What Would You Do - Elmwood,WI

I don't have a 10 year old... soooo, take my perspective from an educator's point of view. Is this behavior typical for your son? I mean, is he defiant in other ways?

If not, you could tell him that you appreciate his honesty. Perhaps this is his way of testing you. It's a good opportunity to use facebook together and show him the dangers that you warned him about previously. He gets over a little of his curiosity, too. Then, take away facebook. It is, after all, your rule. You must stand by this.

Taking away stuff does not change the behavior, it simply delays it and causes him to be more sneaky about getting the stuff that he wants. I realize that he violated your trust and rules, and taking away facebook does not directly address this, the root of the issue. A more natural consequence would be to have him write you a report of the dangers that minors face on the internet. Perhaps have him answer for you in his paper, "Why do people have to be at least age 13 to use facebook?"

If you do this, you've created yourself an opportunity to provide him time on facebook (with you, of course) as a reward, a positive consequence for doing something that you wanted and didn't have to ask (i.e. taking in the garbage cans on trash day). You've taken control of the situation, punished him appropriately, and have a source of motivation under your control. Plus, the lines of communication are still open, one of most tentative things at his developmental stage.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Not only that, I'd take away all of his computer access for awhile. Don't let him go the library without supervision for a period of time either. It is absolutely not okay for him to disobey you like that. Additionally, it's dangerous for a child of his age to be using facebook--who knows what kinds of predators he might encounter! He needs to know that you will enforce what you say to him.

Good luck!
J.

1 mom found this helpful

Just go in an set up the security settings so random people can't friend him or see his profile, and so you get copied on everything he does on his account. There are a number of websites that tell you exactly how to do this, just google it. My 7 year old has an account. It can be a great way for them to keep in touch with out of town cousins, grandparents, etc. As long as you have the proper security settings on his account, it doesn't matter if he is at school or wherever, his account will still have the same security setup. Yes, it's scary to have your kids out there on the internet, but as long as you are supervising him while he is online and talking to him about internet safety, he will be fine. I think most kids that age these days do have an internet account of some sort - at least on facebook as a parent you do have some control over who sees what, and you have the option of receiving every little notification in your email in box.

The long and the short of it - to me, this seems like a battle you will not win in the long run, so it's probably best to find a way to compromise and keep him safe within some boundaries. Eventually he'll have facebook, twitter, my space and everything else. We live in an online world these days.

1 mom found this helpful

Without telling your son, talk to the school and ask them to ban facebook! It's innapropriate for elementary school!

First, I'm surprised the school computers allowed him access to this website. My son is a freshman in high school and he can't access Facebook. The computers in his school district are set up so you can only access certain cites and FB and My Space are among those that are not accessible. You said that you need to be 13 to have a FB account. I believe that you have to be 16. My 15 year old put in his real birthday and it automatically switched the year to reflect that he is 16. With his account I set up the password so if he wants to get on his FB I have to sign him in. That is how I do it and it works. I know he doesn't know the password because I change it every few weeks. It works and I feel better about him being online. Good luck.

Let him try it out, but only if you have full access as a "friend".
If you don't have your own account, set one up. If you aren't that familiar with the whole facebook thing, have a friend who is walk through it with you. Make sure you are a "full access friend". That way it's an open book you can view at any time. Then limit time spent on it. It's the wave of the future, I'm afraid!

I would closely monitor his activity on face-book- he could be exposed to harmful infulences. I personnaly think ten is too young to be on face-book- so maybe you should just shut down his account and be done with it. As far as the library goes- if you tell the head librarian that he isn't allowed to go on certain sites- she will block them for you!Urgg the world is so scary!!!<3 Hope this helped U!

My daughter who is 10 wants a facebook page, also, since we have a lot of family on there that live out of state. I told her the only way she can have her own page (when I do eventually let her have one) will be if it goes through my e-mail address so I can moniter what she is doing.

If you already told him he couldn't have one why should the answer change because he deliberately disobeyed you? I'd take it away in a heartbeat AND install some controls on the computer so he can't access social networking sites without a password you set.

I think you're right not to let your 10 year old have his own Facebook account, but even if you're not, you're right to enforce your rules in your house.

Hope this helps.
T.

T.,
Yes, I would definitely take it away. Otherwise it gives the message he does not have to obey rules. To his credit, he did tell you about it.
I would also get a password on the computer so he could not use it unsupervised. Pornography is a much worse possibility. Is is so easy to access on a computer and such a temptation for boys. And once they see it, it is impossible to erase from their minds.
V.

Hey T.,

We have gone through something somewhat similar with my stepson (age 12) and what we did is that all of the computers in the house have passwords and so we need to log him in. Also, he should give you the password to his facebook account, at least until he is 13 so that you are able to monitor what he is doing and what applications he has accepted. Unfortunately facebook is huge for everyone and kids don't want to be left out. I don't agree with him going behind your back but at the same time you need to look at it from his perspective. Find out why he wants the account, if it is to play the games and talk with friends then he should be allowed the account but again with you having the password. Also, as for the punishment, I would personally give him extra chores and explain to him that he does need to regain your trust again and if possible make sure that he is only using the computer when you or another responsible adult is in the room until he can prove his honesty. Just a few thoughts, hope some of them work for you.

It sounds like he asked you to set one up & you said no & gave him reasons for your answer. Then he set one up anyway & came clean about it. He should be grounded for disobeying you. Then after his punishment the both of you can sit down and make some rules about whether or not you will allow him to have a FB account. Just because he came clean doesnt mean that he shouldn't have a punishment he still went behind your back.

Also some moms said to make sure he adds you as a friend but he still can hide stuff from you. He can make it so you see only what he wants you to see.

I would like to add that when my dghtr was this age (she's 19 now) whenever she didnt think our answer was fair we told her to think about it & if she still didnt agree with us then she should come to us & ask us if the topic was negotiable. This really helped our relationship & we recognized that something was important to her & she was getting older. Sometimes it worked in her favor & sometimes it didnt but she at least got what she wanted sometimes.

Talk to him and find out why it is so important he has a facebook account. Don't just punish him (although he does need to be punished) Facebook can be a great places to 'hangout' with friends but can also be very dangerous. At ten he is very young to understand a lot of the dangers out there. Keep the communication up, so much more important than letting him have a facebook account. Once they started doing things behind your back, they are most vulunable to predators, such....

It's hard to face, but this is what kids are doing now--and the age of technology is going to keep advancing! lol If you punish him by "taking it away", there's a possibility that he'll just hide it when he does do it. If his account gets closed, all he has to do is open a new one. I would take the advice to talk to him about it & be very involved in his usage. You should get your own account & "friend" him, so that you also have access to it. You do need to get on his account & get the security settings changed ASAP!!! Make sure that you have his password at all times so you can monitor it!

I HIGHLY disagree with the last poster, Chesapeake. Kids will find ways to be sneaky or fit in with the in-crowd at any cost - if they truly feel it's 'necessary'. It doesn't matter how involved or uninvolved they are in activities or how much you show you love him or don't love him. It seems like a normal part of growing up. My oldest now is just 2 years old, so I have little advice on how to actually address your concern, but I know I will face similar situations when my kids are older. Good luck to you! I think most of all - keep the lines of communication open with your son. Show that you want to respect the things he feels are important to his social life and talk about ways you can compromise, so that he is able to respect the boundaries you want for him and you are able to respect and facilitate what he feels he needs to fit in with his friends. Loving and listening communication above all - not just in this situation, but as a general rule.

He told you, if the consequences are too severe next time he just wont tell you. You want to keep that line of communication open. Just keep that in mind.

I have let my 10 year old daughter have a FB account but I know the password so I can get on it all time. I also have an account so I am able to see everything she does. She also is not allowed to add any friends until I approve. She mostly goes on to play the games and she has two friends on there she talks to that she goes to school with. We also have almost all of our family 12 hours away from us so it is a great way for her to keep in touch with them. They leave her notes all the time. The way I look at I'd rather she do it while I know she's doing it then go behind my back. Because no matter how close you are or strict you are with your children they will find a way. Trust me I was that way. My parents were very strict so I just did it behind their backs kids will do anything to fit in. There are things you have to say no to I understand that but the as long as you have the password it's really harmless because then you are in control of it.

I think I would reward his honesty of coming forward to you, this is the exact kind of openness that you will want and need over the next 10 years. I'd let him know that I was disappointed that he set up the account, and help him to make his account 'legal' by giving the account parental consent... If you feel the need to 'punish' him, perhaps put his FB account in 'time out' for a month or something.
And I'd for sure make sure I'm one of his FB friends so I could monitor what goes on there. He will no doubt get into situations that are risky and having an open conversation about what goes on on FB will be increasingly important.

The alternative is to take it away... but you can see he's already able to set it up without your permission or knowledge, so I wouldn't go that route. It would set him up for doing similar things going forward without telling you, and that's a much worse situation.

If you think about it...unless you specifically told him he Cannot make a Facebook account he didn't really go behind your back. Yes he is too young...but what can you do when web-sites don't ask to see your ID. I would suggest having the e-mail be yours so you can see all the activity that is posted and e-mailed. Also you could be his friends on FB to keep tabs. I would make sure he didn't put his correct home address on the site along with checking in on other privacy issues on the site. His school most likely has the facebook site banned from use. (they can do this) they probably have myspace banned also. So I wouldn't worry about him at school. The library is another issue as they don't do that. I don't feel that their is anything wrong with you keeping tabs on him even until he is out of the house at 18, the internet can be a very dangerous place for a child who is not ready to handle it on their own. So be a good mom and keep up the good work on making sure he is safe on-line.

First of all, since this is an issue of HONESTY, he should not be allowed to have a Facebook because he has to LIE about his age to have it. Second, find out why he wants to have the Facebook. What does he like most about being on there? Is it to chat with friends? Does he like the games? Ask and then have him show you before you shut down the account. Then find him an age-appropriate social networking site. Common Sense Media has a whole list of them, and these are safe and age-appropriate: http://www.commonsensemedia.org/website-reviews/all-ages/...

There should be some form of punishment, in my opinion, since he deliberately disobeyed you. If he has access to other computers, taking away computer time might not work. Maybe make him clean the keyboard - I personally hate that job! :)

He also should know that he has to earn back your trust. I love the idea that you have the password and he can only get on the computer with you to log him in. At least until he proves himself trustworthy. As someone else suggested, make sure you give him specific ways to do that.

Hi T.,
If it was my child I would take his facebook down immediatly and take away his computer priviliges for a while and install some kind of software that will tell me what websites he is visiting and blocking the ones I don't want him to visit.

School and library computers usually are pretty good about blocking sites like that. So I've got to wonder if he's lying about where he got access to a computer. The real issue here is he has WAY too much time on his hands and unstructured free time if he's pulling nonsense like this. It's time to get him busy in sports, taekwondo, scouts, church, etc to make sure you know where he is, who he is with and what he is up to. I'd take a good look at his peer group (friends he is hanging out with) and then make sure he has little time to spend with people who may have a bad influence on him. He is 10 yrs old, and you are just getting to the part where raising a child gets tricky, but how you handle his growth for the next 8-10 years will set him on a path for the kind of man he will be for the rest of his life. If you give in to 'every body's doing it' you might as well give up on being a parent. Our children are not lemmings.

I personally would make it clear that you are not happy and disagree with her decision. After that Id block it on your home computer and I seriously doubt he can access it at school unless he's using a proxy. So the only place he'll be able to access it is the library. The whole thing about Facebook is to be able to send little snips back and forth and you really need to be able to access it frequently. If you can't it will lose it's luster.

The other option is to get one yourself and Join his. Then you'll see everything he says and who he's interacting with. My sister does that with her girls.

Either way is a good solution in my opinion. Either let him have a little freedom or block it any way you can and hope it loses it's appeal.

Under no circumstances should he be allowed to have a facebook account. Regardless of if he told you or not. He should not be rewarded because he told you. That's a moot point. He blatantly disregarded what you asked him not to do then blatantly threw it in your face that he did it. Not very respectful in the least. Besides, facebook has rules that you need to be at least 13. Those should be followed. Shame on the school for allowing access to facebook at school. There is nothing educational with facebook and it shouldn't be allowed. If they can block it at my husbands job then they can certainly block it at an elementary school. You're the mom, if you don't want him on it then don't back down. He's 10 and doesn't know better. That's why we are the parents and shouldn't leave any wiggle room in situations like this. If you let him have an account then you will be teaching him how to treat you in regards to things he wants. Tell the school he is not allowed to use facebook and you expect them to follow through with making sure he's not on there.

first i would talk to your school. most schools around me have their security and internet set in order that facebook is completely blocked, not allowing it to be accessed at all. also mention to the teacher or whomever that non school related internet access is going on and they need to do something about it to protect your kid and others.

does your child have an email address? you have to have an email address to get facebook, so im guessing he does. this can also cause a problem, so because of his disobedience, i would delete that as well.

you are MORE than right to feel like taking facebook away. require that he let you into his account and you delete it. (if you dont know how to do this send me a note and ill go through it with you)

calmly and firmly tell him that what he did was directly against what you had told him, and i would even go as far as to remove all internet privileges for a period of time determined by you (and your spouse/partner if applicable). tell him that when he is 13, you and he will set up an account together, and he WILL be your friend on facebook, you WILL have access to his email and facebook accounts (which means you WILL have his passwords!!) and that YOU will determine if he is doing something that is against your family's rules for behavior.

facebook is a very very popular "tool" for communication, but it can easily and quickly become something dangerous and/or damaging.

then i would try to figure out where this is coming from. typically kids dont deliberatly do something to rebel against their parents unless something is going on. only you will be able to figure out what that is. if your son is only interested in playing the games on facebook, tell him that it is perfectly acceptable for him to play the games on your account. if he wants to talk to friends, give him a time slot every night where he can call them on the phone without interruption or something. find out the REASON why he thinks he has to have a facebook that bad. ask him why he did it without your permission (although im not guaranteeing an answer, kids dont think things through they just impulsivly act dont they. LOL.)

anyway. good luck. remember to put your foot down, and follow through. whatever punishment you give him for disobeying you, follow through on it to the letter. be rational and calm, because that will get you farther than being explosive. im sure he might get explosive, but it is your job to be the parent and be confident in your parenting decisions.

but like i said at first, you MUST talk to the school. i cannot believe that there are still schools out there that have internet which allows access to those kinds of websites. ours are so blocked up that its literally research only. :P but thats the way it SHOULD be. either the school, or the faculty member supervising, need to be VERY SURE that computers are only being used for school related activities.

If you choose to punish him (which I believe you should)I think you need to acknowledge that he came to you proactively re: having the account.

For example you might want to say your consequence for doing this is X ..if you hadn't told me and I had found out on my own - which I would have- your punishment would have been X times 2 .... A.K.A it would have been much worse. This way he realizes that coming to you is always best. Good Luck

I agree with the others about taking away his account, internet priviledges, etc. for a while. Make no mistake, Facebook can be a dangerous place for kids. My kids use facechipz.com. It is for children. It does require you to go to the toy store and buy "chipz" that they give to friends (about $5 for six chips) and you pay a one-time $1 fee as proof that you know your child is on the account - proof required by the child internet protection act. Only those invited friends with a chip and a code can be on his account. It is completely safe for kids. Go to the website for all the details.

Oh wow! Yes, take it away! My son is 14 and has absolutely no reason to be online and have a Facebook account, or MySpace. I caught my son twice with it and deleted the account myself as I made him give me the password. How did he do this without me knowing? We have a password on the computer so he cannot get on without our permission and us logging him on. I had a 10 minute delay before the screensaver came on, and every time someone wanted back on, you needed a password. I would be on the computer, then hubby and I would go straight out the door to do something. He'd hurry up and get on when we left before the screensaver came up. I now have it set up to come up after 5 minutes of inactivity and someone told me how to lock immediately when I'm done. Just press the "windows" symbol and the letter L at the same time. It locks up and needs a password to get back on!

There's absolutely no reason for a child to be online with millions of other strangers. Would you leave your child in the middle of a crowd of strangers in a room or on a street? If you can answer yes to that then let your child on the computer whenever he wants. He you can answer no to that, then put a block on it. He should stay off!

He lied and went behind your back! He broke the rules! He should be punished, period. Grounding to the house, grounding off his toys, whatever, but something that will hurt him and it should be lengthy.

The reason for not setting up a Facebook account is not because Facebook says he has to be 13. What will you do when he turns 13? He should understand that he is too young and that the internet is NOT a safe place for childdren, period. YOU as the parents will decide when he can go online on his own, not Facebook. Some parents I know that allow their kids to have an account, even at 16, must give the parents the password and the parents must check it constantly so anything they or their friends post is monitored! If the friends post something vulgar or nasty, the parents go to the other parents and let them know! Children need guidance, not full freedom, or why are they living with you? Just cuz the law says so? They learn through age 18 when they're on their own, and trust me, they keep learning years after that and still need our guidance and pulling them out of the fire!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/HarrisburgPAChat
events and chat within 2 hour radius