Three Year Old Acting Out.

Hi A.,
I'm a fellow mother-of-a-3yo-boy, and I *hear* you!

It sounds like your little fellow has discovered he has his own opinion about how things should be done in your house, and is trying to see if you will let him "take over." This is the age, develomentally, where toddlers begin to push every limit to find out which ones are "real" and which ones they can really get away with breaking (That's why lots of Moms talk about the "terrible threes.")

I am not saying you don't punish him, but it sounds like you may be unintentionally giving him the message that the rules aren't necessarily "set." Giving him enough attention is just a piece of the puzzle, and it sounds like you are doing great there :)

I'm going to encourage you to take back your home (from a 3 yo perspective), and make it clear to your little one where his behavior is expected to stay. Simple language, a soft but firm voice, and *consistent* expectations work the best for us. If our son strays outside what is expected of him for behavior, he gets one (and only one) warning. His punishments are simple and consistent between Mom and Dad (this means Dad has to play along, even if he's tired from work).

It's a lot of work to start with, because you'll feel like you're punishing him ever 5 minutes. But the payoff will be h-u-g-e! I send my son to his room only one or two times a month now, and he always gets complimented on his behavior in public.

By the way, my 3 yo is *not* one of those "easy" kids you hear Moms talk about. It is hard work to keep him "on track," but I tell you this to encourage you: You Can Do It, too!

Good luck!
T

Hey A.,

It sucks when our kids act like buttheads. I think 3 is harder than two...they are still buttheads but more articulate now. It sounds like you two may need a bit of a break from each other. Have him do something that is just him, without you, and gives him a little independence. You are always home with him and he is constantly battling for your attention and he needs to get out there and be a boy by himself too. He is getting what he needs as far as attention and one on one time with you. I would also have your husband make some special time with him. Have them go out for an adventure for a couple hours. (ie...the hardware store can be an adventure)

I know my answer is a little out of the box.

I responded to your other thread as well, but it sounds so much like my almost 4yo. From about 2 1/2 on he turned into a nightmare, 3 being worse. Constant backtalk, pushing the limits, being really mean to his brother, the poo smearing, all of it. It's so frustrating but it does get better, at least the poo part. Has he been potty trained yet? During our attempts at it was the worst and then one day he just got it. I really think he needs more daddy time and maybe time with kids his own age.

Hi, just a suggestion. Some may say that it is normal but if you do not deal with it will become more than a phase. I know. My suggestion is check his food. Until we found out that my son has Celiac I told my mother I was afraid he was going to end up on a tower with a gun one day. He was down right mean. We took him off gluten (wheat, barley, rye and oats) he is now a normal young boy. Not a saint but trainable. Look at Diana Crafts web site for other ideas. Not everyone has Celiac only 1 in 133 americans. But still diet is a real problem for many children, boys have less fat so the connection between each side of the brain has a harder time talking to each other. The I think left side controls impluse and emotions if they can not reach easliy they have a harder time with control. You can train all you can, but if the body is working against the both of you, you will have an up hill battle. Hope this gives you something to look at.
Take Care and hang in there.

Sounds like a toddler. I had 3 of my own plus a day care. I handled many such as yours. The biggest secret to handling this is: have patience, be sure your husband and you discipline alike, remember discipline means teaching and finally, he is growing and testing his boundaries. Be sure the boundaries are where you set them. Do not make excuses for unacceptable behavior and, when necessary, put him in a corner or take away his favorite toy. He probably is experienceing some jealousy in addition to his emotional growth but unacceptable is unacceptable. The one on one time is very good; keep it up. If possible, have him spend some time with an older child but leave the others home with you. Remember, Mom, if handled like this, this too will pass. I've seen this happen many times. Good luck. Oh, one other thing. It will help you and your husband if you can spend some along time together once in awhile.

Hi Mommie Mentor here.
The new info is that 3 is the new 2!
Yes, 3 is much harder than 2, a whole lot harder and you’re not alone. All parents go through this one, and there is a *sort of * up side to it too.
This age is that is fondly referred to as the age of belligerence. This is the time when you need to meet with your husband and decide how you want to handle discipline and boundaries. From your post it doesn't sound like there was a consequence or any discipline as a result of that behavior, and this is the age that demands boundaries.

Here’s the *sort of * up side. As difficult as this age is, it is still the easiest time in life to begin setting boundaries and seeing what works and what doesn't for your child. It is much easier to test methods with a 3 yr old than it is to test out methods with a fully verbal elementary age child.

Let me suggest that you take a look at my website and see if what I offer can help. Go to proactiveparenting.net.
You will see 2 new ways to correct behavior that work with a child's development needs at this age not fight against it, as well as a bunch of other ways to deal this type of behavior using love, support and firmness.
Good Luck.

He needs Daddy's attention. Not just Mama's

My son was also great until he turned 3. We called it the terrible 3s instead of the terrible 2s. He was really pushing his limits with us. He never spent more time in his room before or after that year. My theory is that he now had the language to go with the behavior and he was trying to let us know that he was boss. Our short walk to pre-school in the mornings was a battle every day.

My advice would be to stand firm do not give in no matter how bad it gets. Set precedent that you are in charge and let that little man know that he is not the boss in that house. Get your husband involved in the discipline (if he isn't already)so your son will know that he has to obey.

He will grow out of it.

My two year old has quite a temper; however, it is only with mom, dad and grandma. He is very well behaved in front of others and outside of the home. He gets very upset and likes to hit, kick and throw things at us. He will come at us with a vengeance and then turn around and be sorry. So far, he is well behaved with his little brother. What I figured out is a couple of things: his behavior varies depending on the amount of sleep he gets and how much he eats. I have also noticed that his temper is far more volatile when both Mom AND Dad are around. It's as if he is confused on who he wants the attention from. Regardless, he loves Daddy and wants to play with him 24/7. He gets most upset if Daddy happens to not pay attention for 1 minute. Thankfully, Daddy likes to pretend he is 2 as well, and they play the entire time they are together....a lot of rough housing that drives me crary, but that my little one loves. I don't roll around the ground and play wrestle mania, but Dad does. This seems to keep my little one happy and is a good use of his abundant energy. What I am getting at is that little boys need active play to release their energy and do what they do best. Of course, there is always Mommy time, but it does not involve rough housing. He turns to me for nurturing and quite time. Both my husband and I work long days and know how tired we are at the end of the day...stay at home mommies are also tired. But, in my opinion, it sounds like your little guy needs Dad.

I sympathize, my two were much worse at three than at two. This could also be combined with jealousy if he is aware that you are pregnant again. As you probably already know, it is very important to set limits and be consistent. I also recommend Thomas Phelan’s book 123 magic. I believe there is also a CD to go along with the book. He lays out easy to follow discipline strategies. If you are really frustrated, you can often find counseling students who are looking for children to work with. If you have a University in your area you can give them a call and see if they offer any services, they are usually free. I worked with several children this way.

In my experience, three is much harder than two. I have experienced a lot more acting out from three year olds than from two year olds.

I have to agree with your MIL that it does sound like he's screaming for attention. It may be from your husband, or you, or both. It sounds like you do everything you can to get one on one time with him and you make sure he has alone time without siblings or other kids (AWESOME thing to do, by the way). Some kids just need more and different kinds of attention. There's a book about Speaking You Child' Love Language (I think that's the title) that may help you to figure out the type of attention your son desires most. I wish I had the author, but I can't find the book at the moment. It's been very helpful to me with children and families I have worked with.

I really want to congratulate you on being so dedicated to one on one time with your kids. That's hard to balance and it's so important to them - and you.