So Sad - Chester,NY

I can tell you that when I was pregnant and wanted to talk to my OB about the birth etc and he responded with "It's still very early" It pissed me off so a family member saying they weren't saying anything about it to the kids because of that reason would piss me off too.. you aren't a doctor and if they were telling the family then you should have told them you wanted to let them tell the kids (if that was the real reason). Apologize and maybe explain what you meant because I know it probably sounded worse to him than what you intended. Good luck!

Send him an email or letter or whatever, and apologize.

And yes, of course you send the card.

And C., I might be wrong on this, but I think it's kind of weird that you let him know that you were worried about him around your kids. Almost everyone on the planet would be offended if you were suggesting that they were a child molester, especially when they weren't. Not everyone, probably not most people, who were molested become molesters themselves. So I can certainly empathize with him being mad at you about that. You should have just kept those worries to yourself, and not left him alone with the kids. That wouldn't have been hard to do.

And now you are once again being a little overprotective of your kids, so I can kind of understand how he sees it. Somehow, you always think something about him is going to harm your kids..

His and his wife's pregnancy news is theirs to share or not, and your kids would seriously be FINE if their uncle's baby miscarried.

I could be completely wrong, but I think you need to learn to relax a little and not worry so much.

I agree there's a lot going on here w/your post.
It seems to cover many things.
However, I think you were right to protect your children. If only, everyone did that, some of these terrible things may never have happened.

I think you should let things go as they are .
You stated your worry.
Don't allow him alone w/your kids.
Try to possibly have together times w/everyone present (you, your kids, him, his wife etc) to see how things go. How comfortable things are.
You don't need to leave your kids alone w/him (ok that you said something to your mom....you are only protecting your kids.)
How about trying to keep going & move past this uneasiness?
Don't mention anything more. You stated your peace.
Keep your eyes open.
Send the gift to he & his wife.
Share in the joy of their baby's arrival.
Maybe offer any help you can w/that since they will be new parents.
Keep some distance while still trying to protect your kids.
At this point, maybe no more approaching or discussions. Just act as though everything is fine & go from here.
You don't have to over-do it. Just be cautious.
A lot of families don't get along and have serious family issues .
Family dynamics get in the way.

This is my third attempt at responding to your post. I typed and deleted, typed again and deleted. I have so many thoughts and opinions about your situation as it sounds very similar to what I have been through with my brother.

Has your brother been to counseling? If not, I would be cautiously optimistic about the future of your relationship.

Continue being the good person that you are. I think everything Marda P. said below is right on the money.

Good luck to you. I understand your sadness. PM me if you'd like to. : )

Honestly, I think I agree with the few posts I've read. You need to apologize to him, and say that you were way off. Tell him he'll understand how crazy mothers get.

Him being molested does not make him a molester. Could be that he'd been even more protective of children than you would, because of what he went through. Of course he's angry over it. And you're worried because he got drunk one time and said whatever was buried deep down...I think most of us have done that, at least once, in life.

And yes, send the card. :) Congratulations. You can turn this around, but it's on you...because you've created the situation you're in, with the drama. You can do it.

Sounds like he's very sensitive. If he hasn't told you anything, I suggest that you continue to do what you would do if you hadn't heard this information. Send the gift card. Continue to share your pleasure with the pregnancy with them.

I'd send the card and see what their response is. If they ignore it, I would call and suggest that it seems the two of you need to clear the air. Tell him how you feel without accusing him of having done something. For example you could say, "Mom said she got a copy of the sonogram. I'd love to see it, too." "Did you receive the gift card? I was just wondering because I haven't heard from you."

If he acts like his feelings have been hurt you could say, "Sounds like your feelings have been hurt. If I've done anything to upset you, I'm sorry."

Keep it low key and sympathetic. No need to mention your sister. Express your feelings with I statements. Expect to have him yell at you, since that's been his pattern, and psych yourself up so that you won't yell back. If you start getting sucked into his drama, tell him you're hanging up.

About leaving him alone with the kids. I agree with not letting him be alone based on his history of anger. Being molested is a concern but if that were the only concern I'd suggest checking it out further before saying he couldn't be alone. But because he is overly sensitive and handles his discomfort with anger, he should not be alone with your children.

Perhaps you need to clarify this with him. Be sure that he knows that you welcome him in your home and playing with your children, just not being left alone with him because you are protecting you kids from his anger.

I'd send the card as planned before being tainted by the third party gossip. Your brother is just sort of eccentric it seems. I'm sure you know him well. He will not understand your reasoning about not telling your 4 yr old until his own child is 4.

With issue with my own sister I can tell you that being honest, open and direct are the best way to approach. The worst problems are when either part do not know the whole story, and that is in this particular case what happened. He does not know that you were going to offer him to tell the kids.

Little things can go a long way. Before the congrats on your pregnancy I would call him and say... I just want you to know that I love you... if he does not answer leave that message in his voice mail. This little gesture will open the door, I am sure of it.

Then you can send the card and days later a little gift or something will be super nice.

Some times it is difficult to talk in some cases it's impossible to talk without opening a pandora box and is very difficult to come to an understanding or agreement, even you get the things out in the open but the feelings and emotions are there.

You can start a healing process in the relationship with actions and nice gestures... a short and steady pace of good will and good things towards them, meaning your brother and his wife and they will notice and soon will be reciprocated.

I understand your concern about not leaving your kids alone with him and yes you should always think and protect your kids first, that is the single most important thing in the world...but as said, he can still have a relationship with them and with you.

For some time you may have to tip toe in the relationship, specially with such sensitive things as the pregnancy but it is also a wonderful opportunity, I guess he wanted to see you all happy and excited for him and for the new baby and all he got was a very "cold" is too early in the pregnancy... to be honest that would have bothered me too, even if that is not what you meant and intended, he does not know what you were thinking.

Do towards him what you would want for yourself, before any meaningful action think first if you would like it and if the answer is no, then do not do it or say it.... Think the little details that you really appreciated from friends and family and then think what you can do for them that will tell him. I love you and I am happy for this baby.

The next time you see them, have a little something, mabye a pijama... and say I was shopping and saw this, loved it and could not help myself to buy it for MY new baby!

Go to the store and buy the most helpful things that a newborn will need. (I remember that a neighbor gave me a bunch of things like the nose aspirator with the drops, the drops for the upset tummy) you get the idea, the toilettries for the baby.... give them in other occassion, not the same day.

Another day get them one pack a of new born diapers and a pack of the following size.... this will tell the that you are excited and happy for this baby!

No thing have to be expensive just well thought of and they will go a long way.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

I completely understand. I am the opposite. I was molested by my uncle. I will not and do not allow my children to stay with anyone other then Nana or Titi Minnie. I will never touch a child. However, I do read a lot of stories on when it happens to someone and they continue the cycle. So I can see where you are coming from. I would stick with your gut.

As far as him being sensitive about his new family. Let it go. Be nice if you want and send the gift. He has issues he needs to comfort. Unfortunely, it doesn't seem he will ever talk to someone about it. It's only going to eat him up. I just hope when he does go off you and your family are not around. I feel sorry for him. I understand. :(