Son Driving Me Crazy

Hi J.,
I have a 14 year old also. I would have a discussion with him, not at the time he's asking for something, about what you can and will give him money for. Does he receive an allowance? Give him spending money in a set amount and let him know what that will cover. My daughter knows what she is expected to pay for out of her allowance and what she can ask me for money for. Let him know that he cannot continue to ask for money all the time. He has experience in saving for things that he wants (my daughter does, too, saved up to buy herself a guitar), let him know that this is what is expected. Be clear about what is okay to ask for and how often, and that "want" items are his responsibility, but not at a confrontational time when he is asking for something. Good luck

Can you set a rule? One new expensive thing per month? By end of month he may change hismind. And he can make a list of all things he wants (up to 5 things) and show you at ened of each week to discuss working it off to buy 1 (mot so expensive) iten for himself. Let him feel the accomplishmant. Then for every 2 things he buys hinself, you can decide together what u will buy him.

I'm sure its a phase and you can talk it out, make plans, spend time together getting ice cream before buying the item...make a special time out of just beibg togethera. He probably thinks he needs the stuff bc its cool and he's feeling insecure at this age.

Hi J.,

I would suggest giving him a weekly allowance -- $1 per year of age used to be a good estimate, but I don't know if inflation has altered that equation. He can buy anything he wants with it so he doesn't have to "answer" to you about his spending, but that's all he has for the week unless he works. If he wants to buy music, go to the movies, etc. he's welcome to, he just has to pay for it; if he wants to make a bigger purchase, he needs to learn to save up his allowance. If he's asking for lots of clothes purchases as well, you might consider giving him a clothing allowance in addition.

The best goal -- within the bounds of what you can afford to give him on your family budget -- is to be generous enough that he really can afford to buy the things he needs and some of the things he wants, but not too much so that he learns to prioritize those purchases most important to him. Hopefully, after asking for things a couple of times and hearing "Do you have the money to pay for it? You spent it already? Then sorry, maybe you can get it next week," he will learn!

If he's willing to accept those boundaries, hopefully this will both teach him about budgeting and financial responsibility and stop him from treating you like an ATM! Good luck!

J. -- when my sons were 12 & 13 they driving me crazy with the same scenario(they are 18 & 19 now). Listening to the radio one day, we heard about a father who would give his son an allowance of $25/week....I about choked!! BUT here is the catch -- he had to pay for EVERYTHING himself (new sneakers, sports signup fees, special body wash, etc). So, after talking to my husband, we decided to implement this practice by giving them $50 every other week. The very first time, my oldest son had Babe Ruth baseball signups and two soccer tournament fees that used all but $8 of his $50....
The next day the boys wanted to go to Burger King and when I said I didn't have any $$, he said to me "I know how you feel, Mom." He had also been bugging me to get "transition" lenses on his glasses and when he found out it was $65 that he would have to pay for, he never asked again.
This truly ended all the "begging" and was a wonderful plan for us. (Now, I would still provide basics like socks, underwear, and a few school supplies)
Try it -- you're spending the $$ anyway, so let them manage it and learn.
My 11 year old daughter can't wait to start this next year....
B.

my children are not as old, but my fav response to give to the "wantitis"...is...."I want the winning numbers to the lotto"...and then i go on and on about what I would buy and where i would go shopping and what we would have....a huge house, with a heated pool...indoors and out...blah, blah ,blah...whatever comes to my mind really....sometimes I say I want a bath and two hours of quite time, but mostly i go on and on about all those ridiculous things that i don't really need to make me happy....because perhaps they'll see that we really have all we need. each other. or they won't :)and they'll be stuck listening to my wish list forever :)

I would sit him down in a calm moment when he isn't asking for anything and set some guidelines. Does he get an allowance or earn money for chores? If not, he should get some spending money. And he should contribute towards what he wants. Personally, I would also tell him that anytime he starts talking "I want" or "can you buy me" that I will ignore him. Completely. If he wants to buy something, he'd have to tell me he wants to talk to me about something and make an appointment with me, then he would have to have a proposal of how much he would contribute or what he would do around the house to earn the item. Good luck!

I have a 16 year old son that does the same thing..it's the age and "all my friends have it" stage.

I tell my son no or "Yeah, I'll get right on that". He complains about us being broke and that his friends have all the cool stuff. His friends have a two parent working household. We do not. Single mom working part-time can't afford PPV or a cell phone for HIM.

It's a good thing that your son will work for what he wants..praise him for it and encourage new ideas of helping earn it around the house and the community.

Nanc

Isn't this a great learning opportunity???

I would try acknowledging while redirecting and/or brainstorming... I can remember having conversations with my own folks about stuff like this. It usually went something like this:

I understand that you would like to purchase <Item X>. (Note I did not say "want" or that I would purchase it either) Can you explain to me why? And how is <Item X> different from <Item Y> which you wanted last night/yesterday/last week/last month? What would you do with <Item X>? Is there an alternate product that would meet the same need as <Item X>? I am concnerned about you having <Item X> becuase <fill in blank>. I can not afford to simply give you <Item X>. What can you do to earn it?

Then depending on the item my folks would set up a matching fund kind of thing. It made me work hard and allowed me to achieve the goal more quickly.

Have a conversation and get to the root of the gimmies. Also, while having this conversation, it may be a good time to explain to your young adult why all the requests are unbecoming and going unfufilled. Having a plan of action to achieve your goals will suit him much better and eventually, he may even catch on that if he comes to you with a game plan first instead of whining that it can expedite the road to his satisfaction.

Good Luck.
~C.

Tell him you are not a bank and that you are happy to buy him necessities and luxuries within reason, but if he wants XXXX that he can do yardwork, clean etc and earn an allowance to save for it.

I think it could be good for him to learn responsibility and get his first job. I had a job at 14, I worked for a organization that delivered groceries to the elderly, it wasn't much money (minimum wage). Then I did some dog walking/ dog sitting in my neighborhood, which paid well. The next summer when I turned 15 I got a job working in a day camp as a counselor. Anyway, my mom didn't have money for unnecessary items, so I figured getting a job would allow me to get those things without hasseling her. There are lots of opportunities out there for young people, and I think it's healthy for them to pitch in and learn about self sufficency and saving. It worked for me and my sister. I hope that in the future I can help my own daughter do the same. Good luck

He is 14yrs old, probraly new friends...maybe this is why he is asking for so much. My daughter is 17 and at that age she starting acting the same way, it was becuz of the changing of school going to high school. Peer pressure, trying to keep up with the Joneses. Check that out.