Self Defense

My son was being harassed by a kid on the playground when he was in 1st grade. Just called him names, tripped him etc. After about 4 incidents, when it was clear he wouldn't stop, I told him he could punch him hard the next time he did something like that. He did and was never again bullied.

I taught my daughter never to throw the first punch, but that if anyone laid hands on her, to fight back and fight dirty.

You tell them never to make first contact.
But if someone hits/kicks/etc them first they should try this.

First tell them to stop - loudly.
If it continues, tell them again - Louder.
If it continues tell a teacher.
I tell my son to let the teacher know if she does not stop it then he will make it stop - this gives the teacher a chance to act and if she doesn't then anything that happens after that is partially her fault.
If it continues past that - I tell my son to take the kid out and we'll figure things out in the principals office.

He's a 3rd Don taekwondo black belt.
So far, he's only had to go as far as the 2nd warning.
("Look - you really need to stop. Because if I have to stop you, you are NOT going to like it.")
My kid does not have to be anyone s punching bag.

i'm betting there will be a lot of parents who insist that kids should never be unsupervised and that parents or adults should always be around to intervene.
i find this trend extremely alarming. i fear for the next generation, which has no clue of how to handle matters on their own.
my kids worked it out for themselves, largely. we had a fairly squishy 'no hitting first' rule, but the term 'bully' was much simpler and more sensible back then. my older was more apt to throw a punch back, so we worked with him on trying to find non-confrontational solutions, and warning before he hit. it mostly seemed to work out for him. he's 28 now, and apparently traded punches with kids a lot more than i knew about. and must have managed it okay- he wasn't coming home with black eyes, and i wasn't getting calls from other parents.
my younger was a negotiator. he was more apt to be bullied, being a hefty little fellow, but he knew how to talk his way out of situations, as well as gain the support of the masses, so he tended not to end up a victim of physicality (although we did spend a lot of time working on how to handle hurt feelings from verbal cruelty.)
what does your son want to do?
khairete
S.

I always told my kids never start a fight but you have my permission to finish it.

I think self-defense is hard to explain to young kids. They really aren't good at identifying what is a true risk and what is just incredibly annoying. By the time an adult gets involved, it's a "he said, she said" situation and both kids are in trouble. I think that winds up empowering the bully because he doesnt suffer more serious consequences than his victim, and the victim feels doubly victimized by "the system".

't I think "self-defense" is reserved for when there are no adults anywhere around. And that shouldn't happen on a school bus, in the playground, in the class or in the cafeteria. I think young kids need to be taught to always go to an adult for protection and for supervision/refereeing. If he can't get away, he needs to YELL loud and put up his hands to protect himself.

If a child is absolutely alone, like walking home from school, that's another story and of course he must protect himself. But under normal circumstances, the kid who fights back often doesn't emerge unscathed because usually the bully is the larger of the two kids. Bullies don't usually take on someone bigger than themselves, so the victim has a size disadvantage from the get-go as well as the shock of being singled out and attacked.

My experience in the schools is that both kids get sanctioned for getting physical, no matter who started it. They rarely tell the same story anyway, so the intervening staff member can't tell who provoked whom.

Always.

It is ALWAYS okay for him to defend himself.
Let him loose Mom.

It is NEVER okay to lay hands on ANYONE in anger FIRST.
However, IF someone lays hands on you FIRST, you have the RIGHT to DEFEND yourself. ALWAYS.

Easy rule.

Mine has been told:
Don't start fights
You don't hit people.
Reason if possible
ALWAY defend yourself if hit, pushed, etc.

My kids have been told if someone lays a hand on them they are not only allowed to hit back, but I encourage it. Sorry, they won't be bullied physically like that. One boy did punch my 9 year old a few weeks ago at school and my son was too stunned to do anything back. Before I even got the call, my son was taken the nurse, the boy was removed from his class for good, and he was placed on suspension for 4 days.

But yes - my kids are told to hit back IF hit first. And if they get in trouble at school that is what it will be, they will NOT be in trouble at home for defending themselves. Ever.

I certainly do not agree with what I'm reading here. My GD is in martial arts - she has been told that if someone raises their hand to her, she doesn't have to let it connect - she should take them out. Bullies are not afraid of going to the office or the principal because they already know that at most, they will be talked to or maybe have a 15 minute detention. Nothing for them to worry about. And the parents of those kids think their child can do no wrong, so there won't be any punishment at home. Nope. Take 'em out. If you get suspended, oh well. Bet no other kids raise their hand to her! Believe me, it only has to happen one time to one kid; news travels fast!

I hate to say it, but the bullies will see your child being a punching bag and not defending himself and he will become their next victim. Not happening here!

Children should never be left alone to fend for themselves. Your son should be under your care, or a sitter or teacher at school. If someone hits him he needs to get an adult to help him, period. If he fights at school he will get in trouble, even if he didn't "start" it, because fighting is not allowed in school.
Teach him how to say no, walk away and go to the adult who is taking care of him. Adults need to handle it.
Have you talked to his teacher? Has he? If this is happening out of the teacher or yard duty person's line of sight they need to know!

I taught my kids that I will stand up for them if they have to use self defense. I expect that they won't hit back unless they are physically harmed themselves. I used to tell them "we don't hit", "use your words", but once they were picked on in early elementary and physically bullied, I changed my tune. My daughter has had to use her martial arts skills once and I was proud of her. I have also told my son to hit back if he needs to. I know they are both the kind of kids who won't harm others unless that is the last resort.

I also want to say that I only started advising my kids to use self defense after seeing that verbal warnings and going to the teacher or adult in charge was not working at all to make the bullying stop.

I've taught my girls to always defend themselves, never throw the first punch and not to be a punching bag (physically or emotionally) for a bully. If they broke school rules to do so or got suspended because of it so be it. They knew they were not going to be in trouble at home.

Both of my girls actually stood up to 5th grade kids who were not being nice to other kids on the bus although my one daughter was in 2nd grade at the time and the other was in third grade. It cracked me up that they could shame 5th graders into behaving although they were so much younger themselves.

IMO your child needs to put a stop to this bullying immediately. A recess aide, teacher, counselor, the principal etc. can not stop a child from bullying your child. Teach your child to speak firmly to let the bully know he is going to shut up now or else. If your child does not learn to stop kids from bullying him, he is going to become an easy mark for other kids to bully him and he could have an absolutely miserable school experience for years to come.

I told my kids to let the other child know that its not ok, to give them a chance to apologize and step away before defending themselves. Now, if punches are being thrown then its immediate to defend yourself. This has followed my son out of high school even in defending other people.

There is not always going to be an adult in earshot of everything that happens in their lives. Kids need to learn how to handle situations independently. Everyone should be have the option to defend themself.

This is such a great question and something I am constantly evaluating as the Mom of two boys.

My 1st grader was being picked on by a kid at school who had a history of bothering other children. My son was doing the right thing by telling the teacher, and telling me, but it wasn't getting the child to stop. I thought about going to the school, meeting with the teachers, and talking to the other boys' guardians (he didn't live with his parents), but something told me that my son might need to address this in a different way himself. I told my son to talk the child directly, and look him in the eyes so he would know my son was serious. I told him to tell the boy that he *had to* stop hitting him, tripping him, and "accidentally" doing other stuff to him because it was not right, and it was not o.k. I also told my son to pray for the other child, and to ask God to show him the right time to talk to the other boy and give the right words to say. I also explained to my son that sometimes people will keep picking at you if you don't deal with them directly; he had to stand up to this other child.

I also wrestled with whether I should tell him to defend himself. But I agree with Diane B., that self-defense is hard to teach at this young age. However, I will be enrolling both of my son's in some sort of marital arts so that they can defend themselves as they get older, which I think will become important. I liked B's "three-step" solution as well.

As with a lot of other parenting issues, I don't think there is one thing that will necessarily work in all situations at all times. My prayer is that I can help them figure out how to respond to each challenge in a God-honoring way.

You have to be incredibly careful about self defense in the case of bullying. The bullied is highly likely to get into serious trouble instead of it being recognized as defending himself.
The bully, and so very often the parents of the bully, will of course see that they did no wrong. They were "being sassy" or "just teasing" or just "being funny". They will do everything in their power to make it the fault of the victim.
Teachers are in the terrible position of being made to "be fair" and "not taking sides" so unless they see everything first hand they have to take everyone's word for what happened. Of course the stories are going to conflict because one will be lying, bets on the bully. The teacher will likely say both are at fault and the punishment won't fit the crime for the bully and the victim is now being punished for doing nothing wrong.
Hitting only makes more trouble for the victim sadly.

My kids have my full permission to defend themselves and hit back. Never first. They haven't had to do it. But I encourage them to if necessary. I'm pretty old-school in my parenting though :)

Telling a little child not to hit back when hit is terrible on many levels in my opinion unless they are old enough for debates and the situation warrants it. Especially today when kids are so mean and undisciplined by authorities. Kids have to defend themselves.

Actually when my son was 2 1/2 a 3 year old was picking on him daily in a gym daycare. My son was nervous and crying and scared to go in there. The mom and daycare workers did nothing but time outs and "talking". I rehearsed how to hit back with my son. I warned the mom he was allowed to defend himself since she wasn't disciplining her child. One day the child hit my son, and my son pushed him down. The kid hit the wall with his head and screamed like a banshee. And never bothered my son again. The daycare worker confirmed my son did not push the kid until provoked. That three year old was later asked to leave the daycare for angrily hitting an infant in the head with a toy. The mom never did discipline the kid or see anything wrong with his "natural tendencies". I presume he's been hit by quite a few kids by now if he kept acting that way...