Should I Tell the parent...or Let It Go?

Hi S.-

I would tell the mom the truth about why your daughter does not want to attend. You don't have to be confrontational about it, just very matter of fact. I would say, "my daughter does not feel comfortable attending the party or playdates with your daughter because there have been some incidents in school" and then provide a few examples. I would not go into a laundry list of incidents (unless she seems open to the conversation and wants a lot of specifics) just because it seems like you have held your tongue for a long time and it's not fair to suddenly blindside her with a huge list of problems that she was unaware of. Give her enough to know that it's serious so she can take action but not so much that she feels attacked and just gets defensive.

Good luck,
K.

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As a preschool teacher, my advise to you would to be perfectly honest. Tell the mother you are concerned with the behavior that both girls are exhibiting. You child is being targeted but unfortunately feels she can not speak up for herself. Try teaching her the vocabulary she needs to deal with the girl. And is the elementary school teacher out to lunch? This is such a tough scenario. Chances are the other mother feels terrible about what is going on as well (if she knows).Perhaps she isn't aware...in which case it is extremely important for you to share your concern. Don't worry about awkwardsness...this is your little girl. She needs you as an advocate. She obviously isn't getting it from her teacher. Good luck!

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I wouldn't mention it before the party - but maybe as an explanation afterward. Something like: I'm so sorry we didn't make it to the party. But, it seems as my daughter and yours aren't getting along so well in school and my daughter was really nervous about going to the party. So, we decided to stay home and not take a chance on ruining your party. Leave it at that unless the parent wants details. Then give the details without accusing the parent of anything and let her handle it.

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First of all let me say that I am sorry that your daughter has been the target of behavior that is hurtful. Secondly let me say that I am certain that mom knows her daughter has these issues. She is more than likely overwhelmed, embarrassed, and unsure about what to do about her own child. As a mom of a "special needs" child, I too was mortified with what my child had been doing to others (both kids and teachers) in his preschool, and I was the preschool director! I had no idea why my child was behaving the way he was considering we were raising him as we were our other children and they were not doing those things. After taking him for some testing and spending 2+ years in occupational therapy we finally got his behavior under control at least for the most part when it came to school and party type behavior. I did have a friend who decided not to allow her child to "associate" with our son because of our son's behavior and it hurt me and really hurt my son. My son did not recognize that his behavior was not what you would call "normal" because he is just one of those kids who is wired differently. We had to find different ways to communicate teaching him what behavior is appropriate. It is possible this family is the same way and you want to teach your daughter that although God makes us all different we are all special- Tell your daughter that regardless of how others treat us we are to be kind and loving and set an example of being kind and loving in order to win others over- she is not to young to begin to learn that lesson. That having been said- shadow your daughter at the birthday party and if something happens gently say to the difficult child- "you know that really hurts (insert daughter's name here)- then use the phrase- "let's be sure to treat all our friends with loving kindness ok?!" Using this phrase will alert the child that her behavior hurts and gives her a chance to start again without someone really scolding her. It also shows your daughter how to speak up and use words. This is a great bonding opportunity that you and your daughter have been given and an exceptional teaching moment! Be strong and positive mom! You can do it!

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I would gracefully decline the invitation, letting the other mom know that your children are not friends.

You do need to ask the teacher if this child is doing these things to other children or is she just targeting your daughter. If she is just targeting your daughter, then I would mention something to the mom. If she is spreading the wealth so to speak, I would demand that the school approach the parents and deal with the situation.

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I was in the same situation and asked a mother with older children what I should do. Her advice was that unless it was a bullying situation, stay out of it. Kids change and sometimes one child is being mean to your child and sometimes your child is the one being mean (of course she wasn't refering to MY child - he is perfect!) : )

Every bone in my body wanted to call the parent but I didn't. I stayed out of it and she was right. The kids worked it out. Kids go through all kinds of things. The best thing you can do is to teach your child how to handle "mean" kids. I told my son that not everyone in life is going to be nice to you and then I gave him ideas of what to do and say when it is happening to him. He needed to know how to handle it. And I support his decisions. I definitely agree that your daughter should not have to go to the birthday party of someone who hits her. She should be able to choose who she wants to hang out with.

And isn't our job as parents to prepare our children for life? Not everyone is going to treat them fairly. This could be a great learning exercise for your daughter.

So make up some lame excuse (even though you really want to tell her how awful her child is being) and don't go. Because as a parent, it's really hard to forgive anyone who says something negative about your child. You have to live in the same neighborhood with this woman. Once you do it, there's no going back. Let the teacher handle it. That's why they make the big bucks - ha ha.

Good luck!!

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S.-
I would just say to the mom that your daughter won't be attending because the girls don't seem to get along, then leave it at that. If she inquires further, you can give her examples. Try not to get emotional (this is hard, because it's your baby getting picked on.) The mom might be surprised, but most likely she won't be. My guess is that in her mind she'll probably blame it on your daughter no matter what.

Also, for the future, you might want to request that the girls be in separate classrooms. I had to do this for my son. We had a neighbor kid who always used my son as a scapegoat. I just wanted that removed from the school environment, since I had to deal with it at home.

Best of luck,
S.

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By all means, tell the mom! My daughter, 10, has had a bully since last school year. I thought, because I was told, that the principal and teachers were handling it. The principal told me the girls' mother had been made aware, but until this bully physical hurt my daughter and threatened to "snap her neck" I had not contacted the mom, as I trusted the school system. Well, I talked to her mom and now the girls are friends; not close enough to spend nights or anything, as I still don't trust the girl; but are getting along at school. The mom had NO IDEA and was horrified that her daughter had been doing all of the things she'd been doing to my daughter. This mom needs to know NOW, so she can put a stop to it. I'd also ask the teacher if she's informed the mother of the problems. Good Luck!

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Hi S.,

This is a hard question since you will have to face each other because you live in the same neighborhood. Has the teacher not discussed this with the childs mother? I would also bring this to the attention of the counselor so that she knows what is going on and can talk to the little girl. Also, document all the times this is happening so if you need to bring it to the attention of others it is noted. Good luck with this problem. I hope it gets resolved.

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I agree that you should talk to the mom, but I would take it a step further. She definitely knows there are issues because they do send home notes. So I would find some suggestions for the mom that could help. This little girl obviously needs help. Maybe suggest a book that could help.

My son has control issues to but fortunately he is not mean or a bully. His issue is excessive talking. But a book that helped us was Parenting the Strong Willed Child.

If you don't think you could make these suggestions, talk to your daughters teacher and have her make the suggestions. Also strongly suggest that her teacher recommend that the school counselor get involved. My sons school counselor was a huge help with us getting my sons control issues under control. This is part of the counselors job, helping kids adjust in school. Also they can be an advocate for the child, which really helps when a child feels like their teacher is against them. (Which may not be the case but if the child feels that they are not being listened to it can cause all kinds of issues.)

If your daughters teacher does not help go to the principal. This other child's behavior is effecting your child so don't let it go. I would have been up there talking to the principal after the lunch table incident! Don't be afraid to stand up for your child no matter who the other parent is!

Hang in there!

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I would let the mother know that your child does not want to attend because her daughter has not treated her nicely, Maybe it will prompt some type of solution or confirmation about what has been occurring. Good Luck.

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I would tell her...gently. My 6 YO is like that. She's an absolute monster. I know it and there's a good possibility that she knows her daughter is as well. So you don't need to harp on the issues, but just let her know that because there's been some problems between the two of them, your daughter is uncomfortable going to the party.

S., mom to 4 girls ages 2-almost 7

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S.,

Your child is being bullied. If you have adressed this with her teacher and the teacher dismissed the behavior as "control issues", you need to go above her and make an appointment with the principal. After your visit with the principal, you shouldn't need to adress the issue with the other mom, the pricipal will be obligated to meet with her. For now, I'd not attend the birthday party. This may pass as the girls get older and they may end up being good friends later on. For now, you should inform your daughter that she should have limited communication with the girl and you should reassure her that you have an open door policy and are available to discuss this issue with her at any time. Reassure her that you are there to protect and defend and always leave a safety mat if she just needs to talk about it. Victims of bullying often tend to internalize the problem which, eventually, will manifest itself into isolation, detachment and exacerbated illness. Bullying is a big problem in schools and neighborhoods, and should never be tolerated and most certainly dismissed for a lesser offense.

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I've read some of the responses, and I think you should talk to the Mom. Now to play the devil's advocate here. My son was eventually dxed with Aspergers. He would throw awful fits, and fitting in socially was so hard at that age. I am so grateful for the parents that had the compassion to help my son by helping him learn social behavior. So, maybe the other girl is just a bully with mom who is in the dark about her daughter, or maybe the mom knows and is doing her best.

So, talk to the mom, but in a non-judgemental way. If the child is helped now to learn proper social behavior, it will help her a lot. I know, my son is soooo much better now, thanks to concerned teachers, parents, and therapists.

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Really quick- here's what I think. The mom of this child already knows, and does nothing. She probably woud get offended and not do anything, and yes then it would be very akward. I would go to the principal and speak with them. I think that the teacher or the principal should be the one to address the mom- they are a neutral party. Good luck with this.

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I think you need to do much more than that. The principal and the school counselor needs to get involved as well. You daughter is being bullied by another little girl. I am dealing with bullying as well, it is only in the neighborhood but the couselor at school is helping us get a handle on the situation. Your daughter should not be treated this way. If your are strong enough then I think you should talk to the mom as well and let her understand the situation. Good luck, this parenting trip is so hard isn't it? :)

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Hi S.,
I have to say that I would tell the mom the truth. I wouldn'go into every little detail. I know that if my child was acting like that I would want someone to let me know. It is a hard thing to do but needs to be addressed. Good Luck! I am sure that you will do whats best for you and your daughter!

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Tell the other mom what has been going on. Also maybe invite them over and let the mom watch how her daughter behaves towards your daughter. Don't let the girls see you watching but maybe let them play and come around the corner to observe? Also if the teacher has seen this behavior, has she contacted the other mom to let her know? It may be that the other mom doesn't even know what is going on or if she does and chooses not to do anything about it, you will know to avoid them at all costs. If my child were behaving like her's is, then I would want to know. I would not want my child treating others like that or getting treated that way. She should know immediately so she can act on it.

Let us know what happens. I'd be interested to know her reaction.

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Hi,

How a difficult situation you are here. You never know how that information will be taken.

Do you know if the teachers have told the mother about the kids behavior? I am sure that the mean actions are not directed only to your girl but to other kids too and the mother should know by now.

It is good that you do not force your little one to go the party. I would only address the situation with the other mother if I were asked why we did not attended.

Anyway do you care for a friendship with this family? I would just put distance. They are not your friends and they do not have to be and ask your little one to stay as far away as possible from this girl until the situation changes. Maybe this girl will understand that she needs to be respectful and treat other kids kindly.

When my son does not behave, his teachers let me know immediately. I do not think I would take it very well if it were coming from another parent since every incident is already of my knowledge and I am already doing my best.

Said that I do have a friend that I always think twice at inviting her to any event (and then almost pray for them not be able to attend) because I do not like the way her daughters behave and if the girls were being as mean as you describe the little girl I would have stopped the invitations all together long ago..... But I know that it would be a mayor fight if a dared to tell her what I think.

Good luck! and Happy Holidays!

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Hey S.,

don't just let it go, call the mom and tell her the truth about what's been going on!!! if she is having issues at school then the mom needs to know that it's not just the teacher who knows these things. i had a very similar thing happen to my oldest and once the mom got involved the problems were solved.

good luck,
dh

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I would tell the parent. I have had a similar situation at church, and while I told the parent, she didn't correct her child. The only thing I could do was try to get my (at the time) 4-year old to understand that there are people like this in the world and you have to stand up for yourself. I also stopped inviting them to my home as the same things would happen here even with her parent present. Good luck!

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The schoolmate is an outright bully. To just let it be will keep causing it to happen. She does it b/c she 'knows' she'll get away w/it. I would do my best to record each thing when it happens, at least remember the day & the incident. I'd contact the mom as soon as possible. Explain WHY you're not attending the party & discuss it w/her. Tell the mom that as long as your child is getting mistreatment by her child then you have no choice but to decline the invitation. You should never make up an excuse for bullying or any other bad behavior. It is what it is. The teacher is responsible for goings on in her classroom. SHE is in charge, not the children. Let her know that if she doesn't take charge of her class, then you will have to take further action. There ARE laws against school bullying, you need to use them to back you up if necessary. I realize you might not wish to cause a lot of trouble but you HAVE trouble happening to your child which does affect you also. I would do just about anything to have had someone do something about all of the many years of school bullying I had to suffer through. Good luck!!

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i personally would tell the parent the real reason for not attending. and stress that your daughter finds it very hard to be friends with her due to her behavior. you can teach a child even one with controll issues to be nice. i am sure the momma is aware of her child but perhaps dosent think its a big enough issue to fix it. if she realizes that kids dont want to be friends with her daughter due to her behavior it might open her eyes a bit.

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Have you also met with the school administration? The teacher already knows the girl has "control issues" - has she spoke to the school administration or the parents?

If not - you need to do so immediately. The girl doesn't have control issues - she has bulling issues - and they need to be addressed sooner and not later.

Kuddos to you for supporting your daughter's position on attending the party vs forcing her to put herself in yet
another position of being abused.

You should tell the Mother that your daughter will not be attending. Leave it at that and if the Mother pushes the subject be very honest with her. You personally have witnessed one of the attacks. If the school administration has not discussed this problem with the parents - it's possible they are not aware of the full extent to which their "precious angel" has taken it.

Good luck -

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You can tell the parent but it probably won't do much good. I am a first grade teacher and have a similar situation in my class this year. Some parents just don't hink their child ever does anything wrong. Several of my student's parents had a conference with my principal just to make sure she was aware of the situation. Good luck!

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You need to tell this parent! She needs to know her daughter is a bully. This will only get worse for her if they don't get help now. And - if she chooses not to get help you'll know what kind of mom she is as well. As far as your daughter goes you're doing great! Staying away from those who are not good for us is the best thing. You might want to check out some books on bullying and see what they say. Good luck. My son starts K in 2011 and I'm so worried for him!

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I would let the mother know, but not as a "this is why my daughter doesn't want to go" issue. Maybe things can get resolved and your daughter can still go to the party. Just let the mother know what has happened and see where is goes from there. She may not even know. Kids can be sneaky.

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I would tell the mother. She may or may not be aware of it. Either way she needs to do something about it. It is going to lead to the child having probelms of some kind soon. You could maybe just tell the mother that the two don't get along and then ask if the little girl throws things at other people. Most mother who are reasonable will want to know that there is something not right. I would rather know if my kids needed something managed.
Good luck. Your little sounds really sweet.

W.

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As a mother of 4 boys 37, 35, 19 and 17 the mother knows that she is raising a terorrist, keep your distance. If you offer unsolicitied advice it is likely to be taken and held against you and your family. The only way I would say anything to the mother is if she ask why you are avoiding her. A good rule as a mother is to KEEP IT SIMPLE AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

My two cents for what it is worth. Good luck.

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I don't think you owe the parents an explanation of "why" you would not attend. But, I think you should say something to her mother. If you feel that the mom would actually take action, i.e. talk to her child, then I would notify the mother.
I would want to know if my daughter was treating another child unkindly.
My daughter has problems with a girl in her 1st grade class. She contaminated her yogurt with a piece of foil, she cracked her straw from her juice box, she colors on my daughter's paper, all the same stuff you described. I wrote a note instructing that they are not to sit next to or across from each other at lunch. The teacher also separates them in line. One day the little girl pinched my daughter on the back of the arm. My daughter does not like her and is annoyed by her pestering. I guess it is a first grade thing. I wish you and your daughter the best with future friendships.

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Hello, First off let me say Im sorry you are having to deal with this issue. I have a little girl whom is seventeen months and I can only imagine how it feels to have someone picking on her. I absolutly think you should speak with the childs mother, mom needs to nip her childs bad behavior in the bud or figure out why she is expressing her emotion through negativity at your baby's expense. I think once mom sees that your baby girl is not coming to her childs bday because of her daughters bad behavior towards another child she will then address the situation. Since you all are neighbors there should be peace amongst you alls family's. You dont want this experience to to negativly effect your daughter more than it already has. I hope everything works out well

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Why not go ahead and tell the mother? What good would come of keeping it from her? I think that you should return the invitation and have them over. Then, you can discuss this with her mother.

Also, your daughter needs to learn to slap the sh-- out of this child on the very next occasion that she trashes something of hers. She'll probably get into trouble at school, but you just be prepared to go up there and defend your baby. It's better to get in trouble for it early on (and learn some other skills to avoid this mess in the future) than to wait until she's old enough to get into serious trouble for just lashing out after being bullied. Teh girl will learn that she means business after just giving her one good go.

There are certain personalities that seem to be more susceptible to bullying. Give your daughter the confidence NOW to shake that monkey off her shoulder and avoid it in the future. Be her champion.

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It sounds like your daughter's teacher is not handling this well AT ALL. The principal should have been involved after the 2nd or 3rd incident, she should not be allowed to keep doing this over and over! I would request a conference with the teacher and principal and voice your concerns and let them know you expect this behavior to stop because your daughter should not be subjected to this. They (the school) needs to contact the other child's parent and open her eyes to what is going on. Tell them you would rather remain anonymous where the other parent is concerned but if your daughter keeps getting invited to her house you may have to speak up and explain why she doesn't want to come.

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What if you declined without a reason, first off? And then after the party, contact the mom, invite her for coffee or something, and discuss the reason why. I, too, would want to know if my daughter were behaving like a bully. But I also may not be able to hear it before the birthday party, because of the stress of the event, etc. Your declining without comment may prompt her to ask why, and then she's opened the door. If not, then it leaves the option for you to use it as an invitation to explain why. I would not make up some general excuse (a lie). That would only complicate matters.

I would love to hear how this turns out.

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The mother needs to know what is going on when she is not around. The girl may need some special help and the only way that they will know what to do is to hear about these things from some of the other parents that are having problems with her behavior. Good luck. I have been there also.+

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S., for what it's worth, I would tell the other mom. As you stated, if it were your child, you'd want to know. So would I. Yes it may be a gamble telling the mother and risking there being "hurt feelings", but she should know that her child is exhibiting bully-type behavior. And can very well help with her mom seeing a side of her child that perhaps she doesn't already see. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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I would tell the parent and I would also talk to prinicpal at the school.

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I would absolutely want to know if my child is misbehaving
badly. Possibly the mother already knows this and has become void of consequences because she is at a loss.
A kindergartener is young enough to relearn proper
behavior. You might say to the mom, "If my child has ever made your child feel uncomfortable, I'd hope that you would feel free to tell me. Therefore, I am taking a chance that you would feel the same." pause,pause,pause. If she says nothing, I might say, "This is probably bad timing. I hope we will get another chance to talk". Also, be ready with a good attribute that her child exhibits so that she does not
feel totally attacked. Mothers are funny. They protect
their young at all costs. Lots and lots of luck.

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Something similar has happened to my son in kindergarten. I too addressed it with the teacher. The teacher discussed general name-calling with the class and then sent a note home with the child, who was causing the majority of the problem. You may want to see if your child's teacher has addressed this with the child's parents. If not, she might be able to do so and this may be more comfortable for you.

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Without reading the other responses, this is my opinion....hope it helps in some way:

If this child is in kindergarten and acting this way, it is nothing new to the parent. SHE KNOWS her child and her child's behavior. I would definitely make sure that the TEACHER is sending a note home for EVERY incident. Sometimes teachers feel that when they address something at school, it doesn't always need to be addressed at home too. I don't necessarily disagree with that, but a poor behavioral pattern needs to be duly noted and the parent repeatedly advised. This way it is coming from the SCHOOL. Remember, your daughters could end up attending the same school throughout their whole childhood, the less animosity that has to be endured between the two of them, the better. If you feel like there is too much happening in the classroom, then request a conference with the teacher and one of the principals or the school counselor.

As for the party, I would respectfully decline. You don't have to offer any explanation. When she sees how many children DON'T show up, she may begin to understand. Or, maybe not. But until specifically asked if there is a particular reason you decline invitations, I would leave it alone. My daughter had a girl in her class in 1st grade that invited the entire class....22 kids....to her birthday and not ONE even showed. My daughter refused to go, and I didn't make her. You don't have to give your money and time to someone who doesn't treat you even so much as fairly. My daughter was sad when she came home the following Monday to learn that nobody went. She still felt sorry for her. Today, 7 years later, they are somewhat friends. They don't hang out together outside of school, but they do text every once in a while and such.

And, while you feel like a parent would want to know their child is a bully, they don't always want to know. And, sometimes, they don't see a problem with it -- we have experienced that too.

Pick your battles wisely as there are many to come. But, teach your daughter that the other child's behavior is wrong and that she is NEVER to behave like that. And, that she doesn't have to be friends with someone who treats her poorly. THAT is one of the best lessons in life.

My daughter had a bully one time that every time the girl would do something to her, my daughter would look at her and say, "Good Always Wins, Haily! Good Always Wins!" One time the girl got so mad at her for saying that to her that she slapped her across the face. So, I of course had to take on that battle, but after that day, the girl never returned to the summer program again. But, I couldn't help but find a small piece of humor in it (after a few days of cours, after my anger had subsided). If you think about it, there was no verbal response that would be able to contradict what my daughter was saying....what else was a bully to do?

As I have rambled, I have realized something very important for you..... this is only kindergarten -- it's not the last bully you will encounter. Make sure the one you decide to take on is the one that needs to be taken on..... you don't want to be known as the over-protective, over-reactive mother. And I am NOT saying that you are either one of those, BUT you don't want someone to wrongfully develop this opionion of you and then have them not take you seriously on a much more serious matter.

Anyway, I hope I have helped.

Good Luck!

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If it were my child i would have done something a long time a ago.i'm not saying go and do the same thing that lil girl is doing to your child but handle it with the mother and father.It maybe something going on in their home, you just never know.You may thing well theres nothing out of the ordinary with that family, but you don't live with that lil girl, so she may feel jealous of your daughter.Or just keep being mean cause your girl hasn't done any back to her,which means you don't allow that behavior in your home which is good.Which also means your lil girl is well mannered.okay so just go to her patrents and address the promblem.

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As a mother of a kindergartener myself, I was reading your story and thinking what I would do in this situation. I think that since these little incidents have happened so many times now, you should mention something to the other mom. Maybe not on the party day, but ask her to sit down with you and let her know what's been going on. Chances are she will already know about her daughter's behavioral problems and she will do one of two things. She will either go on the defensive because she already knows the child is doing these things or she will be utterly apologetic. Your daughter is smart and knows who she does and doesn't want to hang out with. So, you can't force them to be friends with someone. Especially someone that is doing mean things to her. I think you should maintain your daughter's decision and continue to back her up. She will know that no matter what you will always have her back. And, I'm sure the other mother will understand... unless of course she goes on the defensive and then you don't want to associate with someone like that anyway. :)
Good luck!

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I would definitely mention it to the mom. I had a similar incident when my daughter was in first grade. I told my daughter that if the child continued to hit her, push or, etc that I wanted her to defend herself and push her back. I also called the assistant principal and informed her of what was going on and that the teacher was not doing anything about it. I told her my child will not be bullied and that the next time, my daughter will fight back. Not that I condone fighting, but I didn't want her being bullied. One day, my daughter pointed her out to me and I kindly told the little girl that my daughter was going to hit her back the next time. Of course the mom was there and the little girl told her so we ended up having a talk at the school while I was leaving with 6 kids. The conversation did not end with cursing or screaming, just disagreeing because she said they teach their child not to hit. I told her apparently not because she is hitting. Words cannot be controlled, but being bullied can. The next time that the little girl hit my daughter, my daughter pushed her as hard as she could and the little girl left her alone after that. Some kids just need to be shown that they cannot bully someone. Good luck!

D., Mom of 12 yr old girl, 9 yr od girl, 5 yr old boy, and 8 month old girl

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I would have been on the phone with the parent after the second incident. I am appauld the teacher did not nip it immediately. There should be zero tolerance for bullying! Protect your child and make sure "everyone" knows about this; principal, counselors, parents, etc. Don't let your child be a victim of bullying.

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I would address it in a VERY non confrontational way since you have to see this lady often and surely want to keep the peace. I know people can be very defensive about their children, but at the same time, if you don't address it, it will probably eventually end up ugly! These things always do:) I would just tell the truth as to why your daughter does not want to go the party and in the same sententce (to soften the blow) maybe come up with a solution, like, maybe we need to get the girls together just the two of them and encourage them to play nicely" and eventually, the little bully will back off:) But I think if your a forth coming w/ the reason, the mom can't wonder why you are giving them the cold shoulder if she doesn't address it. good luck!!! :)