What and Why Is My Son Doing This...?

Melt down at bed time is not so unusual. Sounds like he's over tired and needy especially after being sick. Probably the only thing I would have done differently is not eliminate the rocking chair time. Sometimes kids need to know you love them no matter what even if they are going through a monster moment. When my son was this age he'd have an occasional melt down. I'd take him and sit with him in the rocking chair till he was finished. I'd hold him loosely in my lap with his back to me so he couldn't hit or kick me, but he couldn't squirm away and leave either. And after he exhausted himself he'd calm down and want to rock a little longer. It's like being that out of control almost scared him and he'd need a hug and snuggle to feel right again. It's a phase a lot of kids go through. It gets better as they can communicate more effectively and understand cause and effect better than they do right now.

Here is my question: So why didn't you just let him brush his teeth and try it? He wants to do this. All you had to do was 'finish up' after he was done - and avoided the whole issue.

I'm not like all the other parents and thankfully, neither is my husband. We believe in letting our son have some 'guided' independence and make choices (from the choices we offer him).

This has avoided many battles. Also ~ we talk to our son. As soon as he was able to talk and use his words (he's now five), we talked openly of everything - daily stuff and things that bug him. We want to have him to be able to express himself if he is upset and TELL US.

Your son is growing up... I would recommend you let him, communicate with him, get into his 'shoes' and see the world thru his eyes. Make it safe and enjoy it with him. There are many things to discover and it's fun!

Punishing a child this young is useless as they truly do not have the attention span to fully understand the punishment. Don't bully him that way.

Hi there,
My son sounds just like yours in many ways. So sweet and loving one minute and a monster the next. It's a normal stage so don't worry too much. The key is to make it APPEAR that he has the power even though he doesn't. So say "Ok, you can brush your teeth for 1 more minute". I've found using a simple portable timer is great for things like this - "5 more minutes before we clean toys". "10 more minutes before we get our coats on to leave".... When that little bell goes off, my son knows it's time to move on. Boys especially are difficult. I thought my daughter had a bad terrible two stage - I was sooooo wrong! My son is much worse but I think that's a boy for you. Just take it all in stride and and make it positive and as smooth as possible. You just have to learn to twist things around to make it look and sound like you are saying yes, even though you are saying no. Give him an inch and he'll give it back, even if it takes a while for him to learn it. All I can say is that this will pass and you will eventually miss these days :) Best wishes!
E.

Personally, I think you blew it. You asked him if it was time for your turn to brush his teeth and he said NO. If you aren't going to validate his answer, why ask him. Next time say "My turn now" or something like that.

Also, it seems to me like you just randomly threw out his punishment (no story, no rocking chair) with no advance warning. Of course he was PISSED. He had NO way to avoid losing his story/rocking chair. Next time, you could say "Igf you don't XYZ, you're going to lose ABC"

Sounds like this is a kind of power struggle but it also seems like you might be rendering this kid powerless even over simple things.

Don't threaten future punishements. Kids his age forget about what they did wrong after a couple of minutes, so focus on that time. Dr. Phil had a great show about this today! Keep positive! If he wants another few seconds to brush, give it to him! They only have so much power to exert! Say, "ok, one more! Now spit and we're done! Good job! Now let's go read a story!"
Hearing "no" sets my 2 year old off, so distracting her works great instead!

Sound like a pretty typical 2 year old to me. My daughter does the same thing around brushing teeth. They want to assert their Independence at the age. One thing I have learned (though it's hard to practice, I still make the mistake sometimes) is not to ask open ended questions. It has to be either a choice between two, or you tell him what is going to happen.
I usually ask my daughter whether she will open her mouth for me, or if she prefers to be held down on the floor for me to brush her teeth. 4 out of 5 times she will comply and when she doesn't I make good on the alternative. I know it's uncomfortable and she will scream, but you have to let them know that you mean what you say.

I will usually not let my daughter go to bed crying. I don't want to go to bed in the middle of a fight, so I just think it's cruel.
When she freaks out, we use our usual discipline (time out for 2 minutes and she has to apologize if she hits for example) and we will go back to our usual bedtime routine. I have found this to be much easier than having her scream for an hour because not only is she upset anyways, but now she is even more upset for loosing story and cuddle time (tried that - was a disaster).

PS: As for water, my daughter always has a sippy cup of water at her bedside, so that cannot become a constant bedtime request.

Nothing too unusual in your son's behavior. At his age, he's excited about learning new skills and wants to have more self-control. Frustration is right at the heart of the "terrible" twos, threes, and fours. So much of what the child wants to do is thwarted by what the parents want or need him to do, and rules that make little sense to him.

There are a few tricks that will bring down his frustration level:

1. Give him advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on his activity/play. With my 4yo grandboy, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("Just a few more minutes." …"OK, one more minute and then X will happen.")

2. Whatever X is, make it sound as desirable as possible. In the case of toothbrushing, you might try an enthusiastic narrative like "Wow, you've been doing such a great job! Let's see if you missed any (puppies, fishies, dinosaurs…) in there. Here's a hand mirror so you can look with me! Oh, there's one right there; let me scrub it with this toothbrush …."

3. Talk up whatever is going to happen next, like story time, snuggling with mommy, etc. Again, be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though your son is too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

4. Avoid bribes, but offer future rewards. Don't try to buy his cooperation with "If you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important.

Little kids are just following their most natural inclinations, and experimenting with every automatic strategy possible to get their natural needs met. Your son tried several tonight:

He resisted letting you brush because he wanted to work at it independently for a longer time. This feels like quite a legitimate need from the child's point of view. Then he screamed to be listened to and taken seriously. Another legitimate need. He struck out for the same reason; he didn't believe you were hearing what he needed, and had no other resources left. Then he continued to scream, beg, and bargain for his parent's attention and love, which he was frightened that he had lost when you left the room while he was in so much distress.

Poor mommy, you are confused with good reason. Your clear intention is to be loving, steady, calm, … and right! You desperately want to guide your son through the choppy emotional waters of toddlerhood. None of this went well tonight, and you don't know whether to follow your heart or your head. I have heard a hundred times about similar downward spirals when parents encounter this problem and opt for some punitive measure (like leaving him alone in his bed without solace) while the child is still hysterical.

Truthfully, grownups may "win" by force if they see this as a power struggle. You risk some pretty negative outcomes that way, though. The child's will may be broken (this is my own history), or a deepening adversarial relationship may become established (my younger sister). Some spirited children may learn over the years tricks for wearing down or fooling their parents to get their way. Rebellion is common when the child gets older.

So if I were in your shoes, and didn't manage to avoid a meltdown for whatever reason (there will always be days like that), I would hold the child firmly but gently if he's hitting or kicking, or sit beside him quietly while he's tantruming, and wait till he realizes you aren't going to react, or abandon him, or punish him. At which point he'll begin to quiet down a bit, and you can tell him that cuddling and story time are still waiting for him if he wants it. To give him as much autonomy as possible, offer him choices instead of an edict. "Do you want a story, or would you like to go to bed?" "Which jammies would you like to wear tonight, the blue ones or the stripey ones?"

You're in for a bumpy but normal ride for a few years, A.. If you can remember that your son's needs are completely natural and legitimate, you'll all come through okay. There are some terrific parenting books that can offer you calm guidance, too. I like Love and Logic.

Pretty typical 2-year old behavior. He's at that, "I want to do it myself!" stage. Sometimes a sense of humor and a bit of creativity can help you get what you both want in situations like the one you had tonight. For example, since he wants to brush his own teeth, get a little timer and let him brush his teeth on his own for 1 minute before you take over or maybe you can just tell him that he can brush his teeth during 1 round of the ABC song and then you will take over during the next round. When you are brushing his teeth, make all of these crazy wild sounds like you are driving a race car or zapping sugar bugs off his teeth with the toothbrush. If you make your turn to brush his teeth playful and fun, he'll be more willing to relinquish the brush to you the next time you ask and hopefully he'll get his nightly story and be able to snuggle in your lap for a rock before going to sleep.

Congratulations on having a pretty normal 2-year old. Enjoy!

He sounds like a two year old. I don't think throwing tantrums is so unusual and the fact that he has been sick recently makes it less unusual. I don't think you taught him he can get his way because you did not give him his story time and told him again why, when he was calmer and not throwing a fit. Giving him his water was ok because you waited until the fit was settling down. I think he is just learning about asserting his independence and maybe just feeling a little unsettled from having been sick and it will pass. I think telling him you loved him and kissing him when he was calmer was great. I don't see where I would have handled it any differently.