Trouble Maker at School, Help!

I have found that instead of taking things away, my daughter was rewarded for her good behavior. She had to "earn" her toys. I want to instil in her that hard work pays off. On a side note, 40 Carrots on Tuttle has a talk coming up on Octover 7th. I always find their talks very informative and helpful and plan to attend that one as well. I also know Diane Weiss who works there and can do consultations. They have a sliding scale for payment. She is great!!

Good luck.

N.

I think that dietary changes could help. It sounds like it could be an impulse-control issue. I would limit sugar before he's going to be around other kids. Also, I would restrict or avoid products that use food dyes. Alot of recent research has shown that they can make some children aggressive, impulsive, etc. One article said, "Important new research has shown that commonly used food dyes, such as Yellow 5, Red 40, and six others, are linked to hyperactivity, impulsivity, learning difficulties, and Attention Deficity Hyperactivity Disorder in many children."

Here are some articles/information sheets on it:

http://www.food.gov.uk/safereating/chemsafe/additivesbran...

http://www.cspinet.org/new/200808211.html

http://www.cspinet.org/fooddyes/

My daughter used to be very strong minded and whenever she didn't agree she would talk back. I remember one day talking to my mom about it as I was feeling pretty exasperated. Her answer was so, so correct...She said that one day I would be very happy that she is so strong and does what she thinks no matter the "times out...". Today she is 16 years old...an age where kids follow the group to try to fit in and tend to get into problems. She doesn't agree with smoking, drugs, alcoohol and doesn't have a problem letting other kids know about her opinion!!! As you can see her strong attitude maight have been a bit tough when she was in school but now it's a blessing. Talking back is wiewed as a problem in this society but per my experience it's just a manifestation of self determinism. Nothing wrong with it!
After my mom talked to me over 12 years ago I realised that I was putting way to much attention on the few tings that were not easy. I started validating my daughter for all the good things she was doing and that encouraged her to do better and better...(Who doesn't like to be validated???)
So be strong and maybe ask him to help you more...that will make him feel important and needed. Kids love to help!!! I hope this helps you see how this "situation" with your kid can actually make him into a strong and self determined man. He's got the qualities!!! It's not easy to talk back to a teacher...it takes a lot of self-determinism!

You are so not alone. I went through this. It started before the new baby was born, but there were changes in our house preparing for the baby. She knew it was coming before it actually happened. Just be patient, and loving. It will work itself out. Being consistant is the best thing you can do.

When our 3 year old was acting out we would put her favorite toys in time out. We would put these toys on top of the fridge in there time out spot where she could see them but couldn't touch them. We would reward her for good behavior by putting a star on her behavior calander. Three stars in a row she could choose a toy to take out of time out. 5 stars in a row and if there weren't any toys in time out she could choose a special treat. She really liked it when her daddy would put the stars on her chart. Sometimes a star was removed for really bad behavior and she really felt remorse for what she did. Her daddy would notice too when he would come home from work and say "Oh I see someone had a good day, Pinky Pie is out of time out."

Try to catch him being good and praise,reward,praise,praise,praise! We had to do this with my son, b/c there was nothing left to take away! Think of something he loves to do and then reward him. At his school,he would get green,yellow, red,etc. We would give him something special or a treat or a sticker for every green day. If he had so many green days in a row, we would go play putt-putt because that is what he chose. Of course, the time outs were still needed, but the rewards seemed to motivate him more than the consequences.

Good luck and they do seem to eventually grow out of it.

Hi M.,
My daughter is about the same age and having similar issues. When I give her timeout I feel like she accepts this as part of doing the bad thing. For example, she'll hit her older sister, I'll tell her she has time out and she calmly walks over to the time out place. 5 minutes later she'll hit her sister again. I know consistency is the key and her teacher also says this is somewhat typical for her age. For my older daughters, the key to taking away privileges was to find the thing they cared about... if for your son TV isn't that big a deal, maybe put a favorite toy in timeout or tell him he can't do an activity he really loves. Also, behavior charts really helped. Make it simple for his age, like a chart with only 5 spaces and each good day at school make a big deal of putting a star on the chart. When he gets 5 stars during a week he earns a trip with you alone to get ice cream. As it starts to work, lengthen the time it takes to earn the big prize or make the prize smaller for 5 stars. Good luck! He will grow out of it! I have to shake my head at the things I was sure my older 2 wouldn't quit doing and now I hardly remember! Congrats on the new baby girl too!

Some children need more attention than others. My neighbors little boy gets in trouble in school now and then. It was a daily thing at first but when he found out he couldn't come to my house if he wasn't good his behavior has gotten better. But we have also found that when he gets home from school if I sit down with him and give him some attention for about thirty minutes he is good the rest of the day. If we are busy and he doesn't get that attention he is a little hell raiser. Maybe you need to try to find some Mom and Me time without sister involved each afternoon or evening. I usually read a book with my friends son, play with his toys, talk about school or go for a walk. Also coloring can be a fun project for the both of you. It really doesn't matter what you do as long as he gets thirty minutes of your time. Also Dad should be doing the same. You will be surprised in how different he will be if he gets this one on one time on a daily basis. Usually bad behavior is a childs way of saying (Hey, I am here, Love Me, Pay Attention to Me)....

M., I understand. I have a daughter who we like to say is "not compliant." Punishment just didn't work with her. I would recommend a book called, "Parenting is Heart Work," by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. It gives some great ways of getting to the heart of the matter with our kids. To find the best price on-line, check out http://www.dealoz.com.

Good luck,

J.

I think it must be partly the age. My son turned 4 on 8/28... Good birthday ;~) anyway he too had displayed some of the same behavior. He seems to be testing everyone around him. Your story is the same as mine (with no new sibling) I have just con't the disipline and talked with his teachers and told them it is not acceptable to me and we have been taking action at home. I'll be interested to see your other responses. I do find he is worse when he doesn't get enough rest??? Stay strong, good luck. Your not alone....
J. G

I have the same problem but reversed. My 4 year old daughter is deffiant and strong willed with me and a quiet little angel at school. The key is to spend time with just him every day, even if it's 15 minutes a day. They crave our attnetion because they miss us. Also find out what he cares about THE MOST. My daughter likes me to "say the prayer and song" before she goes to sleep so I "threaten" her that I'll leave the room without "prayer and song". Of course, I always give her a kiss and tell her I love you no matter what. Sometimes even saying "I'm not going to look at you" or ignoring her until she stops works. I also changed my daughters time out spot from a corner in the kitchenette were we ussually hand out to a "hidden" corner in the formal dinning room where she's isolated and away from distractions/attention (per her pediatrician's advise). Communication is key for their understanding that there are consecuences for their actions. Sounds like you are doing that, so keep it up.

His behavior is probably the result of having the 'beautiful baby girl on 8/28/08!!!!!!!!' It seems that these are the only 2 children you have, and he's been the center of attention for all of his 3.5 years. The exclamation marks were quoted because you seem to be really excited about the baby - your son I'm sure feels your excitement and may view this as a threat to him. Make sure your son gets as much attention as you and hubby can possibly give him and reassure him that he's loved just as much as before the new addition to the family.

My son went through the same thing when his little sister was born( they are now 4 1/2 and almost 3). Since they are only 20 months apart, they bicker alot. But when my daughter was born, my son would constantly act out to try and get any kind of a reaction from us. And it wasnt that he didnt like his sister, b/c he adored her, but it was b/c he wasnt the "center of attantion" any more. I am sure you have heard that before, but dont blame yourself AT ALL. Its not that you arent paying attention to him or that you are to busy, its just sometimes hard to deal when somebody else is around. He is testing you and seeing what limits he can cross. An he will probably do it for a couple months. My son started to mellow out when she was about 10 months and he was kinda use to her. Good luck!!

M.,
Well, first, let me assure you... I have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, bought the t-shirt, and went back for seconds!
I have 2 little boys, ages 6 and 3 1/2 (he'll be 4 next month). My 6-year old went through a similar situation around age 2 when little brother was born. It was easy to chalk it up to 'typical' 2-year old behavior and some jealousy over not being #1 and only anymore. It continued to age 3 and into age 4, but we were lucky enough to find some caring and support through the Florida Center here in Sarasota. He still has plenty of 'issues' at 6 and in Kindergarten, but we survived and learned how to deal.
WELL. Child #2. He started with the similar behavior just last March after being 'ideal' as a toddler. Other than a biting phase that got him politely asked to leave a daycare center at age 16 months, he had always been fairly laid back and happy. The behaviors started with some defiance of adults and some problems interacting with kids... including the friends he'd been just fine with for months. It progressed to outright defiance of authority and a need to just BEG for negative attention. He left that preschool before he was kicked out (we saw the writing on the wall!). We are also going through Florida Center with him, where he sees a therapist and has already given us some remarkable insight into what may be going on in his little head and heart. There is a lot of anxiety and fear that we just didn't see. Even after 1 child who had similar problems and my experience in child development and behavior (I have a master's degree in social work), we still felt helpless to get to the core of the problems. We are seeing a lot of sensory issues (also the case with my oldest) and a lot of anxiety. He is in a very small preschool now with a different kind of setup and with a different kind of structure. He seems to be thriving. They 'enjoy' his quirks and seem to handle his need to be the know-it-all, smarter-than-thou teenage attitude. (By the way, he has FOR MONTHS told EVERYONE that he is 16. REFUSES to say he's 3... and he DOES act like a defiant teenager which is often VERY amusing). The school has a great attitude about kids and that they each have different needs. He does not even have to take a nap if he doesn't want to (he's allowed to sit in the office or library and read or draw), which has eliminated a TON of the anxiety that perpetuates a lot of his negative behavior. The director is AMAZING. She just 'sees' that kids have different needs and, since the program is so small, is able to accomodate.
My point is this... I have BEEN THERE! I would be happy to chat with you about Florida Center, the preschool my son attends (there are actually openings in his class... the same class your son would be in if he were to attend... so if you're interested I can give you more information), or just a "been there" pat on the back. Hang in there. You obviously care very deeply about your children, and your son knows that. Things have a way of working themselves out.
Good luck!
T.

Part of what you have to do as a parent is try to distinguish between the label and your child's style of functioning in school. So if your child has been called a troublemaker, ask yourself what that means. How does he make trouble? Does he speak out of turn in class? Is he easily distracted and bothersome to the students sitting next to him? Or is he disruptive and rude?

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Acting-Out-in-School-Whe...

I wish every parent could give their kids a fish oil capsule every day along with a multi vitamin. Fish oil is hugely helpful because lots of kids are hyperactive, have ADD and are unfocused and disruptive because they are chasing nutrition they are not getting in their food. Most know our food is depleted of nutrients the body needs.

Fish oil softgels for kids can be purchased at a health food store. They are reasonably priced and very helpful for the kids. These children just can't help themselves and we need to help them.

M.
I don't think you will get to the root of the problem becasue he may not know why he feels this way. I have been there. I have a 3 1/5 year old too and has been exhibiting this since he was 1. He is just my head strong child. He does not respond well to conflict. I have learned to give him choices and asked his teacher to as well when ever possible. Sometimes one of the choices is to go to time out and he chooses to do the right thing. I don't want to sugar coat it, we do have battles but he is learning and it has greatly improved. When he does have an incident I insist on him apologizing to everyone involved. He needs to understand that what he does effects others.
I believe you when you say it isn't your daughter. My son is a very loving compassionate child. He just wants to be in control and make his own decisions. I feel this behavior, although extremely upseting now, will make him stronger and more confident later if channeled in the right direction. He has a brother 11, and sister 9 and they never acted like this. However they have difficulty standing up for themselves. So hang in there. Be consistant. Keep talking to him explaining why it is important to make the right choices.