Son Refuses to Sit on Potty

2.5 yrs is still pretty young for potty training for a boy. It sounds like he is doing it as a power struggle...he knows you want him to do it, and as his way to keep the control he won't do it. Very common, though very frustrating.
I know this is not the answer you want, but I would hold off on the potty training for a while. I would continue to tell him or ask him to go, but don't force. If he doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make him. He still seems pretty young. Most boys don't potty train until age 3-3.5.

My 5.5 yr old didn't fully train until 4.5. I really wasn't embarrassed by it...he trained at his own pace, and had some power issues with it. I did finally have to involve some strong parenting, but he eventually got it.
It takes lots of patience, and eventually he'll get it. The way I look at it: he won't be going to college in diapers! It will happen eventually. Just keep trying...maybe a few months of backing off and then trying again might help.

Good luck. I know how frustrating it is.

I have a 34 month old little girl, and I thought she was ready to start potty training in January. I started, and got so frustrated! She would sit on the potty reading books for over a half hour at a time, and then all of a sudden, she didn't want to even sit on the potty. She faked me out! I talked to my seasoned mom friends and they all told me to wait until she is 3. They said that she will be much more developmentally ready at that age, and when she is ready, it will just click, and she'll be trained quicker and easier and with a lot less frustration. We just moved from out of state, so I'm waiting for things to settle down before starting. Here's what my friend did that worked. She told me to either do the cloth training pants/vinyl covers, or preferably, to just let her go naked on the bottom. They get instant feedback that way, and really start to learn how their bodies work. She recommends doing it in the summer so they don't get cold. I think I'm going to do the training pants, and if that doesn't work, then do the naked route. My friend waited until her daughter was about a week from turning 3, and had her completely trained in a few days. No accidents at night, either. Since you have a new baby, and are gearing up for a move, I would definitely wait until things settle down before trying. When he is relaxed and wants to go, he will train a lot easier/quicker. Good luck!

It sounds like a control issue. Which is common at 2.5. Probably best to let him have contol of this due to the fact that in all reality he does have control. My son who is 4 now, didn't full embrace the potty until just before his 3rd birthday. For him he had a hard time reconizing when he need to go. Then I realized that if he didn't have any clothes on he seemed to know he needed to go and would run to the potty. So I let him go commando for a week, and we've never looked back. From everything I've read and been told boys are harder than girls to train. Also 3 seems to be the magic age for being fully potty trained.

As for you being embarrassed, you are putting to much pressure on yourself and on your son. Every child develops at different rates. While one child may be fully potty trained at 2 she may not have walked until she was 18 months. Another child my walk at 9 months but is not fully potty trained until they are almost 4. You and your son will be happier if you let him develop on his timetable not his cousins.

Hi A.,
I am a mother of five kids and let me tell you I have been through just about everything for potty training. The main thing is not to get frustrated or upset because they pick up on that and it tends to make them back off or not want to do it even more. I was just at the dr. yesterday for my youngest 18 month check-up and I asked him about my other son who will be turning 3 on July 6th and potty training because my mom was like you really need to train him and I am more laid back because my oldest son who is 12 when he was potty training my dr had told me not to worry because most boys don't tend to potty train until 3 or 4. My mom thought that was ridiculous and I just took a very laid back approach with my oldest son and he was potty trained fully in three days without accidents and he was 3. I just spent a lot of time explaining everything to him and making sure he knew what to do and even did practice runs with him in the days following before I switched him over to underwear. If you would like to know more about that just e-mail me and I will tell you how I did that. Anyways back to my dr(different one than the one I had from my oldest son);he told me not to worry that he was right on target. It is okay if he is not potty trained because boys do tend to take longer than girls and that you have to remain calm or they will pick up on that and regress. I know from experience that having a new sibling can hinder the potty training process because I saw it happen with my oldest daughter and she was potty trained later than her brother at 3 1/2! Then my next daugther was at 2 1/2 and she was so much easier. I did find that when there are more people going to the bathroom around them in the house that if you let them watch you they tend to be less scared and more informed about the whole process. My dr. said that a potty training expert whom he heard speak at one of his conferences had a pretty good explaination for why boys train later than girls. My dr.said that kids are smarter than we give them credit for they know that boys have penises and girls don't and that is what makes them who they are. The thing is that they(the kids)think that the reason is that the girls had orginally had penises but that the toilet seat came down and broke theirs off and that is what made them girls because they no longer have them anymore and that idea itself can sometimes scare kids to want to go to the bathroom.The problem with my son is that he wants to go and he sits on the potty sometimes for a long time but nothing happens. I think that he is scared to go and my dr. said that they can get scared about their pee and poop leaving because to them that is like them losing a part of their finger or something-like someone cutting off their finger and to just tell them that it is okay to go that the pee and poop are going to go bye-bye and have a little party under the house with the other pee and poops and that may make them feel better about going. In summary, don't worry about it because if you do it may actually prolong it and then you and him will be in for a long battle that will just make everyone cranky and let's face it he will win because it is his body and he is the one that has control of it not you. Don't be embarassed you have nothing to be embarassed about. I know a lot of people who tell me their kid is 4 and they finally got him/her trained. Take a break and come back to it but before you come back to it do some practice runs and discuss with him what he will be doing. Do some role playing if you have to. Kind of like how we tell our kids about strangers and stuff they don't know what to do unless you tell them and role play with them to understand fully what is expected of them when they encounter the situation. Potty training is the same way, people tend to think that kids should just know what to do but they don't always, even if you think that they do there may be something they have a question about and are scared to ask because you may get mad and they don't like disappointing parents so they don't ask. So ask him if he has any questions about anything or doesn't know how to do something and that you can show him how to do it. Good luck and hang in there. Remember, breathe, relax and never punish him because you don't want him to think he did anything bad-even though you may be upset over an accident or if he didn't go;just be upset in your head and don't let him see it, just smile and say oops!you had an accident let's clean that up and next time try to make it to the potty okay, or thank you for tyring to go maybe you'll be able to go the next time you sit on there.If you stay positive it will be a better experience for both of you.Good Luck!:)
J.

By the way, I found out the hard way. Other moms lie! Especially about the potty training thing. In a culture where we're dependant on diapers, very few people get their kids really potty trained by the time they're 2 !! I chock this phenomena up to men bragging about size! :) I bet if you do your homework, those moms might have toddlers sitting on the potty sometimes. But totally off the diaper by age 2 1/2? I highly doubt it.

Just to ease your feelings, 2 1/2 is pretty young to expect a "boy" to be fully potty trained. From everything I've read, if you can get them trained and fully using the potty on their own, without accidents, you're son is one of the lucky few! Developmentally speaking, boys tend to be slower on the independent potty thing, so many experts recommend taking a laid back approach.

Ideas include, buying yet another potty or potty seat, but this time let him pick it out. Buy him one of those cute potty watches, where you set the alarm to ring at certain intervals (20, 30, 60, or 90 minutes). The benefit of the watch is he gets a sense of more control. Instead of you telling him to use the potty, he's going because his watch says it's time.

You don't mention whether you've tried putting him in regular undies yet, but this often "finishes the deal" for most kids and moms. Let him pick out his favorite character undies, put him in those during the day. If he has an accident in them, he'll be so uncomfortable, and hopefully upset enough because he "messed up" his buddies on the pants, he'll try harder next time.

If you're worried about leaks and smells, use those plastic lined pant covers made by Gerber, and put those on over his undies for a while, until he starts getting the hang of things. These are not the rubber pants that look like underwear, but the ones that seal shut with velcro and kinda look like a cloth diaper. You can find them at Babies R Us and Target. Usually, after a couple of #2 inicdents in them, he'll more than likely start keeping them clean.

One thing that worked for my kids was using this singing teddy bear that wore his own diapers. I put him on the potty first and squirted liquid from behind or left a mini candy bar (Oh Henry or Babe Ruth look believeable--I know a little bit much but it worked!) in the bowl to get the point across. The bear was preprogrammed to sing a rowsing cheer about successfully using the potty. Then I'd ask if they wanted to try, and they'd usually go right away, and we'd play the bear for them too. They loved it. The bear was created by Duke University and came with a really good potty training video with kids from ages 2 up to 6 both learning to use and successfully using a potty. The story centers around a boy who turns 4 and is having a birthday party. It's great for anyone who has "late bloomers" and really does a nice job without creating setbacks for parents of early learners.

One step ahead sold both the Bear/video AND the timed potty watch. At least they sold the bear about 3 years ago. I know for sure they still sell the watch. Go to www.onestepahead.com

Most important of all, from everything I've read, no arguments. Your husbands approach to ask rather than tell is the way to go according to the experts.

I hope some of this helps. But I'd say don't worry about what others say. He will use the potty when he is developmentally ready. Just be patient and read his cues. Unfortunately, it is alot of work. But if you can manage to keep the upper hand, he will come around if he doesn't come to percieve this as an opportunity for a power struggle.

First, the most important thing is to make the whole thing as relaxed as possible. Try not to make using the toilet a big deal, unless of course he uses it properly and then a small treat is a good idea (one or two mini chocolate chips was enough for my son - one for urine, two for stool).

Have you tried just putting him in underwear? It is a messy approach, but often once kids feel the mess they hop on that potty again pretty quickly. You would have to try it at least a week to know whether it is going to be effective for your son or not.

You could also try just set a time limit and having him sit there several times per day (be sure it not optional!). A timer is a good idea. We would set one for two hours and it would give a warning at ten and five minutes remaining so I could let my child know it was going to be time to sit on the potty soon. Then we'd reset the timer for five minutes while he was on the toilet. With this and several other techniques employed, it still took our son a full year+ to be potty trained.

You don't need to be embarrassed, though, if your son isn't potty trained by age three. These days a lot of kids aren't (there are many opinions on why that is). It's certainly frustrating, I know. My son is almost 4 1/2 and he still doesn't like to go #2, though he does all right more than half the time. He has a good excuse (congenital disease used to make it very painful so now he's got anxiety about it), but he's not alone even with kids without a good excuse.

A.,

My son turned 3 in March. We STARTED potty training a few weeks before his birthday. It took a total of a six weeks to have him fully day time potty trained. He still wears a pull up at night, and he is starting to be dry in the morning, this is happening more and more. We'll be trying to start night training later this summer. It was a bit of a struggle to get him to poop on the potty, but once he got it, he hasn't had a pooping accident since.

My point is, I think you are being unrealistic in thinking that 3 is too old to not be potty trained (you mentioned you would be embarrassed). FYI, I have a group of mom's I've met through ECFE, most of us have boys... all of them are 3 or just over, and most of them are just now getting it for potty training. One little boy turned 3 in February, his mom has been trying to potty train him since last October, and he just started pooping in his undies again... talk about frustrating! It is totally normal to have a 3 year old who is still learning.

You might have better luck waiting for a few weeks, and starting again around 3. There seems to be a point when they just get it, and that's that. All kids are different and comparing him to his cousins isn't fair to him or to you.

Another point to think about, if your child was in daycare full time, he'd be with other kids who were always on the potty. He might learn faster that way... he might also be pressured into it and have more problems because of it. He's lucky you are home with him, but not having the constant exposure to other kids his age pooping and peeing in the potty he may not be as motivated to learn.

Best of luck to you!

J.

Your son is trying to take control in an out of control situation. Everything in his world revolves around HIM GOING POTTY IN THE POTTY CHAIR. All these big people are getting all worked up because of something that he is controlling. That is pretty heady stuff!

This is really hard to do, but you MUST back off. Give him pull ups and tell him it is up to him if he goes potty in them or the chair. Tell him that if he wants to go in the pull-ups, that is OK, and mean it. BACK OFF COMPLETELY! (Your husband must agree to this too for it to work.)

Your son needs to be given back the control over his pottying choice. Since he has already been taught the basics, he will likely do it himself and you won't even notice when he did.

When your son gets this is not a reflection on you as a mom or on his intelligence. It is just a learned behavior that kids pick up at different ages. It seems like you feel a lot of competition with other moms over these kind of things. That is very hard to work around because you want to be validated in your efforts as a mom. I don't know if you will hear this, but get out of the contest. You won't win and you will just feel beat up all the time. Instead, find an older mom that has older children and have her mentor you. If you go to church, there are women all over that would love to share their journey with a younger woman. Look for someone whose kids you admire and ask her how she got them there.

Spend some time getting yourself settled down a bit. Your son will figure out that it is better to use the potty eventually, but much sooner if it is his decision. Your husband is right on this one. It needs to be your son's choice.

Some boys take longer than others to potty train. My son was the same way.....we starting training before he turned 2 and he seems to get it and wanted to. Then he just quit. It frustrated me but knew that he needed to make the choice to do it. It all finally clicked a week before he turned 3. Which is totally normal for boys. I think embarassing would be for your child to go to Kindergarten in diapers. Make sure you aren't making him feel bad about it because that could prolong it and cause other emotional problems later.
Some times if you push the issue and they aren't ready for it, you might have more issues with accidents later on. I say let it be for awhile and pretty soon he will get sick of it too. Don't give him attention for not going only for going and let him make up his mind about it and the process should run much smoother. Some kids take longer than others whether they are boys or girls.
Good luck!

Hi A.! My son resisted potty training until he was over 3 years old and then decided he was ready. When he was ready he basically trained himself in a few days with no accidents.
Let me tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of to have a 3 year old in diapers. Mom's do make it into a competition and I say, better to have a confident child than one who is so burned out on potty training that it takes a year longer to train.
Every kid goes at his own pace and it's easier on us mom's when we go at their pace at potty training too!
Good luck and try not to be frustrated. Kids are so astute and can get ahold of our emotions so easily.

My youngest son was this way also. He refused anything to do with the potty chair. We didn't have pullups back then so it was diapers for the most part. I left the potty chair out and didn't push it, just made it available. Then not long before his third birthday he went in and went potty by himself. That was it, we didn't have much for accidents, no fights, only asking once in a while if he needed to go potty. It was so much easier then training his older siblings who we would take back every hour or so to put on the potty. If he turns 3 and isn't trained stop buying diapers and pull ups, go to undies with the rubber pants for cloth diapers over them. This lets him be uncomfortable with the wet pants while protecting your carpet. Bedtime would be the hardest and you may want some cloth diapers for those times. Make sure he goes potty before bed and chances are he will stay dry all night.

I certainly don't have any answers necesarrily. I have three children (11 year old daughter, 9 year old son, and a 3 year old daughter). My three year old daughter is not potty trained and I too am frustrated. My other two were potty trained by now. She can go on the potty and does but it tends to be on her terms. She has never pooped on the potty either which is also frustrating. I could use a little more help from my sitter as she's with her 5 days a week while I'm away at work. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is your not alone. I too feel like my daughter is ready in every other way and my best guess is she'll do it when she is ready. I also believe your son may have regressed some with the new baby and the fact she wears diapers also. You may want to try something I did with my older two...gift wrap various items (a book, crayons, bubbles, match box cars, etc...) and put them in a basket in the bathroom. Let him know each time he uses the potty he can open a "gift". The curiosity about what's inside motivates them to go. I used it to help with the pooping with my son because he refused to go and it worked. Good luck, he won't be a grown adult and not be potty trained. Eventually, we all learn. :)

I have a 3 year old who is not yet fully potty trained and I am still here to talk about it. I have not pushed it too hard because I have a daughter who did great on her own time and my son has a language delay, meaning, he is on his own time for that too. My neighbors had a daughter potty trained by 2. If I was using their daughter as a scale, I would be freaking out. Children develop differently. That is the part of life I know is hard to accept sometimes but it is true. I have now been reading about what should and should not happen during potty training time. For one, it is very important to give child TOTAL control in the situation or it will become a power struggle. For example I say "let me know when you need to go potty" instead of "sit on the potty" or instead of "Do you need to go?" Punishment is not an effective way to potty train. Neither is shaming or guilting the child. Here is a link to something I saw the other day
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25057503/
Also there are many helpful tips out there on the internet.
Good luck.

My son was 3 1/2 before he was potty trained. We had been trying since he was 2 1/2. We tried everything: chart w/ stickers, M&Ms, I even wrapped small $1 gifts in a basket at the back of toilet for when he went, leaving him in underwear, etc. Nothing seemed to work, he refused...even if he went in his underwear. What finally did it was the long 4th of July weekend, I let him run around the house naked from the waist down. When he went #2 on the carpet (we had our Bissell Spot Bot handy), it somehow clicked and the next time we saw him squat we put him on the toilet and he went. Since then, just small accidents here and there; usually if he's busy playing and waits until the last second. It was hard for me to let go of my embarrassment of being out in public with my son not potty trained yet. But, on the up side; my son has not had to wear a pullup at night nor has he wet the bed ever since he's been potty trained. I'd trade that for having to wait until he was 3 1/2! Good luck.

My son did the same thing when he was the same age. Loved having the potty seat, liked stickers, liked the targets, WOULD NOT GO on the potty seat after about a month of doing fine. It could be the baby--some kids kind of regress when they see how much the baby gets attention of peeing/pooping and changing. (Come to think of it, that might have been part of the problem in my case, too. And two kids in diapers is just TOO expensive.)

Anyway, one day my son managed to get on the grownup toilet on all fours and by balancing on the rim went potty and flushed! He went to the bathroom this way until he got tall enough to go standing up. I think he was just offended that the potty seat was for little kids and he was a "grown up." Maybe try one of those seats that makes a grown up potty into a kid's seat with a smaller hole.

Try not to be too frustrated...as my parents used to say "he'll have it down by the time he gets married," which, as mad as it used to make me, is true. Kids are all different. I was 4 before I was potty trained, so I actually remember it. I was terrified of falling in and being flushed down, though I didn't have the words to tell my parents that. Mom says with my brother, she just pointed to the toilet and said, from now on, go in here. He said "OK" and was potty trained. Go figure.

I agree that you need to back off, both for yours and your son's sanity. My son is 26 months and is definitely not ready. He will sit on the potty (when he asks, only) maybe once every other day, but we don't push it. We just praise him a lot when he does. I have a friend who pushed and pushed and pushed and her son ended up not being potty trained until he was over 4 years old! He was definitely able to do it but he didn't want to anymore because he knew she was so intent on it. Ease up for a few months and see how that goes. Good luck!