Teaching Children to Be Self-sufficient

we had a 'job jar' so certain chores would switch every week (setting and clearing the table, walking the dog, vacuuming etc) and others that they 'owned' (making their beds, sorting their own laundry, picking up toys.) we tried various things to keep motivated, sticker charts and what have you, but i did spend a lot of time reminding and fair bit of time frustrated that i had to keep reminding. all in all it worked pretty well, though. i had them help make snacks and meals from a young age so they were self-sufficient pretty early on about helping themselves to simple things to eat when needed. i remember that at one difficult point i went on strike for a few days, and that was an eye-opener for them! it didn't totally eliminate the need to remind (nag) way more than i like, but it did give them a greater appreciation for the fact that families are microcosms of society and cooperation between all members is vital. you may need to let some stuff go, you absolutely should NOT be cleaning their rooms and micromanaging all their details. get some rest, woman!
:) khairete
S.

I see you have gotten a lot of responses, but wanted to chime in as well :). My 6 year old loads the dishwasher, and empties it of everything but the silverware. She makes her own lunch for school, she vacuums, clean toilets, does laundry, etc. My 4 year old unloads the silverware, vacuums, can get his own snack for pre-k, and helps take the laundry out of the dryer. My 2 year old can vacuum, clean his own room, and get his own snacks (of course with some help.) They all clean their rooms, clear their plates, and pick up their toys. There is always rewards for their work as well, whether it be playing a game outside of family game night, getting to help cook dinner, etc. When we have guests over that simply get up from the dinner table and leave their plates, we ask them to come back and follow the example at our house, and 9 times out of 10, they even then ask to help with the dishes or cleaning the table. It's a great thing to help and kids love it!! Good luck :).

I'm probably like you...strict on some things, lenient on others. Hubby and I picked what battles were important for us. Our son is now 8 but he's been getting his own snacks since he was 2 (hubby worked from home and watched him til he was 4 then school). We have a special snack drawer that is easy access with like crackers, dried fruit, sometimes sweets, etc. He cleans the toilet (toilet wand and clorox wipes, I still do the every other week scrubbing), swiffers my floors, cleans and dusts (since he was about 4). He also feeds the dogs, lets them out into the back yard, takes the trash and recycling to the curb. He doesn't get an allowance for this, it is part of being the family. In regards to cleaning his room I let him choose when to do it but it just has to be done by a certain time and if its not done then I make him do it right away. He actually likes helping out. When we are cleaning we talk together and are spending time together. He might take longer doing the toilets than I would but that's OK, he's still learning. Good luck and any little bit they can help is a lot!!

Give them chores. Mine have had chores since they could walk.
To make your life easier make one day chore day. THen play games.
We have the pick up a room in 15 minutes game. Put a timer on for 15 minutes and see who can pick up the most or dust the most, get those swiffer dusters.

Or put the timer on for 15 minutes and have them each in a room. THen they clean for 15 minutes and when the timer goes off they switch rooms.

Put coins under things that need to be dusted and let them clean and see if they find all the quarters.

They are not too old to have a kitchen day and help cook and clean.

I have mine on a schedule of who does what on which days, I have 4 kids.

Legally, people are not responsible for anything until they are 12. If kids could be self-sufficient before they were adults, there wouldn't be child-abandonment or neglect laws, yes?

Here's a completely new idea for you:

You can't make them feel pride, since even you don't demonstrate it in the work you do. You can't make them feel responsibility, certainly not while you're trying to shift your responsibility to them.

You can clean the room, if you want it clean... or you can choose not to clean it. Your standards are yours, and it is your job (not theirs) to maintain them the way you want to.

Your time is yours. How you choose to spend your time is up to you, not them. If you don't want to spend it cleaning up rooms, don't. But don't imply that it's anyone's job but yours.

If your kids don't care if their rooms are clean or neat for any of the reasons you think they should care they still don't care.

It's an amazing thing: when you show pride and joy in your work, and happily take responsibility you become happier in your work to the point that it no longer feels like work or drudgery or slavery. Until you take pride in your work and your responsibilities you'll feel like a slave and spend a lot of time trying to shirk it to others and become angrier and angrier every moment you spend on it.

Beyond that, though, when you demonstrate joy and a sense of freedom in matching your values and your responsibilities you will be pleasantly surprised that your children's resistance to pitching in disappears.

Great advice from everyone one. I'll simply add that initially, you'll have to help them and/or accept some imperfections. Encouragement at this point is important so be careful of being too critical when you show them what they've done incorrectly. My corrections at this point (4 yo) come later when we discuss always doing our best, etc. Also, you're going to have to do reminders for a very long time. Its going to be awhile before they automatically do certain things. FYI, I also frequently have her help me cook. She's great chopping veggies w/ a butter knife & her own cutting board. She also does an awesome job breaking open eggs.

I believe that when you give a child the responsibility to care for her self it shows that they are growing up and sometime as much as they say they want to they don't want to be big girls.

in my opinion perhaps sitting with them talk to them and let them know they all have an important roll and that together they can make the family a stronger force. If they help with their shores there will me more time to do other things. maybe start them up with an allowance a week if they complete there shores and a day during the week (Mid-Week) to go eat out or to the store if all shores are done. Don't go in back of them trying to correct or clean where they just finish cleaning. give them a sence of pride when they complete it.
Hope it works,

I have an almost four year old and also a small home daycare. From the daycare kids I expect that they pick up after themselves in regards to toys, etc... Usually this is best accomplished by letting them just do one activity at a time and cleaning that up before they start on another one. They also don't leave at the end of the day until they have out away whatever they were playing with, sometimes that means mom has to wait a few minutes, but it is good for them to tidy up after themselves and learn a little responsibility. Of course I go in at the end of the day and really clean the play room and sanitize toys, but kids can put stuff back where it belongs, imo. Make sure you have bins or designated shelves for things to go in so it makes clean-up that much faster and easier. My daughter follows the same rules as the other kids and also has the job of collecting laundry from around the house and bringing it to the washer. She actually likes doing it and its like a mission for her to dig out that odd sock that ends up under the bed =) We have been working on her making her own bed. Start small and work your way up. You are not their slave, and being the sole parent in the house is tough! The kids are part of the family and they should pitch in if they want to enjoy the perks that come from being part of it. (like new clothes, toys, treats) That mom talking about the legality of it---she must be joking! I got a good laugh off that post. Seriously? There is nothing wrong with teaching your kids some responsibility and expecting things from them. It is not your job as a parent to wait on your children hand and foot, unless you want them to treat you like a servant.

I give my daughter (age 6) "challenges" and "missions" to do. I encourage her to do her best in them. For example, she may have a challenge to get all her toys put into the toy bin, and have a 15 minute timer to see if she can get it done in that time. Or she could have a mission to go, pick out a clean, matching outfit (you can't make them change - they need to learn what matches!) put it on, and put her PJs in her bed, and then come back and show me! Or she could have a "mission" to sort dark and light lanudry, and then I review to see if she missed anything! We also have "races" where I give her a task and I have my own, and we see who can be done first. I don't even let her win, but I "share" my win if she tried hard, and sometimes she wins "fair and square" and she is proud of herself for working so hard! For example, she puts away the clean silverware from the dishwasher while I put away the rest of it. It's a pretty fair race, and she loves it!

In this way, she helps me around the house, takes care of her things, cleans, and learns how to be proud of the good work she can do.

You need to stop being a perfectionist to do this, though. Sometimes, the big forks end up in the little fork slot, and you know, it won't hurt anything. Sometimes the outfit is dreadful, but what is the worst that can happen as a result? The work they do won't be perfect, but if you fix it for them, it will only discourage them. Let them do the things, let the results stand, and they'll learn to be proud of the things they can do to really help you out!

My husband was deployed for 1/2 of my kids life, and this is what I have my kids do.

My 6 year old and 3 year old take turns setting the table. Each make their own bed, and my 6 year old puts away her clean laundry. Both make sure their dirty laundry in the hamper. They are supposed to pick up their room, but some days aren't good days. They seem to be responsible to put away their own toys. It's the toys they share they have a problem picking up. I have threatened to take a trash bag in the room and give their toys to more responsible kids. That usually motivates my 6 year old. My 3 year old begs for the trash bag (she has learned it saves her time in picking up). My 6 year old mops the kitchen floor (I give her baby wipes to do it). Each is supposed to clear their own dishes from the table. My 6 year old does help unload the dishwasher (like the silverware). They sometimes will fight over the vaccuum....I hold onto it with the 3 year old. Both kids like getting ingredients out for the meal, or putting them away. My 6 year old tries to write out the grocery list at times (helps her practice spelling). My 6 year old takes out the recycling bucket.

When things get rough and we don't want to pick up, we play pick up games. I have put names of toys on popsicle sticks and they pick a number of them and pick up everything in the room for that, ie books, dolls, blocks, etc. We have set 15 minute timers and picked up as fast as we can. We have picked up a set number of toys (like 10) and see who picked them up fastest. My kids share a room so I have them each start on one side and they pick up towards the middle. However, that usually has me sitting in the middle of the room working towards each one of them. I sometimes sit and pile what I can reach according to where it goes and they put it on the shelves.

If my kids ask, I tell them what they can do. If they want to help but its something they can't help me with, I will give them a wet rag and tell them to do a baseboard or wipe walls. They think they are doing a good job. It might not be the best job as I would do it, but they are still learning. I just go back over it when they are sleeping. We have a chore chart of what I expect them to do like make the bed, dirty laundry, clean laundry and bath, brush teeth. They made up little rewards, if they get so many stickers a week, like a special snuggle with me, or a drip to the Dollar Store (my kids are easy to please).

You've gotten lots of responsibility suggestions but not much on the self sufficiency. My 7 year old can make toasted cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven, reheat pizza, make a ham sandwich and will sometimes even do these things for his 5 year old sister. They both peel hard boiled eggs and make popcorn. As long as I have the fridge stocked with cheese, ham, eggs and fruit they can pretty much put together lunch. We talk about healthy choices and food groups and they do make good decisions about what to pick. Of course I often do the lunch making but they feel good about being able to feed themselves if I'm in the shower or out in the yard or something.

And here's a job no one has mentioned, they scrub the shower. I squirt a little cheap shampoo on a scrub brush and they go to town, really have a lot of fun with it.

I agree 12 is a bit old, but she does make some good points about modeling behavior. If they don't see you doing it without complaining and looking annoyed why should they. I am working on my self, so that I can than help my son. My 5yr olds chores include feeding the animals and "making" the bed as well as his personal hygiene(still working on that one). He will also get the mail and attempt to take the trash to the curb. Little ones enjoy being helpful and given jobs. We need to make it easier for them, not expect perfection(I'm still working on that one) and enjoy them!

N.:

Hello! I will assume that your husband is Active Duty or Reserves. In either case - thank you to both for your sacrifices and his service - very much appreciated!!

I have two boys, 9 and 7. This past weekend I showed my 9 year old how to fix scrambled eggs and bacon (the microwavable kind). They both have been able to make their own waffle and toast/english muffin since they were 5 (they do need help sometimes with the butter).

They help sort the laundry (colors, whites, linens). They can (somewhat) fold their own laundry. They strip their beds and make them too (not to my standards, but they are kids).

They must pick up their own toys. If they don't and I touch them (after a warning) they are mine.

I hope this helps you!!

Best regards,

Cheryl

hey there,

you've gotten some great responses, obviously. a lot of the suggestions generally echo something that a woman I know who teaches parenting classes once said: basically, a kid would rather help you than help him or herself. so (and you can see from the other responses), it's going to be much easier (and more fun and more fulfilling and more satisfying... and....) to get your kids to help set the table, put away the dishes, mop the kitchen floor, do the vacuuming.... than clean their own rooms.

so, pick your battles. if you want to create pride, independence and manual dexterity, focus on giving them the opportunity to help you and help the family. and then figure out ways to convince them that cleaning their own rooms IS helping you and the rest of the family. does that make sense?

ah, parenting..... it's all a big mind game.... ;)

and.... thank you for your service. it's a huge sacrifice.

My son is little so I don't have a lot of advice. I am a junior high teacher so the one thing I can say is that the more you give them now, the better it will be for you later. One thing we plan on doing with my son is making him be part of the tasks early on so that we can hand stuff over to him eventually. Maybe clean the room with them and then they will get how to do it on their own. By 7 I was helping my mom with dinner tasks like setting the table to some degree and for sure helping clean my room and put stuff away. Our goal is not to make our son the most independent person early but to have him help out and learn that families work together on stuff. By the time I get them in 7th grade, I can tell who has had chores at home and whose parents have done everything for them. I think giving them age appropriate jobs now will save your sanity and help them tremendously. Have them clean their rooms, help put clothes away, pull the blankets up on their beds, etc. It won't be perfect, but you will instill a sense of purpose and responsibility.

At 7 and 4 they are definitely old enough to learn how to clean their own rooms, even if they need a wee bit of help. My kids know they need to clean their rooms once a week. This is what it entails;
strip and remake your bed (this you will need to help them with)
pick up all toys and put them away (rubbermaids laid out on the floor for them to toss toys in is GREAT!)
put all dirty clothes in the laundry basket (make sure they have a big one in their room)
take all things off dressers and desks for dusting (the little one can dust, the big one take stuff off, you put the dusting spray on a rag and give it to her)
wipe down all mirrors (big sister would be better for this job, vinager/water is great for this because it is non-toxic)
vacuum (see if your older child can do this, if not you can)

Other jobs can include (older child oc, younger child yc);
OC help with loading and unloading the dishwasher
YC help set the table
YC feed any animals
OC get mail (if you have a mailbox close by)
both can gather all the trashcans in the house to be emptied in the big one to go to the street. OC can help bring big can in once it has been emptied.

It is important for children to pitch in, being in a family means working as a group. It also teaches them responsibility, good cleanliness and a sense of pride in what is theirs. Be aware that they might not work at the speed you want them to (I have to really grit my teeth on this one) or do as good a job as you might (more gritting :P) but we all learn by doing.
Make sure there are rewards as well as chores. "If we all get done our chores we get to watch X show! so hurry, hurry! If we all get done our rooms early enough there might be time to go out for icecream, hurry, hurry!"
It isn't easy but well worth it. =) My son (turned 23 today!) called me from chef school a few weeks ago. He was THE worst when it came to doing chores! He said, "Mom, now I know why you cranked on me all those years about being clean! The people at this school are slobs! I got really angry and was lecturing my peers on how important being clean was (sounding JUST LIKE YOU!) and didn't realize the head chef was behind me. When I was done chewing the people out I turned around and saw him there. He told the class that I was right! He then took me in his office and told me to be nicer next time...but that wasn't the point, the point was I learned your lesson finally! And not only that he said that I was doing a great job!"
HA! If that isn't validation I don't know what is. =)