Sensitivity When Leaving Children Out of Birthday Party Invitations, Reciprocity

I can see how this would be hurtful. No one wants to see their children excluded from activities deliberately.

My best advice would be to move on from this circle at school and try to get your son involved in other groups where he can make real friends. If these kids don't want him at their parties, they're not really friends (even though you may be with their moms). Does your son have any special interests? Getting him involved in classes outside of school can be a great way to connect with other kids who share the same interests and build friendships.

Also, keep in mind that it's not the quantity of friends that matters in the long run. I always had small circles of friends growing up -- sometimes just one at the time -- and I've kept in touch with most through adulthood (one, for 30+ years). I was bullied and chosen last for things and while it wasn't fun at the time, I turned out ok (I think!). :)

I think if you concentrate your energy on how to change the situation, rather than looking back and feeling bad about things you can't change, you can turn it around. Is it proper etiquette to reciprocate with invitations to parties? Sure, it's the ideal. But people just don't do that always and it's naturally disappointing when they don't. I do think if your son can form bonds with other kids over common interests -- not just being at the same school -- that might lead to new friendships and party invitations.

Just my initial thoughts. Sorry to hear things have been so hard lately, but hope it all turns around soon.

C.,

I agree mostly with the other responders. Quality not quantity. However, we are talking about a young child and sometimes children don't have the emotional maturity to understand these types of concepts. I agree that the number one thing you can do is to let your son know how much you and the family love him and that it is nothing he has done that makes these children treat him like that. The responsibility ultimately falls on the parents because it is their job to teach their children to have consideration and respect for all children (not matter what the differences). By the parents not having their children invite all the children they are teaching the kids that it is okay to exclude others. I am sure if the tables were turned the parents and kids would see how it makes them feel...alone and excluded. I do agree that speaking with the parents is appropriate. Let them know how it makes you and your son feel. They will either change or not. One thing you can do is on the days when your son has been excluded from a party perhaps you can take him somewhere to have fun. Don't announce it like that, but make it seem like an unplanned event. This will make him feel better and give him many great family memories.

Hi C... I am sorry you are having to go through this right now, but I do think there are some useful things to do. I have taught elementary school for twelve years now, and the best way to head this problem off at the pass is to have clear school policy. My favorite says that invitations to parties may not be distributed at school unless every child in the class is invited. Children are asked in any case to either: select a few (two or three) closest friends of either gender, invite all the girls, invite all the boys, or invite everyone.

This is a helpful way for other moms to help their children include everyone- it's no longer a question of asking a child whom they would like to invite, but rather how large the party should be. Because everyone does it, the children get used to large celebretory get-togethers and the parents quickly find the least expensive places to go/ways to host a group
I wish you and your family well- R.

Oh this is such a tough one. I have several kids and it is hard when they are close in age and only one gets invited to a party. Sometimes they have to learn about differnces early, like why the girl didn't invite my boy. But I have to agree with the other mom. It is time for a new circle of friends. Something you said put up a red flag for me. Child centered school??? This sounds like it caters to what the child wants, is interested in, etc. It leaves out teaching the preciousness of others and putting others first and you get poor friends. They aren't taught to do what it best for someone else. I may be wrong on this.
Give him a hug and let him know how special he is to his Mommy.

I know how it feels when your kid gets left out of birthday parties. This message is to all mothers

One of the things children should be taught at an early age is compassion and being sensitive to other kids irrespective of their shortcomings, race or color. This is one of the values that I think every mother should instill in their child,giving them material things is not enough.

C.,
I wish I had some spectacular advice to give you however I don't.
That said.....I LOVED YOUR REQUEST !!!!!!!!!!!! every word & feeling & funny comment on life. I love to read novels & write (though not professionally), and let me tell you this, girl if you ever write a book please put me first on the list to purchase it!!
I know I have never met you but from your thoughts on life I believe we could be friends. I FELT your pain....
I agreed whole heartedly with the values you are trying to raise your children with. I know sometimes it is hard to do but, it only matters what your children think of themselves not what others think about them...it's just very hard to look at your lovely child and think that someone may not like them or want to play with them....why? When it is so obvious that they are THE BEST KIDS ever born? Everyone should love them the way we do....
I hope you get this settled in your mind now so you don't have to dwell upon it while going through further testing. I just recently went thru something similar, it took over a year BUT the good news is everything is OK now.
If you ever need someone to talk to or unload your troubles too I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to e-mail me @: ____@____.com
Good Luck and just remember....YOU are a wonderful mom !!!!

C.,
My daughter went thru that in 4,5, and 6 grade. The instance occured within one child in particular. She somehow was jealous of chelsea, and to this day still is.
But, our consolation was later when her friends dumped her,
and she was left with no one. She could no longer boss anyone around, or make them see that everything is about her. On to my son, he is language and speech delayed to the point that I found out that the kids up the street were making him pay them to be his friends. I talked to the grandparents who are raising them, they said that was not true, because their grandson would not lie. Right, that is why money was disappearing from my purse. Needless to say, their oldest was suspended from school for having drugs on him in 5th grade. Things have cleaned up since then, but rarely do I let my son go up there, because I just don't want to deal with them, I would rather have my
nephew come down here, or have one of his good friends from school come over. I felt so sad when he came home and
they had sent him home, they invited the kid across the street to stay the night, but not our son, and he was crying because they were very cruel at what they did. SO,
when they came to the house next time I confronted them myself, and made them apologize to him. I got sick of the parents saying thier kids would not do certain things when I had caught them doing them myself. So, I started confronting them myself, boy did the parents get upset.
They had no clue what their own kids were up to. When you have a child with special needs, you tend to watch and be more alert. SO, now he has friends that stand up for him.
He was at a class swim party at the community center and some kid wanted to beat him up,all of his class mates surrounded him, along with his older sisters, and told him
that they would have to take on all of them. And the one that stood up for him the most, is the one that made fun of him two years before. I think he really felt bad about that, some where along the line he had developed a conscience.(SP) In short it takes a special person to be
good friends with my son, and while he does not have an army of them, he does have several, and they are all wonderful to him. Maybe your son just needs to find his true friend and stay away from the other students. Ben has had several students be that way at school to him also.
And it truly hurts, and makes life hard for you and him.
But as you can see, what goes around comes around, and those boys up the street know that they are not allowed on
my property unless their intentions are honorable, and if I am not home, my husband must be there at all times as well. By the way, forget the correct political response, ask questions, and get to the root of the problem. Like I said, I started watching the kids on the playground, and it also helped that my daughter attended the school and kept an eye out for her little brother herself as well.
I hope this helps you is some way. Good Luck:) I have been there myself, a lot is on my plate on a daily basis.
W.