Should I Say Something or Let It Go?

A couple of things to keep in mind (from a former elementary school teacher): The first of the school year is very hectic and busy for teachers. And a teacher's day NEVER ends when the kids go home. Especially right now, it's easy to get caught up with all the preparations that have to be made (some of them before the kids come, some can't be done until you actually meet the kids, etc) and forget the time. And, if she's like me, she's probably feeling stressed with trying to balance being a mom and a teacher, and get everything done on both sides. And having a mixed up babysitter situation (switching babysitters, plus having this gap in between, where you are filling in) just adds to the stress! (I've been there, too )

Not that it is easy for you! And you do have the right to tell her you need a much more definite time - if she tells you 5, she needs to be there by 5 or call you. Just let her know that you need to be able to plan on some specifics, so that you can be ready. And it's hard for a 2 year old to not know when mommy is coming.
I just wanted to give you the other side of the coin to look at.

I think since it's the beginning of the year--things will level out. She probably needs to depend on you right now. I'd plan for late pick up and if she's early--a bonus! If it continues and she hasn't found a sitter, then say something.

There's one in every crowd. The way most day care places deal with it is to charge $5 a minute past the pick up time. 10 min late = $50 It's amazing how fast they learn to take the pick up time seriously. You don't have a written agreement as to times, charges and penalties. You need to have a contract in place as soon as possible.

Of course you can tell her tonight. " Is it usual to get caught up at work? I had no idea? I'm enjoying watching your daughter I just want to nail down actual drop off and pick up times, so I can plan my day with her and my family". Doubt she'll be upset about it. Clear it up now, don't wait to see how it goes.

If you don't say something now, then she won't know where she stands. It's rude to leave somebody who is waiting on you, hanging. She is pretty much saying that your time is not as important as her time. Say something to her today.

Just say, I really need to be able to plan my day. Can we agree on a pick-up time so we can have dinner as a family and also so I can tell your daughter that you care coming soon? If she saiys no, which is crazy, then I would say well I will talk with my husband and we well set a time that works for us.

Boundaries, definitely need boundaries... she is not respecting yours right now.

You just NEED to tell her... that you have a pick up time.
And its because you have your own family and Husband's schedule too and activities to attend... and you ARE going out to dinner tonight etc.
CALL her. Tell her you have plans tonight etc., and in the future, there needs to be a SPECIFIC time for pick up and drop off.
You need to plan your day and cannot spend all day/night waiting.

It is reasonable.

I used to babysit, 2 other kids besides my own. I know how it is.
That is what I did.

You are after all, doing her a nice favor by helping her out. The least she could do is respect YOUR stating a SPECIFIC DAILY pick up and drop off time.

INSTEAD of "asking" her when she is going to pick up her kid. You need to TELL her that "I am going out to dinner at 5:00... so you need to pick up Sally by 4:00. Because I need to get ready and dressed and out the door...."

all the best,
Susan

I think it will be up to you to define the time limits for when you are available for childcare. You can always say something nicely, like this: "I've been thinking and I really need you to pick up your daughter by no later than 4:30 (or 5) p.m., so that I will be able to get dinner ready for my family and spend time with my husband when he gets home. Oh, and would an 8:30 drop off time in the morning work for you? I just want to know what to expect so that I am not running around here like a crazy woman in the morning."

I have been that woman who is kind of vague with drop off and pick up time when my son was in a at-home daycare. My daycare person (who was also a friend) was very direct with me with what worked best for her in terms of when she was available and when she was not, and I really appreciated her honesty. I am ashamed to say it but it helped me understand that her time is valuable too.

Hope everything works out for the best.

I'd show her your post if you feel really strongly about it. Otherwise I'd tell her she needs to pick up her kids by a certain time so you can have dinner with your family or . . .

And, unless you like babysitting, remind her you are only temporary, not a permanent sitter. Remind her on at least a weekly basis.

Keep smiling. Its only 6 weeks. Save the money she pays you so you and your husband or family can do something special with it.

Good luck to you and yours.

I think you should bring it up now. If you wait, then she may say "well why didn't you tell me b/4?" Of course this could be a one time thing since her school year probably just started, but I would clear the air right away. You can "play dumb" and say you want to get the timing clear so that you can make plans, etc.

ok i just couldn't let that last post go, she's hanging out with colleagues or running errands. Not at the beginning of a school year, sister. Il'm sure she is workign her butt off to get things ready in the classroom and to deal wth all the you know what that hit the fan that day. I'm sure you have some idea of when a reasonable time for her pick up would be, add up travel time , plus the time she is actually able to leave the building which is probably AT least a half hour after the Start of Dismissal, Plus give her an extra half hour/hour for the start of school. Plus you know her situation does she had family or hubby that can pick the kid up from your place at an earlier time?? You might be able to gently suggest that.
Please wait until you can talk to her calmly, But my guess is since you didn't talk about it you just had no idea how long her day actually was.

No if im wrong and she walzes in and shows of the peddi she just go while you were watching her kid, then I super apologize, but If this is a good friend, try to help her out for the 6 weeks until the new sitter starts.

You said you were doing it as a FAVOR to her. So if you are not happy doing her a FAVOR then stop. Give it one week and see if it is just because of this rush week of school starting. Let her know you can't do it again if you can't count on a definite drop off and pick up time due to your own toddler's needs. Focus on the reason YOU cannot afford for the inconsistency based on your family needs versus condemning or judging HER based on her inability to get them on time. You don't know HER situation and she may not be intentionally doing this to annoy you. As a M. and friend, I am sure she is aware of how hard it is to have young children after hours. You can still be friends and not hurt her feelings by letting her know how it affects YOU.

Absolutely, you say something. You HAVE to set boundaries, even w/ friends. It's a matter of respect. If you don't, you'l set yourself up for harboring more resentment down the road. Get this out in the open. If she's going to work late, the LEAST she can do is tell you. What if you have a soccer game, dentist appointment, etc....that you need to go to? Just good business AND good personal practice and discipline.

This is probably too late but I am by nature a pretty passive person. I try not to be confrontational. However, last night I would have had my dinner wear on and then the hubby and I literally waiting when she came and said "oh we had reservations for 6, but we are running late...gotta go"
and then I would have let it play out a few days to see if she if more timely If you have something to do in the evenings, let her know in advance. Otherwise I wiould plan to watch the kid til 6pm everyday. School JUST started and I am sure she is trying to get back into the swing. I guess I would look at it as...would you let 45 mins or an hour ruin a friendship? you can ask her about work in a week..maybe if you get your arms around what she is going through it can help you understand why.
Good luck

I am doing the same thing for a friend, because her babysitter (for her 2yo) is on vacation for 2 weeks. She has to work until 7 or 8 pm a night or two a week. I am (as you are) happy to be able to help out, but not willing to encroach on our family time. So, I did let her know that I was only available until 5pm, so that I can get dinner ready for my family and do homework, etc. Once she knew that she has respected that. If she cannot come pick him up, she has someone else do it for her (her mother, husband, friend, etc). Of course, I tell her I won't release him to anyone unless she tells me first for safety reasons.

As far as Saturday!!!!! No way! Unless, maybe you don't have plans and she is willing to pay you double time! lol

I am an elem teacher on maternity leave. If you don't teach, you can't even imagine how MUCH preparation there is, especially the first week or two of school. It is mind-boggling. I went in yesterday to get my sub squared away, and I was there for 5 hours and didnt accomplish as much as I would have liked, unpaid which was my choice, as I wanted my students and her to get off to a good start while I'm gone. I also checked in with her this morning to see if she had questions and told her she can easily email me (calls are very hard to do during school). Hanging out with colleagues is not hanging out, these are work sessions in the barest amount of time; so hard to accomplish what we'd like to. If we are, we are working on lessons, grading, rosters, etc. Hanging out happens on occasion on a Friday perhaps once every two months where we go to dinner. If I were you, I would just make comment to her that you know "she is swamped with the startup with school, but once that calms down, will you be able to get here sooner?"

I feel your frustration! I became a SAHM in March and as soon as I quit my job, my phone started blowing up with people wanting me to watch their kids (all family). I want to help family out as much as possible so I say yes to all of them. I also felt taken advantage of and learned my lesson. I was so excited to have a fun summer with my kids and since I took on babysitting, we ended up doing pretty much staying at home all summer. Anyway, sorry for my venting :)
I would give her a week or two to let school settled down then give her a time that you need her there by. As far as her saying she might need you to babysit on Sat, WHAT?? No way! You have plans! :)
Good luck!

I understand that this post was written under duress, but still if this is the first time and she called then I dont really understand what your problem is. Did you mention you had plans when your husband came home? I always made it a point when I did daycare to mention when I had things going on. I am sure she was not playing on your time as she realizes you are doing her a valuable favor. Why would she ruin this? I think you are just caught up in the moment and when you settle down you will realize that it wasnt that big a deal and now you know what you can do in the future to keep this from happening again.

Ugg I know exactly what you are going through! I watch 2 little boys a couple of days a week and it has been very difficult to get days ahead of time! Yesterday they just showed up and I was not even expecting them! Luckily we did not have any plans so I told them they could stay and then they did not come to get them until almost 5:30. I have been having these issues for awhile! And these people are my frinds too so I have a hard time saying anything! But yesterday I finally told them I have to have a schedule and a pick up time set (or close) and if things change you have to call before that time or make other arrangements because I have things I have to plan! They were understanding. I think your friend wil be more understanding than you think and if you don't say something it will only hurt your friendship. Good luck!

you should say something but becasue she is a good friend and you did set a specific pick up time just make sure you establish one now. good luck

I think you need to wait until you calm down but that you do need to talk with her about times for drop off and pick up that will work for both of you. I suggest that she will understand. When we start something new there is a period during which we work out the details. You are in that period now.

Also keep in mind that she is starting a new school year and so her focus is divided between child care and getting her classroom ready or getting her students off to a good start. Because you are a friend and because you didn't have an understanding that this arrangement is the same as an arrangement with professional daycare she wasn't focused so much on picking her up. I suggest that she didn't think about the time. I also suggest she may think that you are able to be more flexible than you're willing to be. You definitely need to discuss and agree not only on times but on how you will handle unexpected occurrences such as being late.

It's important to write down what is expected to happen during this sort of arrangement and even more important when you're having a business relationship with a friend. It's so easy to expect something different with a friend then with a paid stranger.

This is really just a misunderstanding. Cut her some slack. Now that you know how you feel about pick up time tell her what you expect in a kind and friendly way.

Tee Hee...She is hanging out with colleagues or running errands on your time. Yes she is paying you but you are also doing her a favor. Why don't YOU tell her what the drop-off and pick up times are? If she can't make those times, she'll find another care giver. But I strongly suspect if you give her deadlines, she will meet them.

UPDATE I stand by my answer. I also have a job. I kick butt and sometimes pull 12 hours a day and time on the weekends (BTW -- I do that 12 months out of the yr...No offense. I have 3 very good friends who are teachers.) But I do NOT -repeat- do NOT leave my kids stranded somewhere. I commit to a drop off/pick up and I honor that commitment. Because the people taking care of my children (whether they be family, friends, day are or teachers (yeah teachers) are doing a job and their time should be respected. "I may need you this Saturday" my gramma's foot! I am gonna talk to my kids teachers at open house next week and ask 'em if the start and end times of the school day are firm or if I can change them as I need to.

I think you have every right to be annoyed. If you were her regular sitter she would have to be on time. It's called courtesy, whether you are a friend or not she should give you a time and be close to it as possible. Not only that but she said she would be there by 5 & then called you at 5:45 meaning that she probably wouldn't pick her kid up till about 6:30 about 1 1/2 hours late, that's rude!!! You have 6 weeks to deal with the unknown with her so you may want to set up some times now.

BTW you shouldn't have to tell her you had any plans at nor should any daycare provider as "Momofone" suggested.

If she is an elementary school teacher - she KNOWS the consequences of children not being picked up on time.
Most day cares and schools charge a dollar per minute for every minute late!
At our school, the kids wait in the office (but you don't have that convenience) for up to 20 minutes - after that they go to extended care and the parent foots the daily rate for that.
(If you call - there is some leeway I believe - but schools have staff to handle this).

My point is - she KNOWS - so don't be afraid to talk to her and do not let this go because she is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so unless you intervene and let her know how this inconveniences you. I'm assuming that she has a cell phone. Why can't she call if she's running late?

I don't know what your payment arrangement is - but you should be charging her for the extended time at a higher rate.

If you do have plans, call her ahead and let her know she MUST be here on time and tell her a time half hour earlier than you really need.

I'm sorry, but if you "let this go", it is the same as denial of the problem. It may be a difficult conversation to have, but it would be worth it because the current situation is obviously making you unhappy and if you do nothing - the problem will stay the same.

Hope this helps!