Totally Confused to Move to New country...need Your Input

We have very good friends that were in the same predicament but chose to live abroad for job purposes. Their kids who grew up all over Europe are now all grown up (some married) and have wonderful careers/lives. My friend tells me that in retrospect they feel very fortunate to have travelled and lived abroad while their kids were young. My friends and their children all live in the U.S. now. My feeling is to enjoy the ride, you will have plenty of time to settle down in your 40's. As a side note, all of my friends kids got into the best universities in the U.S. not only because of their grades but because of their unique experiences living abroad and their understanding of other cultures. Your kids will be fine. You'll be fine too. Best of luck to you!

I can imagine that missing your family and feeling like you can't put down roots is very hard for you. But here are a few points to consider:

1)You're upset because you'll be in your 40s when you get home, but honey, 40 isn't the end of your life, lol!

2)Living in the States is not going to be the life you want for your family if you are financially not sound. Personally I am out of work and our mortgage is underwater- I would jump at the chance to live overseas for a few years if it would make us more financially solvent at this point! You don't want to live here and not be able to give your family the quality of life that you need!

3)What does your husband say? Does he want to take this new transfer? The two of you MUST come to a decision and at the very least present a united front about it, or your marriage and your family could suffer for it.

4) You have unopened wedding gifts back home?? Why? Get your mom to ship you one or two things at a time so it isn't too expensive and clear up those things. It sounds like your everyday life has not been in the States for a while and you can't keep looking at where your family is as a sort of 'not your real life' .

Where ever you are in the world, you must make a home for yourself and your family- and remember, to your children, where ever you are, IS home. Home is with your family and the people who love you and you have to instill that in your kids. I know you love your family back in the States, but don't let that poison you against doing what is best for 'your' family. Focus on the positive- introduce your kids to new places and cultures and remember that home is where ever you make it.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult choice- but remember there are thousands of out of work people here who would love to have an option or choice like that. Do what will be best in the long run for your entire family and talk with your husband and make a decision together. Good luck!!

Nothing is permanent, so I would work on letting go of that "ideal" so that you can enjoy the opportunity presented to you. If you do "settle down" in your 40s you still have possibly 40+ more years of being "settled". But again, everything is temporary, no matter what your plans are. The furniture "problem" is a detail. You have a life to live with your husband and children. The details will work themselves out.

If life hands you lemons......

I don't know, see I am a roll with it kinda person. I think it would be awesome to be able to show my kids different cultures by being immersed, living there. If that just isn't your style then you need to speak up. It does no one any good to be that miserable.

Honestly - stay overseas
The US Congress has yet to balance the budget and if they don't by Tuesday our economy will crash even further - they are little to no opportunities here right now.

If your family has a good opportunity overseas - keep it for awhile - fly home to visit - but plan for the future. It doesn't look good here now.

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I absolutely understand your feeling adrift.

I agree with the other post that there are many advantages to living overseas. Obviously the financial package is important, and a good job is something to be protected. I know you feel that it's not settling down or being permanent, but there are a lot of people losing jobs and homes, so "permanent" is often pretty transitory!

I have a friend whose father was a diplomat and who grew up in many other countries (Korea, Liberia and more - all very different from the U.S. and from each other). There were 7 kids and they all learned some great lessons from other cultures. They grew up confident and well rounded, able to function with all kinds of people in many different situations. They grew to appreciate the many benefits of living in the U.S. because they had seen many other situations. President Obama has talked about his experience spending some years growing up in Indonesia.

Sell your furniture if you want to - let it go to good use with someone else if you can't manage to ship it to Shanghai or if it won't fit. You can always get new furniture. Your wedding gifts will be there for you - these are only THINGS and not people, as much as you may love them and want to use things you may have put on your gift registry. I understand that it may be very frustrating to have wished for certain things, received them, and have them sitting in storage. However, perhaps you will treasure them even more when you had to wait for them.

Try to learn as much as you can about your new culture. Shanghai is supposed to be a wonderfully vibrant city. Rail travel is generally widespread in China and maybe you will be able to visit other cities and see things that the rest of us only dream of. Perhaps your husband's company has other Americans there and will help you all connect and socialize with each other. Perhaps those families are experiencing or have experienced some of the same emotions you have, and can help you through it.

Wow that is tough. First and foremost would be your husbands job. If it is
secure I am not sure I would want to take a chance of having my husband
quit to come back to the US. The job market here is terrible. That being said I can understand how you fee. On the other hand it is an incredible
opportunity that probably will not come along again. You have a tough
decision ahead of you and one that only you can make as a family. You
will do what you think is best for your family, that is what women do!! Good
luck.

Having lived all over the world with parents who loved to move (8 times in my first 15 years of life) I can say it has advantages and disadvantages. I have no "home town", since where I was born is an foreign country where I lived for 2 years. I never lived where my parents live now. I envied a girl friends that had lived in the same house for 25 years and had about 20 "close girl friends" from Kindergarten days. Now that I am married with kids we have lived in the same house for 14 years, and my kids feel this town is home. While I learned that you can make friends anywhere and people are the same all over the world, there were many times I was not happy since I was always the new and odd kid in class and in the neighborhood. Moving at age 15 from the Netherlands to the US was the hardest, but looking back now I cannot imagine living anywhere else. You just have to go with an open mind and try to enjoy the experience. I would want to stay put in one place once kids get to elementary school age. But the decision is yours and your husband's to make.

I grew up abroad as a military brat. We often lived in temporary housing with temporary furniture, but it was a wonderful experience. I can't wait until my daughter is old enough for me to take her around the world, so I can show her all the places I used to live as a girl! Go to Shanghai and enjoy your time there.

ps. My parents finally "settled down" in their 50s.

I would go and make the most of it! I'm sure the expat community in Shanghai is very supportive, and just think of how much your kids will benefit in their futures if they actually learned to speak a Chinese dialect and understand the culture at this age!! Their opportunities will be limitless!

I especially agree with the notion of accepting where you actually are as being your 'real life' your 'real home'. It serves no one to pine away for what isn't. Instead, do as suggested and make plans for a long visit with your family (perhaps your husband can negotiate extra time off or extra trips to the US for his family as part of his reassignment package. Having worked in global HR, I cannot recommend that he refuse the assignment - he may be out of a job.

Of course, you should express your disappointment to him (you have a right to your feelings), but then you should focus on the benefits and adventure of this next move, and help your kids through their adjustment. You'll find plenty of support from the other expat spouses once you are there, if you look for it.

I'm sure it will be better than you can possibly imagine right now!

From previous posts... you knew your husband was not going to be stationed in the USA. You know he has a great job, which will undoubtedly not be found if forced to come to the USA. At 40 - honestly... the chances of you getting a career and working in that field at this time are slim. You are also aware of the AMAZING experiences your children are having getting to travel the world... If you want to have a career - start online courses while you are overseas. Take the basic ones in which you are not required to go in person for any reason - there are plenty of those!

Your resentment in having such a wonderful life is very confusing to me... I was an Army Brat and I greatly miss the traveling and being stationed in Europe - so much so that I looked for and married a European!! I would go to counseling to try and deal with the bitterness and resentment you are feeling and to see how I could change those negative feelings around to a more positive spin.

Go. Save the money. You'll need it here. The time will pass very quickly.
The kids will benefit from the experience. You'll be back in the States in no time. Live fully in the moment...and the future takes care of itself. Store your stuff with someone you trust, or put it in storage. The gifts will keep and will be fun to open when you settle back here. You are fortunate your husband has such a good job.
As they say, count your blessings. ;)

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

If this job opportunity is as lucretive as you have mentioned it would be to your advantage to make the move. As for your things, I would par it down to the essential things only making the move. You can always get newer things in Shanghai besides the goal is getting back here to the states. I would think that anyone would want to do it in style and style costs.

You don't say when you got married but I would consider having mom ship those things to you so you could enjoy them where ever you happen to be.

As for missing your family, perhaps you can arrange to fly to most important person to you out for a time or you could plan and save up to come home for a time yourself. With this new windfall of opportunity you must figure out how to make it work for you.

Plan out the future you want to have for yourself and then move actively toward it. Saving money will be very helpful when you return to the states. Your future is always ahead of you and the past is always behind we can only ever enjoy the hear and now. So enjoy today and plan for the tomorrow you desire and before you know it that desire will become your reality. Praying for your peace. Resolve this in your mind so you can move on. It will be good for your children too.

I WOULD GO!!!! With bells on and happy face!!!!

If I had the opportunity to move to Shanghai - I would do it no questions asked...if the package is rewarding - think of the benefits your children are getting by LIVING in other countries around the world!?!?!

I lived in Taiwan, Belgium and Germany....I loved the experience of other countries and made me the passionate American I am today.

GO FOR IT!!! Especially if it is financially rewarding...all that much better when you do come back to the U.S. and settle down...then you can say "been there, done that" and have the memories and the pictures!!! GO! GO!! GO!!!! Smile and enjoy it!!! Embrace it and say YAHOO!!!

Have you talked to your husband about this? What does he think? I find it odd that he wouldn't be out there looking for a job in the US if he agrees with your wish to move back. It does seem like he has a great position in the company that he's in, I am sure that if he put himself out there (while still employed) he could find a new job US-bound - then comeing back would actually be a valid option.
I would NEVER, especially not in this economy even consider him turning down an opportunity like this, if he doesn't have something equal lined up in the US. Money may not make you happy, but having no money and being unemployed WILL make your family miserable anywhere, even "at home".

With regards to your furniture, just decide what you want to keep (sentimental and very valuable pieces) and sell or donate the rest. Whatever you keep put in storage or have it shipped to your new home. It's expensive, yes, that why you only do it for stuff that is "worth it".

Last but not least: how often do you travel home? When was the last time you stayed in the US for an extended period (4 weeks +). I still dream of moving my family back to Europe one day, where I am from. However, when I go back for a vacation I notice that the picture I have in my head of my home country is very different from reality. A lot has changed in the last 10 years that I've been gone and many things that I have gotten used to here, I would miss very much if I had to leave them behind.
I do not think that I will ever feel truly AT HOME any more, neither here, nor there... where-ever I am, I will always miss the other place.

Good luck.