My husband and I moved to NC about a year and a half ago knowing absolutely no one here. We both were born and raised in the same area in really wonderful family homes (lots of guidance, support, etc.). We moved into a new subdivision down here in NC with lots of little kids running around. There are 4 boys and 1 girl all within 9 months of my son's age, so needless to say we were thrilled to have so many little friends for him!
Fast forward to today...we became close with all of these families (there are 5 families including our own), and we spend quite a bit of time with them. They all have their good and their bad (don't we all!), but I am finding as time goes by that I don't know if I would have chosen to be friends with any of them if we didn't have kids close in age.
My husband and I grew up in the church, and none of these men or women did. There is nothing wrong with that, but immediately, I think it changes the way that you think about certain things. They also are all slightly older than we are, and more established as well, so I constantly feel like we are being asked to contribute to things financially that we don't have the money to contribute to. Their parenting styles are also very different from my own. Two of the moms let their 3 year olds watch PG-13 rated movies. I don't feel that is appropriate for a 3 or 4 year old, and it means that their kids are picking up language and fighting from these movies and "passing" it on to my son (the one little boy's parents actually took him to see Iron Man 2 in the theater!). I get to each his own, but when you are affecting my child, I begin to have a problem with it! They also allow their children to throw things when frustrated, disrespect them by talking back, etc. None of these things are things my son does or is allowed to do and I don't want him to pick them up either, but it also isn't my place to correct them!
My question is...what would you do? We have a few other friends down here, but none have children my son's age. I don't want to make my son the neighborhood outcast because of my issues with these kids' parents, but my husband and I also come home from playgroups and evenings out SO frustrated because their children are running a muck and no one is stopping them! My son is definitely not the perfect child, but all of these families always comment on how much they love him and how wonderful he is, so they MUST notice the fact that for the most part, my son is not like their children. My son will be starting preschool next Tuesday, which will make me feel better about maybe spending less time with these families, but we still live close to one another, I can't keep him away forever! Again, I just don't know what I should do!
Thank you so much in advance for all of your help...I just feel like there is no place to turn but you ladies!
P.S. Forgot to add that we FINALLY found a church that seems to be the perfect fit for us. We start small groups in a week or two, so we know we will begin to meet more people who are more like-minded, but it is still frustrating... :)
Thank you for all of your help. We still do things with these families here and there, but have begun to back ourselves away from the group. Our son is still able to see them here and there, and I think he is appreciating his time with them more because he isn't seeing them so frequently! Thanks for all of your help!
As you get to know more people in your church and your son's preschool, make a point to spend time with them vs. your neighbors. Don't cut off your neighbors or the friendships you and your son have with these people. There will always be differences ... use them as opportunties to teach your son tolerance and time to explain the differences to your son and WHY you and your husband sometimes make different choices.
The most you can control is your son. I don't agree with the young kids seeing a PG-13 movie. I wouldn't let my 9y go to that particular one. His friends were gloating that they saw Transformers 2 and he didn't.
As for the neighbors, you have to live there, so you need to remain civil. I would just start making comments. If someone asks about a movie just say 'Im' not comfortable with J seeing that'. Praise your son at home. 'J thank you for behaving so well at dinner with C'.
Good strong parenting makes good strong kids, the other kid's unacceptable behavior will not rub off on your kids, likely the other way around! So don't worry about your kids, there are little monsters that grow into big monsters everywhere they go, they will make their own way since they are getting quality parenting. The bigger issue, why waste time with people who's company you don't enjoy? Life is too short! One poster suggested slowly starting to limit your involvement, I agree with this type of 'weaning'. Your kids will get older, go to school, dance, tball, religion classes, make WAY too many new friends, and new families for you and your husband! Sounds like you're doing everything right, Mamma, enjoy your family!
I agree with Michelle B. There will always be these types of influences and it is good to talk to your kids about what you allow and what you don't and how these friends have different rules that they do.
Just because the kids are friends doesn't mean that the parents have to be, but I would start trying to make friends with the preschool families, and just have less availability for these friends.
I would find a church and make friends there. Perhaps, you will find like minded couples, who raise their children in similar ways. Maybe, you could very slowly cit back the time you spend with the neighbors. They might not notice you spending less time, if it's a very gradual process. You might tolerate the frustration and spend time with them every so often, just to keep everything friendly and not awkward.
I think that the best any parent can do, is instill the morals and values in our children that we wish to see. We can't shield them from outside influences, but we can nurture and guide them towards what's right. They aren't always going to be with in reach for us to tell them what's right and wrong, we can only hope that they remember and act how they were taught at home. It sounds like you've laid the ground work, now you just have to stay strong and let him know what's acceptable and what's not. I have friends who's children run a much as well. I explain to my son that it's not acceptable behavior and it won't be tolerated in our home. For the most part he agrees : ) He's three.
Well for one thing you can limit WHAT your children participate in without ruining the friendship/acquaintance. Also, why wouldn't it be your place to correct the kids as an adult if you think they are not doing what is right. I agree you can't decide for those families what is BEST for THEIR children, but I do not see anything wrong in telling one of those kids that it is not polite to throw things and disrespect each other, especially in situations where your child is affected. Depending on the relationship you have developed with these families would also determine what and when you say it. If you do not feel THAT close to them, then eventually wean yourself by limiting the exposure with them, but nothing wrong in being acquaintances. Hopefully as you find this church group things will change, but do the best to change your situation for the sake of your children. You have that choice and you don't have to think that you are hurting feelings by doing that.
My daughter's bff for the last 3 years is not someone my mother would have let me play with. She has TERRIBLE hygeine habits (really, it would make your head roll) and her dad is a pot head. They are really really different from us.
We have strong values and are very concerned with teaching our children good financial habits. At three years old, my son knows that if he wants anything from a store, he has to earn the money and he does so. We practice saying "no" to buying them stuff so that they will not be irresponsible with money when they grow up. BFF's parents buy her an ice cream every time they pass the ice cream machine at the gym. If we are all together, I still live by our values and tell my dd no, we're not spending money like that. So my dd knows that just because they do, doesn't mean we do, too.
BFF has been watching horror movies with her dad. We don't own a television. BFF watches shows meant for teenagers and I overheard a conversation when they were 5 years old where she told my dd that you need to dress "sexy" to get the attention of boys you like. Of course I jumped in and asked her what that meant to her, and explained our values.
I adore her mother, but we're different. They are really good people, but we have different values. The little girl is amazing in so many ways, but there is no way my mom would have allowed the friendship. I allow it. She's a great friend to my daughter and brings other great values to our table.
I don't discourage the friendship, but I do talk openly about our values and expectations. We talk about how we are different and why. By example, we show our kids that you can love people different from you and still be YOU. Some day your kids will make their own decisions about friendships and will be subject to peer pressure. My thought is, why not show them how to retain their own identity and still be comfortable with those who think differently. I'm hoping that those lessons and experiences will light her path when she is older and not so much in our sight any more.
They have us to guide them. My daughter knows the difference between right and wrong and she'll tell her BFF that she's not going along with certain things. Then she tells me about them. I'm over the moon about that.
Good luck to you. Sorry for the book.
Unless you notice your son's behavior being negatively affected by his association with these other kids, don't worry about it. I've never kept my kids away from other kids because I was afraid they would be a "bad influence," instead I've taught my kids to make correct choices themselves, no matter what they are exposed to. I always figured that was a more useful real world approach, and it's worked fine for me.
Your PS sums up the new situation.
There will be less frustration and irritation as your family gets involved with your new church. and your son will have less time and exposure to the neighborhood kids while he is in preschool.
They'll still be the way they are but, from now on, less of an influence.
Try to take a step back and b-r-e-a-t-h-e, for the time being.
S.
You are right that you won't be able to run interference or keep your children away from less-desirable influences forever, M.. I have the same concerns about my grandson sometimes, who has cousins, aunts and uncles with behaviors and standards far different from his family's carefully-chosen values.
The only sane way I can handle it is to look at the differences as learning opportunities. Which is exactly what they are. Fortunately, at 4.5, my grandson is observant and very verbal, so we are able to talk to him about nearly anything, and his comprehension (both emotional and mental) seems very good. Does that keep him from learning to play-fight? No (sigh). But it does help him clearly keep that kind of activity in a "pretend" realm, and his "real-life" behavior and attitudes are actually lovely! He has no trouble sorting out what is kid-play and what good manners are.
If you become concerned that negative influences are creeping into your child's day to day behavior, a terrific way to help him explore how inappropriate that is is through puppet play. If you ask him to be the "parent" and you play the "child," then act out in some undesirable way, you will probably be amazed at your son's ability to notice and correct your behavior. Assuming you consistently live what you believe, if he's three or older, he already knows what your values are, even if he isn't always able to live up to them in the heat of the moment.
Keep your communication with your son open, respectful and cheerful. Live your values. And trust that he, being designed by nature to imitate the strongest influences around him (and that's you, his parents), will learn to mirror and gradually internalize the patterns you live by. Since the neighbors admire him, it sounds like you are already doing that with aplomb.
I would use this as a teaching experience for your son- I have had similar situations come up with my kids and I let them know that they are expected to follow our family rules even if they are away from home(no throwing things, no hitting, no talking back) even if other kids do it. I also let them, and their friends know that certain things are expected at our house(help clean up your mess, no fighting, etc.) and if they are over, they are expected to abide by those same rules.
When we get the questions from our kids like "so and so can watch that movie" or " but so and so is able to do that" We explain that we are not the parents of so and so and that they have their own family rules and ours are different. We don't do X because we believe Y. They have Uncles that smoke- we don't tell our kids that these uncles are bad, but we don't smoke because it is bad for our health but some people smoke because that is a choice they have made.
Anyway, you will always run into people who don't entirely agree with your way of parenting and the other way round, but by limiting yourself to only those with whom you agree will enevitably make your kids look and possibly act like stuck up snobs.
If your son is picking up bad habits of his peers, you should reenforce your rules and moniter his interaction with these kids to make sure he knows what is expected of him- no matter who he is with. It will help him to be able to stick up for his own beliefs as he gets older.
Good Luck!
~C.
