Sister-In-Law Issues-venting

Honestly, I would deal with her the same way I deal with my mother. I don't go to her house and the only time we get together is at family get togethers, never alone. I ESPECIALLY wouldn't have my 5 year old around a woman constantly talking about how fat I am and putting all those body image issues in my daughter's head.

I learned to "enjoy" difficult people by watching sitcoms like The Office and realizing how genuinely funny some folks are. I don't even have to pay for a subscription for the ones who are already in my life. Changing my attitude changed everything. There's no way to change the other person (with the possible exception of caring for them enough to help them change – but there's no guarantee).

Some people are even too messed up for that, though. I just spend as little time around them as possible.

You cannot change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I wouldn't tolerate the disrespect to my kids. As for the snide weight comments, I would have some snappy comebacks ready. I'd also not take her seriously. When she goes on a rant, I'd laugh and say something like, "Tough day?" or "Gee, you seem more miserable than usual. Want to talk about it?" All the while with a smile on my face.

WHY do you go to her house? WHY do you have anything to do with her? WHY do you take your kids over there? WHY do you go shopping with her? WHY don't you say "I don't want to hear it" when she says ugly things about your weight?

You really need to stop having anything to do with her. Her husband doesn't like her behavior. I'm sure he would come to your house without her.

She's insecure and can only feel better about herself by putting others down. She's toxic. Whether this is related to her upbringing, her distorted body image, her infertility, or some trauma, is unclear. No one can help her unless and until she wants to help herself. That's between her and her husband. You are right to feel badly for her, but wrong to think there's anything you can do about it. All you can control is your own life.

Since she says you ruin the family gatherings, stop having them. Really. What's the point? She doesn't like people in her house because of her valuable dishes and toilet paper, so stop going. Decline any and all invitations. She doesn't enjoy them, the rest of you don't enjoy them, the kids are being yelled at and disciplined by a bitter person, and the kids are being exposed to a lot of racist talk. I have no idea why you would go clothes shopping with her if she's bad-mouthing you to your kids. I have no idea why she would be involved in your house-hunting or even knowing which houses you have seen or not seen. Stop telling her these things or taking her along.

No way I would allow someone to take my children's hands and walk off with them while she is putting me down. Your children are getting the impression that their mom has no backbone and that it's okay to give in to a bully - that's not what you want for them.

If she asks, you can be gentle and say that she's right, things haven't been much fun lately so it's time to take a break. You can be a little stronger and say that you won't have your children subjected to bullying, negative comments about their mother, or bad comments about this ethnic group or that one. You can be in-her-face and tell her she's mean and vindictive and racist, but it won't do any good.

You can change her - you can just stop giving her an audience for these antics. Don't engage - ignore. Teach your children not to put up with people when they behave this way - they can be compassionate but that doesn't mean they (and you) are doormats.

Well, if everyone knows she's like this, you don't have to do anything. She's digging her own grave, isn't she? If she were my SIL, I would routinely roll my eyes at her and go on with my business. All you can do is feel sorry for her and don't let her behavior affect your emotions. She seems like a truly unhappy woman, but you can't change that. She has to want to change that herself. The way you deal with her is by NOT dealing with her. Let her rant and rave, then shrug and walk away. Poor woman, missing out on the joys of life and family.

If she won't let your kids use toilet paper, show them how to scootch on the carpet like dogs. Bet she'll prefer to foot the bill for toilet paper....
She sounds like a nut job. Avoid.

I need to know, what did she want you to use instead of toilet paper?

I would just avoid this woman. Do not hang out with her, go shopping with her etc. (I love my SIL, but I have never gone shopping with her and she has been part of my family for 30 years.) Do the obligatory family functions with her, but even then find someone else to talk to. When she says inappropriate things, correct her. Say "that's not an appropriate thing to say.", just like you would tell your child. Then walk away.

I definitely would NOT "cut and paste and hand this to her" as someone suggested, nor would I tell her every time "If you can't say something nice..." Those things would just fuel her fire and make her worse. She is dying for constant attention, and calling her out on her totally self-centered and grasping, materialistic behaviors will only give her the attention she wants and in her mind will give her a reason to trash you further.

Limit all contact with her. It sounds as if you must live close to her since you seem to spend time at her house, at family gatherings she attends, etc. Sorry about that; geographic distance really does help. So since you live too near her, be too busy to see her other than at gatherings that are neither at your house nor at her house -- why on Earth would you want to ever take your kids to her home anyway, since she spends all your time there yelling at your kids and talking about her expensive toilet paper?

Next time she invites you over: Be. Too. Busy. Unless it's a case of her hosting something truly major involving other family members who are NOT jerks (for instance, your MIL's birthday dinner), don't go! "Sorry, but Child has a [birthday party, preschool event, game, whatever] but we'll see you next month when we all meet at Other Brother's house for the Memorial Day picnic." Or: "Sorry, but we have plans that day/night/weekend." No explanations needed.

You have to have your husband on board with this, though, or you will be made out to be the evil villain SIL. Make sure he, too, sees that this woman is toxic. Point out to him that she belittles his children and treats them like trash unfit to be in her perfect home.

If he says "But I want to do things with my brother," tell him it's time he saw his brother without SIL present. Encourage them to do guys-only outings, to see those movies you don't care to see, to do stuff they have in common, whatever. Promote it to him as brother time rather than as SIL-free time.

I'm not clear on why you're trying on clothes with her there, either. Were you out shopping and took her along with your kids along too? Or were you trying on clothes at your home, or hers? I'd stop that right now, and would never shop with this woman since she's obsessed with comparing herself to you and with the cost of everything. She is modelling horrible behaviors for your child. Telling a five-year-old that mommy's figure isn't good enough would have been the last straw for me. Great way to start kids thinking about body image.

Truly, she is a pitiful and sad person and part of me would want to feel sorry for her, because she feels so insecure and small and worthless on some level that she must build herself up by putting others down. That's sad, but her behaviors -- especially toward your children and in front of your children -- go too far. Stop seeing her, as much as you can. If she starts to ask why you arent' seeing her, just smile, shrug, and say, "Well, as the kids get older, they have more activities and so do we as a family, so our time's fuller these days." That's true, and the activities will indeed increase as your kids grow up.

I had a friend somewhat like that, not near as bad though. However, she would make snide comments about how thin she was and how she noticed I would eat when I was stressed, and other comments that were not helpful but meant to pick at me and make her feel superior. For years I put up with it, all in the name of "being the better person" and "we have a lot of history, so I will stay friends with her and not say anything rude back". My friends and family all asked over and over why I put up with it. Finally I had enough of being used, I cut her out of my life. I just started being too busy and then eventually we lost contact. Now I am surrounded with REAL friends that do not put me down, and I wonder how I put up with her horrid personality so long.
I know it is harder when you are family, but you need to put some serious distance between you. I agree with all the prior advice - be too busy, get together only when it is a big family event that everyone is supposed to attend. And, stand up for yourself. I thought that "not saying anything back" was the right thing to do, but what it really did is make me a doormat. I had a lot of resentment and honestly, the one thing I feel bad about is I cut that lady out of my life and never told her why- because at that point I was so angry after years of being a doormat that it would have sounded crazy to let it all loose at her, ya know? I think that when she makes these horrible comments, you need to stare at her like she has 2 heads and say "why on earth would you say something like that?" and walk away. She needs to be called out on her behavior each time and you need to not give her the opportunity to belittle you, if you can, by not communicating with her except a polite hello and goodbye at family functions.
It is not your job to fix her and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Good luck.

Here's my experience with negative people:

They do NOT admit to being negative, no matter how much evidence you present to them. The most they will do is blame everyone else for their behavior. And you will probably be the best target if you are the one pointing it out.

My only advice is to avoid her. Don't spend time with her. Don't talk to her. Your best defense is to guard yourself and your family from that nonsense.

You need to simply and as much as possible stay away from her. Do not do anything with her, don't be around her. Even when there are family functions stay away---either don't go or keep it very simple when you see her, 'hello and goodbye'. Take your children away if she starts to say something to them. She has some big problems and they aren't going away any time soon. And who knows if they'll even stay married.

You really don't want your kids around a person like this and you really don't want to divulge anything to this kind of person. Keep it light when you have to deal with her. If you don't get yourself together and decide how to handle this positively within your own self it will be a growing problem. You can't control her but you can control yourself, you can decide to know who you are and be positive. Your children are watching and living this and it will affect them. You're letting her get the best of you. She's caught up in her own little drama, don't be a part of it. Be the captain of your ship.

And btw when she said the dress would look better on her and you wanted to laugh --- Laugh. Let yourself laugh and be happy. See her as a sad but humorous person and find the humor. Develop the habit of sincerely blessing her and leave her alone, walk away.

Don't let her get away with it. Tell her that her comment was rude and unneeded.

Make sure you and hubby are on the same page though. Any comment you make can cause a family fall out. He needs to be on your side totally and willing to cut all ties with his family if it comes down to a split.

Just don't spend much time with her.
You can spend time with your BIL by having him over to your house, your family can meet him somewhere for lunch/dinner, etc.
There is no reason to do anything with her or have your kids around her.
Branch out to other social groups that she has nothing to do with.
Have a life that minimizes her role in it so that what she does/says becomes so insignificant it won't matter.
She must be a very insecure person who has to put down everyone around her in order to make herself feel important.
I might feel sorry for her (and her husband) but I wouldn't have much contact with her.

Why are you giving this situation this much of your energy? I suggest you've gotten sucked into game. Reread what you've wrote. When you tell how she's comparing what you do with what she does you are also comparing what you do with what she does. You said you have a better figure, you're looking at a bigger house. Just ignore what she says. I suggest that both of you are insecure focusing on things instead of how to love each other. Sympathize with her in your mind knowing that she feels she's not good enough on her own. She builds herself up with having better things. And you're in competition with her by using your things. Try ignoring her comments. Let them pass on by.

She sounds difficult to be around. She's family and so you will be around her at times. You might find being with her easier if you can develop a sympathetic understanding of her. Smile, be gracious, express sympathy when you aren't able to avoid her. This may reduce some of her comments. I suggest she doesn't feel heard which causes her to repeat and repeat hoping someone will hear her. When you acknowledge what she says she may eventually reduce the number of times she says it. An example when she criticizes the house you're looking at tell her she might be right. Agree with her whenever possible or ignore what she says. You don't have to pay attention to what she says. Don't feed into her comparison.When she says a plate I expensive say you'll be careful. It doesn't matter what it cost.

I apologize in advance, because I haven't read through the other responses. She sounds like quite a woman...very unhappy. :(

There were lots of things that I could say about this, but I am going to just pick one thing that really bothers me and that is the treatment of and around your children.

It is important to show compassion for others and to teach that to your children. It is also just as important to show your children that every person deserves to be respected. When your 5 year old daughter has her aunt making comments about how you don't look good in something and that it would look better on someone who looks like her, this can lead to issues for your daughter in the future. At age 5 your daughter is learning what is beautiful and you need to make sure that she understands that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Her ultra thin aunt doesn't need to be her ultimate goal of who she should look like when she grows up. Furthermore, of all conversations that you are avoiding with your SIL, the one that I WOULD consider having is the talk about how impressionable your young daughter is.

Good luck!

you're stuck with family to some degree, but you can also have boundaries. you're obviously not going to change her, so simply curtail the contact severely, and make sure you have good psychic shielding in place when you can't avoid her.
i mean, what else can you do?
the only thing i think you really need to focus on is how you allow her to deal with your kids. if someone told my kids to shut up i'd respond something along the lines of 'marybelle, that's not how we address issues with our kids. please bring the problem to me if you can't speak to them courteously. kids! you're being too noisy for aunty marybelle. time to go play outside.'
no way would she be permitted to stop my kids from holding my hand if i felt it was necessary.
you can have pleasant, firm boundaries without causing friction, but don't be so afraid of a meltdown that you let your kids get bossed or denigrated.
everyone has family members with whom they don't mesh well. i just make sure i'm not ever stuck in close proximity with mine. it's easy enough to say cheerful hellos and goodbyes at bigger family functions without having to interact too closely.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Of course limit your exposure to this toxic hag, but when you do HAVE to be around her put her in line.
You can very calmly and with CLASS (something she lacks) let her know that her negative comments and Nasty attitude are unnecessary. If you're at your home and she yells at your kids or puts you down, I'd say with a HUGE smile on my face "Obviously you are in foul mood, so we are going to leave. Hope you feel better soon" and get the H outta there! Same if she's at your house...."Time to cut this visit short. Let me know another time when you feel up to enjoying a visit. Bye!"
Ugh.....can't stand people like that! SAD!! You should feel sorry for her LOL What a miserable exsistance!

Most of us have family members like this and there isn't much you can do, but to continue to ignore them.

My aunt and uncle told me long ago that one of my cousins is jealous of me and I was in shock asking how could this be true, when she has everything I have and even bigger and more. In my opinion, it has nothing to do with the monetary things, the assets, or the physical appearance of anything. It is something within that person. It is sad and I don't know how to possibly begin to help a person like this.

I can tell you, it starts young and mostly with girls. I never noticed such a thing in K or 1st grade, but in 2nd grade it was on. There was nothing but competition. My daughter plays hockey and runs with both boys and girls. The boys could care less if she gets new hockey gloves or skates, but let her get a new sparkly figures skating dress (which they all wear) and about 7 girls can tell her what's wrong with the color, the fit, the sparkle, the shine, and her. The boys don't care if her stomach is not as perfect as her legs, but those girls will all tell her she is fat and not as perfect as them.

My only advice to you is to get up and walk away from it, pop a can of soda, turn up the TV, or avert the attention anywhere else than on her negativity to save your own soul!

Coming from experience, if you give attention to this negativity, you will find yourself feeding her misery and putting her down right back. I am not normally like that, but have caught myself firing right back. It takes a bit of focus to turn the cheek.

Best wishes.

Here's a kooky suggestion.....

Every time (and I mean EVERY time) she says something mean, just repeat the old Thumper mantra... "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all" .........

Don't know if it will help any, but it might start getting to her. At any rate, it might help defuse it a bit.

Also... be sure to talk to your children about what not to say to other people... start using this as a teaching moment for your kids.... later, when SIL isn't around, repeat the conversations with your daughter, and ask your daughter how she thought that might make someone feel, to have that comment (about how a dress looks) made to them.

She sounds nuts. Just carry on with your own life, and with the rest of your family and ignore anything that comes out of her mouth. If you must go to her place, leave the dog at home and take your own toilet paper.

What a nut job.

Stay away from her as much as possible. Why go shopping with someone you know is only going to criticize everything you try on? Don't go to her house to visit, and at family gatherings elsewhere, interact with her as little as possible.

She's a snobby biatch with poor boundaries. If your daughter were hanging out with a mean girl like her, you'd tell her to find someone else to hang out with. Do the same for yourself.

We all have these kind of family member to deal with. Total avoidance is not healthy for the family as nice as that would be. While I get you need to vent, life will be better for everyone if you treat her with grace she does not deserve. As far as insecurity, hers is over the top. Which is kind of nice, because its laughable and not that ever so slight backhanded poo the rest of us deal with. It seems that the people around you all have her number and no one takes her seriously. Be a friend to her and don't confront her unless its really necessary (don't let her treat your children badly). Avoid her when you can, suck it up when you have to. Consider you BIL in all of this. You will make his life better if you can let her comments roll off.

I'm really having a hard time understanding why you continue to spend time with her, subject your children to her. That makes you the crazy one. She's gonna be who she is, and you are not even bound to her by blood. Instead of trying to figure out how to deal with her, you should be trying to figure out how to stay away from her. DO NOT go shopping with her. Only see her at large family gatherings. Even then, stay on the opposite end of the room/yard/whatever the space. You should value yourself and your children more than this. You do not OWE her any piece of you. Give her the respect and compassion that she should receive just by virtue of being human, and leave her alone. Stay away from her.

It's unfortunate that my husband and his brother don't get to do double dates with their wives, but his wife is a loon, and I just can't stand to be with her like that. She can't stand me, either. When she came at me with the whole compare-contrast thing, I walked away. We already weren't gelling, and that was a major turn-off. No, I will not participate in whose ring/house/body/party is bigger/better. When that would come up, I would just disengage. It kind of escalated from there, and I told her off. Now, we have an understanding. I do not go to her house, and she does not come to mine. We see each other at certain family gatherings. I say hello, and she might say hello back. Then, we're done. Sometimes that's just what it is.

She's unhappy with how her life turned out.

I would of course limit my exposure, but with family that is not always possible. For the most part I would ignore her, but when she said things in front of my kids, or to my kids, I would speak up with a quickness. She is teaching your kids lessons you don't want them to learn, and they need to see you stand up for yourself, stand up for them, and have you explain why what SIL said was rude and what a better way to talk to people is.

Well, her own DH won't take her anywhere anymore, so she's basically become her own misery. I wouldn't take the kids to her house anymore, because it is detrimental to them and who needs to be yelled at about toilet paper? I would spend as little time with her or worrying about her as possible. She sounds like a very very miserable person who tries to bring everyone else down to her level of misery. I wonder if she's depressed or has an eating disorder (I was down to 93lbs and frankly could not get pregnant so maybe her weight is part of her problem) and needs medical care. I would suggest that my DH talk to his brother about that possibility. As for everything she says to you, you can give her minimal answers or no answer at all. If she goes on a racist rant, tell her you find her rant offensive and then leave the room. There are those in my family I agree to disagree with and only see them when we are at a mutual function, like Grandma's birthday. And then, oh darn, I need to chase my kid. Gotta go. :P

Copy, paste, print and hand this to her-that is a start. She is sad and deranged and she has a void in her life that cannot be filled. I feel sorry for her and you. Were I you, I would not spend any time with her-and I sure as Hell would not allow her to tell my children to shut-up; nor would I allow her to critisize them-ever!!!

I would be very tempted to say when she starts saying mean things, "SIL, don't speak to me in that manner. I will not tolerate it anymore." and then leave. When she does that with my kids I would say "don't every speak to my children like that again. If you have any issue with them, speak to me".

I would say that several times. She knows she can get away with it. It is amazing to me how some family members walk on eggshells regarding others. We have it in our family and it is so annoying. I don't do it.

She sounds horrible...sorry for you. My sil is nice. There is no meaness in her what so ever. However they don't have kids and for the last 12 yrs they lived 20 min away. We see them normally 1-2 times a yr. My bil and sil were wonderful to my in laws when they were alive...took the to dr appt on a reg basis. Now are moving 5 states away they keep asming us to visit. We are going to visit...we are looking forward to it. They also have no kids.

I agree in not dealing with certain things like being called fat or having my kids getting yelled at/ told shut up and having racist comments about others pushed in their face or mine. It's not like those are "opinions" it's down right rude and shows no respect! There is a line and she crossed it. Spend less time with her and when she again tells your kids to shut up stand up for them.

Better yet teach THEM to say it's not nice to tell others to shut up.

Kids need to know how to show respect but they deserve the same.

Wow, she sounds like a peach. I'd just stop socializing with them except for maybe once or twice a year. I would just kind of avoid her and try not to talk to her...she sounds extremely annoying. I'd be polite when I had to talk to her. I would ignore what comes out of her mouth since you know it will be negative.