To Moms of ADHD Kids

In our son's case, they stopped when he started ADHD medication at age four (Ritalin). Medication changed everything. It's like giving glasses to those who can't see well. However, because it doesn't last all day even in long-acting forms, you still face challenges first thing in the morning and later in the day when it's out of the child's system. We have found that medication decreases the severity of it all the remainder of the day, but it still can be difficult. We haven't seen the severe meltdowns anymore, though.

If you haven't discovered ADDitude magazine, it's worth subscribing. I've found it incredibly helpful in navigating this misunderstood condition. And they have done articles in the past on ADHD in preschoolers, so check out their archives.

To the person asking what you see in a child who's diagnosed at age four, I can tell you from experience. Our son was so aggressive and unfocused he was kicked out of preschool, he couldn't sit for circle time, couldn't sit for any stretch of time, was unable to control his body and just moved constantly, would run from one wall of our house, across furniture and to the other wall of the house (literally bouncing off the walls, no matter what we did to try to stop him), was the Energizer Bunny ALL day -- not like normal kids (we have an active daughter who is nothing this extreme) who crash at some point. Time outs were impossible because he couldn't sit. He didn't respond to rewards or punishments no matter how consistent we were. It's off the charts stressful living that you can only understand if you've had a child with ADHD. It's so far beyond "oh, he's just an active boy, he'll grow out of it." It's that to the 100th degree.

My 9 year old has ADHD, and the meltdowns started quite young. It is in my family, and I have been a teacher, so I knew what it was by the time he was in school (although I hoped I was wrong!)

He had regular meltdowns through 1st grade. In March of that year, we switched schools and he went from a very strict (and totally non-understanding) teacher to one who was very patient and understood that you can't discipline it out of them. Once a lot of the pressure was taken off in school, he started doing a lot better.

We have also had to take "normal parenting" strategies and throw them out for him. We have to look at what he is doing that minute of that day and respond in a way to help him make the right choices. Sometimes it's pretty easy, other times it's very challenging. And we have occaisional meltdowns still. He's old enough now that we can tell him it's time to stop crying and get back to work (or whatever), and isolate him in his room when he starts screaming, etc. But that's just in the last year or so.

With your 4-year-old, I would guess that she struggles with quick transitions and with focusing on what you want her to do. Most kids with ADHD also have poor impulse control (also normal for 4yo, but its more pronounced). Give her plenty of warning when there is going to be a change. Don't expect her to stay with things for more than a few minutes; have lots of alternative activities planned for church, etc. And for things like cleaning her room, etc, she will need a lot of guidance - and it works better if you make it a game. Same thing for homework when she gets in school. The more fun you make it, the easier it will be for everyone.

For now, when she melts down, make sure that she is in a safe place, and give her a minute to calm down. If she gets more worked up, talk softly to her. I remember holding my son (quite firmly sometimes) and just whispering "I love you, shhh, I love you" until he calmed down. But the trick is, there's no magic formula for knowing what exactly to do. I had to just follow my mother's instincts and take it one event at a time (and ignore everyone else's comments on how I should "discipline him more" or whatever - what do they know...) Your willingness to work calmly and lovingly with her no matter what - and to give her what she needs - is really what will help those meltdowns lessen.

On a side note, we have decided at this point to not medicate our son. It's a roller-coaster ride, but he is learning a bit at a time to manage, and that's the important thing. I also have never really seen a differenced based on food he eats, although my brother had a harder time focusing if he had artificial colors etc. But any whole foods are fine!

I have 2 kids with ADHD and a husband with ADHD. My son is 11 and has inattentive type biggest problems with him are forgetfullness. However, my 8 year old daughter has ADHD impulsive/hyperactive type. She is a handful, has always been. She was a difficult baby and a very very very very difficult toddler, pre-schooler, first grader. Discipline techniques that worked with other kids did not work with her. I read all the parenting books, have gone to psycologist, etc... Finding support was difficult for me. I found that what worked one time did not work the next. She would get bored with behavior charts and really did not care if I took things away, did not stay in time out, she threw the most intense, out of the world tantrums that sometimes lasted forever. The hardest part for me was the lack of support, I just wish that someone had said something other than "You just don't tolerate it, and that is that" it does not work with these kids. We went to therapy for a long while, but it did not help. It was tough but somehow I dealt with it on a hour to hour, day to day schedule. It put ut a lot of stress on me and my marriage. In first grade she was diagnosed with dyslexia. She is now in 3rd grade and reading at 3rd grade level and loving school, she does not and has never had any behavior problems at school. Home is getting way better. Right now our biggest issue is her impulsiveness with screaming and yelling at us. This week a simple behavior chart is working (if you want the chart technique e-mail me). There are some good books that I read, Driven to Distraction and Parenting ADD by Edward Hallowell, PHD. A good website is additudemagazine.com you will find some good forums and lots of info on adhd on the site. So anyway yes it does get better and just keep in mind that along with adhd comes many talents and gifts that will appear as your daughter gets older.

ps: don't you hate having to defend your diagnosis. I find it so annoying when people who do not understand question my daughters diagnosis.

I just wanted to add that my son does take medication and it helps him, but my daughter does not take medication it is not the right choice for her at this time.

If I can remember correctly 3 and 4 were the worst years. He got a bit better at 5. My son is not any any medication, but in a self contained class with only 9 children in the class. He is now 7, and I think he is learning to control himself. He still has so many more outburst than other kids his age, but I need to remember not to compare him to other 7 year olds. I always compare him to himself six months ago. Things will get easier as she gets older, just hang in there! Our meltdowns have not "gone away;, but there are much less now than when he was four.

My son and hubby have been diagnosed ADHD. I would say their tendency to become frustrated causes the most tension for all of us. The more I learned about ADHD the better I have dealt with the challenges. Dr Daniel Amen has several really good books with advice for parenting ADHD kids. I recommend his book, Healing ADD. I think the biggest problem with ADHD is the harder they try, the worse it can be. The pressure they feel adds to their tendency to get frustrated and become overwhelmed. You will be modeling how to express emotions and at the same time be more supportive when you can remain calm. Medication was helpful for my son but its not the whole answer. Lifestyle changes involving diet (less sugar~high fructose corn syrup is the worst & less chemicals) taking omega 3 supplements and especially regular vigorous exercise can bring the most improvement.

At 4 yrs old what do kids do that makes it so you know they have ADHD?

Just curious?

EDIT~I wasn't implying that she doesn't have it. I was asking what she does, behaviors she shows that made you think you should have her checked for ADHD. My 4 yr old son has always been a disagreeable guy. He often has "not normal" meltdowns, gets frustrated easily and has a problem with change. I was just curious. Sorry to get you on the defensive.

at this age, most children have meltdowns, I have meltdowns, but of course I know how to handle them better and why I'm having them.
No they don't have them at age 12 antmore, unless maybe children are not being taught to communicate .......

I went through this with my son and thought the same, but thank god he doesnt. I worked him with him on calming him down and always being positive with him regardless of what the matter is. Drs. medicate kids too easily these days and then kids become dependent on the drugs. Try 123 magic, that book gave some good pointers. Oh yea the meltdowns will end.

Hope this helps.

My son is 8, and even with the medication on school days, still has tantrums. I usually try to get him to calm down enough so I can understand what the problem really is. Sometimes it's something simple like hunger, needs more sleep, or can't handle a loud, busy environment. I keep on reminding him that other people don't get this upset over the same thing, there are better ways to let me know you're frustrated, it's OK to ask for help, we can think of a plan B if plan A didn't work out. I know that he hears what I'm saying but especially when he's not taking the meds he just can't slow down long enough to think before he acts. I've read several books that recommend making sure that the child sees the parent as someone who will help them solve their problems. The book "The Explosive Child" really emphasizes picking your battles and being willing to let things go that aren't safety issues.

I have read a lot on addhd. I have learned that he could have a milk allergy. Cows milk is for cows! I'm not sure how he would respond to goats milk, but I do know that cows milk is related to adhd. There are other ways of getting calcium like in green leafy vegies. I know there is a lot of information on adhd and natural alternatives.

Hi--
More often then you might think ADHD symptoms are actually a sign of food allergies/sensitivities, or environmental allergies/sensitivities. Have you had your child tested? I can recommend a great doc who does things naturally so you won't have to use any medication to get her back into balance. It changed our lives and I highly recommend you look into this. Be happy to share more information with you if you feel like this could help you.
J.

I don't know your daughter's story so I'm not sure how the ADHD diagnosis came about, but my 4 year old sure has her share of meltdowns. (My daughter does not have ADHD, she's just a 4 year old! =)

That said, if you notice that some days are way worse than others, could there be a diet or other environmental trigger? I was talking to a mom at my daughter's dance class the other day, and she mentioned that her daughter seems to be sensitive to a red food dye. She cut as many food dyes out of her daughter's diet as possible and lo and behold, the behavior got much better. She discovered the food dye sensitivity by keeping a log of when the bad behavior was happening, and then worked her way to the culprit from there. In her case, she found that her daughter was melting down 15-20 minutes after lunch or snack time, but only on certain days. From there she logged every food she gave her daughter, and shortly she discovered the foods that were causing the issue, then started comparing ingredients until she found the one that was problematic. It took her a few weeks of logging everything, but she said she made the diet switch a few months ago and the difference has been pretty dramatic.

So I don't know if that's something you want to consider, but it may be worth a shot since your daughter has some good days and some bad days. Maybe there's a trigger for the bad days that you can eliminate altogether. Good luck to you!

I just want to caution you about medicine. My son was diagnosed with ADD. He was not hyper. They did all these tests. It looked good on paper. I held off on the medicine for years. Finally a teacher and my mother-in-law who was also a teacher pressured us into giving him Ritalin. He only took it for one month and everything changed. I thought this is it it has really made the difference. His teacher worked so hard with him and was so good. The year ended and we took him off the Ritalin for the summer. Back in school and back on Ritalin. School was horrible. Everythime anything went wrong in class my son was blamed. Wether he had taken his Ritalin or forgotten it. I was so frustrated. How could this be so different from last year? It was the teacher. Last year he had a caring loving teacher that year he had a teacher who was just looking for someone to blame for his own teaching disabilities. We took him off the Ritalin. But a side effect was left and he has had it the rest of his life. He shakes uncontrollably. Especially his hands. It is a little known side effect of Ritlin which has affected the rest of his life! Be careful what you do. He is 25 now and has figured out how to manage but I regret ever giving it to him. People are different and some of these behaviors are just a phase that your child will grow out of. Not everyone needs medication. All they need are patience! They expect us all to conform and be a certain way in class.....people are not that way. We are all different that is what makes us who we are. I am not saying do not medicate. I have seen those children that benefit from it. But there are some that do not need it. Please don't be to quick. Thanks.

If you're trying to avoid medicines, you should check out www.interactivemetronome.com. We did this for my son with great success. We are also looking into Brain Balance Centers for our other son, and are pleased with the little bit of work we've been able to do so far. The changes from both programs are so incredible -- and permanent! Both programs typically start at kindergarten, but my mom has been able to work with some students a bit younger, if you want her information. GL!

I

I just wanted to recommend some great resources - someone else already mentioned Edward Hallowell and www.additudemag.com - both great. I'd also recommend www.chadd.org - a national organization supporting children and adults with ADD.

The answer to your question is maybe. - she may outgrow it or she may not. Meanwhile, a strict routine of when she eats, sleeps, and does activities can be very very helpful. You can find helpful behavioral plans at both websites I've mentioned.

Have you joined Parent to Parent of Colorado yet? We are the statewide parent support network. We have a wonderful website www.p2p-co.org with all kinds of helpful information and a statewide listserv where you can talk to other parents with similar issues and even find families in your town. I'm on the board and we have wonderful people that can help you.

take care, S.

I don't have a child that's been diagnosed with ADHD, but my brother had it as a child. I'm pretty sure he had it early on, but there really wasn't much out there for it yet. But he did get some medication later on, and still when he was a teenager, but he has grown out of it even though it was quite a bit later. But when she is old enough for the treatment it really does make an incredible difference. Actually, I'm almost positive my daughter has some form of ADD or ADHD, but they won't give her anything for it, because it doesn't become a problem at school, only at home. So that's a little frustrating. But hang in there, you'll make it through this just fine. Just make sure she knows that you love her no matter what. And everything will be fine.