T.S. asks from Spring Valley, IL on November 15, 2008
What to Do About a Depressed, Shut-in Mom?
My family and I moved to the middle of nowhere six months ago. We have one car and my husband works an hour away. I am a stay at home mom, which means that I no longer get to leave the house unless my husband has a day off work. There is no place for me to walk to except the local library, which has very limited hours and NO mom's groups, book clubs, or story time. I have no friends and no where to go. I feel completely stranded and alone. I am not a very social person to begin with, but at least before we moved I was able to get out of the house by driving my husband to work and taking the car for the day. I didn't meet anyone for lunch, but at least I got a two minute human interaction with the lady behind the starbucks counter. With the weather turning colder and it getting darker so soon, this has really started to affect my mood. I'm turning into a mean mom who snaps at her kids often and plays with them rarely. My husband tries to come up with things I can do when he's home, but I really don't need things to take me away from him during our time together, I need things to do when he's gone. Money for a second car is definitely not in our budget. I can't drive him to work with the two little ones in the car for four hours a day. Going out before or after work disrupts the nap schedule, which destroys the entire day. I am miserable and I don't know what to do, but I have to do something to snap out of this and be the great mom I know I can be. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you.
ETA: I'm in Spring Valley, 61362. There are tons of festivals and community happenings, but I have no way to get there. There are no buses or trains or car sharing programs. Even though the librarian told me there were no book clubs/moms groups/story hour at the library (she told me they didn't do any programs like that) I found out through the website that there is a story time on tuesday nights, which I will be going to!
So What Happened?™
I am so touched that there are so many wonderful caring people out there. Even though I haven't met any of you, it helps to know I am not as alone as I feel. I plan on seeing a doctor about seasonal affective disorder and trying to get out of the house to just walk around the block with the kids more. (I can use the exercise anyway!) There is a story time at the library that I can go to when my son turns 3, which is just weeks away. And if I can't find any more information about a club, be it bridge, cooking, crocheting, scrapbooking or reading I'll talk to another librarian about starting one there. I know other people share my hobbies, I'll just have to work harder at finding them. Thank you, everybody, for sharing your wonderful advice. I'll continue to take any more if you think of it, but this is definitely a good starting off place for me to be brave and sociable.
Featured Answers
L.B. answers from Peoria on November 16, 2008
I would join an online moms group. That way you have other women to vent/share/ and help with those hard days. You can form a bond with these women, even though they may not live nearby.
I belong to one and am a sahm as well, it made ALL the difference in the world to know that i wasnt alone.
1 mom found this helpful
A.B. answers from Champaign on November 16, 2008
I have no advice since I also stay at home and I get really depressed over the winter. I start as soon as the sun starts setting before 6pm. It's hard. I end up staying online more and more - at least I can talk to people without a massive phone bill and I don't have to use up gas money to get there. Eventually you will have to save up for a second car. It's not fair to be stuck in a house all the time.
In any case you can talk to me whenever you want. I have five kids and I'm usually home all day. My yahoo instant messenger is ameyace and my aol is bradfordfair.
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More Answers
J.J. answers from Chicago on November 16, 2008
I moved many times when my kids were young and found myself in your position at times. You have to be creative and resourceful. Because you say you are not very social, you will have to push yourself.
I would write up a schedule and try to stick to it every day. You can try an exercise program on t.v. or get a dvd, or a schedule walk. You may be able to get some from the library. Exercise will help with the depression.
You may want to try and schedule telephone sessions with friends in the meantime for that human interaction that is so important to us all.
You say there is a local library but no story time or book club, you should ask the librarian about getting one started. Odds are there are more people interested in having such programs, sometimes you have to be the one to initiate, you may have to be persistent. You may be able to meet other mothers through the library and then try to form a playgroup. Is your oldest in school? The school could be a resource for meeting other mothers.
I would also try to find a hobby that you like, maybe one that you can share with your kids, or maybe one only for you. Some hobbies like quilting have vast networks of people and information out there. You can research online or get books. You can experiment. Learning something new is always exciting. It doesn't have to be expensive, you can shop at charity shops for supplies.
I would cook enough during the week so you don't have to cook on the weekends. You can then go out yourself or as a family. Your husband may enjoy time alone with the kids, and you will be energized after getting out. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your husband and kids.
You may want to try and take a night class if any are available near you. One night out a week would be good for you and your family. The class could be anything... academic, exercise, creative.
Good luck. You will get through this.
2 moms found this helpful
E.B. answers from Chicago on November 17, 2008
Hi T.,
I saw from you profile that you live in Spring Valley, IL. I looked up the website, and your library has story time for preschoolers -
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http://www.spring-valley.il.us/community/library.html (towards the bottom of the page):
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6:00pm - 6:30pm.
Ages 3-5. Siblings welcome! Remember, good listeners...great times! Stories, finger plays, giggles and more
Children's Room
Lower Level
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I know you are looking for something during the day, but if I were you I would attend this one, just for the sake of meeting other moms in the area.
There is also a storytime in library in Peru, which is the town close by: http://www.perulibrary.org/youth/storytime.htm
Also, I had found a local paper online, that has classified section:
http://www.newstrib.com/
and another link to the local radio station:
http://www.wlpo.net/event-calendar/
I hope you feel better, amd good luck!
2 moms found this helpful
K.M. answers from Chicago on November 16, 2008
You've received some wonderful advice. I also recommend the self-inquiry process from Byron Katie for dealing with stressful thoughts (thework.com). Remember that happiness is an inside job. There is a core of Peace and Joy within you that cannot be touched by any external situation- you just need to find a way to access and reconnect with it. Some ways that help me to do that are doing The Work to question my stressful thoughts, writing in a gratitude/appreciation journal, looking for positive aspects and staying present in the Now. Much love and positive energy being sent your way!
1 mom found this helpful
K.D. answers from Chicago on November 17, 2008
Along with all the other advice, I'd suggest taking one night or time on the weekend away from the kids and husband just for yourself. Try different things at first to see what you enjoy. Maybe try a class, volunteer, do something where you are in a position to interact with others. It is nice to interact with parents of similar ages, but keep in mind that you are needing time for yourself. I'm in a book club with women inclusive of all different backgrounds and ages. I'd be bored if we all had the same opinion. You might find a social outlet where you would least expect it.
1 mom found this helpful
K.B. answers from Chicago on November 23, 2008
T.-
I noticed that you have an "almost" 10 year old. Maybe you could set up a play date after school with some of his or her friends, in order to meet the childrens's moms. (or care givers) You may find out that they have children around the ages of your little ones. It might be a good start, anyway. You may be lucky to be a sahm, but as many here have noted, that doesn't make it easy. ;) No matter how wonderful your kids are, you still need some adult interaction! It's hard to make that first step, but it will be well worth it. Remember, if you aren't taking care of yourself, you're teaching your kids to do the same. You're worth it!
1 mom found this helpful
A.G. answers from Chicago on November 17, 2008
Hi T., oh man do I remember feeling like you do. My husband worked and we only had one car. I was at my wits end and felt totally trapped.
I did a few things that helped me get out of my funk - I found out that most churches have a bi-weekly group called MOPS - Mother's of Pre-Schoolers. It's ok if your child is younger than a pre-schooler, it's actually designed for moms with kids up to age 4 or 5. It's also a non-religious group, so there won't be any "recruiting" if you are not a regular church-goer.
I also started taking my daughter to the pet store down the block. I never bought anything there, I just took her there to look at the fish and animals. She would have the time of her life, we'd be in there for an hour at a time.
Another thing you can do is find out where the bus stop is and go to the mall just to walk around. Kids love the lights, the sounds, the openess. You don't have to spend any money - bring a bag with lunch items and just eat in the food court.
Try a website called CafeMom.com - it's like a myspace for moms. See if there are others in your town who may be going through the same thing and make some new friends!
I like the other ideas too about starting your own group. It won't get you out of the house but at least you will have some adults to talk to! Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
1 mom found this helpful
G.C. answers from Chicago on November 17, 2008
You could look into starting a group yourself, there must others like you around there. You could make friends online and meet at the library. I've done it myself. then you could invite them to your home. Good luck!
1 mom found this helpful
K.H. answers from Chicago on November 17, 2008
Dear T.,
Sorry to hear about situation. I too was once like you. My husband lived in Detroit Monday through Friday and was home only on the weekends. I carried, gave birth, had the 100% care of my children alone for 5 days a week. I even went through infertility treatments alone so I could have a second child. This went on for 9 years. I was very sad and lonely for most of it. I was also angry because I felt that I was carrying all the burden.
I realized that I had to change my way of thinking. My husband had a great job and this enabled me to be home with my kids. I started to think of that as a privilege, not a burden. I started to think of my household duties as showing love for my family. I know it sounds hokey but it is really about how you see things. Make your house a place that you love to be in. This situation will not last forever. You are getting to be with your children full time while they are little. Very few mothers get to do that.
I now have a job that I am away from home daily. I miss my kids and they miss me. My husband is now the stay at home dad for the past three years. He loves it. I am now jealous because I used to be the go to person. Now my kids go to him.
Enjoy this time, T.. Make the best of it. This opportunity will be gone and you will miss it. Some day you will be wanting those simple days back.
Perhaps you could find some mothers who live by you with this group. Good luck. I wish you and your family the best.
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