Step Daughter Bad Grades Need Help Schooling During Summer Out of Control PLEASE

"I will let you have 1 B maybe 2"

A.,

Not everyone will be able to live up to your standards. I truly believe that parents need to set the ground rules that the family lives by, but this child has been through the ringer. Help her get through the last six weeks of school. Find out from the teachers what is expected and check her homework.

Give her the summer OFF. Let her adjust to the stability of your home...(her NEW home). Take her to the library every week and help her to develop better reading skills. This will prepare her for a good start of the next school year.

Give her some household responsibilites and give her lots of love.

Blessings.....

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Sounds like the poor child has had some abandonment issues with her mom. I can only imagine how unstable and out of controll she feels being drug to dif schools and places to live.
This may be out of your controll as well. You should let her talk to a therapist. It can be very helpful in a situation like this. You did not cause the problem and she may feel like you can't fix it. Her grades at school show that she is hurting and needs attention. She is acting out. Not to say that her bad attitude is excusable, just saying there is a reason why she has a bad attitude. She needs patience, love, responsibilities, and fun in her life. And she needs to feel appreciated. When these needs are met I'm sure you will see a big change in her attitude, and grades as well.
Until then, I usually buy a work book from Barnes and Noble or Walmart for our kids to work on in the summer. They cost around $10. You could also check with a bible book store. They often have homeschooling materials.
I'm not sure about finding them online for free because I've never looked but I'm sure you will be able to find something affordable to help her.

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You are being very hard on her, and I understand that you want to set the bar high, but given the number of schools she has attended and by your own admission needs counseling, it may not be the time for punishment for poor grades.

The summer school you heard about is called Extended Year Services and these are usually offered to children who have IEP's for disablites and who will either regress without services or who are going to loose emergent skills without it. You would be in a very progressive district if they offered summer school to students to catch up, and that does not sound like an option.

You don't know what kind of gaps she has in grade level learning because of her constant moving, and if she has issues that have caused her mother to pass her on to you, she could very well have emotional or behavioral issues that interfere with the learning process.

Get a handle on her social, emotional, and behavioral status at home with counceling. As the councelor for a referal to have an educational evaluation with a neurpsycholgist, and write to the school and tell them that you want an educational evaluation to determine why she had such poor grades at the end of this year. The poor grades indicate an educational need for more support, and what you need to determine, is why.

Never know less than the school, so have your own evaluation on hand and know exactly what she needs before you jump in and try to teach her. If she has just fallen behind, that is a much different intervention than if she has an issue that needs more targetet intervention, like missing bits and peices of gramatical rules, if she skipped wholesale parts of subjects by moving. She could also have a learning disablity that was missed by everyone because she has had sporadic school continuity. You need to know before anything will be helpful. None of that has any impact on your probably accuracy about her capcity or capablity, but it has huge impact on what will be a successful intervention that leads to the kind of success you want for her.

Take a step back, and comfort her for a while, take the first steps toward helping her heal and get some data so that you are not stabbing in the dark and making things harder on you, and her both.

M.

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A few thoughts:

I worked for a few years with at-risk kids (broken homes, attitude problems, poor-to-failing grades, even brushes with the law) and have found what they respond to best – not a demand for excellent grades, but just knowing that some caring adult is cheering them on and happy when they find their way to trying harder and caring more about themselves.

Some of these kids I tutored were very bright, and might possibly have gotten A's, but they had so much working against them emotionally that they couldn't focus on academics. In fact, when too much is going on outside of school, school itself can seem pretty irrelevant. It's clear that you mean well and want the best for your step-daughter. And setting a goal of all A's (a goal she apparently had no say in establishing), would be extremely demotivating.

Please consider reading an absolutely brilliant and practical book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They explain why you can't talk a kid out of what they feel, but you can support them compassionately so they can deal with it. They teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way.

This child has some deep emotional pain and confusion that need your compassion. Please help her deal with that, and not drill her academically over the summer. Do let her know that her academic performance is important, but for HER, not for you, which is how it sounds right now. Then give her some space and support in finding how to address her own issues.

My best to you all.

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I agree with a lot of statements made here. The likely reason for her trouble in school is lack of consistency at home. Since she is with you for good now, make sure she has a routine for sleep/school/homework, etc. And stick with it. If you are able to get a private tutor, that's great, but she may very well do better just by living in a stable environment. Find out from her what subjects she feels best about and why she doesn't feel as good about others so you know her interests in school. Some parents pick one day a week in summer to work on the weak spots. She is about to enter teenage years and is being rebellious so give her options that you approve of and let her pick an option for how to get things done. When you have a child who is either struggling, getting into trouble, or rebelling, they often do at least 50% better when given more options. Reward her for the positive but don't draw a lot of attention to negative behavior. Good luck.

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I agree with Toni - the first answer.

I think you are being too tough on her.
She has been through alot and she needs love right now not a bunch of rules.

If the school is saying that she needs to redo the grade that she is in then do it. It is too late to try and fix her grades now.

My heart cries for her because i know that
the most important thing to a little girl is having a wonderful and loving M. that adores her and she doesn't have that.
So please, relax. Don't make her feel bad about her bad grades.
Next year she can start over.

Help her read and do math over the summer.
You didn't say what grade she is in, so I am thinking that she might be in 5th right now. ?

Try this company to see if they have anything that you can use, they have great stuff at a great price.

www.schoolzone.com

I think they have 5 th grade books, but I am not sure.
We really like the books that come with the software.

I wish you all the best.

PS
This is wonderful for helping children with their times tables.

http://www.twinsisters.com/onlinecatalog/songsthatteach/m...

We also have this one as well,

http://www.twinsisters.com/onlinecatalog/songsthatteach/m...

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I agree with another mother's post that perhaps your standards are too high. Did you receive only A's and are you extremely accomplished professionally? Given this poor girl's situation, I think all B's would be a major accomplishment. Let her adjust, find her footing, gain some security and confidence before you make her summer all about getting A's. I'm sure you mean well but if she can't do it, deep down she'll probably start wondering if you'll kick her out too. Just reading is a great idea. Not everyone is a straight A student in the best of circumstances and she certainly hasn't come close to that.

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other than the advice you have already recieved, have you considered the Big Sister program. It sounds like she is dealing with some issues and though counseling might be a good route for her she may benefit from feeling like she has someone to talk to that isn't so intimidating to her. Some children have a hard time in the begining talking to a therapist, while I know they are perfectly equipt to handel that trying someone that is more like a peer might benefit you all. Not to mention be a little easier on your finances. It just might be a good place to start and get her to open up and then go to therapy after that if she still needs it. i don't know of any free tutoring but you can sure find some low cost tutoring especially since there are so many students and teacher who will also be off school this summer as well. Check places like craigslist.com. Good luck and give the adjustment time you'll all get through it.

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Having an IEP gives you and school tools to diagnose and deal with anything they might find. The initial evaluation will show if and how much help she is in need of. It is not a bad thing to have and can only help. Until you know what you are dealing with anything you make her do may not to benitfit her at all. Call the school and see how soon they can start to evaluate her. This may take a while and you need to be ontop of that. In the meantime give her time to settle in and adjust, sounds like she has been through a lot already. I know you feel like you have to do something right now this minute to help. Let the school help as well.

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I know you want whats best for her and want her to do well in school - for her future. But dang, her mom just dumped her. Who knows what living in Florida was like. The Florida school very well may have not been at the same academic level and she had to switch schools with 6 weeks left of the school year. Super sucks big time and I'd have an attitude too. If you push assignments and school on her over the summer, I guarantee you a horrible summer with an already unhappy girl. You think her attitude is bad now? Give that poor child room to just be for the summer. Encourage reading some good books. Buy some workbooks and just give them to her and if she wants to work in them cool. I'd suggest a good camp program for her too. Can do wonders for her self-esteem. I highly recommend camp kupugani. Up in northern Illinois. The have a website. As for pushing the boundaries - sounds like pre-teen, teenager to me. She's only 11 there is lots of time for her to get herself together and it's not going to be easy on you or her or her dad - who strangely you didn't mention in your post at all. Maybe poppa needs to step up some more.

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It sounds like she needs the stability you can offer. Good for her. I'd focus on building her self esteem and encouraging responsibility and making learning FUN. Focus on rewards and encouragement - she's been through ALOT. Talk to her about what she thinks led to her grades and try to understand what is really going on - address that. Don't push too hard until you know what is driving her grades/behavior. You have a good relationship with her so maybe she'll talk to you. Don't back off on making her responsible for her actions/future, but make sure you are coming from a very supportive place. Tell her you are so happy she is with you, and plan some fun/educational trips for the summer, libraries, museums, road trips... good old fashioned bonding time. Good luck.

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It seems she never really gets to adjust to anything because it is always changing. Wow. Even though she has been with you every weekend and summer, she still has had a ton of changes. I know when my kids have big changes, there is an adjustment period. I don't know about homeschooling sites but I buy Bridge to 5th (or 6th, or whatever) grade books at the bookstore. It helps review and then learn some of the stuff for the next grade. They have from Kindergarten to first through at least 7th to 8th grades. I get my books at Borders. They have a great selection of books to work from. Another site I go to to print sheets is www.tlsbooks.com/mathsheets. They also have a link for english and other subjects. I have my kids work for at least 3o minutes on worksheets, then they have chores and 30 to 45 minutes of reading time. Maybe once you have her establiched, she will turn around.

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Baby steps.

How about a goal of "Do your best"." Lets see how much you can bring your grades up."

Our daughter always made good grades., but we never put grade pressure on her. We always told her we would help her in any way possible to do her best. If she got a low score, we would always ask, "Did you do your best?" If she said yes, we told her we knew she was disappointed, so what did she think would help for next time?

If she said, well I should have studied harder, we asked "so how can we help you with that.?". She was in control of making it happen, but knew we were there to support her.

For step daughter, I suggest you meet with all of her teachers and the school counselor.. Remember school counselors are mainly "academic counselors".. not therapist.. They will be able to guide you as to what daughter needs to work on this summer. I

If she can attend a summer school program, see if they will allow her to take one subject. This will ease her into a homework schedule and allow all of you to see what she knows and does not know.

Reading may be a huge weakness for her, so have her read to you , and you and your husband sometimes read to her. If you have problems with her listening to you guys, she may do better with a tutor. Like a high school student or college student.. It will give you a and her a break.

Do also have her see a therapist and I suggest you also set up family therapist. This poor dear has been neglected and needs to be able to share this in a safe place.

Please have patience. This is going to take a lot of time. She will thrive with rules that are enforced and consider for some of the rules she can help decide the rules themselves and consequences.. Once again, this will give her some power and some ownership.

Put aside any preconceived ideas you have and let this all happen organically and all about this young girl. SHE needs the help from you guys,. Not more stress and pressure.

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Ask her teachers for anything they can give you and go to mathcafe.com. They have free worksheets that you can customize and print. You can also go to the "teacher" stores and buy worksheets. They can be boring, but 15-20 a day will make the world of difference. Find out what books she likes and go to the libary with her and have the librarian suggest other books like that. REWARD her for completing worksheet that are 75% accurate and go to the library and let them help you with books. Rewards=tv,ice cream, games,computer time, etc. Never use the work as punishment, good luck!

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A.:

Find an older girl in the neighborhood help her, and make it fun. There are lots of things on line that can do this. I like some of the tools that they have at Sam's Club for learning.

What ever you do, find someone that will make it fun and exciting. Not hard, but fun!

Best of luck!

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This poor child is looking for consistency. I would suggest that you give her the summer to get stabilized in your home and let her enjoy the love of family. This is a new concept for her and when a person feels love and learns to love themselves then they can succeed a lot easier. I love my son tremendously and I want to see him succeed . He just went through a very traumatic ordeal and he had to learn to love himself. We are only part of the way there but he just finished his first year of high school and has nothing less then a C. I am so proud!! I gradually give him more and more responsibility for his own actions. This way he knows I am there to support him and not smother him. If he wants to play the X box then he has to earn the hours that he gets. He gets no hours for anything less then a C. I want him to learn to take responsibility for his own actions. Is your step daughter going into jr. high? That is a rough time in the life of a child and they need lots of love and consistency. She just got the consistency that she needs by moving into your home and you should start to see a difference. Love her and support her then let her show you what she is capable of. A's are great but remember C's are good.

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She misses her mother!!!!!! No punishment.Just support.and definatly consling...And let her and her father bond-she needs to no that he loves her,more than she needs to no that you do,more than just a weekend father,she needs to no that he wants her there...You sound like a great step mother but she needs to no shes wanted by her father..her father needs to be more involved with out you being in that to.im sorry if it sounds harsh or perhapes rude,thats not my intent.She just reminds me of myself. Once he shows her that he is proud to have her there full time her grades will begine to get better and so will her attitude.

I don't think I'd worry too much about the grades this year or getting her into schooling. I think you said you've had her over the summers for years so don't let this summer be different by adding the school work into the picture. It's got to be a difficult situation that her mom has given her up so try the counselling and just provide her with the consistancy she needs. The grades are likely a reflection of her testing your love since she was well aware of the expectations you had for her. Don't be discouraged! The punishment technique we've used with our son since he was that age is if he gets in trouble he has to read a book and write a paper on that book. I've also made him write essays on why what he did was wrong. In lieu of grounding or taking stuff away. Until he completes his work, he doesn't get to "play." It's a great technique.
As for next year and school, keep a close watch on her with her work by being in close communication with her teachers. If she sees your involvement she'll likely equate it to you actually care about what she does and therefore will likely perform. You've probably only have this one chance as school gets harder and harder and if she gets behind it's a complete spiral that she won't be able to get out of.
Good luck! Relax for now but be strict with her and all will be ok.
I think most catholic churches have a program for kids who have gone through divorce, death, etc. Getting involved in a church youth group could be fun and beneficial.

It took her 11 years to get to this place so it is going to take time for her to make changes. I would kinda agree with giving her the summer off to get used to the home, expectations and the structure of living with you, BUT I would keep her reading for sure and planning some real life things that can work her other skills so that she is not doing worksheets. Have her figure out a bill at a restaurant, clip coupons and have her help you shop and figure the bill for shopping, cook together and have her read and figure out measurements with a recipe, go to museums, conservation centers- there are many things that you can do to help her keep learning but also have a great summer

Maybe try finding a year round learning school. I have been attending an online school (Which is also a year round learning school) since my sophomore year, and am currently finishing up my senior year. It has really helped me academically and emotionally.

Your step daughter just went through a big change (Even though she is used to you, your house, and your rules it is still a big change to go from living with mom and moving every year to living with dad and staying in one place). She is just testing her boundaries and trying to figure things out.

A.,

Hi. I think it is great that you want so much to help your stepdaughter succeed. But I think maybe you are being a little harsh. I say this because your SD may be going through a really really hard time. You basically said her mother has given up on her and has dumped her. I can't imagine what your SD is feeling right now.

Like I said I think it is great that you want to be there for her and help her succeed, but she may need some time to just deal with her emotions. Chalk up this school year as over, maybe get her into reading for the summer and talk about the books, but don't push too much on the homework thing. Help her to make solid friendships for the next school year and even see about the family meeting with her teacher for next year as soon as you find out who that is. It is going to be a different experience for her to be in the same place. I think once she feels that she is a little more in control of her life the grades will go back up. Please don't take this as meaning that she shouldn't do her homework next year and that she shouldn't learn that there expectations that she do her best in school. But it sounds like she has had it rough and she may just need some time to try and heal just a little bit.

I hope that you all have a good summer and good luck.

Pushing a kid to learn is no way to help them learn anything! It just gets them to hate school. Or they learn how to memorize and take tests and they don't retain anything they learn. That's not useful.

I homeschool my stepdaughter and I've found that the best thing for her was what others have already said. A stable home environment and lots of love.

School is cumulative, so if she missed some concepts because she was absent or emotionally upset then she's going to fall behind and never catch up! So give her some time off before you dive into finding what it is she didn't get. Then do it with patience and love. See when she was last doing well in school, or the last thing she remembers and then review that to make sure there wasn't a concept she missed. You can move on until you master the basics.

We do Applied Scholastics Online which is a homeschool program. They do the testing to see where she is, then they give you the curriculum to use. All you do is help her with it. You have a certified teacher guiding you the whole way and who is available for anything you might need. They do an excellent job of finding what is missing! It costs us $40 a month for the service plus the curriculum (a lot of it we were able to download).

Otherwise there are lots of free homeschooling sites. But the best thing for her is let her know you love her.

check into sylavans learning center. they are not free and will see m expensive. they told me my son needed $5000 worth of tutoring but $500 made a huge diffrence. like an amazing diffrence. all the tutoring in the world isn't going to help unless you fill in the gaps.

I would agree that just asking for improvement is probably the best idea. I would suggest starting with education testing - ask the pediatrician for a recommendation and some insurances cover the cost. We had it done much later than 11 and really regret not doing it earlier.

I would recommend getting her a tutor. It takes the responsibility off your relationship with her which I would think is important right now for her self esteem. If you are close to Highland Park I have one I would recommend, so PM me if you are. If you can find someone to help her organize her school life and help her learn how to study it might make her more confident with school work.

Good luck!

hi its sounds like she is very lucky to have you. i would suggest getting a tutor. sometimes the school can offer one. if you cannot afford that i would check out the summer bridge activities workbooks. they are put out by carson dellosa and have each grade level activities to work on each day of the summer. there are also a lot of great web sites to help review academics. i would ask her teachers what they suggest you work on with her. most teachers are more than willing to give you a list of resources, even books or packets to help you get her caught up over the summer. also, look into your local library most have programs and teaching materials that you can check out. counseling will definitely help you get to the root of the problems. best of luck to you!

The poor kid!! Good thing your around to help her! My son reads all summer long. He also is a A student. I am like you very strict on homework. My son did test me and get a C+ last year. I am a big believer in consequences. Bad attitude you will lose a privilege or something you like to do. If you behave and respectful you get rewarded with being able to have privileges. She is going to have to get used to your rules. Everything I do, I do with a loving tone. I do not yell or belittle. I would show her what life will be like if she changes her attitude and behaves. Maybe she does need an IEP or just someone who cares if her work is done. It must have been hard for her to have so many schools. Hard because its not easy to make friends when moving so much. How horrible for her mom to just give up. She is in a much better place now. It might take a little getting used to for her. Love and patience Momma. Remember also she is a preteen!! Her hormones should be kicking in!! I wish you much luck!

PS......If she is flunking I really do not understand why she cannot go to summer school.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, so keep talking to her. It must be hard and painful for her to have moved so much and to have had her own mother say she can not deal with her anymore, must be so hurtful. So might not feel like she is worth anything or maybe she is suffering from depression. These things can strike at anytime. It is possible she might not be able to learn in the style of these teachers? I am a very visual learner myself and have a very hard time learning certain things.. I would also try and really spend some one on one time with her if you haven't already. GET TO KNOW HER. I know you have known her since she was a baby, however, she might not be sharing with you all that is going on.. Gain her trust and teach her that you are not going anywhere. I don't personally have a teenager yet, however, my mom was an alcoholic growing up and I so remember the loneliness I felt not having a mom around to be my mom. I always felt like I was the adult and she was the child..I don't know anything about the situation, but I do know that ALL of us will respond to someone who really and truely care and loves us. We just need to know how to connect with them.. Good luck and I hope things get better...

I think that doing worksheets over the summer is a good way to keep up with school work. However, in her current situation that may not be the best idea. You don't want to push too much, as this can cause lots of negative results.

Trying to keep learning fun is best. Help her with math by having her go shopping with you and comparing cost. Bake and use fractions. Go to a museum - science museums are so much fun.

Have her write in a journal. Not your typical "diary" stuff. When my daughter was in middle shcool, the teacher would give them a list of topics for the month and at least 2 days a week they had to choose a topic and write in their jounal. Some of the topics were similar to these, ten reasons why I didn't go my homework, if I had a million $$$ I would..., you can go anywhere in the US for a week with your family, where would you go what would you do, describe your bedroom.

As far as worksheets go, ask to have a conference with all her teachers and see what she's currently working on. Many teachers save extra copies of the worksheets and throw them in a bin. You may be able to get these. They may have an old text book to lend or give. If you have Ocean State Job Lot in your area, they have some good workbooks, you can also try the warehouse clubs.

Reading in so important. The school districts in our area are now requiring students to read specific books and complete worksheets on them over the summer. They are tested when they return to school. (yes, I have many issues with this) However, have her pick out what she wants to read. To help with writing skills, have her write a "report". Which can just be as simple was I liked/disliked this book because....

Good luck.