Son Refuses to Sleep

L. - I too had trouble getting my son to sleep and when the second one came along, I had 2 to deal with. I hated hearing them cry and against all recommendations to let them cry I did the opposite. I laid with both of my children until they were about 15 or 16. I know you probably gasp at the thought. But may I tell you that I have built a relationship with my children like no other. We are very close and my children tell me everything. When they lay down to go to sleep their little minds start moving and they just seem to open up and tell you about their day. I don't regret laying with my children. They are now 17 and 21 and are very respectful fun to be around young men. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

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My advice to you is to think of something positive that you can offer him and make a chart. Give him a sticker every time he goes to bed without problems and when he gets five stickers, promise him something as a reward. You may also want to explain to him that his bedtime ritual is going to change and you are going to read one book, his choice, and then it is bedtime. If he stays in his bed and goes to sleep, he gets a sticker. The rewards don't have to be expensive, just something that will motivate him. My daughters both fell asleep to music; that may be another option.

Hello - when you took away his pacifier did you replace it with anything? Try getting him a favorite stuff toy to take to bed with him. Another thing that has helped my children is having a night-time routine. Where you get a snack, have a drink and then read him a book before bed. I think it may take crying it out, but go in and reassure him that you are still there, just don't pick him up. Maybe touch his head or back, but don't talk to him or pick him up. He will know that you are still there, but that he can't get out of bed. It may take about a week of him crying and then he will learn to fall asleep on his own. Unfortunately, this is probably your best bet. Try it over the weekend, that way if he does cry for a few hours, it doesn't affect you having to get up to go to work. I have three teenagers, and the first two went through this, by the third one, we knew how to help him. Hope this helps.

Cry it out would never have worked for our son either. It's a personality thing in my opinion. He was always hard to get down and always hated his crib. If he woke up and bumped into the rails, he'd freak out.

SO...we were where he'd only fall asleep with us in our bed where it's all soft and pillowy, no railings to bump into. He slept with us for some time and that got him to where he was sleeping great. But it got hard on us due to his tossing and rolling around. so we moved him to a "big boy bed" still in our room but on the floor next to our bed. It's been AWESOME. he sleeps there for almost 11 hours every night.

Also, it is harder to get an OVER tired child to sleep. I don't think cutting out naps will help if it causes him to become so overtired. i read somewhere that the overtiredness causes a rush of adrenaline and heightened awareness. If he's getting that upset, i'd say just hug him and lay with him, read books, I'm even guilty of letting my son watch thomas the train on tv at bedtime, so he'll chill out and relax. I'll "yawn" a lot which causes him to yawn, and tell him "mommy's very sleepy, aren't you?"

The best thing, in my opinion, about their age now is he now understands so much more, so when we've had a tough time getting him down, we say "It's time for night night, you are VERY TIRED and when you're VERY tired, sleep makes you feel better, time for sleeping!" and usually he'll get it, and then give up on fighting sleep, roll over and go out.

Give him back the pacifier.especially if he slept before you took it from him. Telling him it is only for bed time.That he can only have it when he is in his room. Some children need that sucking to relax and sooth them. If the pacifier is not the problem then about 2 hours before bed time start with some calming activities like reading a book or doing a puzzles. A nice warm bath and PJ's maybe a sugarless snack. giving him a chance to unwind from the day. make sure he is not eating a lot of sugary stuff through out the day. The last activity for the day is brushing his teeth and then putting him to bed. explaining the system as you go along after about a month of doing this it will become second nature to him and it wont take as long. make sure he has a favorite stuffed animal or blanket or something on those lines that he can cuddle with. Hope something here will helps.

When our daughter was around 2,prior to sleep issues developing, we made a big deal out of shopping for a special small one person tent and a very special sleeping bag...which appealed to her. We allowed her to pick one night each week....night changed from week to week and you may need to allow several nights at first and then slowly eliminate all but one night after a few weeks or months since you are in sleep crisis mode....that one night would be the special camping out in our room night. It would only happen if on all other nights after our special story time she slept in her own bed without a fuss. It might be worth a try.....giving 2 year olds some control often helps and he may be feeling a bit left out with fiancee in your room.

L.,

It is so hard! And there are so many "answers" out there... let me suggest one more (esp. if you look at the "Healthy Sleep Habits" book and don't like it (as I did). Personally, I think letting your child cry until they vomit is cruel, but everyone has to deal in their own way. Anyway, try "No-Cry Sleep Solution" or something like that. Author is E. Pantley. It is a middle ground between "cry it out" and "live with it."

Just before my son's 2nd birthday, he started refusing to go to sleep. People told me the same thing: "Just let him cry and eventually he'll get tired and go to sleep." I could just tell by his screaming that he wouldn't go to sleep. So I would go in and sit with him until he finally dozed off, but I knew that I couldn't keep doing that.
What finally worked for me was to put him in bed, leave his room (with the gate in the doorway), and let him cry for 5 minutes. Then I would walk to his door, point to his bed, and firmly tell him "Go to bed." (No hugs/kisses/pats on the head/etc.) It actually worked! He walked back to his bed and laid down. Sometimes I had to do it multiple times per night, but that got better. Eventually I could stand at the stairs where I could see him looking over the gate and crying, point, and say "go to bed." Slowly I had to do it less and less. Now he goes down much easier.
I don't know why it worked or what caused the problem to begin with. I don't know that this works for every child. Maybe this or some version of it will work for you. (My pediatrician told me to stand at the stairs, never go to his doorway, but that wasn't working in the beginning. So I modified it to fit our situation.)

I know what that's like. After 8 years of difficult nights, my son's pediatrician suggested melatonin, just 1 mg at bedtime. It's a chewable pill and it tastes good. The same small dose still works and my son is 12 now. It has greatly improved all of our lives with no side effects. Be sure to ask your doctor what a safe dose would be. (10 mg seems very high to me.) Hang in there!

I totally agree with your fiance. Let him scream it out. He is playing you like a fiddle. I have two little girls and they have tried this sort of nonsense a few times. He is old enough to understand completely that this is unacceptable behavior. Explain to him firmly what is expected of him when he goes into his room for sleeping. Then tell him how much you love him, kiss him, hug him and say goodnight and DO not go back in that room. Do the same thing every night. Do NOT break down and go in. Kids can make themselves have fevers even from tantrums, and still wont quit, but if you are firm, and very clear every night about what is expected, he will come around. But if you give in... even once, every time you do it will take you 10 steps backwards.

Try giving him the pacifier back! If he used to sleep when he had it...that may solve your problem immediately. He will pretty soon give it up on his own...I learned we moms have to pick our battles! I have a 10 and a 7 years old. My daugher carried her blanky around until she was about 6 and my son refuses to wear a coat since he was about 2...They are great students and great kids. Sometimes, we need to let them have it their way!! Good luck!

Hi L.,
my name is K. , i have 3 children--neither one of boys fall asleep easily. my first was a mamas boy and he just enjoys being near me my other is very strong willed and just plain old stubborn,you will know by age 3 if your child is strong willed. those strong willed children are very smart and know your emotional weakness. in my opinion you have to let him cry it out , that is if your a hundred percent sure he is healthy and has eaten enough protein before he has retired for the evening. the advice i give to you is not knowledge that i had for my first son after seeing my second boy was taking the same route i quickly began my research and now thankfully we are rested
ps your timing of getting rid of the pacifier id right , this is about the age that children are comparing themselves to other children , if you give the pacifier back two things may happen ,the first is you have let him know that he is in control and that screaming can get him what he wants if he continues with it long enough. again in my opinion if you tell him and show him he is loved and that it will be ok and remain consistent you will have sleep.

i would call your dr..it could be he can not relax enough to sleep could be anxiety..probably with a drs help it will be an easy fix T.

Is there some other way to soothe him that will replace the pacifier? Do you have an evening routine for his bed time? Why did the napping get cut out?

When we were having trouble with our son, we realized that more sleep during the day (at an appropriate nap time) made him sleep better at night. He also does MUCH better when we have a routine at night. Early-ish dinner, playtime (pretty physical playtime outside or otherwise), snack, bathtime, read 3 books in bed, sleep. He has wanted us to lay with him until he goes to sleep lately, which we are fine with, he is only a little one once. I am sure we could find some other way to soothe him without that though. Screaming for 4 hours seems like a bigger issue though, I would talk to my ped.

Perhaps your son wasn't ready to give up the pacifier. My daughter didn't use pacifiers, but she liked to suck on bottle nipples. We lived with my grandmother who insisted that she didn't need them anymore at the age of 4 so she took them from her. Well, my daughter wasn't happy. I was a single mom at the time and she needed as much normalcy as she could get. Having her nipples (one for her mouth, one for each hand) was comforting for her. So, I kept some in our bedrooms for night time. When she took her nap during the day, she wasn't allowed to have them, but she knew she could have them at bed time. Also, I kept some at my then-boyfriend's house (we would stay with him on weekends) and when we would get there on Friday evenings, she'd run right to the drawer where we kept them and she would pop one in her mouth and get this look of pure heaven on her face. When she turned five, she decided that she was ready to give them up, so SHE threw them away. That's how I knew she was ready to give them up. And there were no problems after that.

This is absolutely uncanny that you posted your concern today. My daughter is 10 months and we just went through the same situation of all of the sudden trying to break her of going to sleep with one of us to going to sleep on her own. Which created a miserable hoarse little girl and miserable disconnected parents. My husband and I went back to trusting our instincts and got a lot of good advice and encouragement from the information posted on www.askdrsears.com My father, a child psychologist also gave me some great advice: Stop asking whats wrong with the child and start asking what can I do to help my child.
If your child needs you to lie down with him, meet his needs. Avoiding/ignoring a need now will only crop up later. The dr.sears site, as well as attachment parenting internationals site will give you some good research and info to share with your fiance as to why cio can be a dangerous short term solution for your family.
Once our family went back to doing what had already been working..lying down with Claire, rocking to sleep etc. she slept fine. Another good resource is the book "no cry sleep solution for toddlers."
Happy sleeping!
Peace,
S.

I am a mother of two...4 year old girl, 15 month old boy. I too also had issues with my daughter sleeping. My husband, who also is very supportive doesn't do bedtime with her, he takes care of the 15 month old, which basically consists of changing, bottle, and laying him in the crib (go figure). He falls asleep on his own with no problems. I have to sleep in bed with my daughter on a nightly basis, however, since I started playing the princess game with her she falls asleep first...and for the most part on her own. I still read to her (2 books, 3 max.) every night and then lay with her until she falls asleep. The game we play is whoever falls asleep first is the princess. Ever since we traveled to Disney in October (going back in June)she loves the princesses. I started doing this with her in November and it has been a great success. She immediately closes her eyes after books are read and tells me what princess she is going to be, she of course asks me and I usually respond by saying, "I think you are going to be the princess tonight." Life is easier now since we seem to have a better routine. She still loves me to read and now knows the boundaries of bedtime. Perhaps you too could think of some little game to play. Good luck....I remember those many sleepless nights.
J.

Hi L.,
I have a son who has always been a difficult sleeper. I tried a sticker chart. Each night he would stay in his bed and be very quiet, he got a sticker in the morning. At first he got a reward for each sticker (like a small toy or a trip somewhere fun). Then it would take two stickers, then three etc. He didn't always fall asleep right away, but he was quiet and eventually he did fall asleep on his own. It worked really well for us. Good luck.

I would try the method that Super Nanny uses. I use it on my daughter and, while her sleep situation wasn't as extreme as your son's, it worked well. (And it seems to always on the show, but that's TV) Basically, you get him into a routine and a set bedtime so he will know what's coming. After he gets up the first time (or starts to cry), you go in and tell him it's bedtime and lay him back down. The next time, say even less and lay him down again. After that, say nothing. Do not talk to him or reward him with any attention. It will be awful the first night, but will ge easier each night. Super Nanny has a book out which is great and I'm sure describes better than I do, or watch the show! Hope it helps.

In my expience, even though it will be quite difficult you must let your son cry as long as nothing is wrong with him. Go into the room about every 15-20 minutes to reassure him and very calmly look at him and tell him everything is alright and it is time to go to sleep, then leave immediately closing the door behind you. You will find that the length of time he cries will decrease each night and eventually he will not cry at all.

Hi. I sympathize with you. I have worked very very hard to "create" a good sleeper. My son will be two this summer and sleep habits have always been high on my list. Step # 1 = PURCHASE THE BOOK...HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS, HAPPY CHILD. This book has kept helped me more than words can say. There is nothing better than a well rested child...and parents. My son was not a good sleeper at all and in fact still resorts to his "old" ways...but I was referred to this book and I followed it to the letter because I knew several of my friends that used it. This book will "teach" you and your child. I occasionally need to "sleep train" my son because he has either been sick or is changing his sleep habits and we get a bit of course. But, by night three of another mini sleep training he is back on track...bed at 8pm sleeps all night until 8 am...with a three hours nap in the afternoon. Good luck...BUY THE BOOK! FOLLOW IT EVEN IF IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE...IT'S WORTH IT!

I know you have to be desperate for sleep. Without it, life can be so daunting. With it, things seem to be so much brighter and easier. What time do you put him to bed? I know that with my girls, an early bedtime (8ish) seems to be key. Any later can result in nighttime issues from being overly tired. And missing naps can do that too. If your son isn't getting 11-12 hours at night, he probably still needs a nap. His main issues probably stem from being overly tired, is my guess. And he is at an age where he knows how to manipulate you now too. He knows you will come to him at night. I hate to give info from SuperNanny, but they seem to have great success on that show with bedtime issues. The key is to show you are in control. Put him to bed (at a reasonable time). If he cries and gets out of bed, put him back into bed (without speaking to him). Continue to do that until he gets the point. It may last all night for several nights. He will know you are serious, though. It will be worth it in the end. Sleep is so important for everyone in the house! Good Luck...

Hi L.,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time getting your son to sleep. You can try the "No Cry Sleep Solution" - I think it is mostly for babies - but has some good principles for older children too. Is there something that has changed recently that is making him do this? I think cutting out the nap probably makes it worse. I would say if he will take a nap, then let him, because he needs to get some sleep. Try to figure out what changed in your routine (other than the pacifier) that has made him not want to go to bed.

Good luck!

J.

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When my daughter was little, she used to get afraid a lot and have trouble sleeping at night. After many of these terrible nights, we finally laid a little bedroll (pillow, some blankets) next to our bed. When she came in at night, I gave her a hug and told her to lie down. It worked like a charm. We didn't have to get out of bed, she didn't come in fifteen times during the night and keep waking us up, and eventually, when whatever was bothering her passed, she came in less and less - until she didn't need it anymore. I think when they know that they have some access to you, it helps a lot. By the way, we always started her in her own bed, so she knew that our bedroom was not her bedroom. Hope you guys get some sleep soon.

Hi L.,

My son was just nearly two when I went through all of this and my doctor asked me; when you go into his room are you feeding him, my answer was no ... are you changing him, my answer was no... so are you saving his life! again my answer was no. He told me to just let him cry. It will not hurt him, but he needs to understand that you mean "go to sleep and I am not coming again till the morning". We did this for three nights and it worked for us!

You can always try and bribe him with something he really wants. But tell him to sleep through for atleast Monday to Friday. OR/ You can use Child'sName$$$$ and pay him every morning if he did it. Then when he has enough do something fun with YOU!

Hi L.,
I'm sure you are at the end of your rope! Make sure to do the same bedtime routine each night..like a nice bath, a snack with some milk, maybe one favorite show and then off to brush teeth then bed. Explain to him that everyone in the house sleeps in their own bed. Maybe play some soft music for him on a CD player and make sure he has a small nite light. Put him in his bed. "Cry it out" for 2 hours is not the way to go! If he cries, go in every 10-15 minutes and reassure him, but then keep leaving. He is now training you to come in and lie down with him because that's what he wants you to do. Take the control back. It will be several nights of anguish, but he will get it eventually. Also, make sure he is going to bed early enough--I find that when my son is OVER tired, it's actually harder for him to relax and get to sleep. Maybe he still needs a nap each day. he should be getting 12-14 hours of sleep each day total, so if he's getting up early, he may NEED the nap still.
Not sure why you had to move the dresser out of his room--was he being destructive? If you secure the dresser to the wall with the appropriate safety straps, that may take care of that problem. Good luck to you and remember--kids REALLY pick up on your stress--if you are feeling scared about this happening every night--he probably senses that. Be firm and authoritative but be patient. Have you tried asking him what the problem is? At 3, he may be able to express his feeling to you and it may give you an insight on what else you can do. Hope this helps.

Hi, I think he could possibly be OVER tired when you put him down to go to sleep. I would try putting him to bed when he is in a good mood. Preferably after a story and/or a bath.

L.,

First of all, why did you take all his furniture, etc. out of his room? Where is his bedroom located (near your bedroom? near the living room?). Did he sleep when he had his pacifier?

Regards,
C.

Okay, I may spark some tempers but I think CIO is cruel. We only have care of our little one's for such a short time, why make it a time when we're trying to get them to do everything on their own as early and as fast as possible?! Anyway, you and he both need sleep. I went through some serious "sleep training" with my son (now 27mo), it took about 6-7mo but now he goes to sleep on his own. I suggest finding an animal/blanket that he is slightly partial too and making that a bedtime cuddly thing. My son changes his all the time, but they don't leave his bed. This is what I did and it may go faster with your son since he's older but with mine it was a pretty slow process because I wanted to do it without making him get upset. I continued my normal routine (laying down with him) but did not touch him or talk to him. After he was obviously used to it (fell asleep fast, didn't protest) I sat on the edge of his bed (continue the not talking, no touching). Then I sat on the floor a few feet from his bed, then a rocking chair in the corner of the room, then next to the door, then just outside the door, then in my room (next to his), and finally I told him I would be downstairs. Through this time if he protested or goofed off I would tell him that it's time to go to sleep and that I would leave if he didn't. Sometimes it took just a few days for him to get used to the spot and sometimes it took a couple of weeks. BUT aside from protesting/goofing off, it was pleasant but long. It required a lot of my time and patience but I'm really glad I did it this way because I know I still have his trust. Now he goes to sleep on his own every night. I sing him 2 songs (I limit it so he doesn't keep requesting more) after we read books and pray with daddy. So he always gets just a little bit more mommy time. After the songs, he lays down, I tuck him in and give him a kiss... and leave. Good luck. Just remember that he loves you, that's why he's doing this. He's not doing this out of spite.

Hi L.,

So, have you noticed a direct correlation between the pacifier and his sleep then? I would give the pacifier back but, ONLY FOR BED TIME.

I remember now when all the children (I have 3 teenagers) hit 2 the pacifiers were for sleeping only - naps, and night time. I'm thinking when they were in their 3's they just were done with it. I wouldn't fret over the whole pacifier thing - He won't go to school with it.

You all need your sleep! Rather a pacifier than your bodies as a pacifier .. you know?

good luck,

C.

Everything I have ever read about children with sleep problems says do not cut out naps. Sleep deprivation causes very cranky babies who are so tired that they are unable to control their emotions. My first advie to you would be to get him napping again....then research the many different sleep solutions out there.

Best of luck!

Hello!! I have a 3 year old that went through the same thing just a month after her 3rd birthday. I thought it was just because she was a girl and being difficult. My mother and I decorated her room like she wanted it----a princess castle. She got a twin bed with new bedding. These are things she said she wanted when I talked to her. I bribed her....if I redid her room she had to sleep in it without crying.
Well, it didn't work. Now we eat dinner at 5pm, then if it's nice outside she goes outside with her older brother and plays basketball, golf or soccer. Then bath between 6:30-7pm, followed by 2-3 books in there room in bed. Our son is 8 and they're both asleep by 8 or 8:30........of course she doesn't get up until 7 or 8 the next morning and he's up at 6am for schoo.
So......after all this, the goal is a schedule not bribery.
You also need to replace the pacifier with something like a blanket or stuffed animal. That's what I did with my son.

Oh, I feel your pain! I am so sorry you, your son, and your fiance are going through this. When my daughter turned 3, she began fighting sleep and she would run past my sons crib screaming and he would wake-up screaming and my husband and I would begin arguing because we were all sleep deprived, grumpy, and frustrated. It can be very nightmarish but there is hope! You can get through this. We all sleep through most nights now (LOL).

First reassure your son every night of your love and that you will never leave him no matter how he behaves, what he says or what he thinks. His imagination is swelling right now and his biggest fear is losing you and being alone. Next tell him you will check on him in 5 minutes and continue checking until he drifts off to sleep. You are teaching him that he can overcome his fears and fall asleep on his own. Keep checking him every five minutes and praise him for being quiet and tell him he is making such good choices and taking such good care of his body and listening to his body telling him he needs rest. Keep a journal of his night wakings. This will show you that it is working. Also, what time does your son go to bed. Bedtime of 7-8pm gives a three year old an adequate amount of sleep, for an average of 11 hours. Stay calm, try not to lay with him rather comfort him with your voice, words, and soft pats or rubs. This helps your son learn to rely on himself to sooth himself to sleep while at the same time being comforted by you being nearby. You and he can do this! And once sleep is restored to all, your life will get much happier. Be strong, you are teaching your son a very valuable lesson of self-reliance and self-soothing without fear. You can do this!

Have you tried Melatonin?
That has been my life line. His ped doc said 1mg was good dose for a 4 yr old. He is special needs and it is a factor in his life.
I don't agree with letting the child scream...I wish I could have chance to do that part of my life over because I let too many people tell me how to parent my child. It's stressing you and your child out....sleep is the goal NOT stress.
Warm milk and a melatonin is our magic solutionn to our sleep issue.
good luck

Hi L.,

My heart goes out to ya. Both of my kids did the same thing around age 2 (my 2 year old is starting to get better now). I don't want to tell you anything you have already done/or doing...but this is what has worked for me.
1. good call cutting out the naps...but I have found my 2 year old to be more difficult at night if he hadn't taken a nap all day. I'm guessing you have done both - but I try to make sure my little one takes at least one mini nap if possible.
2. Define your bedtime routine and stick to it. Your son may be difficult at first - but stick to your guns. After bath - brush teeth and put on pjs. I allow my kids to lay down and watch a show in the living room while they drink their water (no milk - I'm convinced the sugar wakes them up - ha).
3. Then - off to bed with a story.
4. Continue reassuring your son that it is ok to take a rest and that he will have a fun-filled day when he wakes up.
5. Try not to lay down with him. I did this too and it was a very hard habit to break (i.e. kids screamed until they got what they wanted). Your finacee is right - you do need to let him cry a bit. Just keep reassuring your little one that he is ok and that you love him. He will fight you...but stay strong. You can win this! Remember - you are the adult and need to teach him that throwing a fit isn't the way to get what he wants in life :)

Best of luck to ya!!

Hi L.,

I know it's tough not getting enough sleep, but I don't agree with your fiance. Your son is 2 years old and is crying for a reason. No, maybe he is not hungry or needing changed. Maybe you're not saving his life---at least physically anyway. But he is crying for a reason. You may not know what it is and you might think it was silly even if you did know. But things are a lot different to a child than they are to us. He is obviously needing something! Children do not cry for no reason. There is something going on in his mind. Perhaps he is afraid of losing you, maybe he just needs some extra comfort and reassurance. To leave him when he is asking to be reassured will only make it worse. Imagine if you were feeling sad or afraid about something and you cried out to your finace to please come and sit with you until you felt comforted. How would you feel if he told you no? Would you not feel very hurt and abandoned? I do not mean to say you are abandoning your child. I know he means everything to you. But in his mind, it may feel like abandonment at that time. Children need a lot of physical closeness. They need that for their emotional well-being just as they need food for their bodies! That's just the way they're made. Touch and physical closeness helps them to build strong, healthy relationships and helps them feel safe. Letting him cry out to you for four hours is not the answer and I believe that you feel that way too. I believe that instead of leaving him when he's like this is actually counter-productive. He needs MORE comfort from you at this time, not less. I know this is difficult. I've raised five children of my own and I know what it's like to not get enough sleep. One caveat though: if you ever feel like you are going to hurt him, it is best to walk away from him at that time. Please go to AskDrSears.com.

All the best,
K.
www.joyfulconnections.net

Hi L.. Have you ever heard of or read, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"? It's a great, easy to read book with instructions for sleep training based on thousands of sleep studies, not wives tales. I've been using it on my two little ones for the last three years and it works!! The best part about the book is that it takes into account what kind of parent you are, what you can handle - rocking them to sleep or letting them 'cry it out'. I hope you are able to get the book (it is available on line or any major book store), it has been my 2nd Bible since the day I bought it. ~M.