Temper Tantrum Queen

Hi there. I just learned about this website so I am a little late in responding to your initial post :)
I have read the other posts and think you have gotten some good responses. We had the same problem with my son and I finally learned how to get him to stop. To this day he is 4 and still has days where he is just extra tired from a long day and we have to just give him extra love and mercy. But I had to realize that on days that he was only doing this to be a brat, I learned from the help of friends with great behaved children that it was much deeper than that.
You need to gain the respect of your daughter. She is throwing tantrums because she can and she gets away with it. You can train babies to stop crying whenever you want them to, so you can certainly train a 17 month old. We had to learn to just put him in time out and lovingly tell him that this is inappropriate and that he isn't going to get up until he stops crying, that Mommy and Daddy loves him but I won't listen to him cry. Then I left him. If he got out, I put him back, and just like on Super Nanny, it works. She won't do it very long if you gain her respect now by training her she is the child, and you are the mom. She needs to respect you and your authority, with love and firm consequences (time-out). Pretty soon you'll be home free and you will all be much happier.
a website you might enjoy with great parenting skills is www.nogreaterjoy.org They have tons of people who write in with questions and need advice on parenting. These people who run this website have changed my entire life as a mom thru their books and their teaching. Now my 2 kids are MUCH happier children! Not to mention me :)
H.~

I agree with a lot of the responses you've gotten. My daughter just turned two this month and she has really bad fits sometimes. It took awhile but I finally figured out that the fits only happened when she wasn't getting my attention. It's harder for me to stop what I'm doing and sit and read her a book or play with her on the floor one-on-one because she has a one year old brother, but if I can even take a couple minutes to talk to her and let her know I love her and find her something that she likes to do or give her a task she can help with (draw, help get the laundry out of the dryer, anything...), she usually calms down quickly and stops. Just be glad you only have one little handful :o) It's so much harder with two so young both wanting your attention!

I feel for you! My son has quite the temper on him as well. And also usually with me. "they" say (them being whoever the experts are LOL) that they do it with us because they feel secure enough to let go (yay). I found that if I watched my son I could usually tell when he was getting close to a fit. He was mostly tired or hungry and by jumping the gun and feeding/napping him I could delay the tantrum. Also, I found that sometimes he was just having a bad day and needed some one-on-one time with me. Just sitting down and reading stories or playing with toys on his level (that being the floor) for a few minutes would really improve his mood. NOT as he was throwing the fit but after. Also, When he gets out of control I often sit close (but not close enough to get hit) and just talk. Talk about our day, or the things in his room, or something. Pretty soon he is listening and talking back. I found he hates to have his nose running and needs to wipe it in order to get all calmed down (wierd huh). Anyway, just hope she gets past this. Jen

If you give her any attention when she throws a tantrum, even to show that you're concerned, and her father doesn't she will continue them with just you.

At 17 months her nervous system is very undeveloped and once she starts on the tantrum it is difficult for her to stop. Do you remember being upset and start crying and then can't seem to stop? It's similar only happens more for our little ones because their nervous systems are immature and they lack the understanding and the skills to stop it. But they will learn how to stop it if we leave them alone.

We can't teach them how to stop it. We might be able to figure out what set of circumstances triggers it and eliminate those part of the time. Is she tired, hungry, sensitive to sounds, smells, or even a quick change of activity?

With my granddaughter I would just sit on the floor a few feet away from her and calmly wait. In a few minutes she'd crawl over to me and sit in my lap and we'd cuddle for awhile. I think that some of the time she had the tantrum because she was tired and over stimulated. The not getting what she wanted was the trigger but her emotions and body were all set to go.

My grandson's tantrums were different. He didn't want anyone near him as evidenced by his directly kicking at and trying to hit me. When I left the room he stopped. I think his tantrums were in part the result that he could not communicate with words. He has apraxia of speech. His tantrums signified frustration and anger.

It is very difficult to ignore a tantrum. To me it felt like I was showing that I didn't care and I wanted to fix it right away. It's taken me most of my life to really understand that there are some things I just cannot fix. lol

I don't know if this will help much but my son used to do the same thing. It's so hard for them to make you understand how they feel. When he started talking well enough for me to understand what was going on with him the tantrums basically stopped and of course it's only with you he was the same way for some reason they have a no fear policy with Mommy he never acted like that with his father. Just hang in there a few more months trust me she will get better.

I would tell her "this behavior is not acceptable. We can talk when you're done" and walk away. If there's no audience, she won't continue, I wouldn't think. After she is done and calmed down I would talk to her about it, she may not be able to talk back but she can understand.

I think she only does it with you because 1) she knows you love her no matter what and so she can act however and know you will always love her 2) she knows she can get away with it. You can't and don't want her to think otherwise about #1, but you can show her she can't get away with it.

Whatever you decide to do, be consistent. If she always knows what reaction she is going to get from you and it's not the desired one... then she will be less prone to push your buttons.

Good luck! My daughter isn't to that age yet, but I've seen how my sister handles her 3 kids and it's the method above and seems to work.

Alright Tamara I don't much personal experience with this but I'm going to try my best! :) I am wondering if she is simply wanting more attention from you?? Maybe try taking her to a quiet room to read her a book? This way you are removing her from the room of which the object is in (out of sight, out of mind) and spending some quality time with her. I think at this young of an age this would not be rewarding her for throwing the tantrum. I have a 14 month old (red head) who will throw fits every now and then and recently has started fighting going to sleep. A couple of nights this week he screamed for an hour before falling asleep! I tried everything! What I found worked was going to a dark room and dancing and humming with him until he was sleepy enough to put into his crib. Goodness it takes a toll on you huh!! By the time its over you are exhausted like you'd been doing the screaming! If things continue your pediatrician may have a few helpful suggestions :)