Smart Child Struggling in School Due to....anxiety?

There is a great book called The Growth Mindset (Carol Dweck). It's not just a parenting book - in fact, most of it is not about parenting. But there is a chapter that is really good parenting advice. In a nutshell, it talks about a common mistake parents make - praising good performance instead of effort. When a child comes home with a good grade, parents say great job! But if a child comes home with a not-so-good grade on a project she/he worked h*** o*, we don't give as much praise. Over time, they internalize the idea that the goal of life is to get things right (perfection), which sets them up to be afraid to try new things because they fear trying and possibly failing.

The book explains the concept much better than I can, and it's available in libraries so I encourage you to read it. It might give you some good ideas about how to interact with your child to make sure that you are rewarding effort and not perfection. It's not easy - I still struggle to do it right - but I think it's important so I keep trying. I think this could really help your child's confidence.

ETA: 2 more thoughts specific to reading: If your kid likes TV and you let him watch a little, get some Super Why DVDs and let him watch them during his TV time. It's a PBS Kids show. My kid loved that show and it's really good at teaching kids how to sound out words, etc. Second is that I agree that you should let him pick up what he wants to read. My kid knew how to read but had no interest until he found the Captain Underpants books. They are graphic novels and all the pictures really help a new reader to get into the storyline, and my son loved the silliness of it.

Edited after reading your What Happened: His teacher called him a "liar?" Are you sure? That's kind of harsh, for a first grade teacher. If she really did something so inappropriate, I wouldn't be too concerned about her general assessment of your son, since she's obviously not a great teacher. Also, the way you spark his interest in reading is to read fun books with him. That's it.

Original response: OMG, he's only in first grade! What are we doing to our children, when the prevailing wisdom has it that we have to be stressing them out over their spelling in FIRST grade?

What you need to do is to stop stressing over this. He's only in first grade. If you keep pestering your son over this you are going to cause the very anxiety that you are worried about, and you are going to make school stressful instead of joyful.

Forget the tutor. Keep reading fun. Make reading a special routine that you do with your son every night, for 20 or 30 minutes before bedtime. You can take turns reading to him and letting him read. The more he reads, the better his spelling will get, naturally. But please, keep it fun! Reading should be for pleasure, not to meet some unrealistic 1st grade standard. And by the way, I know many people who have had very fulfilling lives who don't spell very well. That's what spell check is for. ;)

p.s. I second the Carol Dweck recommendation, suggested below. You could also watch a short video about Dweck's Growth Mindset. You really need to understand that concept so you stop stressing out your son.

I see you've already edited twice, but maybe you'll still see my response :-)

It's really too bad that his teacher has said he's behind. There is a really big spectrum for first and second grade, and it really is ok if he appears behind when, from his perspective, he's being put on the spot. But honestly, lots of kids in first grade are still struggling with sight words and still learning how to read. Spelling tests are really just designed to help them learn those sight words.

Spelling is probably always going to be a part of schools because our crazy language is derived from so many different languages that there's very little consistency. But really, how many adults could compete in a spelling bee? Most of us rely on spell-check. I'm not saying spelling is useless, but I do not believe in putting pressure on a first grader!!!

I would just keep encouraging the reading. You read to him sometimes. I read the first two (maybe three) Harry Potter Books to my boys when my they were in kindergarten and second grade. Let him read to you, and encourage him to read to himself. Even if it's Fly Guy or Captain Underpants. Right now is such a great time to teach him that reading is fun!!! As he gets into books or comic books, he's going to see other things that peak his interest.

It makes me so sad when teachers give parents the impression that their child needs to catch up "RIGHT NOW!!!" In these early grades, that's rarely the case. They just need to keep trying and keep learning.

Our son and myself (when I was that age) struggled with reading.
For both of us it took off the second half of second grade.
We were insatiable readers after that.

Have you tried making it fun?
With no pressure to do it right - just do it for fun?
You say you have him reading and spelling at home - is this extra homework you are giving him to do? - because if it is I can't think of anything that would take the joy out of more than that.

With our son I played games.
We found books on topics he was interested in.
Dinosaurs, sharks, dragons, wizards, firetrucks, aircraft carriers - if he liked it - we found a book about it.
We had all the Dr Seuss books.
Then I'd read with him - at first I was doing all the reading but he looked at all the pages and I showed words to him and we sounded them out - I wasn't worried about spelling at this point.
Eventually - I would read the odd pages out loud and he would read the even pages.
One night I'd had a cold and my voice was giving out.
Our son said he would read to ME - and he did!
We so loved story time - and we read when ever we had to wait 10 minutes for anything.
I took a book with me every where we went.

In 2nd grade I started reading chapter books with him one chapter per night for bedtime story.
He loved Harry Potter - and since he loved the story so much he didn't mind working at it a little harder to read the story.
By 3rd grade he wanted to read it himself - so he wanted to check it out of the schools library.
His librarian didn't think he could read it - it was very popular but she wasn't going to let someone who couldn't read at that level check the book out - so she tested him and had him read the first few pages out loud to her.
She was so surprised - he had no trouble reading it - and she let him check the book out.
Since the third grade his reading was above his grade level and by middle school he was reading at college level material.
He's 19 now, doing great at college and still enjoys reading for fun.
He now recommends books for me to read.

Good question.

I have a child who fell behind in printing, because she did have some actual fine motor issues. Nothing major - she was left handed and found it hard to print and I didn't realize it was slowing her down in school. At home, where she could take her time, it wasn't an issue. At school, being rushed (and she had a loud teacher who kind of barked "Time's up!") she felt a bit panicky. My kid tends towards a bit of anxiety anyhow, and it just compounded.

We worked with an OT specialist who just said she's fine, it will come, just continues to work with her but keep it FUN and don't make a big deal about it. Progress over perfection as mynewnickname mentions. Empowerment - if that helps to think of it that way.

Sometimes little ones hear something that makes them feel self conscious (my little one is shy so being singled out for her 'messy' work embarrassed her) and then she didn't want to share any more, and it just went from bad to worse. The teacher wasn't very attuned to my kind of kid and the next year was much better. So don't despair. If he's doing well but just lacks confidence, this will come.

We found doing things to help with it outside of school (activities, taking risks etc.) helped too. That age (5-7) is a big developmental age for kids - some are a little slower maturity wise than others. He will catch up :)

Just keep it fun and keep encouraging him.

ETA:
I re-read your post and picked up on something:

"I worry that his confidence will continue to hold him back and that he may even be held back in school when he lacks the confidence when being tested."

What I'm wondering is - is it YOUR anxiety that is the real issue here? You have to watch that. You say he is ok reading and spelling at home and with the tutor. You have to watch that you're not putting your fears on him.

Keep it light, fun, positive and encouraging. Don't overthink this. I have one kid who is not a big reader. He's in high school now making top grades. He did his required reading (school assigned book) and spelling 10 minutes when he got home with his snack, then he read comic-style stories (Captain Underpants) at bedtime (that counted), by second grade he read books on sharks (counted) and then on to Guinness Book of World Records (third grade) and that counted as reading. He read one novel I think all through school and he used that for all his book reports.

how about putting yourself and your son into therapy. a therapist can help him find simple ways to cope with anxiety and will help him to function when anxiety kicks in.
they will also help you learn how to hide your worries so he can't pick up on them, they can help you find ways to cope and help your child instead of letting the anxiety rule over both your lives

Perhaps a better solution than tutoring, since it seems that your son possesses the capability to spell and read but not the confidence required to fulfill tasks, might be role-playing. Maybe the tutor could practice real-world situations with your son, where the tutor works more on performance rather than repeatedly drilling on spelling and reading (taking regular breaths, keeping a calendar of when work is due and checking it off when it's passed in, etc).

My dd has anxiety. When she was younger, it was apparent that she had completed work but it wasn't turned in. She worked very h*** o* a project and I felt that it was complete, that it met all the criteria, and was done well. She received an F on the project. The reason, I learned after talking to the teacher, was that the project was never turned in. But I had watched her work on this and finish it for a couple of days! Well, she had put it under the couch in our living room rather than turn it in, because as I learned, when they turned in their projects, the students had to briefly tell the class about their projects. That was enough to convince my dd that getting an F was preferable to standing up in the front of the class.

Her teacher was compassionate and wise enough to realize that she was very capable of doing the work, and it wasn't worth the anxiety that turning the work in caused. He allowed her to present her work to him privately. He coached her about how to speak in front of a group, how not to worry, told her a couple of stories about when he was nervous in school a couple of times, and finally, she was able to hand in her work along with all her classmates.

I agree that both you and your son would benefit from some short term counseling. It is possible that you are over-compensating for not having parents who were caring and involved, and your son may be picking up on that. You can both meet with a counselor and work together on ways to encourage, how to approach a worrisome task, and how to overcome past hurts and gain confidence.

my advice is to back off. the anxiety is just flooding out of the post, not only from your child but from you. i don't think we always fully appreciate how much our own unspoken fears and worries come through to our kids.

what i fear from reading this is that your son will end up eschewing reading because of the discomfort all this anxiety brings. tutoring, while a sensible recourse on the one hand, is probably exacerbating the feeling that this is a Huge Terrible Awful Big Deal in his mind, and ultimately just making things worse.

reading should be fun. with a kid this upset about the written word i think i'd back off even further than usual and make ME reading to HIM the buzzword. just like when he was very little, let him snuggle in next to you and listen to the stories. if your finger is running along the words his eyes will follow it. don't tell him to, though. just let the love for stories and reading filter back.

it's hard not to let school performance factor in, especially since you do sound like a worrier yourself. but the bigger worry is his lifelong relationship with reading. let the testing and grades go for now. just help him fall in love with words.

i see in your SWH that his teacher called him a liar. i'm curious as to how you got this information. did your son tell you? it's possible that it's true, but it's also possible that his anxiety made it SEEM to him as if that's what she was accusing him of, but was not her actual words.

if the teacher is truly using that kind of language to and about him you need to address THAT. she will surely set him back.

but teachers are rarely this callous, cruel and detrimental to the feelings of their charges. make sure it's an actual thing before you confront her.

i would let the expensive tutor go, and also stop grilling him daily. take the pressure off. let him breathe and relax.

you do the same.
khairete
S.

Edited to add after your 2nd edit:
I just didn't notice the part you wrote about the teacher calling your son a liar - sorry about that. This is just TOTALLY inappropriate. You really NEED to go talk to the principal about this. If you have the note, take it in to show him or her. And discuss your son's anxiety. You might as well. Without doing this, the school is not going to understand him.

A meeting with the guidance counselor might also help.

I want to remind you that your son is in FIRST grade, not a higher level grade. He is still a young child. This teacher doesn't act like she knows what level of development that first graders are on. No matter what though, she has NO business using this word in relationship to a child. And the principal needs to know that she is doing this. She should NEVER do this again.

Original:
I don't know if your son has a learning disability or not. That might be something you will need to have him tested for.

However, I will tell you one thing that is very important for teaching young readers who seem to have problems. Let them read what they LIKE. Does he like comic books? Let him read them. Take him to the library and let him pick out the genre that he's interested in.

My younger son desperately wanted to read the pokemon directions on the pokemon gameboy games. My older son had to read them to him, and got really irritated that his little brother was bothering him about it. So he had a huge incentive to learn to read. In order for this particular child of mine to learn the alphabet and rudimentary reading (before first grade), I accidentally found that a computer game "I Want to Read" by DK (Bear and Penguin, which may no longer be available because it was so long ago) excited my son, and the light bulb turned on because he really liked this game.

I don't particularly like using computer for everything, (or the gameboy back then), but it made a huge difference for my son. It's also cheaper than tutoring.

I'm going through the samething with my son. Hes in kindergarten this year. My son gets so frustrated and lacks confidence with everything. Praising him for every little step seems to be helping. I practice with him everyday even if its only for 5 minutes at a time.

I was a nervous mess in the beginning of the school year because my son is so shy. He wasn't showing his teachers what he really knew. My son is so much smarter than his grades indicate. I don't let that bother me anymore.

Just keep practicing with your son. Make up games to play. That seems to help. Keep supporting him and he will be fine.

I have not read the answers so not sure if someone already suggested .... but try Kumon. You go to the center once or twice a week where your child will do worksheets. They also get worksheets to do at home. You can decide with the Kumon owner how any worksheets you want per day. Over time your child will gain confidence and knowledge. You can sign up for reading or Math or both.