Traveling Hubby and How to Handle

Dear L.,
First, take a deep breath! It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed, which I think we can all relate to. I wonder if you took some time to care for yourself if your tummy troubles, nervousness and anxiety would be helped. If you are not happy and healthy, then those around you won't be either.
You mention a mom's group (which you say your husband recommends)- why can't you get a sitter so you can go?

My husband travels occasionally for work, in fact he just had to go 2 weeks ago for 4 days. And yes, it was hectic - between getting the baby to the sitter and our son to school, going to work, then dinner, baths and bedtime. (BTW I was thrilled that we did not order out or have fast food at all!!!) My DH arranged for the in-laws to pick up our son from school and daughter from the sitter which is something he normally does.

Here are my recommendations.
1. Find a competent sitter if you don't have one.
2. Get organized before your DH leaves. (Try to get done anything that you do that might be hard to accomplish with the kids - for example, laundry, grocery, etc.)
3. After accomplishing #1, set some time for yourself. Go to the recommended mom's group, crochet, exercise, take a bubble bath, get a manicure, whatever will calm/relax you.

You've got to ask for help and find a way to get some time for yourself.

Good Luck!
D.

L..

I would suggest that you try to speak to the prescriber for your anxiety and depression because it sounds like you might be able to get better releif than you have right now. You are worrying about stuff that you can't change, and because you are not yet getting good benefit of a medical intervention, you are letting yourself be the "victim" of your situation. That won't help you.

If the person who prescribes your medication is not a psychatrist, then I would find one and make an appointment, and if you are seeing a psychatrist, then talk to them about a change or switch to a new practioner if they do not listen to you and work on making your treament plan work better.

Most of what you are describing is just part of your life, and no mater how you learn to cope, life has a way of getting in the way again and again. Having fear of something happening to you or your husband because you don't like to be alone is not just life getting in the way. Irational fear or anxiety is an issue that you are already trying to treat medically. Adjusting your treatment plan so that you have a tool to help you cope with what you can't change (life) and not be bothered by paralizing fear of "what if" will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Your fears will not stop the bad things you fear from happening, but they do stop you from enjoying the parts of your life that are in order. Anxiety needs treatment when it affects your life function. You are there; don't settle for a treatment plan that is not working. There are litterally hundreds of treatment options.

On a practical note, find and hire a babysitter to come on a regular basis for as many days as you can afford every week. One that does light house keeping is an added bonus. It is worth the money.

M.

L. have you thought about getting a mother's helper in to help you. Someone in College would love the extra cash whatever it might be. So would a high school student or even an elderly person. Call the high school for recommendations or you church or any church in the are or senior's group. I myself miss being with our little guy on a daily basis but Mom decided my health wasn't good enough and it didn't matter I had him talking, doing the alphabit, knowing his numbers well enough to do some basic math. And he was begining to read. They never did anything with him. I will admit my health keeps getting worse and SS says I am not sick enough not to work. Yeah right. I would love for them to live with my issues or me for a month and see. Good luck. I would say I would do it if I could. Kids re so wonderful I miss volunteering at school too. They need someone dependable and I can't be at this stage.

Hi L.,
It sounds like you may not have supportive family members that live around you. I understand because I do not either. Many Moms are in that situation.
It sounds like you need to find a really good babysitter or two. My friend found some at a local preschool, girls that work there. Maybe you could ask a local church youth group leader if they have anyone that babysits. Maybe you could even take a sitter to your medical appointments to keep an eye on the kids there. Afterward you can all go out to lunch.
You really need some independent time & it would help your depression. Try taking an exercise class where they have babysitting there. That way you can meet Moms, meet babysitters, & get some exercise which is an excellent way to recover from depression.
I really wish you well & hope you find the plan that works for you. I can empathize because I was in your shoes for a few years.

Dear, have you heard of baby sitters? Some of this you are bringing down on yourself. Some women's groups meet during the day too, you know. Take the children to the public library for reading hour and meet some of the other parents. If you don't belong to a church or moose lodge or legion and have one in your area join one and some of the churches have women's circles for the mother's of young children. Most churches even have "mother's day out" which would benefit you a great deal.
I love to crochet and make some light jewelry and dream catchers and embrodery and needlepoint and I used to do pastels and plaster items as well. I am an avid reader, I read cereal boxes etc., when eating if nothing else is available, but these are pretty solitary hobbies. See if some other women in your area are into craft things and start a craft day for them where you all get together at each other's home from about 10 to 2 one day a week. The children can all play while you all share conversation and work on projects you want to complete! I did that with a group of women for about 3 years and I owned a beauty shop at the time! We extended it when the children got older but that is for another time in your life.
My husband traveled some as well so I can understand the stress of the "single parent" thing. I had things a little differently because I worked a day job once we moved to Indianapolis area and the children were in a child care facility until I got off work so I had a lot to do at home in the evenings and weekends while he was away. The only thing I refused to do was mow the lawn, not because I didn't know how, but I couldn't watch the children, do the housework and mow all at the same time!
You have gotten yourself into an isolation rut and it isn't healthy for you, your husband, or the children. Time to take yourself out of it!
I don't know where you live but if it is in the Danville IN area send a reply and I will watch the children for you when you go and get your endoscopy.

I would highly agree with your husband about a moms group! Being a part of a moms group has saved my life - when my husband travels and when he's home! Budget some money so you don't miss those nights out and can get a babysitter. Also make sure the group has some daytime activities - playgroups, mom n tot outings, etc.

A couple of nights a week, put the kids to bed early so you can get some alone time. The four year old is old enough for preschool 3-4 days a week, a few hours a day. If he/she is not in preschool, find one that still has openings.

If you are interested in a moms group, go to www.mothersandmore.org to see if there is a Mothers & More in your area. Also, check to see if there is a Moms Club in your area. They do a lot of daytime activities.

The first thing would do is take a deep breath! Take one day at a time. If you look at the whole time he will be gone, then it is a bit overwhelming. Second, is there anybody that can babysit for you for a few hours? Friends or family that could watch your little ones while you get your procedure done or just run to the grocery store? And while he's gone, if the house is less than perfect, don't worry about it too much. The mess will be there in the morning! Or the next day! As far as moms groups go, there should be some in your area that have play dates where you take the kids. It gives the kids a chance to play and mommy a chance to talk to other adults. If you're feeling really super anxious or depressed, I would talk to your doctor again. Perhaps he/she can offer you some other ideas how to cope or adjust your meds. I wish you the best of luck!

bring them with you to your Drs appt, or leave them with a friend or neighbor for a couple of hours for an appt, and find a sitter so you can do the things you want to do if he is out of town. It is okay to hire someone. Ask around the neighborhood. These days, many of the older teens have baby sitting certificates, meaning, they have been trained for emergency situations, cpr etc...

Your health is at risk- so get out of the house and stop resenting your husband for working and traveling which enables you to stay home with your children.

You said that you take meds and have learned coping skills, but I think it would be beneficial to talk to someone who could enlighten your prespective- when he is gone, it can turn into a postive thing instead of purely negative. It's an opportunity for you and the kids to really bond. Mommy's rule only. Make it special for them instead of a problem.

Right now, he seems to own (and take with him) one of the two lungs that you use. Maybe with therapy or someone to give you a fresh look on the matter- you and the kids will begin your own healthy routines when daddy is gone.

I pray that you will be able to do more than cope- but to gain a healthy new perspective on it all (which doesn't mean love your husband less)but begine to understand that you are the other parent- and the kids count on you wholey when he IS gone- so take care of yourself first- they are watching you- and their futures are really on the line when it comes to anxiety. Remember, they watch you to learn how to react.

Good luck & God Bless,

A.

My hubby travels a lot so I feel your pain. I also have some anxiety issues and am on meds. When my hubby is planning on going out of town I plan my days. I say ok Monday we are going to do this.... than Tuesday... I have to have a plan. It makes me feel in control. I get a babysitter if their is something I want to attend and if it's something that is no big deal I skip it. I take the kids most of the time with me to the Dr. but I have made a few connections in the neighborhoood and found someone to watch my kids for the big Dr appts. that are inappropriate for children. Also, I know this is cheesy but I love Facebook I have found a lot of old friends and it makes me feel so much better talking to my old but good friends who I have lost contact with. Best of luck and make sure you take time out for you!!OH and I forgot I go to the gym and that is a great reliever of stress I put the kids in childwatch and I get to burn off some "nervous" energy it is great for the extra pounds and for me to get some "me" time.
~J.

Don't schedule your life around him. You have things you need to do for you, so you can maintain and keep up with your hectic schedule. Your personal time for counseling, appointments, being with friends and going to social outings need to be set in stone. Do not depend on HIM in order to do these things. If needed, discuss budgeting options... as you need to find daycare to watch your little ones so you can do what's needed.

Never put yourself on hold. No one else is going to take care of you, but YOU. Women and mothers tend to become the martyrs of the world but putting ourselves second to every whim of our families and worklife. We just can't do that and still be happy and healthy.

If he normally helps you with housework and cooking, then hire a maid service to come that week and clean the bathrooms, floors, etc. Ask the babysitter, neighbor or friend if she can do some dishes, do some laundry or buy some groceries for a few dollars. The time and sanity gained from getting a temporary maid service or asking for help may make the money spent seem frivelous. Try planning meals ahead that are simple and easy to make. Buy frozen lazagna or canned soup... simple things... that can be thrown cooked quickly, cleaned up easily and served without much effort.

I want to start off with, I can feel your pain. My husband has and still does travel with his job. We have twins who were born at 27 weeks, now are 8 yo. Let me say I don't want to sound nasty when I say this because I don't mean it in that way...you've got to get out and look into all your local resources of things for you, you can't sit at home waiting for them to come to you because that's not going to happen. Also, you can't only look for ones that only involve you because as you said with your husband traveling, those plans always get put on the back burner. There are plenty of things out there that, yes, you have to take the kids, but you can put them in the childcare area while you're there and you still get "your time" with other adults. I know some of these ideas will involve money, but you've got to outweigh the pros and cons of spending a little money vs your sanity. And believe me, I'd rather cut out some other things to save my sanity. Also, I know some of them you'll look at and say I'm not into those things, well there again maybe it's something you try and maybe you find you might like it and you may find other moms who have the resources you don't have to babysitters or who may be willing to keep your kids for a couple hours a week for you to go and do something for yourself. All of these ideas should have daycare for you kids.....churches have "moms" day that involve crafts, food, speakers, etc., gyms are great, yes, it cost you but in the mornings there are alot of other moms with kids your age who will be there as well, plus exercise always benefits people with depression and believe me I can't go without it or I get really cranky. If there is a local YMCA to put your kids in swimming lessons with other kids their age, there should be a local MOPS group (mothers of preschoolers), if you don't know of any babysitters, go by your local high school and ask if they have a home ec class that you could get a list of girls who like to babysit. Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps. Goodluck

If you are concerned about leaving the children with a babysitter, once you find one who might come by the home, then stay there doing chores while the sitter watches the children. You can get projects done while seeing how the sitter interacts with the kids. Then you will get an idea if it will work out. It should make you more comfortable leaving the children with a stranger, because she won't be a stranger any more. Look around the neighborhood and call to different churches for names of babysitters.
Good luck to you. Mommy alone time is so important. Everyone needs it!
R.

my husband travels 2-3 weeks a month and it took me almost a year to realize i could and should still do "normal" things. the best thing you can do is get a babysitter, be it for shopping or drinks out with a friend! it's important to have time away from the kids, especially when it's just you. you read it all over but it's true, it benefits both you and your kids.

Hi L.,

Are you a stay at home mom? Do you have a group of friends during the day or are you at work?

Are you able to afford (and find) a competent babysitter so you can get out at night? I'd suggest either a sitter in your neighborhood or an adult sitter if you can find one.

It sounds as though you don't have family around -- do you have a strong group of friends? A play group with your kids?

Do you belong to a church? Churches are wonderful support networks for families.

I know what you are going through, because I'm a pilot's wife.

I think my life saver has been my friends. I would really encourage you to build a good support system - friends and family. I don't know how close your parents or your hubby's parents are but maybe you could pack up your kids and take them to see family for a few days? Or maybe you can even stay with friends. Or maybe you can have a friend stay with you? Also, try to distract yourself. The more you focus on becoming stressed, the more stressed you will be. You will get through this and you will get your surgery done. Take one minute at a time. Can you maybe do some yoga in the evenings after the kids are in bed? (To help w/stress). As far as needing time for you, find someone that lives close to you that watches kids and take your kids there once a week for a couple of hours so you have some time to yourself. You may have to pay some money but it will be well worth it. You could also do it every other week. Hang in there.