"Single" Married Mom - Seeking Other Moms in Similar Situation.

Need to swap and share w/ mom's in the same or similar situations.....i.e. watching the child while you go to the gym, grocery shopping, etc.

This can help build relationships for both you and the children involved. Find a co-op where you might also share things like meal prep, etc. They are out there!

If you are a stay at home mom I assume that you don't work. Why don't you move to the location of his job? The job market is bad right now, so finding a new job may be very difficult. I know it is hard to relocate, especially with a child, but the younger you move her the easier it will be. She won't even remember it at 16 months. We have relocated 5 times in my son's 5 years and are getting ready to do it again. Its not that bad, just get involved in things, having kids makes it so easy to meet people.

Ah, I thought I had coined the term married single mom! I was recently married in September 2007 after my first husband passed away. I have two children of my own - boy age 4 and girl age 7. He has three children - boy age 10 and twin boys age 8. I live in Indianapolis and he lives in Illinois - about 90 minutes away. We only get to see each other on weekends, and every other weekend there is quite a bit of driving since he has to take his kids to see their mom.

One of the ways we andle it is that we have a scheduled time to talk each night. we spend part of it discussing issues of the day, and part of it working on us as a couple. We have picked several books to work through - 5 Love Languages, 1001 Questions for Couples, Making Your Second Marriage Work, books about raising blended families and we talk about them. We also just each got journals that we write things in and share. We start off each day with a quick phone call and email too - the call initiated by me and the email by him.

On weekends, we try to divide up responsibilities for cooking and cleaning and making sure we have alone couple time. Or sometimes we each are "responsible" for planning a night - I'll do Friday and he'll do Saturday. You really have to plan to have time to yourself - get a babysitter or grandma or someone to talk the kids for a bit.

My mom and dad also do this - my dad does consulting in another state. I know how small those B&B with no kitchen are! But you either need to see if he can spend a bit more $$ on something bigger that can accommodate you, him and your duaghter when you visit (or just you and him) - and also see if you have some opportunity to visit alone. If he gets a bigger place, then maybe you can spend some longer time there if you only work one day a week.

Finally, it is important to get yourself on a schedule and when you are on your own to have time for just you - whether it be a mom's day out program or something so that you have a bit of sanity as well!

Hoep this helps in some way, but realize you are not alone. Feel free to contact me at anytime to vent with another married single mom!

K. Skinner

Hello A., First let me say it takes a strong woman to be a single mom but I think it takes an even stronger woman to be a single married one. Can't get alot of the extra "help" that you can being single. Children have ALOT of questions that are very difficult to answer. And you have a committment to another person that isn't "there". Not to mention the issues of jelousy that can sometimes creep up. I am a single married mother of 3 with another one due in september. My husband has been an over the road truck driver for over 2 years now. He only gets to come home to us on Saturdays and then leaves out again on sundays. I thought it would get easier and it has on me but not so much my children. Especially "daddy's little girl". We have been looking diligently for another job for him but there just isn't anything out there that pays decent money to someone that doesn't have a college education. Daddy calls every morning before school and every night before bed. If there is an issue with the kids daddy is called and put on speaker phone and we still deal with it as a couple. This way he is a constant daily fixture in their lives and mommy is not always seen as the "mean mommy" and I'm not the only one doing all the diciplining. In the beginning I would leave to have some quiet time alone when he got home but I've since stopped that because I've realized that spending time with him and our family was more important. I still have little breakdowns but now I just go into my room and take a timeout while he deals with the kids. In the beginning I was ready to throw in the towel but thankfully I had someone that made me look at things in a different way. Other than his job, he is an awesome husband and an even better father. I had to weigh out the pros and cons and his pros WAY outweighed his cons. You will have good days and you will have bad days but hopefully you will not always be in this situation. Try to distance yourself from negative people because as they talk to you, you will start believing the garbage they are saying and it will effect your marriage. Also try to find something you can be involved in once a week. Volunteer at the local elementary school. Take a class at the library or YMCA. Join a womens bible study at your church. Anything, but just do one thing for you. You will immediately feel better (and it's a great way to get to know people.) Hope I've helped. There really are no miracle answers. It's really just an attitude of the heart. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

If you are staying at home anyhow, why not move to where he works? It seems that the commute and housing for him must be a real toll on your family as well!

Hi A.. I completely understand what you are going through. I too am a single married mom. I've been married for 4 1/2 years but my husband is a truck driver and only home once a week. I have an almost 3 year old son and a 9 week old baby son. It's very difficult being alone all the time and doing this around the clock with no real break. I had to go through my 2nd pregnancy alone while also taking care of a toddler. It was rough as I had horrible morning sickness and I was also going to school part time as well. I never imagined my life being this way or being mostly a single mom either. We can't afford for him to get a local driving job at this point in our lives so this situation will go on for at least another 5 years.
My husband stays close to our boys by reading bedtime stories via our cell phones every night. My oldest especially gets very excited when daddy comes home and talking on the phone to him has really helped them stay connected.
It's nice to know there are others (like you) in the same situation so we can support each other!!

Hey totally understand where you are coming from. My husband is in the military. He deployed to afgahnistan when the baby was 9 months and my oldest was 2. He ended up extend for an extra 4 months. Total time he was gone 16 months. Be happy you have him on the weekends. Relationships like this can only make us strong as women. I totally didn't expect raising the kids on my own either. And after he came home he moved down here and we came 3 months after. So i did pretty much 2 years being mommy and daddy. With military we depend on our friends and family to hopefuly be their as needed. And take one day at a time. Let me know if ya need a friend!

A., I know that can be tough, why dont you move to where he works, it seems that would be cheaper and more family oriented.
If you are frustrated now, adding more kids to the picture would just frustrate you more.
If you don't want to move find some activities to do with you and your baby. What about MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) they meet in local churches. Do some research, find out what is out there. working together with your husband to find the right balance is always imporant in a good marriage, you can do it, just take a deep breathe and enjoy the wonderful times with your child because they go by so fast

Been there, done that!
My husband is currently working out of state, again...
I don't really have any advice to give you. Maybe you could move to the place where the work is? That may not be an option, it is not in my case as the work is never in the same place for very long.
I basically raised all three of our kids alone, and I don't think I did a very good job of it. They're all teenagers now and not very nice to live with anymore.
You really need to talk about this situation with your husband and find a solution. It is probably just as frustrating for him.
Maybe a lower paying job for him and you could work outside the home to even things out?
Two parents who are married and love each other is definately better than the alternative, even if only one is home with the kids, but children really benefit from both parents being involved in their lives.

Have you considered moving to where he is working? Seriously. It is bad enough when a mother or father is working first shift and the other parent is working second shift. I did that for 10 years of my married life. Just when things started to go right and we were both working the day shift my husband died. Now I am raising a child alone and am presently out of work.
Is there more to this than you are telling us?
There are people in the service who don't see their partners at all for months on end. They manage, but it isn't easy for them either. They don't even have the spouse on weekends.
I would definitely not bring another child into the situation at this time when you are having problems dealing with it at this time.
No two pregnancies are alike. I had morining sickness with my fourth pregnancy and none at all with my fifth. The first three ended in miscarriages, one at the four month mark and none of them were the same either. You can't judge how you will physically react to the next pregnancy by the first one.
The job situation is bad right now almost everywhere. I can feel your pain but at least he has a job and can support the family.
I hope you can find a circle of other women in the same situation you are in and that they will become close friends so that you can all assist each other and comfort each other.
P. R

Hi A.,

Definately find a local group of moms and kids - good friends for you and your daughter will make a huge difference. Also, you don't say how far your husband's work is, but could you drive to spend a couple of days near him? See another place, spend days exploring and evenings with your husband. Or maybe he could approach his employer about working 4 10-hour days, giving him an extra day to be home with you. My husband does this, and some employers offer this option to working moms, so why not dads? Good luck!

Though my husband isn't gone all week like yours, I still know how you feel about being a "single" married mom. My husband is a medical resident, and these past four years have been hard for me. It was a little easier before our son was born because I worked full-time, so I had something to keep me busy during the day. However, after our son's birth and I started staying home full-time, it seemed to get even harder, especially since our families live out of state. I remember when our son was a couple of months old and my husband worked a night shift for the entire month. Basically, we saw him for a little bit on the weekends when he wasn't sleeping. Even now when he just works during the day, it can still be difficult because we never know when he'll be home, and his call weekends are the worst when he spends much of his time in the hospital. I think what's saved my sanity the most is having a great group of mom's in the area to meet with each week. I actually met them through this website, and we've had so much fun meeting at our homes or other places in the area. Some of us also have separate play dates outside of the group. My husband and I also became members of the local children's museum (COSI), and I take my son there every once in a while to get out of the house. There's also a playground within walking distance of us and a park not too far away. I like to try to find things that would be fun for both of us. Also, I tried to find fun hobbies that I could do on my own, like taking belly dancing lessons or taking beading/jewelry classes. Sometimes, I had to get a babysitter if my husband wasn't available, but it was always worth it. It still can be very lonely during the day, but I've found that it really helps to just get out of the house and do something around other people. I hope this helps, and good luck!

I am dating the father of my 2 year old twins and as I type this he is going out of town for 2-3 weeks for work. This will be the longest out of town since they were born but it is hard. Granted our children were a surprise but for his job he can make more money by the jobs out of state. Luckily my family is close by for support. Hang in there.

I totally know how you feel. We moved here about two years ago and my husband has a job where he travels during the week. I go to school, so the only people I to are either 18 or my 3 year old. I wish I had some advice, but I still struggle with it every day. I have to fight telling him that I'm moving back home sometimes. I know what you mean when this was not what you envisioned, but I try to make the most of it. Oh, did I mention that I'm 12 weeks pregnant so the hormones don't make it any easier! I know this wasn't exactly a pick-me-up, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone!

M.

Trust me I know the Single married mom scene so well. I raise my two boys 6 months of the year. My husband has already been gone on buisness 2 months of this year overseas. I'm also young and do not live close to relatives and sometimes estranged from my in laws. My advice to you is find a regular babysitter for 2-3 nights a week. or swap babysitting with friends. This has helped me tremendously as I wait for my husband to come home. He was gone 5-6 months last year and I love him and his job makes us able to do things we would never dream about. Read Dr.Laura Schlenigers book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" Its cute and great perspective I don't agree with all of her advice but her point of view to be happy and satisfied when other women are complaining about nothing turns into a bad marriage.
Trust me its not easy. But really making your own schedule and life will make 5 day seem easier. webcams are great as well for lil girl to see her dad.
It gets old I know...but start really trying to stay active and busy in your own way so you have plenty to talk about when the weekend comes.
I hope this was helpful and trust me I struggle with this alot but knowing that your child has one parent they have fulltime is so beneficial.
Good Luck!
M. E

2 boys 3 and 20 months...just making it through one day at a time!

My advice is similar to what you have been reading. There are many mom's clubs out there based on where you live. If you need help finding one call me, 614/880-1392, I live in Powell.
Also, get a sitter during the week when he is gone. You need two or three hours to yourself to do whatever you need to do.
If you can't find somebody in your neighborhood, go to The Sitter Connection, they are good and do thorough background checks.
Good luck, M.

Personally I don't see how you do it!!! You have more patience and understanding than I do. My husband teaches during the day then referees volleyball and basketball at night so during those 2 seasons he is gone all day 4-5 days a week. I could not stand it. I ended up making him give up some of his games so he could be home more. The best I can tell you is utilize family and friends as much as you can. Let them help out. Also get out of the house. Go to the library, park, walk around the mall, join the YMCA. The YMCA has child care free with membership (for 1- 1 1/2 hours) while you exercise and get some time to yourself. Do everything you can to find other moms so the kids can have "playtime" and you can fellowship with other moms. Hope this helps.

Although I am not in your shoes, I did grow up with my dad only flying home on weekends. My mom raised 4 children basically on her own. My parents did an amazing job of not making us feel that dad was gone so much. My advice to you would be to find a mom's group to join in your area. Although, my husband is home every night, he still doesn't get home until 8pm or so. I have two boys (4 and 5) and I have felt overwhelmed and alone before. I finally realized that there are other SAHM like me and I made the effort to make bonds with these women. They are my sanity at times and they always understand what you're going through.

Dear Dear Dear A., Did it EVER cross your mind to pack up and go to the new state your husband is working in all week (alone?)and live there? If he is against it then I would start checking out why. It is not normal for a new dad to want to be away all week for his new baby. Open youe eyes girlfriend....

My husband is in the Navy and I can understand where you are coming from. He just joined and has been gone for 4 weeks and we've only been able to communicate with letters and 1 (YAH) phonecall this past Saturday.
Before the Navy he worked in a factory swing shift and there were weeks I only saw him a few minutes before bed. People think it's funny when we tell them that he joined the Navy to spend more time with us but it's true. (I'm not suggesting your husband do this because I know it would be harder at his age.)
If the market is bad in your area for his job, have you thought about relocation?
When your daughter gets older she's gonna wonder why daddy isn't around. I have a 3 year old and a 22 month old and they don't understand where Daddy is and exactly why he's gone.
As much as I am gonna miss my family, whom I've lived around my entire life, I really want my kids to spend more time with their daddy, so relocating is what we're gonna live with.
If that isn't something you can do how about a different job? This may mean a paycut but you have to weigh your options.

My advice is for your husband to consider modifying the type of job he'd be willing to accept locally. I'm assuming his current job requires that he travels to various locations, and since these types of jobs typically pay better, making a change would most likely mean a lower salary. But if you start NOW to adjust your lifestyles -- as if you were living on a tighter budget -- the switch won't be quite as dramatic. (Building up your savings in the mean time would also be beneficial.) If you want a more traditional family life together, this is a difficult sacrifice the two of you should consider making. No one likes settling for less money, but please consider a husband and father who is home more over the extra money he earns as a result of being away. It's better to make the change now, earlier in his career; because as time goes on, it gets harder and harder to do. When my husband switched jobs, our family was truly blessed by it. It's been five years and we've adjusted financially and grown increasingly closer because of it. I wish the same for you and your family.

Hello, my heart definetly goes out to you. I was in your situation before, my husband left out of state when I was 7 months pregnant and with a 3 year old at home. He too would come home just for the weekends and after my daughter was born and he was gone I thought I was going to go crazy with no sleep or no help. But it's so hard because they are a good father and husband and there just doing there job and working hard to give us the things we want we feel like we have no room to complain. If your planning on having other children and he can't get another schedule you have to make it work somehow. Just talk things out and maybe you both can come to an understanding. I know it's easier said than done but if your happy with him you shouldn't put your life on hold. If you need help don't be afraid to ask or don't think that you can handle everything because that will drive you crazy. Good Luck! If you need help you can email me ____@____.com my name is K..

I know how you feel. Throughout the week I feel like a single parent because my husband and I work opposite shifts. I do work, so I get a break my attention being sought by my 8 month old son and my dog - though I'd rather be at home full time. I keep praying that my husband will be able to move to a 1st shift position soon. I can't imaging adding another child to this mix before he does get on 1st shift, though I do want more children.

I guess I don't any any advice except prayer and keep talking to your husband about what it's like for you - especially when it's really getting too you. Also, if you can, see if you can get someone to come and give you a break - family or friends. I love it when my mom can visit. I still may be here, but those extra set of hands are wonderful!

Does he work the same place all the time, or does he move around? Can you move to where he's working or at least go on the road with him sometimes? My one son works for a company that works in one area a few months & then moves to another area for a few months....etc. She has stayed local because she works too & their one child has a medical condition that requires therapy every week. If not for this, she would go with him at least some weeks. She took her vacation & drove where he was one time. God Bless you! I raised 5 boys with a husband that worked 6-7 days a week & only made it home most nights to tuck them in bed. I was thankful he did this because after meeting all their needs all day by myself, I needed to not do something.

i lived in the crawfordsville area & have a pretty clear view of what you're going through. my husband has a steady 7am-6pm job m-f, and he's not done when he finishes there, if he has work that he can do in his shop at home then he comes home about 7p & is out there until 10 or so, if not then he goes to where the work is and it's still about 10 or so when he gets in. we have been married 7 yrs this may & have a 5yr old son & 5mo old daughter. i can tell you it is a very hard life, if you're committed you'll make it. i just keep telling myself it's all worth it in the end. if you need to chat/vent i'm home quite a bit. good luck!

Hi A.. I do not know the details of your situation, but there are a couple of options. 1) Move closer to your husband's career. 2) Seek options for your husband's career to be closer to home. 3) Continue with the present situation- and grace to endure it. Like I said, I do not know the details- perhaps your husband feels as you do.
Best wishes!

I'm in the same boat, too. Accepting a "local" position is not even remotely the answer - HUGE drop in pay, coupled with more $$ for health insurance/benefits.. moving is not an option, because his location will be changing again.. it will end, there is a light, sometimes, it just is farther away than we need it to be. Email me @ ____@____.com, I'm in Avon if you want to talk further.. I'm 33 w/ a 6yo daughter and 4yo son.. C.

It is really hard at first but things do get easier. I am living out of the country at the moment and my husband is gone a lot. This all started when our daughter was just weeks old and she is now 17yrs old. Try to find an expat community in the area and good friends. Join some baby and me groups if you don't already have your group of friends. It's always nicer if you have a support group in the same situation who will understand what you are going through and not just nod in agreement. Try to make the most of the weekends while he is at home.....that is the most important. Use the time he is gone to do things you can't get done when he is home.
Good Luck!!!!

A.,
I have been married to my husband for 11 1/2 years and we have lived separatly more than we have lived together. We have two children who I have basically raised alone. We were finished having kids because of this situation and then a year a half ago changed our minds. Our youngest is 8. We agreed that we did not want to have another child and not live together. His company told him that they would permanantly place him back home so we went for it. He was home long enough for me to get pregnant and the 16 weeks of "all day sickness" to set in, before he had to start traveling again. It is not that bad now but I refuse to be a single mother of 3. My husband has been looking for another job for about 6 months now. We received an offer from a company last week in another state. So we have some choices to make. The salary is lower and we love the new house we have been in for less than a year but I think we are willing to make some sacrifices to be together.
So my advice is, set down together and discuss what is most important. Are you both willing to relocate, if that is an option? It would be better now before your child or children start school. I would not have anymore children without him being home more often. Believe me, that requires patience and a whole lot of anti depressants!
Good luck and feel free to email me if you want to talk more.

I have six kids in our blended family. We have been married 3yrs. Our kids range from 13 to twin 2yr.-olds. My husband works second shift and a part-time job so I do all the running around, doc. appt.s and taking care of the kids. He leaves around 2:30pm daily and gets home at 2:30am, but doesn't wake up until 10:30 or 11am. I know how you feel and it's hard. Some days I am angry and then others just greatful that he has a job. I pace myself with a calendar in the kitchen and one I keep on me. I am very active in my church so i can get support when i need it and i call my family a lot. Look for a parents night out program in your area. We have one in the winter months and it's free at our church they watch the children feed them dinner and teach them a great message, all while I rest or run errands. You def. need some you time. When your husband is home make sure you get some time with him , but he needs to be with the child and home duties too. Goodluck!! Blessings

A. - My husband used to travel from NY to Texas Mon-Fri. I went with him a few times to make it easier. It worked well for his employer to pay for an extended stay hotel with a living room and kitchen and bedroom, it was a lot easier to pitch the idea because it cost the employer less than flying him home every week. I would stay for a month to 6 weeks then have him travel for a little while then do it again. I didn't have a little one at that time, but if your husband works somewhere warm I bet they have a pool you both would enjoy and some interesting sites. I went to a couple of dinners with other collegues and met some of their wives- hope this helps

I know how you feel. I had my daughter here in ohio and moved to fl when she was 4 mos to be with my husband. we were not married at the time but were together for 5 years already. He traveled Monday through friday for about 2 years. Some weeks he stayed home but it was hard and I got tothe point he had a choice. He traveled less, we got married and now have 3 kids. Traveling has made our relationship last due to the time he is home we enjoy it more but it is h*** o* the kids. The frequent flyers are nice as well. maybe he can work from home part time and travel part time. COMMUNICATION is the key to a relationship. if you tell him what is on your mind you can work it out. Also get involved in activities to keep you busy because the more you sit at home the more your mind wonders and thinks about what he is up to.

30y mom of 3

Hello A.. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. But at the same time you have to feel so Lucky to be able to HOARD all the things she has learned. Be grateful that YOUR the one TO TEACH & HAVE Taught her everything now. I noticed that you have brought up the subject to your husband. But have you told HIM how you feel about the situation and how much YOU miss him and NEED him? Let him know EXACTLY how you feel, he needs to HEAR you completely. My fiance was working 12 hour shifts 4 to 5 days shift hours a week. So his whole person was all mixed up and confused and it was destroying us as a family. I was pregnant at the time with my 3rd child, his first. I have 2 older girls @ the time was 7years and 9years. And it was wearing us all down. The girls were forgetting who their Step dad (dad) was and how he was. He never had time for us. And the whole time I was pregnant I felt really badly neglected. After we had our daughter, he spent a little more time but with only her. Than he ended up on lay off status and he totally withdrew from all of us. He had found another job, paying better and less hours and he had more time for us and with us. Things have been so much better for us. I can understand the fact that your husband wants to make sure that you and your daughter are doing well, but at the same time I really understand feeling alone and lonely...and needing your partner around to make you feel secure and loved. Good Luck and I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. I don't believe anyone should have to feel alone, unless they chose to live alone.

Is he a trucker? I ask cause my husband is & there's been several times I really wondered if it was worth it with him being gone for couple weeks at a time. He just about a month ago got a local job driving for JB Hunt when he went back to them so now he's home every night but for the first 2 yrs of our relationship & marriage then he was gone for 1 1/2 - 3 weeks at a time. I had been a single mama for couple years prior to us marrying & a lot of times I really didn't feel a difference between that & the way it was after getting married since I still had to think like a single parent.

This won't solve all your problems and won't be good for every mom, but maybe you could work part time--that way you can have some time to use your skills and away from you child. My husband is a resident in orthopedics and we had our first baby when he was in med school and second during his second year of residency. Not only was he never home, but the times I could count on him to be home were few and unpredictable. I worked full-time, and though it was tough and I didn't get to spend a lot of time with the girls, I certainly cherished evenings and weekends with them. When my husband WAS home, we had some good family time. Now #3 is on the way, my husband is just about done with residency, and I work part time and love it. Next year I won't be working, only finishing classes to be a registered dietitian. Personally, I think it benefits my kids to see me working towards goals too, not just their dad. I do make sure to make the kids a priority, and I've missed out on some good work and personal projects to be with them, but it's worth it. Even though I work, I make sure I'm an A+ mom and an A-worker, not the other way around.

My husband is a military pilot so we go months without seeing him. He has been gone now for 3 months and I am 6 months pregnant with a 2.5 yr old. Personally, I would not have him gone this long during a pregnancy again for various reasons.
The best thing to cope while he is not there is having friends you can rely on. Our recent, within the last year, move to IN has been difficult on me because of the lack of support. Playgroups, preschool, mom's morning out programs, even just a gym with a childcare while you workout (de-stress) is well worth it. I worked full time before moving here and thought I would love being at home full time, especially since we wanted to have another. And I do love being at home with my son. But I will say it was much easier when I was working (he was gone 9 mos. total last year) because it kept me busy. Even having little things to do will make the weeks go by faster.