The Talk.

M....start now. I am also a divorced mother of a 15 yr. old son. I opened the line of communication here a long time ago about that when he was in the 5th grade seeing the 'maturity movies'.... If your son has/had that, use that source as well for a start on the topic. Assure him when you begin, that you know yourself its ana possibly embarrasing topic, however a fact of life as well that needs to be discussed. Depending on how close he is to his stepdad, (only you can determine this!) will depend on if you want to include him or make two separate attempts to talk about this. You can make it a very positive experience for him if you let him know that your 1. realizing he's growing to be a wonderful young man and with that comes responsibility 2. that you want to do a good job as a mother on informing him of facts rather than what he might learn from the outside or friends. --- don't be afraid of questions or too much information....better that he gets it all now, than too late. Inform him of diseases. His health is your concern! Inform him that even girls these days are agressive...that he needs to keep site of his dreams and goals, but if he doesn't and happens to make a mistake early on that those dreams and goals of his own are then sacrifised to another responsibility. Let him know that his dreams and goals are your wishes come true for him...that you would like to see him make intelligent decisions in his life to be his best. Taking this angle lets him know you care, that you believe in him and his maturity to handle a mature conversation. He may be a little on the uncomfortable side at first...however, as you go through information with him...he will begin to clarify things with you, and ask his own questions. To prepare yourself/your husband if your including him as well depending on comfort level you may want to make notes for yourself on all that you do want to cover. Make it a point once a year at the least to go over things and ask him if he's comfortable with what he knows, to update him on any issues (a good way to get into it is to ask what he thought about something on the TV, news, or maybe even magazine that you know he saw!) If your going to talk to him separately, your husband may take an angle first that 'hey, I heard you and your mom had a talk about some pretty important stuff....have any questions or anything that you want to talk to me about? I'm open to just listening if thats what you need.' This opens communication for them and gives your son another positive outlet for the proper information. During puberty, he may or may not be comfortable with some of the physical changes that he is going through.... knowing he can talk to your husband if he can't talk to his Dad for one reason or another, will be a reward in itself! I was the one to have to discuss all this with my son and we have a wonderful line of communication and respect for this important topic as well as a rewarding relationship! He's able to make more positive decisions because of his knowledge now. Feel free to write me privately or here...I've gone through this with several other mothers and myself, and opening the communication with your son at this stage is vital for a very healthy and rewarding relationship at a very important time of his life....while going through puberty! Best of luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

I think honesty is the best way to handle the situation. Tell him that you overheard him talking about some things of a sexual nature and then ask him what he knows about sex. He will probably be embarrassed because I don't think any kid really wants to talk to their parents about sex. (I'm 31 years old and I'm still not comfortable talking to my mom about anything sexual!) The key is to be nonchalant about it, don't let him know that you're uncomfortable. Explain to him that sex is a natural thing, but that it should be between mature adults who love each other. Once he tells you what he already knows, you can take it from there. You know the maturity level of your son, so talk to him in language that he can understand. Let him know that if he doesn't want to talk about sex right now, you are always there to answer any questions. You want him to know that he can come to you and you won't get mad. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I never had the comfort level of talking to my parents about sex. I had my daughter when I was 15 so I made the decision to be the complete opposite. I started in the car where we were not forced to make eye contact and once we got the convo flowing, it got easier. I told her as much as I wanted her to know and if it didn't satisfy her, she would ask more and I would give her tid-bits at a time but I didn't stop at sex - our talks include drugs, alcohol, violence, racism, peer-pressure, etc. As time went on, she opened up more and today, she is very comfortable with asking me anything. I also agree with the mother who suggests talking to your son about female issues too because nothing would be more embarassing than being in a situation and having to pretend to know what his peers are talking about. Plus, this will give him a better respect for you as well as other women. I think your husband should get involved if he wants to because my husband talks to my daughter (her step-dad) as much as I do. Her own father lacks in that area so my husband definitely fills that void and I know she appreciates it. Unfortunately in this day and age, kids are experimenting younger and younger so talk to your son soon and do it on a regular basis. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My friend if I were you I wouldn't wait. I recently heard a statistic that s.t.d's are up signifigantly in middle school age children. (scary scary thought!) It is normal for them to be very curious these days and I know it can be a bit embarrassing for them to hear sexual stuff from mom, but imagine his embarrassment if he had to go to the doctor for an s.t.d. If they don't know it is wrong to have sex at this age they think it is no big deal. You will have the right words when you talk to him. I would just keep it very technical and make sure you let him know that in this day and age having unprotected sex can be deadly!
Blessings!
A.

Maybe your husband can talk to him. Sometimes it's easier for a boy to hear it from a guy. He'll always be embarrassed so that's something you can't avoid. Some Planned Parenthoods have peer counseling programs as well. You can call their education director and see if you can make an appointment for your son to talk to them. You'll have to talk to them first to make sure that you agree with what they will tell your son. When I used to work at one, I would ask the parent what their beliefs are before I talk to their kids. That way I don't step on the parents' toes, but I'm not sure they all do that. Good luck.

Y.

My oldest son is 16. We went for a drive, probably heading to a store or maybe McDonald's. I think I brought it up by starting .. (hey, I know your gettin older now, and there are alot of things you've probably already started hearing from your friends. I want you to know you can talk to me anytime and ask me any questions. I want you to learn the right answers and not what some kids are just making up.) The conversation usually takes off from there, not so much talk talk talk, but mainly listening and a question here and there. It seemed easier in the car,, no face to face, less embarrasing, too. Try to remain calm no matter what he asks and only give minor details that you are comfortable with.

Good Luck, this is def a mile stone for you both!!

L.

my son been going through that, too? i just sat and had a talk with him about that, and listen on phone what they where saying? that's how i deal with it.does anybody have a spinal bifida child? see ya wish you luck

My husband and I both had 10 year olds when we met; me a daughter and him a son. They are 3 weeks apart. I am sure that they know more about sex than I did in the 5th grade. We are very open with them and try to discuss boyfrien/girlfriend relationships with them regularly. We haven't talked a lot about sex except for to say don't do it yet, but I think with our involvement in who they "like" it will be an easy transition. We do talk about the off-the-wall sexual related things. Hopefully this will discourage them from trying them.

I have a 12 year old boy, and you would be shocked as to how much they know nowadays. My suggestions is to just talk to him, whenever you are hanging out with him just let him know there is nothing you wouldn't answer. It really is better that you answer his questions rather than his little friends. Don't be afraid, if you are comfortable so will he be. My son asks us everything he wants to know. Sometimes he asks some things that I am completely taken aback by, but I pretend it is perfectly okay and answer to the best of my ability. Good luck to you.

There was an AWESOME two day program through our church that involved the kids and parents...first seperately...then together and EVERYTHING was discussed. They did it in a fun and serious way to make the communication between each other easier. It opened up those lines for my child and I and kept them over ever since for us. I would suggest calling some local Protestant churches and see if they have a program like that. It's my understanding it's a popular session nationwide. I will tell you that you are a little bit behind the boat here so act quickly. I put Tanner through this at 7 and it was very much neeeded at that time.

I agree with Tara about starting the convo in the car. My son, 14, lives with his father now, but while traveling back and forth, my husband & I have found that he indeed opens up more in the car. Lack of eye contact is a great opener for teens and, in your case, pre-teens. It was how we find out many things about how life is going at his dad's house, when he would NEVER tell me over the phone while he's there.

Over time, your child will listen and learn and give you a reason to have more pride in him/her.

I don't have any advice because I haven't had to deal with this issue yet. But this brought up a funny thing that my mom did (she wasn't good at talking about it-but I was smart to wait to have sex til I was 18 and with my future husband--and my younger sister got pregnant at 17 and didn't finish school). My moms way of dealing with it was to give me a book at my sweet 16 birthday party with ALL my friends there---------EMBARRASSING!!!! I will never forget that---I figured I would add some light on the subject since this really made me remember that day.

Good luck and I hope that your talk goes good and that he takes in everything you are saying and respects what info you have to give him. Let us know how it goes!!

C.

unfortunately there is no easy and unembarressing way to do it you are going to have to do it the hard way just sit him down and ask him what he knows and explain the rest I have noticed schools are teaching kids about it at a younger age so that may even be where him and his friends are getting it from but as far as kids starting to do it earlier you are right i have heard in recent case some start as early as 8 as unfortunate as it may be the talks have to come earlier. I hope this has helped you.

i would talk to him. he may be getting the wrong information from his friends. someday he'll look back and be glad you took the time to explain it to him. i wished my mom would have. i will not make that mistake when it's time to talk to my daughter someday! good luck!

You've got lots of good responses here. I'll just add some of the things that I've experienced raising my three sons. You'll both be uncomfortable at first, but as with anything, you'll make it through this first discussion. Don't wait! At 11 he's been exposed to a lot of information already, and you need to be sure that the information is correct. When you speak to him, treat him with respect and listen to him (though he may not want to say anything or even look at you!)
I also want to add something that I think is very important. I think that when presenting sexual information to boys, most parents forget to discuss what girls go through. I think that it's very important for boys to know about girls menstrual cycles and how female anatomy works. Now, you may not want to discuss all of that in one sitting, but it's important that boys know about this, too. My husband grew up with only boys in the house, and he was pretty much clueless when I met him. All he knew was what he saw on Tampax commercials, I think! (In his defense, I will tell you that we were young when we met.) It's a little funny, but it is serious information that all males need. If we expect them to be informed about sex, we can't give them just half of the equation. And, it's good for them to know some basic information.
The other thing that I want to add is that you also need to discuss oral sex. This is a pretty big thing in middle school. The kids don't consider it sex, and the boys aren't refusing what the girls are offering. There has been more and more information about this reported recently, and I have a bit of personal experience with the boys that I work with. I've overhead some very shocking things, and it is very, very common. Also, my oldest son, who is 19, worked at a movie theater, and he says they had a lot of problems with the 11 and 12 year old kids who would come into the theater in big groups, and then have oral sex during the movies. From the parents perspective, they think, "Oh, fun! Isn't it nice that the kids are going to the movies all together. It's fine to go out boy-girl in groups." Well, you might want to keep an eye on that. After my son told me about it, I started hearing things on Oprah and reading about that in some magazines that movie theaters were pretty popular places to have oral sex.
It's no fun having to address these things with our children, but they need to get good, reliable information. That's our job as parents. Start talking with your son now, and be sure to keep talking for years to come! It's not THE talk, because that implies a one-time thing. This has to be an ongoing discussion.
You'll do fine!

Be honest and don't "sugar coat" anything. If your unsure about what to say or want more resources ask one of his teachers or a councelor at school for help. Just let him know you are always ready to talk and you will never lie to him. That way if he has queastions or concerns he can talk to you and not to one of his friends that thinks they know everything but doesn't. Make sure you tell him about some of the myths, you know the ones that she can't get pregnant the first time. Good luck!

I think it's definately time to start a talk. ;) You could break the ice with a good book on puberty geared toward boys. If you're going to look into church programs the UU church has a great one called Our Whole Lives. You can read about it here: http://www.uua.org/owl/what.html