Tantrums in a 17MO

Hi M.,
My daughter is 18 months and has been throwing tantrums for a couple of months. I just went to my 18 month appt. and my doctor told me that the terrible 2's really are at 18 months and this is as bad as it is going to get. It is all about frustration and not being able to communicate. I was told to just ride out the storm. Time outs in the crib are good too.

J.

My 19 month old daughter does the same thing. Yesterday I put her in a 1 1/2 minute time out. I think she is exhausted but I want to teach her this is not acceptable behavior. She did calm down after 2 timeouts ,ate her dinner then we had fun reading stories before bed. This has been going on for awhile and it just occured to me yesterday that by letting this behavior continue with no consequences was teaching her that it was ok.

I will let you know how it goes.

I do think that a full day of daycare wipes them out she is usually in bed within 1 hour of being home.

S.

As the mom of a 27 month old daughter I have definitely been there-I'm still dealing with it! I would suggest not putting her in her crib. That's a place you want them to be happy and comfortable. You don't want her associating punishment while being in her crib. My pedi told me when Gen was that age to put her down and say "Mommy and daddy are going to go play now-eat etc.-when you're all done why don't you join us?" and leave the room. It worked for my daughter. Mine also started banging her head against the floor around that time too. It sounds terrible but after going to her pedi he told me it's very normal. If she's going to hurt herself or others hold her in your arms until she calms down. It seems like forever but she WILL. I hope this helps.

I can totally relate-- although my kids arent in full-time daycare, they do go part-time. I have come to believe that they have to be on their best behavior while at school--ie-they must share, they must be cooperative, etc. So when they get home, they have had to "hold it together" for so long that they basically release all that they have held in all day. They may be tired, frustrated, hungry-- whatever-- and it all comes to the surface when they get home, because they feel safe and can "let it all out". As they get older, it may lessen a bit, but they always need to decompress in some way. So, if you can let them do that for 5-10 minutes when they get home, at least you understand what their little brains are going through-- Good luck!

I agree with Samantha F.'s advice. You cannot allow the behavior to continue with no consequences, even if she is tired. Although we believe in spanking, I have found that an already upset child just gets more upset when spanked, so when my son (now 2) throws a tantrum, we give him timeout in an old portacrib that he never liked or would sleep in--not his bed because I agree that bed should be a place they want to be in, not punishment. We tell him that he needs to stay there until he calms down, which is usually only a couple of minutes. If he starts back up, he goes back in, although this does not happen often. If this continues, we know he needs to go to bed early and will likely not stop until put to bed. Hopefully, this will help some.

I had a similar issue with my daughter who is 15 mos and it turned out to be she was getting a molar. She didnt want to eat or anything just was upset (and now obviously it was that she as in pain).

She actually got 3 teeth in around the same time.

I suggest letting her cry it out in a safe spot. Calmly tell her that you are all going to eat dinner now and when she is all done she can join you. After that don't give her any attention at all until she is all done and decides to join you. This works. I use it in my classroom with toddlers ages 15 months to 2 years old. This does different things. 1sr it lets her know that you are ok with her doing what she needs to do. 2nd You let her know you want her to join you when she is ready but don't desire to talk to her while she is angry. 3rd She'll see that you mean what you say. I guarantee in a short time her tantrums will get much shorter and even less of them. I have very few tantrums in my classroom.

If there is no change in her behavior at daycare (and verify this - be sure they are not just being nice and telling you there is no problem!), then it is probably a normal developmental stage of having trouble transitioning. My son always took a toy to school and back home, and even had to bring something from upstairs when he came down in the morning, and from downstairs when he went up for a nap. It wasn't always a toy -- sometimes it was a spoon or a coaster! I think it had to do with knowing he would come back to the place he was leaving. If calming down in the crib helps, keep doing it. Also, when you get home, are you and your husband rushing to get dinner and haul all the stuff in from the car? You know, coats off, diaper bag in the house, pocketbook and whatever groceries you picked up on the way home? I would be - it's natural! But maybe the hustle and bustle is too much for her. Try really hard to keep the frustration out of your voice - I know it's next to impossible after a long day at work, and of course you want every minute to be quality time. Maybe just say, "Okay, let's take a few minutes in your crib to say hello to your room." Then go back in 5-10 and say, "Let's say hello to the kitchen" or whatever - just some "down time" to help the transition. Hang in there!

Hi, Just wanted to let you know that I've been going through this lately with my daughter. I think the cause of my daughter's behavior has been the cutting of her molars...they have been slowly working their way in while we all suffer! Check her mouth just to see if that could be it. They are at the age where they are testing their boundaries, but screaming and such for long periods has to be caused by something.

My 2 yo daughter does the same thing! She is a doll at daycare but the evenings she cries and throws a fit about any little thing. Her 4yo brother seems to be able to handle things soooo much better. We spoke to the doc and he said it is because home is where they feel comfortable and can 'let go'. Unfort, it is just so stressful for us, esp after being at work and wanted to spend fun time in the evenings w the kids. Anyway, we do exactly what you do. If she is hysterical, put her in her bed until she calms down - I definately think it works but has taken many months for it to sink in - so stay patient. The other thing is to make sure she is getting enough sleep - playing all day can be exhausting.
We are in the same boat, and trying to make it all work as well!

Hi M.,

You could be dealing with one or more of several different things.
1. The first, and most obvious, being what you mentioned--she may just grow out of it. However, that doesn't give much comfort now.
2. She could be coming down with a cold or other virus and you are just seeing the cranky beginning.
3. She could be teething (if she doesn't have all of her molars--that can always be fun!). Sometimes kids hold off on (or can control) their poor behavior when in the care of others because they know what is expected of them and then they really let their parents have the show. Or she is simply distracted enough during that time, and when it is relax and be with family time, she feels comfortable enough to say, Oh yeah, my mouth hurts.
4. Something could be happening at daycare that is disturbing to her.
5. She certainly could be so hungry that by the time she sits down to eat she doesn't know what she wants and rejects food anyway.

But like I said at the beginning, it might not be anything, and you may just have to wait it out. Have you noticed any other changes? Is her diet the same? Activities the same? Really, think about her entire day/life to think of any possibility of change that could be throwing her for a loop--even the really small stuff.

Good luck!