Stopping the Same Fight over and over Again!

Just because he doesn't clean up to your standards doesn't mean that it's not a good standard. If he's helping around the house and doing a great job in other ways then you need to back off and appreciate what he does. When he does the dishes, thank him. That's all he's looking for.

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My aunt posted on Facebook this morning a very similar story to the one my father tells. I'll tell you both.

My father was doing laundry when my grandmother (his mother) called. It was 13 years ago today. She wanted to call and chat. This was something she never did. My father told her that he'd call her back in an hour or so. My mom called and said she'd be home shortly and my dad asked her why she hadn't done the dishes. They got in a huge fight over it. Dad went ahead and did the dishes (with my brother and I drying). When he was finished he decided it was too late to call grandma back.

My aunt was doing dishes and grandma called that night 13 years ago today. She told her that she was calling all her kids and grandbabies to say Merry Christmas and that she loves them all very much. Grandma told my aunt that she wishes could see my brother and I (the only grandkids not living near her) before Christmas. She missed us giving her sugar. (Her term for kisses!) She asked my aunt if she was busy. My aunt said today she almost told her yes, that she was doing dishes and she would see her in two days for their Christmas gathering. Instead my aunt so no, she wasn't doing anything important, only the dishes. Grandma told her that the dishes will be there tomorrow, but family might not be.

Grandma died the next morning. My father regrets that he didn't stop doing the damn laundry and talk to her.

My mother-in-law tells me all the time "I think it's great that you don't worry over the dishes and the laundry and all the house work...who knows when family will be taken from you and you'll wish you hadn't done them, but rather spent time with them."

So think next time you want to argue about the housework...he may not be here tomorrow, or the kids might be gone. Wouldn't you rather have that time with family?

**This is not to say that you shouldn't get it done...but don't obsess over it. It'll get done when it gets done.

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it's probably a little bit of both - you need to lighten up and he needs to help out a bit more. i suggest a chore chart. for the kids AND for mom and dad. good luck and merry christmas!

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It sounds as if you and your husband have forgotten you are now a team, and you're acting like opponents and competitors instead of team members.

In your post I'm hearing, "Look at me - look at what I'm doing - you're not appreciating me enough." And I'm hearing, "No, you're not appreciating me enough - you're putting me down instead. What's the matter with you?"

If he were not driving you crazy, what would you bend over backward to do to make him happy? If you were not driving him crazy, how would he bend over backward for you?

If it's just the house management that's the problem, talk together (!) about this possible solution:

Work out a reasonable standard of neatness: things not necessarily magazine-cover perfect, but in their places so everyone can feel comfortable. You know the old saying: clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy.

Look at the things you have and see if clutter is taking over (that's a sign that it's time to reduce the amount of things you can't live without).

Go through your procedures and his, and decide what will work best for the whole family, including the children. That means you will have to give a little, and so will he. Even if your system is perfect just as it is, your marriage is more important than your system.

THEN... adjust the budget to hire someone to come in and clean every week or two. It will be worthwhile (if you can swing it) just to ease the pressure on all of you; it'll seem easier to hang up clothes or do the dishes if you know the big-time cleaning is going to be done. And your home will be happier immediately without all that tension and resentment. That's worth the money in itself.

THEN... make it a family policy to notice what each member does that's right, that's good, and commend *out loud* for it every chance you have. Say "thank you" a whole lot! Say, "I like that" until you're feeling silly about it! And then say those things some more.

Just thoughts.

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This is something best addressed in the company of a 3rd party (counselor!)

You're stuck in a rut. It's a big deal to you; not a big deal to him.

Clearly whatever you're doing is not working.

The 3rd party input is *invaluable*. They are non judgmental, won't take sides, and call it like they see it!

He needs to be more sensitive to your feelings about it; you need to understand that he was brought up differently and it's genuinely unimportant to him.... not because he's trying to hurt your feelings, it's just his background.

Kind of like DNA; you can't change the color of your eyes because the other person finds the shade offensive, you know?

You've both broken an unspoken rule, without either of you knowing it. You assumed he shared the same interest's and principles, ergo, he values your home's cleanliness in the same regard as you.

He assumed you were more laid back about housework, like he is, more play and less work.

Neither party is 'wrong' or 'at fault'. You have to come to find some common ground and compromise... and the easiest, most painless way to get from point A to point B is seeking counseling.

You'll get there, both of you, with a little work from both sides!! :)

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I suggest you read Non-violent Communication. It's a way to talk with each other in such a way as to make conversations a matter of sharing information instead of criticizing. It takes into account our feelings. There is a web site which is a good way to get started. There is also a book. http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations

I, too, felt irritated and cranky because it felt like I was doing it all or at least most of it. What helped me let go of my anger was the realization that the reason I'm doing it is because I want it done. Others in my house don't care. I made the choice of having my home more organized and neater in appearance than my partner required and so it makes sense that I do the work.

He is literally doing the dishes for you. That is what we do for those we love. Do what they want us to do. It's a good thing. Be thankful that he loves you enough to do them.

Try praising what he does do. Praise goes a long way towards improving out performance. Recognize that he's doing things because you want them that way. It's a good thing.

It's mostly a matter of self-talk. When the negative thoughts come to mind replace them with a positive spin on the same thing.

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Sounds like you need to meet in the middle. Have a discussion and let him know that while you know he likes just the basics to be covered, you like everything done, so you know you both need to compromise. Establish what that would look like and see where you, he, and the kids can all chip in to make that happen. Also tell him that "so I don't get in trouble" may be meant in jest but hearing it all the time sounds more like a dig and ask if he would hold back on that sort of remark.

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Well, it sounds like you both have different ideas about what "clean" is, and how much time you want to spend on cleaning.

If you are a control freak that only wants it a certain way, then you're going to have to do it yourself.

If you are willing to compromise and just be happy that you have a man that will actually do the dishes, it'll be better for your marriage. Let him do the easier things & you take the time to do the more in depth cleaning that you want done.

Do you work? I know this is not a popular opinion, but if he works outside of the home full time, and you don't, I do think you should take on more of the domestic duties, which are part of being a homemaker.

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I've gotta go with Rachel D. on this one: a counselor can really help. Having someone who isn't taking sides, but who can validate everyone's feelings (because as they say "all feelings are okay, it's what we do with them that matters) is going to be important for both of you.

I know a lot of people might say "It's just how guys are" but it doesn't have to be that way. Added to that, you are aware that you have higher expectations than he does. It will be better for you two to figure out an arrangement which feels equitable and liveable to you both than to let bitterness seep into your relationship over the years to come. Consider it an investment in your relationship and a chance for peace in your home. If you and your husband can't come to an equitable solution on this, the kids will be affected too.

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I would tell you now that if you don't back off and allow people to "live" in their home they will not want to live there very long. If you are so OCD about every little thing then they will eventually build up huge huge huge amounts of resentment and seriously dislike you for it.

In my opinion if you want the house to look a certain way then it's up to you to do most of it.

It's that way at my house. I am the only one I want doing laundry because I want my clothes looking their best and NO ONE does laundry right. Therefore it is MY job and I don't ask anyone else to do it my way, if I want it done a certain way it is my choice to do that chore or allow them to do it their way and keep my mouth shut.

Even if any chore is halfheartedly done or not even done at all, it's their chore and not mine therefore none of my business how it's done unless I take it on to do myself. If I choose to do everything myself due to not liking how others do their responsibilities then I cannot complain about doing everything. It was my choice to do it myself. Otherwise I have to live with how they choose to do it.

So make a chore chart and as a family pick the chores you like the most first then take the others and divvy them up. Again, if they are not done or not done to your liking either take them over or let them go.

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I've been married for 8 years and cleaning has definitely been a fighting issue in our household...mainly one of the only issues.

I've learned over the last 8 years to give in a little and I think he's learned to clean on his own a little...but its been a struggle. And sometimes I still can't take it and let out my frustrations.

I read somewhere that when your doing something tedious that just irritates you, like picking up his dirty sock in the living room to go over at least 5-10 things he does that you like. I have a hard time doing this...but they say it helps.

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Hubby and I had this argument time and time again because we both have a different definition of a clean house. In his eyes - if there are dirty dishes, the floor is dirty, etc he will clean them or vacuum. He does not clean the bathroom just becuase it's been a week or mop the floors becuase he doesn't know when it was last done. For a while I was very meticulous with my housecleaning and would get upset because it seemed I would have to make a 'list' of things for him to do! So I sat him down and we both talked it out. Turns out we were raised very differently and think of a clean house as something different. So we both had to give a little. I stopped asking him for help and he started doing more on his own. Granted, he still doesnt clean the bathrooms or mop the floor...but since he's home with the kids during the week, the dishes are done, the floor is vacuumed, the laundry is done (or started) and the house is picked up. The rest I can handle!!!

maybe figure out a way for you to each have your own 'thing' you do. That way he will not feel like you are nagging him and you will not feel like you have to constantl ask/tell him what to do like a child with chores!

Good luck! PS: If his 'joking' really does hurt you and offend you, be honest and tell him.

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This blog will be able to help; this post in particular may be a good place to start: https://wwnh.wordpress.com/2011/08/11/1359-slob-preventio...

When he says he's doing the dishes as if he will get in trouble if he isnt, he is trying to make you feel guilty-sounds like my hubby! Dont feel guilty as you said it is his house, but be Very Nice. Say in a nice voice: You're doing the dishes, GREAT!