Temper tantrums...is This Normal?

Yes, normal for her age, though I would say a little on the extreme side. She would be just way too young for a bi-polar diagnoses, especially due to a bad temper tantrum, so don't worry about that.

I love child expert, Dr. Sears discipline advice:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

here is the specific section on tantrums:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp

This is normal behavior, though your daughter sounds more spirited than some. She doesn't really want to cause problems, she's trying to meet her growing need for autonomy, independence, and control. This spirit and energy will help her get ahead some day.

Busy parents want everything to flow according to our grownup expectations. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and thats' completely normal – she can't help it. Digging in heels and tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than she's able to endure. Many parents report that this "new" behavior seems to come out of the blue. The stress of travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.

Though you won't ever have a toddler who can behave like an adult and make all the choices you would make, there are tried and true methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration that the mom and the child experience during the next couple of years. It takes some thought and planning, but you'll expend far less time and energy than dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.:

1. When she wants something, empathize. Big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no to a child. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

2. Keep it playful. Children lean primarily through play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your daughter's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be.

There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy that she gets to play with only at those times.

3. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)

4. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

5. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. An already frustrated child doesn't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

6. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another item she likes when you have to take ______ away from her, or a healthy treat when she wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

7. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

8. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.

9. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. Look at your parenting contract, and you'll find it in microscopically-tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices."

Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

I wish you both well. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your daughter, and make sure she knows. Children seek attention and approval, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them.

Extreme anger CAN be a sign of aspergers, ADD or bipolar...and these have roots in adrenal malfunction. The adrenal puts out several hormones, one of which is called cortisol. Cortisol IS our stress hormone. If we have enough of it we can handle stressful situations. If we don't have enough of it , we will over-react to stressful situations. Cortisol controls your blood sugar. When cortisol is low, your blood sugar will be low also. Low blood sugar causes all kinds of symptoms, crying easily, rage, a period of mania or laughter after eating and then a dropping an hour or two later ...where the child will feel anxious, angry, unable to control emotions, and emotions are extreme for the situation. You might also see the child tend to zone out, they may also have nervous habits like excessive nail biting or skin picking. Low blood sugar causes people to wake around 2-3 am and not be able to go back to sleep. There may be trouble getting to sleep, then trouble waking in the morning.
Low cortisol can be tested with a saliva cortisol test (not a blood test). If a doctor wont order it you can order it yourself from canaryclub.org. Email me so I can help you decipher the test result.

Probably

Have you tried just sitting with her and empathizing? That doesn't mean you have to 'give in' on the inciting issue. But tantrums once they start are about her frustration. She will not hear you during them and it is pretty much non-productive to try to reason with her during them. Peg M. has some great suggestions. It really does sound normal.

Does she nap?
Does she have snacks or eats well?
When my kids do not, especially my daughter.... she gets like that.
Just beside herself.

Over-tired kids... get like that too.

A kid... will deflate on their own.
You CANNOT 'reason' with a child, when they are in the midst... of an active Tantrum.

Does your daughter, get active runaround time daily?
A child, once they are a Toddler, NEEDS to get out their yah-yahs... and be physically active. They have a lot of pent-up energy.

Also, they do not have, at this age, any fully developed "impulse control" yet.
And, their emotions are not even fully developed yet.
And, they do NOT have any "coping-skills' nor automatic ability for that, at this age. Yet.
It has to be taught... to them. Over time....
Some Adults, do not even have 'coping skills' for their emotions or upsets....

AND, you NEED... to teach them how to communicate AND the 'names' for their feelings. I began teaching my kids these things from 2 years old.
Teach them, how to say "I am mad..", "I am grumpy..." , I am frustrated...' I am hungry...., I am tired, etc.
SO THAT.. over time, they become more articulate in expressing themselves. AND that they learn, they 'can' tell you these things.

A pent-up kid... tantrums.
And even more so, if they cannot express themselves.

Any discipline you use... also has to be consistent. Or they do not learn... what is what.

Kids, at this age... mentally think they can do things... but they cannot. Their cognition and their motor-skills and/or emotions... are NOT aligned yet. Thus they get frustrated.
And they are reactors... to things.
Little mini Reactors.

all the best,
Susan

My 3rd child, girl, was this way. Terror! ANGRY!!!! Deliberate!!! Totally tried to be the boss of me since she was around 8 months old. As in, she'd be happy, newly fed and napped, beaming smile, being held in my arms on a nice sunny day, then I'd stop too long to talk to someone, so she'd turn bright red start screaming and smacking me in the face, and then as soon as I lied and said she was hungry and walked away, she'd be happy again. Angry dolphin body resistance dives to avoid getting put in the car seat, screaming all the time angrily if she didn't get her way. WAY more so than my first two, who didn't try any of this until they were 18 months old, and even then, not as bad. Your daughter is not at all abnormal for 2 1/2 if you have never nipped this.

Not giving in is a start, but it's simply not reacting, it's not a firm lesson to a 2 1/2 year old to NOT do that.

Tantrums can be stopped. My ex terror is now 18 months old and ahead of the game, already stops a tantrum at a warning, and her older sibs didnt' even try their first tantrums until they were her age.

You need to give her your firmest consequence after one CALM CLEAR warning at the very first moment of the fit so she learns she has a chance to stop. EVERY TIME. Do not ever let it proceed. Do not try all different stuff, do not sometimes ignore. Firmest thing, immediately every time after a warning, so she learns to heed the warning. She will learn to control it. If you caught the very fisrt ones it would stick quickly, but sounds like your daugther is comfortable with the habit and has made herself into a human fortress of fury, so it may take some extra reptition. Consistency, firmness right away every time.

You should never let her get as far as slamming things etc. Turn the very first seconds of the fit into a reaction from her consequence after not heeding your warning-which is a result of her action- and never let it be a totally self inflicted frenzy she is indulging in. Don't even let her cry too long after a consequence without reasserting that she needs to stop the fit. If she does get past the point of no return, walk away, but address the moment the next one starts.

Though she is smart and totally comprehends this, and is actually PLENTY old (2 is pushing it on the late side) to teach not to have tantrums, she is too young for sympathizing and verbal stuff like validation and understanding. She will just think this is approval for the tantrum. Don't set her back by letting this continue-good luck! Keep your environment playful, loving and positive at all other times so she sees the black and white difference for when she is making a wrong choice and can learn faster. The more effective you are, the less discipline you'll need.
If you need more specifics, let me know, my first tried them at 18 months, learned right away it would not work out for her to try that, but then started them again at 2 1/2 but ONLY in public! I had to re-nip it. You can do it!
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

She is just trying to get your attention. I dont think there is anything wrong with her, it is more of an age thing. I would not even acknowledge her when she is having a fit like this. It might go on for a good period of time but if she is in a safe place and isnt going to harm herself but hitting her head or anything then I would just let her be.

I am wondering if it's both being a girl and the yerrible 2s. I have the same situation at home with my 2 year old daughter and she has the tantrums sometimes in the middle of the night when something wakes her up. I do comfort her but most of the time it doesn't help.

Updated

I am wondering if it's both being a girl and the terrible 2s. I have the same situation at home with my 2 year old daughter and she has the tantrums sometimes in the middle of the night when something wakes her up. I do comfort her but most of the time it doesn't help.

Is it normal - no. Is it bipolar - who knows, but I wouldn't fret about it just yet. She is only 2.5 and if she is as smart as you say, she could be showing frustration b/c she doesn't have the vocabulary or coping skills yet to deal with her advanced 'smartness' :)

My son was the same, super smart and freaked me out with his tantrums. He began to outgrow them as he got older. The last one I remember was in the 4th grade. It was ugly. I used all kinds of methods and yes they are so exhausting and upsetting. He was also my first child, and had been through divorce and a move. A father that wasn't present in his life. I think things were hard for him yet I like you was adamant when I said no.
What I felt helped, don't know if it's true, was the restraining. I would hold him close to me, most of the time he'd wrestle so much we'd be on the floor. I would use mantras like, you're safe, it's okay, i love you. I'd repeat over and over again quietly and let him know that my grip would get stronger as he fought and looser as he pulled it together.
When he would start to calm down, I'd pull myself together and try to joke saying things like 'whoa, that was a long one, hopefully the next one won't take so much time'. As he got older, I would try to witness the signals when he was about to loose it and remind him we're about to get out of control, do you want to- what are you going to do about it? When the tantrums were finished I would ask if he felt better. I was trying to let him witness what was happening. I would often use the words like you're about to step out of control. or you were out of control. I had to hold you so you wouldn't hurt anyone or anything. I told him I'd keep doing it until he could do it by himself.
I don't know if that was helping him or he just grew out of them. Yet I can tell you that he's now in the 8th grade, is a great, happy kid and makes progress each year.
Good luck!