)

So my daughter dated the same boy ALL through high school. 7th grade (when they weren't allowed to date but sat next to each other during lunch), all the way to high school graduation. Not too long after he got his first job, this boy did the EXACT same thing. Took my daughter shopping, out to eat at a fancy restaurant, and probably spent about the same amount of money. So this mom decided to call me and my daughter and demand that she return all the items. I'm not saying that you would "demand," but from my perspective and after talking to my daughter AND the boyfriend, the boyfriend suggested the shopping trip, he made the purchases (she never suggested once that he buy anything), and he is the one that picked the restaurant. Boyfriend felt like "big man on campus" and encouraged her to post all the shopping and dinner on Facebook so he would look cool to all his friends as well as hers.

I guess I look at this as a "rite of passage." If your son has a ton of disposable income (relative to his expenses), then he is going to make good choices for some of it, and not so good choices for some of it. It is also a teachable moment for your son. If he blows money then he may not have what he needs later for Christmas or whatever.

Having been on the other side - don't call the mom. That is basically accusing her daughter of being a gold digger (and after dating for a year, I think that would be uncalled for) and putting unnecessary strain on your son's relationship - because the mom is totally going to tell the daughter if you call her. I don't even think it is appropriate to look at the fact that she is a "girl that goes shopping several times a month with her mother." That is completely irrelevant. The only one who spent the money is your son, who is 18 yrs old. If you need to talk to anyone, it would be him, and other than letting him know that he is only spending money that he will need for his own future, there isn't much you can do. You can increase his "bills," but that seems like a petty response to him spending money on his girlfriend.

Good luck!

My ds did something similar at nearly the same age, when he had his first girlfriend. I was kind of disappointed, discouraged, and well, a little horrified to know how much he spent.

But someone gave me some advice, to let the lesson sink in, and we decided to take that advice. We didn't lecture, we let the lesson teach itself. When he needed money for something, he didn't have it, and we didn't pad his bank account. We calmly told him that he blew all his money on a necklace that the girl was wearing. We pointed out that his dad doesn't go around buying me (his mom) a bunch of jewelry. Instead he makes sure we have money for groceries, insurance, mortgage, car, phones, etc, and of course if there's something left over, maybe I get taken out for a nice dinner or flowers.

There's not much in this world that is more immature than a 17 or 18 year old girl or guy. Except maybe a 16 year old or a 19 year old. It takes a little while for reality to sink in.

For now, I'd try to let your son learn this lesson the hard way. He's going to want to go do something with buddies that costs money, and he's not going to have the money. He's going to want to buy dinner for his girl, but he won't be able to afford it. Unfortunately, when she realizes he is out of money, she may very well move on to the next guy, and your son will learn a painful but important lesson.

It took my son a couple of years for him to "get it". He began dating another girl who wanted "anniversary" gifts and dinners, for things like "it's been one month since our first kiss" and "it's been exactly 50 days since you asked me out". He quickly realized that was not a healthy, mature relationship, and that he was some kind of personal, although handsome, ATM.

I wouldn't be too h*** o* your son, since he didn't buy alcohol or drugs, or gamble the money away. What he did was normal, although not acceptable. I'd sit down with him and show him the phone bill. Show him the car insurance bill. Talk to him about the reality of how much he spent for "stuff" for this girl, but calmly and not in an angry way. Even if they got engaged and got married, even if he swears she's the one for him for life, he'll need to learn that life is expensive, and that dating and engagement and marriage mean rent, health insurance, a car payment, etc. Talk to him about how to discern whether a person loves him for him, or for a shopping spree. It's very possible that the girl really likes him, but she's just as young and immature as your son is. Give them time, but give them a dose a reality. Talk to him about not having to keep up with someone who maybe has more spending money than he does. That's a hard lesson. A girl whose mom takes her to Nordstrom's and for manicures and who loves to go shopping and buy impulses may not appreciate that your son is saving money for school and doesn't have an unlimited budget. Teach him about other ways of showing the girl how special she is. And if she doesn't appreciate a walk in the park and a handwritten note and a single flower, what does that mean?

It sounds like you made a decision to allow him to keep his salary. It's the "big kid" version of an allowance and he is spending it on "big kid candy". So, let him learn and feel the consequences when that money is gone.

If you plan to have him continue to live at home after he graduates, you could certainly consider asking him for "rent" or money for bills at that time. But as long as he is still in high school, you can probably let it slide.

Also - $65.95 is not an expensive dinner for two people in any place I know of - that's like $25 each plus tax and tip!

ETA: Posts throwing around the "gold digger" phrase, saying you "would not let your daughter accept gifts of that magnitude", saying this girl goes shopping with her mother, etc: slow down and walk in those shoes before you jump to any conclusions. Your own daughter is 11 now. Wait a few years, til she has guys wanting to buy her nice things (and you wanting to have fun mother-daughter shopping time with her), and then revisit these feelings!! As MilitaryMom says, this stuff happens, to nice non-gold-digger girls!!

You've made it clear that his money is his, to spend as he pleases, so I don't think you can say anything to him about it. And he's likely to get defensive if you bring it up now, and especially in a way that is critical of his girlfriend (pointing out that she shops with her mother frequently, etc).

However, moving forward you should absolutely set expectations and lay out consequences. If you want him to start paying for his own gas for the car now that he is an adult, have that conversation. If you think he should be setting aside a certain percentage of his pay for college, then say so explicitly. Or maybe you can tell him that you expect him to be able to contribute a certain dollar amount per year towards his college tuition. If so, tell him that.

Telling him that you want him to be wise about how he spends his money ("don't spend too much because Christmas is coming") is very vague. In the future, be concrete. "You need to start paying for your own gas. If you can't, you won't be able to use the car." or "We expect you to have $5,000 saved up to contribute towards your tuition when you decide on a college in the spring, so make sure you are working towards that goal. With your paycheck of $500 per month, that's going to take you 10 months to earn so you need to start now. If you can't, we'll have to take you off our car insurance to make up the difference and you won't be able to have a car at college." Or whatever.

I think you should think about what you really want from your son, discuss with your husband, and then talk to him about new adult expectations _after_ the New Year (not in response to this incident, but because teaching your son to be financially responsible is the right thing to do). Don't micromanage. Teach him to set financial goals and either accomplish them or deal with the consequences.

We're not there yet but I would be upset/concerned also. We will be there soon I'm sure.

My sisters have been through this. When my sisters' kids worked in high school, they put 1/2 their pay into an account that was to use towards college. The rest was theirs to use however they wanted. I don't know how things were covered in their house - I never really asked, but I know at Christmas, etc. they got a lot of clothes covered etc. and topped up - and boots, jackets, that sort of thing. I think mostly they probably used it for movies and fun with friends.

As far as contacting the girl's parents - no, I would not. I'm not sure what they have to do with this. Nothing in my mind.

If you feel the girl is pressuring your son to buy her gifts - then it's on you as a parent to have that talk with your son - if you feel up to it. I personally would have that talk. I think it's part of parenting. He may not want to hear it - we had a conversation like that back in sixth grade with one of ours when we had a kid (a good friend) obviously start take advantage of our son. It became a real problem. Our son was naive and didn't see it - and has a kind heart.

We just put a limit on it - to teach him boundaries. We said it was ok to a point. So as parents - we're putting a limit on it. The kid didn't like that - and things just naturally progressed - he backed off, our son realized the friend wasn't such a great friend, and it was a hard lesson - but we were there for him. Other friends filled the void.

This girlfriend may not be using your son - I think some of this is quite the norm these days unfortunately. I think excess is quite common for some groups. I think just stress that there has to be a limit - and that as parents, you have concerns and if you have to set up a fund for him to put some of his salary into it for a) rainy day b) savings c) future use (college, etc.) whatever - do it. May as well protect him.

it's his money. he earned it. he gets to decide how he spends it.

Do I think he went overboard? yeppers.

Ask him how long it's going to take him to replace that money and if she was worth it.

I would also tell him that if he can afford shopping and spending almost $500 in one day? He can start paying for his insurance and cell phone.

He's going to be out on his own soon....he needs to learn how to budget...and how to spend....so tell him - as of next month - he will be responsible for his insurance and cell phone bills....

If he's banking $120/week, and you aren't already charging him something for his car insurance, gas, and/or cell phone, then you are doing him a disservice. He needs to learn to budget. It requires practice, not just knowledge. You can make it whatever sums you want, but I'd look at you're insurance for a starting place... what does adding him to your policy add to the cost? Our son was not banking $120/week, and he was paying $20/week towards car insurance, and gas for the car for anything not school related (he drove his sister to school as well, so we paid the gas for to/from school). He mostly started buying his own clothes/shoes, too. We didn't tell him to, but he would shop for himself.

It's his money. You can talk to him about spending it recklessly on frills for the girlfriend, but expect pushback. A better way would be to simply limit his ability to do so by requiring he fork it over in expenses. You can always set it aside or put it in a savings account (without telling him) to give back to him for college expenses at a later date if you want to. Or not. Give him bills to pay on a schedule (preferably matching his pay schedule at work, but not necessarily... he'll learn more about budgeting if it is not the same schedule, but you have to start somewhere.)

Has no one explained the term 'gold digger' to him?
Spending that sort of money makes me think she's where he's getting sex so he's not thinking about what he's paying for it.

He's a senior and he has college coming up - he should be saving for that - it's expensive.
Rather than lecturing him - he's not going to listen to any criticism about the girlfriend - it's time to do some budgeting with him and he needs to establish some long term goals.
Long term goals should help keep him on an even keel and help him resist when short term shopping sprees pop up.

If he stops spending large amounts of money on her - she might look for someone else who will.
People who only love you for your money/spending habits - aren't worth what you spend on them.
If this is the case then unfortunately he's going to have to find out the hard way about this.

But if this is true love and a real long term relationship - budgeting skills and long term planning will be good for setting up their life together and raising their family.
It's planning for their 'happily ever after'.
You might want to approach it that way.

To answer your headline question - gifts of clothing and jewelry have been traditionally inappropriate gifts for someone you were not at least engaged to marry. Many people stopped following that rule of propriety a long time ago and parents today might not even know to teach their kids (it's usually girls, but not always) to decline gifts from dates that are more than tokens.

I agree with you but with most people his age, you will want to avoid the topic of the girl directly because it will backfire. You know your son best, but if you suspect he will get peeved then don't go that route.

A person with no life expenses tends to treat all of their money like it's for play, especially young ones. That is typical and what he is doing.

What you can do is say that because he is 18, he is now responsible for paying for his own gas and cell phone bill/portion, for example. Give him a reason to need to think harder about his money and spending.

Oh wow. YES. You need to have a real talk with him. He does not understand that this is not how win friends and influence people.

A boy was sweet on me when I was young. He was 4 years older than me. I didn't have an interest in him, but several years after I got out of college, I found out that a girl had taken him for a ride financially. He had sold his photography equipment to "feed her gift habit" and then she dumped him. It broke his heart and hurt his psyche.

In addition to discussing this with him, you need to talk about a budget with him. He just cannot be siphoning off of YOU so that he can spend this kind of money on someone.And it's not even Christmas! What's going to happen at Christmas?

He cannot be upping the ante so this girl continues to like him. You HAVE to make that clear.

I get your frustration and disappointment. I'm going to suggest that you resist the urge to notify the girl's parents or to give your son an earful about what you think of this.

He's, I'm guessing, happy to be flush with cash and still have things paid for by you. He's been dating this girlfriend for over a year, so it's not like she just started going out with him to see what she could get from him. Of course it's disappointing that she would accept this kind of largesse from a boyfriend, and if she's posting it on line (Twitter, other media), then one hopes that her parens are monitoring her accounts and will see this.

Meantime, your son is not going to be able to keep us this pace for long. Yes, he's banking $480 a month, but he's not going to have anything left at Christmas except, perhaps, for her gifts if he has another month of salary. Do not bail him out. If he wants gifts for other people, let him work overtime or make his own crafts or give people "coupons" for babysitting or yard work or whatever they might need. This is a lesson in adulthood and he has to learn it the hard way. It will sink in much more if you don't lecture him. If you yell at him, he'll defend his actions even more and possibly try to repeat them just to show you who's boss.

I don't know what your agreement is with him about his salary - what's he supposed to spend it on/save it for? If he's supposed to be saving for college or to start paying for some of his expenses, he's going to come up short. Let him come up short. As you see that he has no savings, you can just plan a sit-down to discuss his college budget and ask where he's at with his savings. That will be a rude awakening.

Let him not have money for these luxuries, and don't pay any overages for his phone or anything else. If you're going to stick to covering all his expenses, then he's going to feel that his job money is entirely his to waste. But if he's suddenly out of money and wants even more from you, you just say, "Sorry, kiddo, we already pay $____ a month for gas, insurance, phone and living expenses. That's pretty generous, we feel. And there just isn't anything extra." He's 18 and he's an adult, so it's okay tell him that and to let him be one.

If you do decide to have him start paying for things, you have to do that without saying you know how much he spent on his girlfriend. Let him tell you, or let him just suck it up and suffer in silence.

This is one of those examples where parenting is more effective when you just wait it out.

Me personally I would say something to him but that's just me. My son is saving for college but he pays his insurance and gas. We pay his phone. But I don't think my son would ever spend that much on anyone including himself at clothing stores. Just camera and computer stores. Does he feel like he has to spend money on her to keep her happy? Yes it's him money but he needs to learn to budget. You might have him start paying his own insurance and if you don't actually need the help with paying it put that back for him but don't tell him you are doing that.

Does he have a separate savings account for college? If not and that was his college money i would be upset too but he will learn his lesson soon enough when he doesn’t have book money etc. and has to ask you for help.

Buy him the book “The Wealthy Barber” it’s a fantastic book that i give to all graduating seniors along with a cash gift.

Sounds like you raised a very nice young man! He banks quite a lot a week! I would definitely have him pay for his gas tho! As far as his girlfriend goes I hope she's not taking advantage of him! That's a heck of a lot of money for 1 shopping spree! Especially so close to the holidays!!! But that's young love for you sometimes. I would have a talk with him and just reiterate how hard he had to work for that money and to seriously think before spending so much like that on a shopping spree. His girlfriend should be able to understand it's a rarity! So I think you have to let this one go because your the one who will look like the bad guy here and it will be a lesson learned for your son!! Best of luck to you all!!