Some Advice How to Become a Full Time Mom

"Dad. I'm really feeling overwhelmed with helping my son with A and with B. He's having trouble with X and Y. I really feel like I need to take a short break and put more of my attention and time and effort into helping him. That means I need to take a break from work for a while. I normally handle responsibilities 1,2, and 3. Can so-n-so handle 2 and 3, with me just handling 1 right now? I know you want what's best for me and for your grandson, so I really need your help with this. I am really stressed out and need your support."

So ..... my thought would be to keep your responsibilities to a minimum at work for a while so you can concentrate on your son's problems at hand.

You have to ask yourself if your son's problems are BECAUSE you work x amount of hours per day. Lots of working moms manage to parent effectively in the time frame they are given. Personally, I'm a sahm full time mom right now. It's great, but my husband is almost NEVER home, and his parenting is right on track when he's around, because all rules are the same all the time etc. Where is your son while you're at work? If he was with you during those hours, would you be doing things that would improve his issues? Could you do those things in your "off time"?

I am all for full time sahms, but ONLY if they would be much happier and more effective for their kids if not working. This may be the case for you, only you know that. The most important thing is a happy, fulfilled mom, and I worry that it sounds like you really love your job, and have a great thing going. If you quit, create family drama, have less money, and find yourself not making a huge difference for your son's issues by not working x hours per day, you'll feel bad, but it's worth a try if you think it would be better. Could you have your job back?

I don't know what your solution should be not knowing specifically what your whole scenario is, but these are questions you need to ask yourself. And don't worry about what your dad would think (if he's controlling your life it may be a good decision to step down if you cant' keep your boundaries in tact). This is about YOU and the people in your direct care-your kids.

What does your husband think you should do? That is what really matters. You don't need to be worrying what your dad thinks. It is honestly none of his business. If you and your husband think it is best for your family that you step down and devote your time to your household and son, then that is what you need to do. It would be my choice, to be certain.

Is there any reason why you can't scale back your duties? It would seem a lot like my life. When my kids need me I cut back my hours, then when things get back to normal, as they always seem to do, I go back to working full hours.

Seems like a good balance.

I left a profession when one of my sons needed me, very badly. It's tough in some ways, but I have never regretted it.

I'd rather live with the regret of a lesser career than the regret of not being there when my kids needed me. The latter scenario is much worse and more haunting, imho.

If I were you I'd ask myself - if my dad weren't involved - would I leave that job?

Good luck, and I hope you can come to the best decision for your family, whatever that is . . . (and it may not be the same as other moms here, including me).

You have to decide what will work best for your family, and none of us can know that. For me, the choice to stay home with my children was the best I ever made. I have the rest of my life to work and only a precious few years while my children are young to be a full time mom to them. It can be hard at times, but I will never regret the years I had to focus solely on them and their care. They are getting a little older now, and I spend a lot of time volunteering at their school and supporting their activities. I know soon the time will come when they will no longer need me full time and I will return to work full time and I will so miss all the time I used to spend with my special boys. It all goes by so fast.

S.,

If you were my friend, asking me this out at a cafe, I would probably tell you "I don't know" because there are several facets of your post that *you* need to be 100% solid on before you make this decision.

1. Your familial relationships with your dad and your business relationships with he and your husband-- these are huge considerations. Is your father going to feel that you are leaving them in a tough spot; are your shoes hard to fill and will training someone to do what you do be a hardship on the business? Will they absorb some of your work and shuttle off the less-important tasks to workers? What would this transition look like, ideally, because it's good to already have a plan in hand to take back to dad...

2. Once again, the familial relationship with dad. Is this going to be a huge problem for the two of you? Is this going to trigger some old, bad stuff that's been at rest since the two of you were working together? You need to figure out what your father/daughter relationship is going to need. Do you need to strengthen yourself so that you don't feel totally guilty and horrible about leaving the business?

3. Is this a temporary or permanent leave? People need to know so that they can move forward. Do you want time to get things back to a more functional way of living, or are you just *done* with the work? Sometimes we can get these two ideas confused...

4. What will you do/feel if the time at home(without work) doesn't relieve your feeling of being overwhelmed? Do you have indications that your son's anxiety/ADHD will be improved because you are more hands-on, or is this guilt on your end? (Please forgive me for asking that last question-- I really don't know... I do know, however, that guilt is sometimes the worst reason to make a decision.)

It's so difficult to make a decision that is good for *everyone*. If it were me, I might go back and visit with a counselor a couple times to talk it through before even mentioning this to anyone. That's also what I would probably advise a friend. You can ask this question, and we can all chime in, but you and yours are the people who have to live with this decision, not me.

If you do decide to be a 'work in home' mom, (that's how I perceive my job), my best advice is to give yourself some activities and goals and keep a fairly routine way of life for everyone's benefit. I need routines to my day, or it would be too easy to get distracted. (Which reminds me, time to take a shower now!) If you are solely focused on the kids, you'll get burnt out more quickly, so find ways to still get sitters/help from time to time so you can get time out for yourself and do things to feed *you*.

Good luck on your decision and let us know how it goes....

I would put more weight on the needs of my son than my father's expectations. I think in your heart you know the right answer.

I went through this a few years ago, and for me, I had to go through every option and really try to make it possible for me to work p/t (from a f/t professional career) before I gave myself permission to immerse myself f/t in my kids. Making these choices and finding a healthy balance is an on-going challenge for me, so I respect the difficulty of making these decisions. One thing I did to "ease" my transition into staying at home was doing a p/t graduate degree online. It was difficult to find the time (I had little kids, so I gave up t.v. in the evenings and studied instead), but it kept me connected to my field and I felt like I was moving forward with my career, rather than stepping away from it altogether. Good luck on your journey!

You're worried what your dad will think??? Time to cut the apron strings (or whatever strings they are when you are overattached to your dad).

The hard thing will be that you work from your home. It is really difficult to stop working when you work from home.

But yes, you need to cut back or even better, stop completely, and focus on your kids. Your instincts are correct. If you are overwhelmed, you have too much on your plate, and your children are certain to suffer when that is the case. How you cut back on a job from home I'm not sure. Hire someone?

I work my hiney off outside the home, work my hiney off inside the home, worky my hiney off helping with homework, attending events, etc and I do it all as a single mother.
It doesn't get more full time than that.
I've raised two pretty amazing kids.

The bottom line is that you have to do what's best for you and you are the only one who knows what that is.
Maybe discuss just taking a break for a while. Heaven knows we all could use one of those from time to time.

I think you are very fortunate to be involved in your own family's business as opposed to working so hard to make someone else money and having to be away from home to do it.
Working for your own business can be very demanding, especially since it's not like you can just clock out and be away from it. But, other than your dad's possible disappointment, it doesn't sound like you can get fired.
Like I said, maybe discuss taking a break. A hiatus, so to speak.
It will give you an opportunity to see if it makes a difference in your son and also the opportunity to see how much you miss working...or not.

Just an idea.

I'm in the same kind of "boat". I'm making two lists, one is "the advantages of my continuing to work" and the other is "the disadvantages of continuing to work".

My disadvantages include my kids' needs (and they aren't going to be this age again) as well as my own health. I need to eat better, get better sleep and exercise more and my health _directly_ impacts how I can support my childrens' physical and emotional health!

I highly suggest you get your husband into the conversation. What level of income can you live with? If you are at home, how are you going to avoid the work you have been doing? I don't mean physically separate yourself from the work. More like you should come up with strategies to handle such situations as "oh, just this one time, call these customers" as well as times when you feel bored and "tempted" to "give a hand".

Good luck!

I would hire an assistant. Yes your son needs you and you would be able to devote more time to him. Since you are a part owner in the company it would be a good idea to stay active and involved. This is part of your investment, if not money then time and energy. I don't know the role you play in this company but I would hate to see bad decisions cause your investment to go down the drain because you are not involved.

As far as your dad is concerned you need to find a way to get him to back off. My dad and my grandpa were total control freaks so I understand how difficult it is to back them off. But for the sake of your sanity tell him to back off or buy you and hubby out of the company.

If you stopped working, I'd assume someone would have to be hired to take over your duties. Correct? So why not hire a part-time assistant? You can train the assistant to do your job and take some of the load off. If you find that you REALLY like being a full time mom and the assistant is working out well, you can promote her to your full time position. That way you can test the waters and get yourself the time you need without committing to quitting your job until you know you won't miss it. And maybe the part-time help will be enough to make both worlds workable.

HTH
T.

Wow, does that mean that I am only a part-time Mom since I work outside the home?

Only you can determine what is right for you.
That said, if what is right for you is in direct conflict with what your father expects, brace yourself for some criticism.
Your son is 5? Is he in K? Other children? Younger or school aged?
What works best for me is to work PT.
Maybe once your kids are in school more of the day, that would work for you?

It depends on how old my child was. If he is in school then it won't matter if you work or not, he won't be home all day so working would not interfere. If he is pre-school age and only gone half day then work a half day and then come home to spend some time with him.

In my opinion if it is a chemical imbalance in his brain, which is what ADHD is, then your working or not working will not influence him. That is like saying staying home to spend time with a diabetic will cure them too when only medication and foods they eat influence that. Needing to spend some time with mom is not a bad thing either, I would just make sure he was able to still have his daily routine. In child care or school they do certain things at certain times and he plays with certain people at certain times....that kind of thing.

That said, maybe he needs a check up with the ADHD doc to adjust his meds. Maybe he needs to be on an early morning pill that he only takes before school, not on days he's not in school, the the side effects and issues of them perhaps causing oppositional side effects might be addressed too.

I am a stay at home mom with an ADHD son; I can completely relate to the anxiety you are talking about with your son. We go through bouts of this too and I don't feel like there's much I can do to help him (even though I have the time). It comes and goes with him and I just do the best I can to keep him on a rigid schedule and feed him a good ADHD diet (their nutrition is a job in itself). I am ready for a job but one that is not too demanding. Our family would like the extra income. Will you miss the income? You really have something great going on here. I bet many will have a different opinion than me but I would find a way to juggle them both. Is your son in elementary or preschool? Do you have quiet time during the day? Is there anyway your family could hire a second person to split your job with you? I would be willing to bet there is another stay at home mom who would love a 20-25 hr/wk job. Maybe the hours wouldn't work out just right but I'm saying you should get creative.

Regarding the ADHD, sounds like you need to see a doctor again and re-evaluate what he's taking. Is he on a booster at school? If so, see if they can give it to him an hour earlier. Exercise him!!! I'm sure you are doing all of this but there's such a difference in my son on days I've taken him to the park after school vs. sitting around the house while I clean. He behaves better and falls asleep easier. Give him things to chew when you see that he's anxious (gum, etc.). Also, give him jobs aruond the house when he's anxious (carry your laundry basket, heavy things, etc). These kids need "heavy work" for calming reasons. Sounds weird but it works. What I have been doing with my son are push ups. I don't tell him why, I just say, "get down on the floor with me and let's do some push-ups." He's becoming competative with me! :) Many times it just resets him. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Just talk to your family and tell them you have reached your maximum in life. You need help. No one fully understands what it's like to live with a child with ADHD. The term is thrown around so much that people have become desensitized to it. It is very real and exhausting to deal with on a daily basis! I feel your pain and you really do need to find a better balance for yourself and your family. Good luck!

S.:

This is a tough situation.

You sound like you want to be at home with your son. Who also sounds like, if he is on meds, he needs to be checked by the doctor again and the meds adjusted - that happens - the dose doesn't stay the same and needs to be changed some times.

I would NOT be giving my son melatonin on a regular basis. This is MY personal opinion. At that age - you are stopping his body from naturally producing it and he will have a hard time sleeping when he gets older.

In my opinion, it sounds like you need to cut your aprons strings. You are a grown W. and while you have a business with your parents, you let your father or parents have too much control in your life.

No one can tell you what to do. I've not walked in your shoes, I don't know your details like I would my best friend. You have to pray about it and talk with your HUSBAND and see what HE thinks and wants.

Does your family (husband and son) depend upon your income and any benefits you might get from this job?

If your son is in school - what are you going to do with your time while he is in school? Is there a compromise that can be made? Write down pros and cons - what your expectations are and what you WANT to happen...

Communicate with your husband....seek his input...expectations, etc.

GOOD LUCK!

It sounds like you would like to spend more time with your children. Will you miss working? Probably, because there are a lot of ways you get positive feedback on a job well done. You will have to look for different ways to get positive feedback when you are a full-time mom - the smiles on your children's faces when you play with them and don't have to worry about the clock, for example.

You know already that your husband's opinion and your children's needs should mean a lot more to you than your dad's. But it is hard, especially if he is controlling. It's time to put on that thick skin. If your husband is in agreement with you quitting the job, then your decision should be made. Who would you rather have upset with you? Your dad or your husband? Who did you make vows to?

In my opinion, you can never go wrong when you focus on your kids. Will you have to make huge adjustments in your budget? Yes. Will it be worth it? Just ask your kids. Just for fun, I would ask my kids when they were growing up if they thought I should get a job that paid money so they could have something that I had told them we couldn't afford. They always said no. It was good for me to get to ask from time to time, in case I ever needed a reminder.

The bonus will be that you will have more time and energy to be there for your husband. Do you have time and energy now to find ways to make him feel important?

When your kids are grown, there will be plenty of time to work again.