There Was a Little Girl...

Positive reinforcement for good behavior. Emphasize the good. Explain what is bad and try to reinforce empathy: "Would you like it if 'Mary' kicked you? How would you feel?'

Love and Logic. Check it out at the library.

Also, stop the yelling. What does your yelling teach your daughter about appropriate behavior under stress or while angry? Usually, yelling indicates that yoou're frustrated because you've given her several warnings already. Stop the warnings. As soon as she behaves in a naughty way, remove her for a time out. You don't have to keep warning her...she knows what she's doing.

How to Talk so Kids will listen, how to listen so they will talk.

I'm no expert and my kids sure as hell are not perfect, but there's good tips in there.

Post house rules.
Review twice per day.
Post consequences for breaking house rules.
Be consistent.

Not a book, but worked for us.
We didn't do time outs, we removed a privilege for hours or days.

I wouldn't swat her bottom, as one post suggested! She's already kicking her sister, so teaching her that it's okay for one person to strike another (especially a bigger person doing it to a smaller one) is absolutely the wrong way to go.

You need to find a discipline system that is consistent. She can't learn if you keep changing. I think it's less important what system you use than whether you stick to it. "How to talk so kids will listen" is a book a lot of people like, and there are others.

Have you checked with the school to see if they are seeing any of these behaviors? Maybe she's just doing them at home (that's very common) but it would be good to know. Also find out if there are certain verbal cues the teacher uses that are either very helpful or which backfire and upset her. Sometimes using similar techniques at school and home (assuming they work for you and fit in with your style) can increase consistency.

Sometimes kids just hold it together during school and then lash out at home. Sometimes being just one in a group of 20 kids makes kids feel unnoticed, or excessively structured, and they fall apart later.

Not sure if the "yelling" you're talking about is HER, or you yelling at her to stop her inappropriate behavior. I would suggest not responding to her with yelling, and also not with excessive debate or discussion. Just remove her instantly from the room, deprive her of your attention, and let her stew about it. If time outs consist of you telling her over and over why she has to stay in the time out chair or in her room, it means she's got your complete attention. That doesn't encourage her to stop. Consequences must be immediate - at this age it doesn't work if you say "No TV tonight because you are kicking your sister now." Too much of a delay.

Good luck.

Put her to bed earlier on school nights and see if that helps.
My daughter went through a funk transitioning to school. She was tired and sick of being good all day and was a turd at home, but Angel at school.
Funny how that works.
Good luck!

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. In ADDITION to loads of positive reinforcement, respect, love, no anger, action vs yelling, etc, you ALSO need EFFECTIVE discipline. If at 5 1/2 she is behaving this way, with full impulse control and maturity (My oldest is 6 and middle is 5, and I cannot fathom them thinking they could get away with that for a second based on their early consequences to any inkling of that stuff) then time-outs have had NO EFFECT and need to be stopped immediately. Ineffective consequences only teach kids there is no down side to behaving badly. Time-outs are completely useless for LOTS of kids. You need to stop yelling and get much tougher after ONE warning. The good news is, at her age, she CAN control this, so if you don't allow it EVER, she won't do it. Good luck and be strong!

I'm a huge fan of 1-2-3 Magic. It has worked wonders with my two 5 1/2 year old girls. It teaches you how not to yell, how to set realistic expectations, and follow through with your daughter so she knows what she can get away with and what she absolutely can't! It's a really easy read (well, truthfully - all you really need is the first few chapters, the rest is practice and examples).

Instead of a book, I suggest tuining into Supernanny and watching a few
epidsodes.
She has great points & ideas.
If you don't have cable or have the particular channel that she is on, try
googling the show and watching it on your computer.

Oh and who is doing the yelling? If it's you, stop doing that now.
If timeouts don't work (make sure you're following the correct way to do it,
a non-play area like a chair on the wall and set a timer for 5 mins. One
min per year of age. Then go to her, ask if she knows why she is there,
end with a hug and kiss.)

She's learning how to deal with the social aspects of Kindergarten so she's good when she's there becuase she wants to make friends, gain the teacher's approval, etc. But then is probably worn out and exhausted when she gets home so she melts down knowing it's a safe place for her and that you'll love her no matter what. That's not a bad thing and it's not unusual. She's probably also jealous that little sister gets to be home with you all day - as much as she's happy to be at school there's conflicting emotions in her little heart.

Remember she's only been on the planet for 5 years. She's still a novice at EVERYTHING. She's under this social pressure while at school and just unravels when she gets home.

Talk to her, explain that you think when she gets home it must feel good to not have to be "prefect" like she is at school. Tell her that you're proud she's able to be so appropriate when she's at school and you're so proud that she's growing up to be such a big girl and learning how to behave when mom's not around. Give her a hug. Tell her you understand when she gets home she just wants to let her hair down and kick her shoes off and not be perfect. That's OK that she feels that way and she' can certainly come home to relax after school. But let her know that you expect she'll be respectful when she's home - to you, to her sister, etc. Also tell her it's not OK to pick up bad habits from other kids. Then tell you you're so proud knowing that she's going to get better all the time.

Encouragement of the positive works so much better than focusing on the negative.

Good luck mama!

Funny you should post this...must just be the age. My son who just turned 5 last week , is a totally different kid, and I am at such a loss with him. So shocked at the 180' in behavior.

For us I know a lot of it is picked up behavior from some particular classmates at preschool (hes a dec. baby so didn't make the cutoff of kinder this yr) but the rest of it, I'm sooo frustrated.

Not too many tantrums, but oh the back talk, and the ever so annoying need to be argumentative. I mean your cup is overflowing with water, so yes its too full....but of course "no its not". Everything I say lately its either 'no its not", "yes it is', "that's not right Mommy"---I've tried to ignore it to disengage the cycle of yes it is, no it isn't but it soooo hard.

As another poster mentioned (and when I can remember and not fall out of the ":Love and Logic" discipline) I love the Love and Logic discipline approach. they even have a toddler book, which I read for my 3 yr old and in all reality I use the same approach at the moment with my 5 yr (when I can stop and think).

Check it out, its really good resource, I just find myself slipping back into the old way of doing things and giving warnings etc. Mainly because now I also have an infant and the kids know what they can get away with----grrr!

Can't wait for this apparent phase to be over with. Hang in there you're definitely not alone :)

This has made a difference for us: make sure she gets a half hour of activity when she gets home. Seems crazy when they come home so tired, but that little bit of physical activity helps my kindergartener unwind and relax. Also, try not to yell when she is acting up but don't be afraid to discipline (timeout, go to your room, whatever works for you). It takes some time to be effective, but it has made a great change for the better here. Good luck!

The book Have A New Kid By Friday is awesome!

The wonderful little book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, is the most effective and practical parenting book I've ever used, and I've investigated quite a few of them in my 40+ years of caring for children in various capacities. It takes a little practice, but is broken down into easily-learnable chapters that enable you to practice the sensible principles as you go.

I've been employing this gentle, mutually-respectful approach with my grandson since he's been 2.5 years (he's now 7), and it's been amazing. We have a cheerful, cooperative relationship even when he's with me for 3 days running. I seldom have to ask him twice (well, maybe 3 times) to do what I ask. He's free to tell me what he needs and wants (very useful for knowing if something's bugging him), and we have really wonderful conversations and understand each other well.

Is he still a kid? Sure, and he has an occasional melt-down when he's tired or hungry. Disagreements happen, and can be dissolved without arguments. But he's also a small adult, and this approach brings out the best in him.

My son was on a behavior chart at school last year. (thankfully they have not needed it this year). They had the activity listed, and he would get Red, yello or green stickers. If he got enough green stickers then he would get extra mom/daddy time at home.

They started small and by the end of the year he got more smileys than x's. This year he is following in suit with the other kids.

My son has AdHd so keeping him engaged and out of situations that get him in trouble is a start. Once you get into that yelling/time out pattern it seems to escalate.

The holidays are h*** o* the kids. Us parents are stressed and they feel it. It is a hard battle with parenting, getting things done and trying to keep the peace.

How are your time outs done? We have learned.. we give him a 3 count, if the action does not ceace, get changed etc.. with out words other than saying.. Time out, pick him up put him in the time out spot, when time out is over, I make him aware of what put him there. I tell him I love him, but I want him to ....use his words, or what ever the Postive way he could have acted .. and then we carry on.

something else that I would do with him is make him say 5 times... I will keep my hands to my self, or I will not pick up my sister etc.. for the first offence.. 10 times for the second.. that would usually stop it for the day.

you can also create house rules..
1 eyes to mommy
2 sit for meals
3 quiet voices
4 hands to self..
5. Pelase and thank you

you can add in your own rules.. go over them every morning or even a few times a day. The reppition is a postivie way for them to be remineed of what is expected of them.

Good luck.

Supernanny has a book.

As my dad always tells me a good swat on the bottom with solve that!

It really sounds like a typical transition issue. You've gotten some very useful tips, so I'll just add one valuable piece of advice from a friend with older children -- You're doing something right if they are behaving outside the home. They feel they are in a safe environment to act up at home. The trick is to not lose it "in the moment". It's OK to not have a consequence ready at a moment's notice. In as calm a voice you can muster, say, "Uh oh. This isn't appropriate and I will have to do something about that, but I'm just too angry right now to think. For now, you need to have a time out and we'll talk about it later when I'm more calm." It makes a huge difference in being able to stay consistent in consequences, etc. if you don't get caught up in the emotions of it. Plus it teaches them that the emotions they may be having are OK, it just not the proper way to handle them. Good luck.