Toddler Acting Up

My daughter went through a phase, after my son was born, that we call her "angry at mommy " phase. I was always careful to never use her brother in any of my excuses as to why I couldn't do what we used to do together (although the attention he required from me was clearly the reason) I wanted to make sure she never held any negative feelings toward her baby brother. She in turn was very upset with me. This lasted about 4 months. She would argue, pout, and scream at me often -it was not easy to take. I'm not sure if it was because she learned to like playing on her own more or if I finally started to get the hang of careing for 2 small children, but it did get better. (I did cry alot because I felt so guilty that I couldn't do what I used to & I couldn't do all for my son that I did for her...... Raising 2 is a whole lot different than raising 1.) I believe part of what helped was that I learned how to include my daughter in the caring process for my son. (She would help by getting baby stuff, rubbung his back with me, singing to him as I fed him, drawing him pictures to decorate his room) My husband also put forth a much greater effort when he came home from work. She & her dad grew very close during that time. I have to admit in one way it was hard seeing her run to Daddy when she was hurt but, in another it was something we all needed. We all get along well now. It will happen for you too. Maybe you have a friend or relative who could come into your house every so often to play with your son & do "special" tings with the big brother. I know right now it is sometimes hard to think what needs to be done next but be creative & call in support & your family will be happy in no time.
One last hint -- don't feel guilty if you put on "Bob the Builder" & doze off & on while you cuddle with your son on the couch. There were a few afternoons that I would put the baby in for a nap, set up the baby gate(so we were "stuck" in the living room) fill Faith a sippy cup of milk & give her a cup of cheerios, turn on "Barnie", put my arm around Faith & doze off and on for the next half hour. Sometimes those dozes were the thing we both needed. She got her needed "touching time" & I got my needed re-charge. Good luck -- it does get easier.

I was in the exact same situation 11 weeks ago. My son is also 21 months and my daughter is 11 weeks old. It was so hard in the beginning! I had a tough time bonding with the new baby because of how upset my son was. A new baby is a huge adjustment for the older child especially when he is still a baby himself. I tried to spend more quality time with him when the baby was sleeping and tried to keep his schedrul consistant. At first I screamed at him too. Then I realized that he just wanted my attention and would do anything to get it even hurting his sister. He hit her a few times, rolled his cars on her head, woke her up in the swing and even tried to pick her up by her feet. I couldn't leave them alone in the same room together. Even though this felt like eternity-it only lasted a few weeks. I stopped the yelling and redirected him every time he approached the baby. I tried to keep a soft voice and told him "nice" and then showed him how to be nice to the baby. I even took his hands and used them to stroke the baby. We also dressed one of his stuffed animals in a diaper, shirt, and bib. Now when I am taking care of the baby he gets his animal and pats it! Its really cute. He also runs to get me now when the baby is crying and even puts her binky in gently. Kids are amazing and adjust very quickly to new changes in their environment. Try and be patient(I know its hard when your not getting any sleep) and most of all find someone who will take the kids once in awhile. You need a break and don't feel guilty about it. It will make you a better mom for both of them. If you need someone to talk to I'm here and in your same situation. Take Care!

I'm aslo a SAHM of two. We had our oldest daughter in October of 04. And our second on August 9th. My oldest does act up and it makes it difficult to deal with both. I feel so bad for yelling at her. But then there are times where she acts out and takes it out on the baby. So I'm at loss too as what to do.

My sister went through the exact same thing.

What worked for her was to involve the older sibling in more things dealing with the baby. For example, feeding the baby a bottle while you hold his hand, or helping close the tab on the diaper, little things.
Then brag to your husband in front of your toddler what an incredible helper and big brother he was today....

I love the idea of pix together. put both on your lap and have your son read (or pretend to) to the baby. Tell him how important he is and how much you need his help and how much the baby loves him, etc.
It will all work out.
You got some great advice from the other moms. Good luck.
I try to put myself in his shoes. He feels replaced.

Hi A.,

I had the same problems when my son was born. My daughter drove me crazy! It took me a couple of months, but I finally figured out that when my son would nap and she had me all to herself, she was an angel. My husband and I worked out a plan that every Sunday, one of us would take her out to breakfast and the park (or movie). We alternate Sundays between the two of us that way she always has one on one time. It is really great for us too. We get some free time from everything baby and get to strengthen our relationship with our daughter. We also read with her every night together. This has been going on for 2 years now and we've had no major problems since we started. I hope my suggestion helps you too.

Hi A.!

Congratulations! I'm expecting my second and have been told that when the new baby comes I should get my daughter involved as much as possible. Try asking your son to "help" get the diaper and wipes when you are changing the baby, or what ever else it is that you may need "help" with. He will feel more involved, less alienated and hopefully you all will have a better relationship with less yelling. Let me know if you try it and it works :o)

Good luck!
S.

My two daughters were born Dec '03 and Aug '05. My older daughter Lucy didn't seem to have much of a reaction until recently, that is. Ever since my younger daughter Sylvie has started crawling, Lucy gets upset when Sylvie tries to touch her or when Sylvie tries to join Lucy and me in a game or other activity.

I have nothing to offer in terms of advice, only support. I've yelled too, out of shear frustration, exhaustion and overwhelmedness. I start to take Lucy's defiance personally, like she is taking pleasure in making me nuts, which I know is not true. I try to see the world through her eyes and tell her I'm sorry when I yell and that I understand how hard things can be sometimes. Sometimes I'll offer her some orange juice (or M&Ms in an emergency) and it's enough to distract her. Sometimes I'll take time to play with her or just comfort her and let the Sylvie cry in the playpen. Not really a solution, but it seems to be enough until the storm passes.

We've had a babysitter who comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:00-4:00 for about six months now. After a few months with the new baby and almost now help, it was clear I wasn't going to be able to pull this off on my own. Fortunately, my husband has an encouraging attitude: he doesn't care about the debt right now, now he just needs me sane. She will also be coming for a couple of hours on Wednesdays and Fridays starting next week, when Lucy also starts pre-school. Having the babysitter to look after Sylvie so I can play with Lucy has brought some peace to the household.

Whether I should stick with this 'separate them for peace's sake' strategy or just let them figure it out themselves and pick up the pieces afterwards, I don't know. Probably somewhere between the two extremes is my answer. I'll just have to supervise and let them find their own way without letting them hurt each other.

I never knew what it meant when people said "you're not a parent until you've had two children." Now I know. Good luck.

J. O.
Stratford, CT

My twin !! lol- I'm also 26 I have a 2 year old and my youngest is 5 weeks. I'm also having trouble getting my 2 year old to listen now that the baby is hear and I'm doing a lot of yelling as well. If you get any responses to your message can you please forward them to me - I need help 2

It is a touch time and the other mothers had some good advice. Part of what helped me get through it was having my daughter go into a preschool/day care for a few hours. 3 times a week for 2.5 hours she would go in and although she was too young for a preschool class, most day cares follow a schedule of doing circle time and arts in the morning so I just timed her schedule for that. The few hours would give me time to do errands with the baby or just sit down with him for a little while. It really helped me to keep my sanity. It made me a more tolerant mommy and I had more patients with dealing with the older one.

It really does help to try to involve the older one with the baby too. My older thought it was great to give her brother his binkie when he cried. Mine also loved looking at pictures so we did some photo books with her baby pictures and starting adding pictures of the two of them together. I think it helped her to see she was a baby and she grew up. Also, once we started adding pictures of her and the baby,she wanted me to take more and more of them.

Basically, you need to just hang in there and know it will get better. It might take a while though so be patient.