Terrible Twos - Stockbridge,GA

Neither. Tantrums are what 2s do when they are completely frustrated. Once one starts, they are out of control and their opportunity to learn is over until the tantrum is as well. What they need are better tools to get what they need/want before the tantrum and better tools for coping with frustration. Things that helped us when DS was that age (and 3 is worse) were

1. Enough sleep - huge factor. Also avoid difficult things when it is clear he is tired.

2. Avoid hunger - tantrums are much more likely when a child is hungry. True for me too and I am 45.

3. Say yes as much as possible. Most 2 year olds hear no all day long. I would find this incredibly frustrating. So instead of saying, 'no, we can't play blocks until we clean up the trains' say 'yes, let's play trains just as soon as we clean up these blocks together'

4. Provide positive choices (no more than 2-3, more is just confusing) - rather than 'brush your teeth now' say - 'would you like to brush with the blue toothbrush or the yellow one today?, (hand him the one he picks) 'great, now do you want the clear toothpaste or the sparkle one?', put the toothpaste on the brush and you are there.

5. Make it a game - this works for many, many things but required me to stop and think a lot before it became habit. In our house it looked like - wow, DS there are lots of toys on the floor, I bet I can get ALL the blocks put away, before you get the buddies (stuffed animals) away. Or, I bet I can get to the bathroom for toothbrushing first, one, two, three, go!. Yes, you pretty much have to let him win the race at least most of the time.

6. Speak respectfully to your child and try not to yell (yes, this one is hard). But kids model how we speak and being 2 or 3 is frustrating enough without being yelled at all the time. So, I try to consider how I would feel if my boss at work spoke to me how I am speaking to my child. If I would get defensive or angry, I rephrase.

7. I never punished or ignored DS for losing it. I think that teaches kids that mommy only loves them/ they are only lovable when they are happy. They need most to know we love them when they are having mad/sad/ugly/angry feelings. If he was inappropriately loud in a public place, we removed him to a better place (outside generally) and sat together until he felt better. I always offered a hug at this time.

8. Give him words for his feelings and tools for his frustration. 'DS, you seem mad about X' and give him an acceptable outlet for these feelings. At DS's daycare they taught them that when they were mad they could say it, stomp their feet and walk away. So DS would come up to me, say, mommy, I am really mad my blocks fell down, stomp his feet and walk away (for about 4 seconds). And then generally be ok with it (no, you cannot laugh when this happens). Some parents give their kids something soft that is ok for them to hit, or something soft that is ok to throw.

9. Remind yourself this is not about raising a 2 year old without tantrums. It is about raising a thinking, questioning, empathetic, loving adult.

Matters. Is the tantrum directed at you or just undirected?

I mean if he is bitting you and kicking you and hurting you, then yes punish, if he is just throwing his legs and arms around while laying on the floor... let him be.

Be proactive. If your toddler tantrums every day at 1130, perhaps lunch should be earlier or so on. If your toddler tantrums at transitions, be proactive. Give a heads up that there will be a transition, let the child "save" some of what they are playing (If they made a block tower, do not have them clean it up so that they can continue to work on it later), let them know what they are transitioning to and add something enticing. If your child tantrums because they don't want to wear what you want them to wear, let them choose their clothes. The idea is to prevent the tantrum.
If it does occur, let them get it out. Not ignore them, just step back and let them express how they feel. As he calms down you can start to talk to him, "You got very angry when xyz happened. It can be tough not to get what you want. What will make you feel better?" You are coaching coping skills.

Hope this helps,
B. Davis

http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

Check out 123 Magic.
It's an easy read and good guidance for navigating tantrums.

Find the book Love and Logic for Toddlers. Also, baby signs. Anything you can do to help your 2 year old communicate will help cut down the tantrums. At this age, they have language in their heads, but can't communicate what they want/how they feel effectively. They get super frustrated. Love and logic will help you figure out how to give the toddler choices - which makes them feel like they have control over a world they don't have much control in (do you want your juice in the red or blue cup, etc.). Also helps teach them to make choices/ decisions. Baby signs will help you communicate more effectively if baby isn't already.

Dana and Krista had great answers re what to punish and what to ignore. Good luck!

A toddler having a tantrum is a toddler trying to manage some type of emotion. Punishing or ignoring does not help either parent or child and leaves the emotion unmanaged. I am a parenting and emotional intelligence coach who focuses on building EI skills in kids. Kids who have these skills have been shown (by research) to have greater life success and authentic happines and even do better in school.
I'd strongly recommend that you become a parent detective and find out what your son is experiencing. Realize that he doesn't have a full vocabulary so you'll have to help him develop words that describe what he is feeling.... "angry", "sad", "super excited"... etc.Once the emoton is identified, and both parent and child are on the same page, it is a good idea for the parent to validate the child. You want the child to know that he can trust what he is feeling inside. Then, problem solving can begin.

Of course, the suggestion below about making sure the child is rested, fed, clean are basics to keep toddlers not terrible, but terrific!
kj

It depends on why he's tantruming. If he's having one of those moments when he simply can't regulate his emotions (over-tired, trying to do something he's too young to do, can't find the right words, etc) then ignore it. Tell him that you will listen when he's calm and then walk away for a few minutes. If he's engaging in an unacceptable behavior and is screaming b/c you asked him to stop, then put him in a time out and remove whatever it is he wanted.