Self-soothing Skills

Self soothing for what?

When my son is angry he punches a punching bag, when he is worked up he walks in circles. When my daughter is worked up she bugs her brother and then he uses the punching bag.

It would really help to know where she needs these skills at.

Learn them and lead by example.

I'm a recovering alcoholic raised by a screamer who made me hate myself. We're adults, so we're responsible for fixing ourselves now.

Everyday I have to remind myself that I'm not in control of anyone/anything other than myself and MY reactions. And everyday it seems I'm given an opportunity to practice some virtue - patience, kindness, patience, courage, empathy, patience.

It's ok if you make a mistake. Your kid will too. But then you'll both learn the secret to life. Everybody gets knocked down - what matters is whether you get back up.

So get back up on that horse again, J.! I was a professional drunk for almost 2 decades. If I can do it, you can do it too. :)

eta - ummm, lol, don't try the drinking. I meant if I can dig myself out of that pit, so can you. :) Sounded odd when I reread it, but I'll leave it there for everyone's entertainment. :)

Practice them together. When you're angry, ask your daughter for ideas on how to calm yourself down. I've done this and had standard responses such as "take deep breaths" and more interesting responses such as "pretend you have a banana (or truck, or broom, or whatever) on your nose". Frankly, I found the silly thought more effective than the deep breathing.

Another very interesting method I learned in a parenting class was to run water over your hands. This was a method someone had used to calm down.

And a classic response is to have a personal space (a small tent would be good) where your daughter can go to cool off. Make sure there are toys or items (a squeezy ball?) that she can play with or manipulate to help her calm down.

Most importantly, talk it through with your daughter when you are angry or frustrated and need to calm down. It will help to show her you're human, even adults need to practice these things (calming down is not automatic), and you appreciate her insight. Hopefully, she'll be able to welcome your assistance when she needs to self soothe.

Good luck!

I suggest you get some self-soothing coping skills and then model by example.

You CAN'T teach your daughter something that you don't know. So, you are being a good teacher and a better mother by getting yourself coping mechanism that she can emulate.

One way you can start is to engage in a running dialogue with yourself, but out loud.

I am very angry at that driver that cut me off just now. I would like to scream and yell. I would like to drive really fast and honk my horn at him. I would like to call the police. But those things would be unsafe, so I am going to take three deep breaths and then I am going to think about last summer when I was at the lake and had a nice time. But I'm still going to pay attention to the road while I drive, so that we stay safe.
There - I'm feeling better. I'm not going to let that other driver who is rude, make me have a bad day or possibly have an accident.

If you talk out loud during stressful times your daughter will learn the techniques that you use and she can begin to use them herself.

Start your day with your dtr, go outside take a deep breathe, stretch up breathe out, then stretch from the groung to the sky, realize that you are fortunate to be able to to do that and repeat as needed.

I seriously doubt you have no coping skills. If you have lived life, the good times and the bad, you HAVE coped through things. You don't always blow up and shop and eat every time anything bad happens do you? REALLY? If so you need help with that and don't worry about your daughter until you get help for yourself. If you DO actually cope with stuff sometimes, focus on what you CAN do. You can turn things around without eating and shopping at times, so keep practicing that.

As for your daughter: I have a six year old daughter. She wouldn't self-soothe with possessions or food unless I gave her possessions and food to soothe her. I don't. I give her hugs, and I listen to her and help encourage her with sincere words to help her work through stuff. As for tantrums-I find not allowing them works best. It sounds harsh to people who don't see it in action. But regarding huge upsets and tantrums as "real tragedies that need soothing" is often the wrong approach for kids. Sometimes they just need to know there will consequences if they choose to proceed in blowing up over nothing, and the problem is solved. I can't count how many times my kids totally forgot they were upset with a calm warning of impending discomfort from me if they didn't cut the dramatics. My 2 1/2 year old needs about 15 warnings a day to NOT begin a fit, and she knows she can't execute one without consequences, so she moves on to playing instead. That leaves the real soothing for the real tragedies, and again, hugs and listening are best for those.

I do model this behavior as well. When bad things happen, I don't blow a gasket and act self destructively. I just wasn't raised that way. I control my temper and act respectfully, which is what I was taught with discipline and love. So my kids see me enforcing the rules I also follow. If you were raised in a way that did not enable you to have coping skills, you need to get to the bottom of that.

I find as adults, people who had parents who curbed their tantrums effectively, grew into self disciplined teens and adults. Of course this can be taken to a negative extreme. But to allow he huge blow outs all the time does not teach kids to control themselves, and self control is a skill we all need in the world to cope well. Future self-control is NOT enhanced by allowing fits and not "making" kids learn to control it. I have friends who say their kids have gotten so much better than when they were younger with fits-which is true-but they're still leagues behind kids who were not allowed to have the fits to begin with.

When I think self soothing, I think upset, tired, teary, not angry. So...if I can't lean on my husband or get a hug from someone, I've found that if I gently rub my forearms tickling them almost, I am calmed. This rubbing is something my sister used to do to me when I was a child to relax me when I was restless in church. It now works to soothe me.

I wonder about same thing, except my little one is younger, so I am hoping she hasn't noticed yet. :) Given that your daughter is older, perhaps you could make this a team effort: Talk to her about the need to be able to handle stresses without eating, shopping, etc, and discuss with her honestly that you know how hard it is, but perhaps you can help one another to learn and practice. I have been reading a book called the Mindful Child (I think) about teaching mindfulness to children and adults. That might be a place to start. It is wonderful that you are aware of the issue, I wish you and your daughter success in this.