Hi Everyone,
My son is 21 mos. and is generally an energetic, fun, loving child. He has great motor skills, loves to climb and is very "hands on". He understands everything we say, but does not talk much yet (which does lead to some frustration for him). Anyway, our problem has been his behavior the past few weeks. He has been hitting more lately. Often he hits or pushes when he is frustrated with his older sister because she has a toy he wants, or has taken something from him. In this case atleast there seems to be a "reason" for his hitting and we know the competition with his sister has created some issues that occur with younger siblings learning bad habits from older children etc. We deal with it with reminders to use gentle hands, show him how to take turns etc. We also implement time outs now, because he does understand them (and doesn't like them). Lately he has been testing us at home, with other behaviors as well, such as throwing toys etc., which we deal with in the same manner. If it becomes dangerous or aggressive, we give him a time out, redirection etc. He seems to understand this to an extent, and I do see some results. The problem we are having now, is in his mom and tot music class. The past several weeks he has been pushing, and grabbing other children, sometimes if he is being possessive, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. I deal with it the same way as at home, if he is just "touching/swatting" like toddlers do, I give a firm, simple reminder "we use gentle hands" and remove him from the situation, or show him an appropriate way to play in that situation. However, today he was really hitting. He seemed to seek kids out and even hit one child on the head with a cow bell. I gave him an immediate time out for that, removed him from the group, and made him apologize right after (sign sorry and give a kiss). I feel like I am being consistant and using appropriate discipline with him. I also know that he is going through a testing phase and that with discipline some kids behavior gets worse before it gets better. I guess my question is, has anybody else had a similar issue or have any other ideas for discipline in this situation? I want to make sure I nip this behavior in the bud before it gets out of hand! Thanks!
Hi,
You are doing everything possible in a very psoitive manner. It is a phase my son did it to. I found it was partially to communicate his frustration for not have all the verbal skills to tell us what he wanted but it truly was the age and pushing his boundaries. All you can do is re-enforce what you are already doing as well as just being patient....this to shall pass. A. B
It sounds like you are doing such a great job! The one thing that has really helped me is trying to identify with why my son is hitting and respond empathically before letting him know about the consequence. For example, "You just hit Sam. Are you feeling angry at Sam because you really want his toy (or because he stopped playing with you, or he isn't doing what you want etc.) It makes sense that you would feel that, but we can't hit. Come tell mommy, or ask for a turn, but no hitting." And then you could implement whatever consequence you want if it seems necessary. Sometimes you might not even feel it's necessary because you might see him learning, 'oh, I have this strong feeling and my feeling is okay. I can express my feeling, but just no through hitting.' I think the tricky thing is when kids feel the angry or upset feeling that led to the hitting is not okay. That can make them pretty stubborn in continuing to be provocative. But it can help so much if they feel understood and know that mommy thinks the feelings are fine, just not the behaviors.
Good Luck!
K. (mom to Charlie, 3 years old)
HI T., You are on the right track and doing a great job. You are right about the frustration of not being able to speak. He is also going through the terrible two's which is a long process(could last 'till 3 1/2) Consistancy is the key, patience is the harder part. Keep your eye on him. He will come through this, and so will you. Grandma Mary
T.- I can almost assure that this phase won't last. My son went throught the same thing and is now 26 months and no longer does any of these things, unless he is provoked!! I think a lot of it has to do w/ language. As soon as he started talking more, I saw a huge change. He is now the most well-behaved kid in most of the things/classes we do. Keep reminding him that it is not the right behavior and we did use time out, which worked for us, but that is a very personal decision. good luck!!
It is something most kids go through I think. You are handling it well and it will probably improve especially when he can express himself more in words. My some is 3.5 and we still are dealing with this. It started when we was around the same age as your son and then improved as he got closer to 3...then we had his baby sister and it was back with a vengance. He started preschool several months later and there was a lot of hitting in the class (2/3 boys). He has a new teacher that handles it really well and things are improving the last few months.
You are a GREAT mom! I have a very challenging 3 year old, and believe me, I've read ALL the books, and you are doing all the things that they recommend already. I'm sure you already do this too but don't forget to recognize when he does something "gentle" to a peer--make a big deal of it and be descriptive in your language (You sat so nicely next to your friend! You were so gentle when you gave that toy to your friend! Way to go!). He's only 21 months, so I think you may have another few months of this to go yet before he outgrows it. Hang in there, be patient, and keep doing what you are doing. Impulse control can take awhile to develop in toddlers.
