Teen Hell.

This does sound like hell.

I have a feeling other extremely smart and driven people were not always sweet and nice to their parents. I can not imagine Albert Einstein stopping his train of thought when his mother called him down stairs to play with his neighbor or cousin who will be stopping by the house.

Do you think the guidance counselor or anyone has the ability to reason with her by showing true example of how it is healthy to have fun too.

My son left a traditional high school and is attending a high school for gifted teens (part-time) and then taking classes at our local college. He is a sophomore. I know exactly what you are going through. So here are somethings I have learned:

Just because kids are really smart, that doesn't mean they know how to study...if fact, the smart kids get by without studying much at all and then when the work gets hard, they freak out because they don't know why they can't get As anymore. And sometimes their entire identity is based on their GPA. So you need to figure out if she needs to learn some time management/study skills. It can be very hard to get kids like this to ask for help because they see that as a sign of weakness.

Kids who are really bright love to learn and they want to push themselves. Course schedule listings are like candy stores to them. I wish I had told my son that he did not have permission to take AP Chem even though he assessed into it because I knew it would grind him up. He insisted that he could do it. It ground him up. He dropped down to Honors Chem and is doing better, but not until he had suffered a lot of stress. LIke seriously crazy stress.

Kids who are really bright tend toward perfectionism and this is not a good thing. It means that their approach to work load makes things take forever and they are never satisfied with the results. I am guessing that this is where some of your daughter's anger is coming from.

She might be lonely. If she is a year younger than her peers, this is the time where that age difference is most obvious. Also, if she is especially gifted, she may feel frustrated because no one "gets" her and she might not be interested in what they like to do.

BTW, the cracks in my son started to show in Nov. too. I think it was final exam pressure that just made him collapse.

My advice, get a good therapist--one that will work for the whole family. Raising a gifted kid is not for the faint-of-heart, trust me. Two books that might help: Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students and The Gifted Teen's Survival Guide.

BTW, in addition to raising my kid I have worked in gifted education. Message me if you have any other questions.

She is driven and doesn't want to fail. Both great qualities but can also be taxing on her and your family. Since it's March and you're looking at the year almost completed I think it's wise to let her finish. I do think the lack of respect needs to be nipped immediately. That's more the issue you need to rethink. My daughter can get frustrated and become hard to deal with occasionally. I homeschool and we travel so sometimes we are all in the truck together when this happens. Usually I say something like I can see you're getting angry but you need to get a grip. I'd hate to have to take your phone. Once she said I don't care when I said that and said, ok, I need your phone. It was later in the afternoon when her behavior changed and she wanted to know if she could have it back. I told her no, but when I was ready to discuss it with her I'd let her know. Kept that phone for a couple of days (treating her normally otherwise) and she began to care a whole lot. I took her to lunch and explained she had to discuss the event that lead to her having her phone confiscated. When I was confident she understood that she's allowed to be frustrated/angry but not going to take it out on others, she received her phone. Haven't had that issue since. When her fuse is getting short all I do now is say uh-oh, I sure hope I don't have to take your phone. I'm sure you're going to adjust pretty quickly.

Another phrase I use when she gets angry and says I can't get this or this is too hard, I say, aren't you glad I don't believe that. Let me know how I can help you.

Please don't allow her mood to rule your home. It gives her way too much power and sets a precedent for her that she can manipulate others by her mood. I've had bosses like that, please don't train her to be that. Love and Logic for Teens is a great read and very quick.

Blessings and remember, you are the captain of this ship.

L.

She needs to be involved in something extracurricular. Do it through the school, your church, other venue.

My daughter was and still is very academically focused but she was also a a trained black belt, played violin in the orchestra and was a cheerleader 5 years and varsity captain senior year. Children need social stimulation as well as academics do they learn to balance the things in their life. Your daughter needs to experience the fun parts of school as well.

Daughter graduated with honors and is in 2nd yr of college still with 4.0 but very involved in her sorority as well.

Again, they need diversity!

Best wishes.

My concern isn't so much about the classes and the stress that comes with it but how she chooses to speak to you when she is stress. Unacceptible. It is time to teach her how to process her stress differently. There is no excuse for this.

Give her the tools she needs for success. She may need some tutoring, time management, and/or time away (down time) to gain a fresh perspective.

Her screaming shouldn't end a conversation at all. Quite the contrary. When you as parents walk away when she is screaming it is teaching her that screaming gets her what she wants and that is to continue to struggle in this mess. Her interpretation of what you are talking to her about is that you aren't there for her success but expect her to fail.

Be her biggest fan and her toughest champion but insist she communicate more like an adult which would be talking things out and listen to you and your husband because both of you have successfully completed highschool. (if that is the case). If she fails a class, it isn't the end of the world. She may be able to take it again over the summer where this would be the only class for her to focus on.

In my home we NEVER allow the inmates to run our asylum. Raising your voice at us parents isn't tollerated. She still has much to learn and it isn't all books. If she is frustrated at work and decides to raise her voice at her boss it could be grounds for immediate termination. Allow her actions to have consequences as you begin to teach her how to manage and handle her stress better.

Saying, "I know you are under some serious stress but this is not how you speak to me or your father. Please restate your comment in an acceptible tone or be prepared to suffer the consequences." Determine before hand what an appropriate consequece could be. Or you could choose to give her 5 minutes to calm down and then we will talk. This gives her time to diffuse her anger and you can diffuse too but then proceed to talk about the things that need to be discussed in a calm and affirming way.

I hope this helps.

I think some really good lessons could come out of this, such as:
- how to handle stress
- study skills
- that adults (you, school counselor) do know what you're talking about and should be listened to next time
- you love and support her no matter what, even when she doesn't listen, when she's bitchy, and when she fails in school
I would say for now just be as supportive as possible as she learns this on her own (like, "wow you're so busy and I'm so proud of how you're persevering through it, is there anything I can do to help?" Like make a snack, edit a paper, go through practice problems, whatever). I think it's really important to show her you do believe in her but that you are not expecting perfection. These types of kids can get really caught up in perfection and really break down quickly, so keep an eye on her.
Later, when she is through it, guide her to making better, healthier choices for the next set of classes by reflecting on this experience together and using this as a learning experience.

She chose this path, and she is struggling through it, which is what she should be doing. Stop trying to help.

Many kids I know who take challenging coursework spend a lot of time studying, and can be in their rooms into the wee hours getting their work done. The stress and lack of sleep isn't particularly healthy, but if the kids are driven to do it, then they should be allowed to try. If she doesn't have a lot of time for her friends, that's part of the deal that SHE chose.

Part of the moodiness etc. IS teen hormones. Unfortunately, it usually begins around your daughter's age. Don't engage her when she's moody and irritable.

The best thing you and your husband can do is be a unified front -- do not be scared of your daughter, for pete's sake -- allow your daughter to do what she has chosen to do, but demand a certain amount of politeness in her interactions with her parents. You are engaging way too much if she is devolving into screaming.

Keep your interactions short and succinct, and stop trying to micromanage her. Spring break is coming up soon, so she will have a little time to recharge in order to make it through the semester.

Great advice on how to manage her moods from Lori, and excellent example of how to talk to a surly teen.

Let her finish the year and after a couple of weeks off in the summer, when she has caught up on sleep and has some perspective, collaborate on appropriate choice for next year. She's probably already picked her courses for next year, which is fine. Let those stand for now, and then she can change them over the summer if she comes to her senses. We all need to find our limits. She's finding hers. The next step for a maturing person is to then learn how to respect those limits and find balance. It's a tough lesson to learn, but hopefully one she'll recognize now (after this year).

I would tell her that you do not want her to fail, but you also do not appreciate that your concern for her well-being results in her screaming at you. You have noticed that this semester is pretty tough and need to talk to her about it. My SS took several AP classes and wanted one more and we all told him no. I think it was the only time my DH put his foot down on the kids' selections. Joke was on us when the Calculus teacher was teaching everyone the AP level, regardless of what they signed up for. We found out that the kids were studying together hard and some had tutors and they were still failing. So you need to find out if it's anything like that where it's not just her. What class? Or is it all of them?

If she won't talk to you, will she talk to the guidance office? Can you arrange to talk to the guidance office with her about what is going on since you are concerned?

Some kids also freak out when things aren't so easy anymore. When things were only kind of hard, she was probably happy. But if things are truly hard, then you may have a situation someone else described where the smart kid can't study/doesn't really know how. Or it's possible she's hit a level of subject (say Chemistry, Math, Physics...) where it's not her forte and she needs to 1. understand that and 2. get help.

What I would not accept is her flipping out all the time. I would reiterate in calm moments (perhaps in the car, when you don't need to see each other) that you are worried about her health and well-being #1. So rather than have a meltdown, why not talk it over with you? Just try you. Mom and Dad might be more understanding than she thinks. I would work with her to get through the next few months and have some discussions about classes when it's time to choose next year's courses.

Teen girls ARE moody and teens can be real jerks. They're like toddlers....just with more experience. If you also think this could be depression or anxiety, find a family counselor.

I told my daughter when she went to high school I was requiring her to participate in an extracurricular activity. She could obviously pick it. She chose to get involved in theatre and has loved every minute of it. She has met the nicest group of kids and has lots of close friends. She has also been invited to go to many Sweet 16 and graduation parties since her freshman year.

Perhaps you could do the same.

It's great that she's so motivated and into her studies. On the other hand, she isn't allowing herself time to unwind and relax and that can lead to a breakdown.

She sounds like a perfectionist. I would see if you can get her some help through couseling.

Time for the doc and for a spring break vacation. She needs to be pulled kicking and screaming to the car to go do family stuff. Even if she doesn't make straight B's in her classes she needs to be out in the world or she's going to lose her social skills and lose too much.

Constant striving to live up to high expectations (yours, hers and others) may become very stressful. She may need to learn other skills or ways to manage stress, which will help her to achieve her goals and expectations; she also needs to understand to not push herself at the point her health will be affected, and relax, and accept that she is smart or intelligent, but she needs to live the life of a 15 year-old girl. She needs to enjoy life, friends, family and spare time. To achieve this, she needs professional help, and a good one.
Good luck!

My daughter is having to work her butt off this year for the first time in her high school life taking college classes. At one point, she wanted to drop a class b/c she was sure she was going to fail, it would screw up her GPA, she wouldn't get into college and she couldn't become a teacher. I told her she had to give it two more weeks and her GPA that quarter was 4.087 so she obviously figured it out. I'm wondering if your daughter is struggling with some anxiety as did/does mine. Also, she's been frustrated with teachers not teaching in the traditional ways. She's learned now that college courses are taught differently than in high school and adapted. I don't think its healthy that all your daughter is doing is homework and sleeping. That sounds like there could be some depression with the anxiety. Even if its not, it doesn't sound healthy. There are things my daughter doesn't participate in b/c of her homework, but she's still in Knowledge Bowl, volleyball, choir, ensemble choir, carolers, softball, National Honor Society, a youth leader at church, teacher crafts at church and is very involved in youth group in addition to having a job, friends and a boyfriend. There has to be a balance with schoolwork as there has to be with work and life.
I also will calmly remind my daughter that I understand she's frustrated, but I'm not to blame so yelling at me won't help. We have a really good relationship and she will talk to me about the stress. I've learned to just listen b/c she doesn't want me to fix it, just to vent. If I try offering suggestions, she gets more frustrated with me

You may consider letting her finish this year out. Then for her next selection of classes your husband and you should be involved with her and the counselor to select a less rigorous schedule. A recreational activity should be chosen, such as a sport or hobby to keep her rounded. If she's pushing for college, colleges are more likely to accept well-rounded students than ones who only do well academically.