My high functioning spectrum kid doesn't sleep through the night consistently. He is a cuddler. We BF'd till he was 2.5, and I did nurse to sleep a while. I have done the snuggle to sleep thing, weaned to just sitting in the room as he fell asleep. Then we moved this past August and went back to snuggling. I've changed it up a bit, and now I read to him and he falls asleep. He's snuggled against me, often, but I am not "sunggling on purpose" like I was.
He's never been a great sleeper - not sure if it was the snuggle/bf to sleep thing, or just him or both. He has recently started chunks of days in a row of through the night sleeping, but there's a wake up night or two every few days.
I do not want to give up the reading time, so the snuggling is going to be there at bedtime for a while. He wakes and wants me. I can walk him back to his bed and he'll climb right back in and fall right to sleep about 90% of the time. If he wakes up too far, he asks me to stay, and I will stay for a few minutes as he falls asleep, then go back to my own bed (unless I drop like a stone and fall asleep, but I try not to do this).
Hubby is focusing on this a bit more than I am and feels that DS needs to get back to sleep on his own. I'm not sure DS is really awake - he's up, and he's walking, and his eyes are kind of open, but he zombie walks back to bed and drops right asleep most of the time. I do NOT want to start a fight and wake him up by refusing to walking him back to bed. BUT, I don't need an annoyed husband either. Hubby is awake till around 1am and would put DS to bed, but DS wants me. The last thing I want to do is talk about this when it's happening. I just want to get back to sleep without waking up all the way because I don't work from home and have to wake up by 7am.
Honestly, I don't want to give up the reading/snuggles. I think it's good for him. I do want him to be able to fall asleep and STAY asleep, and to be able to go back to sleep without help. I'd love to be able to have a full 7-8 hours.
Any ideas on how to deal with this? How to help DS? How to get DS to let daddy tuck him in? Or is this a time thing? Daddy's afraid that mommy is a soft touch to make up for her cluelessly detached parents NOT being there emotionally. I don't want to overcompensate either, honestly. But if it's no big deal and DS is just different from daddy, then I want to know.
Thanks!
ADD: there's no "fuss" about it when he wakes - I may say "back to bed" as I get up to walk him back, but that's it. Dad said something to me as I was walking back to my bed (conversation? LOL! at this hour? - he wasn't thinking).
No meds, and the waking up isn't every night, but it's at least 3-4 days/week most of the time.
Loving the ideas. I'm going to start tracking/journaling his pre-bed stuff. I'm going to sit in a chair next to the bed and read. Going to get hubby more involved in the routine. I'm going to create a "social story" of bedtime and night-time - DS is a visual learner so it may help him understand the routine. I'll reassure hubby it's kinda normal and to relax about it. :)
Please keep the ideas coming :)
Have you ever given him melatonin? It's natural not a medication. ONe of my sister in laws gives it to two of her kids every night. One if sevearly autistic and the other just has ADHD. You also said you don't know for sure if he's awake. I would address that and try and see if he is or not cause sleep walking could be an entire different issue. My brother used to sleep walk and acording to my husband he was a sleep eater when he was little.
My daughter and I had the exact same issues...minus the spectrum part.
I nursed her until 2 and she fell asleep doing that..she had reflux and would scream otherwise non stop. Between 1 and 2 we only used breastfeeding for bedtime and then when she turned 2 I stopped cold turkey with that. After that we went to M. laying beside her and cuddling but I would fall asleep 90% of the time J. from being still in the dark then we went to singing at 3 and sitting beside her...i somehow still always fell asleep. at 4 i went to reading and still fell asleep. Last year at 5 I went to reading in a chair beside her bed or under it (she has a loft bed). it has helped TONS. Even though I'm still there and reading her to sleep she no longer needs M. to be hugging her or cuddling. Some nights she will wake up and put herself back to sleep and others she will come to our room and we'll walk her back and read a chapter and she's out in a minute other nights she will come into our room and pull the blankets out from under ouyr bed and sleep beside our bed on the floor if she's had a nightmare.
The main thing hte made the huge diference with us is not sitting with her while i read. Also Ive made my fiancee more than aware that she will grow up in no time and im fine with the occassional coming in at night. at first he thought it was a huge deal now almost 3 years later now that she;'s 6 and already getting so big he lets her sneak in some nights too or offers to sleep on the couch so we can have the bed to ourselves if we offer her crashing in our room as a reward rarely on a weekend night
Many spectrum kids struggle with sleep. Think about it... ASD is a neurological disorder... sleep cycles are highly neurologically based. If there's something even a little "off" with the way his body is winding down at night, it will disrupt his sleep schedule.
Couple of questions:
1. Does this happen EVERY night? I ask because you may want to consider a night journal. Record what is happening for the two hours prior to stories and cuddles every night for a month. Look for patterns, especially on the nights when he DOES sleep through the night. That will give you more insight as to what you SHOULD DO rather than STOP doing.
2. Is he on a medication? If so, call the prescriber and let them know that his sleep cycle is off. The meds may be making it worse.
3. Make a "bed time schedule" at post it on his wall. Have rotating nights so that he gets used to having both of you put him to sleep, but make it predictable. It's OK for you both to have different styles, you can create the consistency with the schedule.
4. If he wakes in the middle of the night, walk him back to his bed. Don't lay down with him. Put him in his bed, rub his back for a minute and then walk out. He needs to learn how to soothe himself to sleep without you being snuggled in with him.
My son is 4 and has walked into our room to say walk me back to bed.. I think that is normal.
Sometimes he wants my hubby to lay with him other times he is fine going back to sleep..
We do not necessarly cuddle before bed, but he still comes to us in the middle of the night..
Tell your hubby to back off and he is just a kid.
Just a thought but what if your H came in there with you while you read. If son gets used to him and you share moments in those books, I am thinking it would be an easier transition between both parents. It needs to be something H understands will take time but it's an investment that will pay off beautifully. Kids on the spectrum take extra parenting. It really takes 2 people on the ground, in the trenches. No coaching from the sidelines.
If H has issues understanding S challenges or his role in parenting (a lot of men do), look for a support group near you. Start with your ped or local mental health clinc to find one. People with a special needs child either pull together or pull apart. Don't be the next statistic. Work together.
Well, I don't have a child "on the spectrum" so I cannot speak to whether his need for snuggling is related to that in any way. Perhaps it is, I don't know. It seems your husband doesn't think so, otherwise he would not relate your son's behavior to his own (unless your husband is also on the spectrum?).
But I am a little confused. I don't understand what reading time has to do with him needing you when you walk him back to his bed. Is he falling asleep while you are reading? If so, then you need to finish the story sooner and let him be groggy but go to sleep after you are out of his room.
As far as walking him back to his room, that is perfectly normal (kids not on the spectrum) and is what I'd recommend you continue to do. Don't pick him up or carry him, don't converse with him, keep it all low key and just "escort" him back to his room. Don't cuddle with him. Escort him back, maybe stand at the doorway for a moment (if you can do so without falling asleep standing up), and then go back to bed. He will stop eventually.
But if you carry him, talk to him, comfort him, snuggle with him, sit on the bed with him, etc... then you will prolong it. Because he will then be getting rewarded for getting up. You have to make it not worth it. So far so good, it sounds like.
I get that you'd rather your husband escort him back to his room, though, maybe? Instead of you having to get up. The only way I see that happening, is if your husband intercepts him before he gets to your room. If husband just talks to him from across the room and "tells" him to go back to bed, it won't amount to anything. And once he is in your room, giving it additional attention in any way (calling for husband to come get him, making a production out of refusing to escort him back to his room, etc) just strikes me as counter-productive.
Escort him back (or have Dad intercept him -- and escort him back using the same manner that you do) and eventually it should stop.
Good luck.
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ETA: Just realized, you also asked about Dad being able to tuck him in at night. Does Dad ever read to him? If not, why not? My kids always preferred that I read bedtime stories to them instead of their dad (maybe because he doesn't infuse them with as much "character" as I do, who knows)... but that doesn't mean that Dad never put them to bed. Granted, he did the entire bedtime routine differently than I did. And Dad wasn't always home at bedtime, so it largely fell to me, except on the odd occasion here and there, because it was just easier (for me) to just do it if I was home.
Maybe you could get Dad to put him to bed a few nights on the weekends (while you run out to the store or a movie with the girls or something). So son knows there is no alternative. When they get a "routine" of their own, then Dad can intercept him when he gets up later on.
That will help YOU by putting the onus on Dad. If Dad doesn't want you to schlepp him (escort him) back to bed, and wants you to have a firmer hand, then DAD can intervene by intercepting him and taking care of it. Otherwise, if he is unwilling to step up, then he needs to shut up.
My 2 cents.
My daughter was over 5 before she started sleeping through the night without waking up like this. (she's now 5.5). We do snuggle and read before bedtime. Some nights - like last night, she asked for 3 more minutes and I said okay. Other nights she falls right asleep. Main issue is she knows I will not stay in there UNTIL she is asleep (used to be the case until she was 2.5). However, I WILL escort her back to her bed and lay with her...no matter how many times she wakes me at night. This is just something I want to do and feel I should do. Many women/men have differing opinions on what is right for them and their child. Maybe your hubby differs on you from this (I know mine does). But as with you, my kids WANT me in the middle of the night, want ME to put them to bed (sure dad CAN do it - but they ask for me). So if I were you, I'd continue to do this. There may be a point where he out grows this. If not, it may result in less sleep for you, but he'll grow up knowing he has a secure/loving mother and being on the spectrum, this may be something he really craves/needs in his life. Also it's something he's USED to..it's stability for him. I would not remove that from his life unless it's detrimental to your sleep or relationship with hubby, which it doesn't seem to be. Just my opinion. You have to do what works best for you!!!
