Step-son Does Not like Baby

the first thing i did was asked my step son if i could drop the "step" part.. cuz i don't like the idea of the separation that statement causes... will he refer to the baby as his half- sister? probably not. the other thing i've done is to make personal time for the boy, so i can bond with him,myself. not gonna pretend that is easy, but it's definatly worthit. "my boy" is a difficult child, also. i prayed hard, before i would go snatch him off of whatever he was doing..."please,God, give me whatever it is i need to connect with this child." R., you would not believe the things i figured out after a few times of doing this! i found out NO ONE has bonded with this boy... no one. this gave his father an idea to have some personal time, also. win, win, win.
now the baby will be a year on aug 1st. he loves her! of course, she's starting to look like her own person, instead of " just a baby"
one more thing i do is i always tell him that we miss him, dad talks about you all the time, when you're gone, i'll buy him a little something when he's gone and leave it on his bed. i think one of the most important things we've worked on, is making sure he knows he belongs hee. he has his own bed, i got a footlocker w/ a padlock (about 20 bucks) so HIS important things are still intact when he comes "home"
now about the you part, i understand. i hope you can take this as intended.. be the adult. i was the kid my step mom hated, and she made it very clear. now , obviously, that's not you. but what i mean is the little one feel those thing, even if they don't know what they are.
you've already shown how much you care by being here. God bless. M.

I am sure it will take some time, but get him involved with her, have him help you maybe bathe her and get stuff for you when you need it for the baby. Maybe sit down and have a talk with him to find out what is going on with him ask him about how he feels about his baby sister. He is old enough where he can tell you. Just a thought. Hope things work out for your family.

Meg's response was wonderful. Her stepson is blessed.

Your stepson is already separated from his dad and it sounds like from his other sister, so now there is another child for his dad to be with instead of him. I know you have mixed feelings about him and this is not a situation that most new moms have to deal with. But he is a child and I guess the best way I can come up with for you to relate to him is, treat him the way you would want your baby to be treated. Would you want her to have alone time with her Daddy and would you want a stepmom to welcome her into her home or avoid her and resent her. I find thinking this way puts things into perspective.
Please don't expect adult thing out of this boy. He can't do it. He is a little boy and everyone seems to be a part of the family expect him. You and your husband have your work cut out for you.

I would give it some time as far as him liking the baby. Once the baby is a little older and so he can play with her, he will warm up more. As far as your attitude, you need to be understanding of his feelings. It must be hard for him to adjust since he doesn't get to see his Dad very often. Try to look at things from his perspective and love him for who he is. If it is hard for him to make friends, then it is not going to be easy for him to warm up to you or his sister when he only sees you occasionally. Just keep trying to break through that ice.

There are a couple things.
first, i completely agree and would also recommend Gale's advise. Let him do some things with his little sister. Also, when you talk to him about the baby, maybe emphasize the "your sister" part. Ask him, for instance, "Can you please get your baby sister's blanket or bottle?" This will make him feel more connected to her.
Since he lives so far away and doesn't get that much time with you, I am sure he feels a little left out and a bit of an outsider. That is a lot for a 7 y-o little boy to handle, and he is handling it in the only way he knows how.
I would suggest going to the pool and getting a babysitter for the baby. that way it is just you two and you will have that chance to bond. You also, might be able to ask him what HE thinks HE could help with around the house, and with HIS baby sister. Good Luck

Also, empathise with him. Let him know babies do cry a lot and need a LOT of attention, but these are things he could help you out with. If he hears her crying, he could give her the binky or bottle, play with her, etc. He may not know how to cope with baby siblings, but thats were you come in to teach him how.

I have a little brother who I am VERY close with. He is 7 now, and my daughter is 3. We went through this, but now they are inseprable!

I can't personally relate to your story but I have a 9 year old step son so I can relate to some of the feelings you have. So, this is really not advice but more just words of encouragement. Step children are wonderful and bring a lot of good into your life but sometimes I get frustrated when mine doesn't realize the sacrifices I've made for him. His biological mom gets most of the love and affection. But he has come a long way and hopefully the same will happen with your stepson and new baby. He just may need some time to adjust. Hang in there!

This little boy visits his father and watches him raise a whole new family while he only gets to visit from time to time. How can you be mad at your step son when this is a situation you and your husband created. Yeah.. I think I'd be upset if a new baby got to live with my daddy while I only go to visit. Think about how hard this is on the poor step son... the adults in his life created this. Now here we are and it is what it is... I would get ALL of you into FAMILY counseling pronto... don't put blame on the step son.. go into counseling as a family and treat it as a family issue, not the stepson's problem. I have to somewhat laugh that everyone thinks it's the step son who has the problem.... he's reacting to a situation in which he had absolutely no say so in.

Good Morning R., I understand your concern I was a s kid too several times.(Well Twice)..lol Your young man was around 2-3 when you came into his life. I can imagine you had as close bond when he was little. Being so far away though it wasn't easy for either of you. If you think about it You love that little guy just like your own. Your not a horrible mom either for being concerned. He had your attention for a few years before your little girl came into the family, that can really cause jealousy. Do you have any type of relationship with his mother? Can you talk to her and see if she can get him to talk about it? Or get his dad to talk to him.

As far as him not caring HE does care R., it's his way of protecting himself from being left out or hurt.
When I was little my dad wasn't that great on being on time to pick me up on the weekends. ( I didn't know him until i was 5, he went to service & Germany right after divorce)
Mom had remarried before I was about 3 1/2. They had 2 kids, I have a Half brother 4 yrs younger and a sister 10 yrs younger. My Step dad was wonderful, hard working, caring. He never one time spanked me ( I probably needed it a lot) lol
He would hold me and talk to me. They divorced when I was 13, bro 10, sis 3. I never got to go with them ever again to see my cousins, aunts & uncles, grandma I dearly loved. Mom said I didn't belong to that family. :(
That's when I started saying I didn't care anymore. They could go to the park, zoo, circus, or to see all the people I loved so much. I didn't need to go to those places. In reality I was hurting so bad inside I thought I wanted to just run away and not belong to anyone. What I didn't know at the time was my mom had refused to let my step dad see me or take me with them ( mom wasn't a very nice mom sometimes)Even though he raised me from age 3 she said I wasn't his daughter and he had no business being a dad to me.

I could share more but it's beside the point here. He does care R., you just need to try and get him to share with you why he seems to not care about anything. He might be being told ( by mom )you have your own child now and he isn't important to you. We try not to be hurt by saying we don't care. So we basically hurt ourselves first before others can disappoint us or be left out.

Just don't let his attitude right now get you down. He is dieing inside to feel like he is important and belongs.

I will be praying for you R., and your young man. It's very hard to be a kid that goes from one home to another, trying to fit in.
And by all means Take your son swimming, if you can find a sitter for your baby go just the two of you.

God Will bless your efforts!!
K.
"If God brought you to it, He will see you Through it"

You've gotten wonderful responses, especially from Meg and Karen. There are so many challenges to combined families.
Continue to give him love and lots of time.
Likely he will adjust with time and exposure.
It may be a good idea for you and your husband to consider talking to his mom and her significant other if there is one. His problem sounds like it's deeper than not liking the baby. Maybe a phase. How long has he "not wanted" friends?
Do not stop trying with the kid. I was never a step, but had a younger sib with about an 8 year age difference. A baby can take a lot away from a kid that age because the baby is too young to go to places they may like, not to mention all the attention lavished on the baby, even by total strangers. Added that to only getting to visit your part of the family occasionally could really bring him down. You may want to consider some activities geared towards him, where you send the other kids to the sitter and take him to do something he wants. Or even let him and your hubby have some father/son time. Balance all this with activities with the girls because he needs to know he's part of their family, too. Does he like video games and stuff enough to do like a Chuck E Cheese type place, which would work for the younger kids as well.
It's lots of work just dealing with three kids. Add age differences and part time visits, it can be real hard to pay attention to both the individual and the family as a whole.
Hang in there.

If he has not been around many babies he may find their drooling, crying, bathroom habits, etc. just plain gross & does not want to be around it. He may be a bit jealous. He may not see why you all think all of the things he finds gross are so cuuute. Do you find one on one time to have with him still? He may resent the fact the baby is there full time and he is only there part time since it sounds like you had a good relationship. Please don't stop doing nice things for this kid, he can't help the way he feels or what he is going through. That would make things worse and you are an adult & need to be compassionate. I know it's disappointing when everyone is not as thrilled about your little bundle as you. People assume when they have a baby that it is the most spectacular thing in the world to everyone involved and that isn't always so. My children are half brothers and my oldest still resents the younger (they're both my own, try that LOL) Patience and understanding & one on one time is the only way to help this. Make sure dad is spending enough one on one time also and try not to make goo goo eyes at everything the baby does, although they can be quite cute & amusing. You have to let his feelings grow you can't force hin to feel somthing he doesn't.

Unfortunately no matter what you do there will be some conflict. Divorce just stinks for kids. And this is just one more thing thrown in the pit.

I married a guy who had two kids. And then I had children. My step son was 8 when my first was born. We took them to the hospital for the birth. (not to wait around but right afterward) They all love each other but my children were raised totally different than the other two. Unfortunately we had rules at our house so they quit coming to stay with us when the oldest was 12. Everything is fine now.

But my wish for you is that you would look at your step son with his eyes. And realize how difficult this is. He sees you act different with your baby. It just makes the gap wider. You my dear have to do the loving. And when you have given all you can and he does not respond... You give more. Just love him. Kids are smart they know what we think. Change your mind.

Each person can choose to Love or not.

God Bless

Let me start by saying that I am not a step parent so I cannot fully relate to your situation. But I would like to offer some advice that might be hard to see since you are in the situation. You are the adult and therefore understand a lot more than your 8 yr old stepson. You must try to remember this when dealing with them and love him despite his attitude as you would love your own child. I do have a BF that has 3 stepchildren and know what a struggle it can be for her so I do sympathize with your situation. Just try to remember that you are the grown up and can help him with the way you treat him when he's around. Good luck.

I can understand your feelings. I have 3 step-sons (now 15, 11 and 9) that I have been with for 7 years. The youngest has a different mom and we have very different ideas on raising a child. So, needless to say we have had quite the attitude when he is at our house every week and every other weekend. When we had our daughter (now 3) they were excited, but still complain b/c their activities with us depend on what she can and can't go do if there is only one of us available. There are times I just can't stand him (and sometimes the other 2), but like you...want all 4 to love each other and be a family. Something that has helped me most recently is a book by Becky Bailey call "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline". It is based on the idea of conscious discipline understanding how children's brains work and why they act the way they do. It has coached me on how to respond to behavior and better understand the kids without getting defensive or reacting to their behavior and instead using it as a learning experience. It has helped me to be able to talk to the boys when they are rude or act out.

Another similarity is that my youngest SS was kept from my husband for the first 3-4 years mostly. He could come visit as long as my husband did as she wanted and as long as I wasn't around or she could stay too. His mom was very controlling, possessive and DID NOT hide any emotions toward his dad what so ever!! She always played her as the one who loved him and his dad as the one who didn't want him around (when she actually made those decisions). As he has gotten older, we can see less of a bond with his dad and great dependancy on his mom. Therefore when we had our daughter, he didn't want to come over as often. We guessed it had to do with our daughter having both parent's and she was "our" child (although we NEVER did anything but try to include the boys as much as possible). Sorry this is so long, but I can really relate and it is tough to have those feelings towards your step children.