Seeking Suggestions to Help Me Live in an Unhappy Marriage

This sounds simplistic but consider this for a week or two: try being the wife you would like to have. Someone that is happy to see him, compliments what he does, surprises him.... and it may be one sided for a while but after awhile the change in you may bring about the change in him. What could it hurt to try?

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Oh J. You are in a pickle... BUT, there is always hope! I have been there MANY times over the last 25 years. Feelings are fickle and not always to be relied upon. When I have felt the urge to quit I remember the vow I made and all the collateral damage I would have if I decided to walk away. Also, even if the grass looks greener...it still has to be cut! Meaning all the same issues will be there. You really have three options: Stay but do nothing differently, and it will be hard work; Stay but make changes and it will be hard work; leave and it will be hard work. So no matter which way you choose it will be hard work! This is life in the real world. (I know, "darn"!)

Some things that have helped me over the years is to remember that I chose this situation, no one forced me into it. I need to be responsible for this choice and trust that in the future I will see the rewards. (you will) Keeping a "gratitude attitude" in writing made a world of difference. You seem to already be on your way being able to point out Hubby's good. Keep it up! Praise him daily for what he does do and how he behaves. (just like a child...we all need this)Remember the "reasons" you fell in love w/ him in the first place. These aspects usually become our enemies and irritants over time. (Too much of a good thing... but still good.) Do you have a confidant/accountability partner (same sex) that you can share openly and honestly with? Are you getting enough "me time" away from your home? How often are you and Hubby getting out alone on a date to just have fun!?

Marriage was designed by God; how about going to the Designer to fine out what the plan is? There are some wonderful books to help with this. One of THE best is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I went to a conference of this with him and his wife. They have a video series to go with this book. (When I get it back I could lend it to you.) For Women Only by Shanti Feldhan is another recommended book. there is a male version also.

Wife of Noble Character bible study transformed MY life as I could see all the areas that I was/am failing in and the direction in which I need to go. (I usually already know how I fail!) Being willing to "own" my part and not blame Hubby for the mess is huge. Then being willing to work no matter what he is or is not doing is huger still. You will still be left with yourself no matter what happens to your marriage!

Find activities to do together and as a family. We now take turns choosing...No complaining or slacking if the choice is not your "favorite". This is called sacrifice! Remember the days you would do "anything" for him?! Keep doing it.

J, know that this too shall pass. Time will fly by, your child will grow and change, your marriage will grow and change....YOU and Hubby will grow and change...Take it all One Day at a Time. I can do almost anything for ONE day. And so can you.

Write me any time. xo

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First thing....anyone that tells you they don't fight or argue is either lying or doesn't spend anytime with their partner. You are a man and a woman...different in so many ways; you are bound to argue.

It isn't fun to argue all the time, but you seem so amicable I'm wondering if you think you shouldn't argue at all. My hubby and I typically have some sort of disagreement daily. Sometimes just something silly. Sometimes it can get pretty heated.

Second thing I would like to mention is your years together will be up and down. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 10 (we decided to wait to get married because the government wouldn't give him grants for college because they thought this teacher made too much money)...anyway, over the course of those years we have had good ones and pretty bad ones. From week to week things go up and down. It's normal. Have you ever been friends with someone and get along always?

Here are some things I've noticed over the years that ruin marriages:

1.) finances...couples that can't get on the same page about the financial goals and the budget will fight all the time. If you have one trying to be responsible and one spending like a race horse, you will fight...and so on. You didn't mention that so I guess that's not an issue. But if it is, sit down and discuss what the financial goals are together and then stick to the plan. Far less fighting.

2.) sex....women tend to lose labido when they get married. Honestly, after three kids I have none...okay maybe a tiny spark in the works a few times a year and typically when my husband is at work. Usually disappears quickly. Very frustrating for me and especially for him, but we understand that's the way we work. We don't have any unrealistic expectations of passion and romance. I'm not going to swing from the chandeliers, but I'm not going to turn him down because I'm not in the mood. We don't have movie passion...we play a little...he feels better and it's not a big deal because I love him and know he needs a little intimate time more than once a year. :)

3.) Too much tv and novels....many women get this very unrealistic idea of what marriage should be like because they watch waaaaayyyyy too much tv and read those stupid romance novels. They look at their own lives and marriages and get very disappointed. Anyone that tells you those things don't influence them are kidding themselves. We are all influenced by what we read and watch...some more than others, but we are all influenced. Tell me anyone that hasn't bought something because they saw a commercial, read an ad.... How many women out there buy a certain item of clothing because they saw an actress wearing it. How many of us has started using a certain phrase in our speech because we heard it in a movie. It does influence us. So turn off the tv and throw away the romance novels. It leads to serious disappointment.

4.) If you both love your child then you are half way there. That's a good part of marriage. Raising children. Without kids there isn't much to marriage outside of maybe some common hobbies or financial goals to work toward. Kids make being a couple a very rewarding, very satisfying team effort. What better way to better way to build up a marriage for years to come but by working as a team to build a home for your kids? Then when you are old and you have your finances straight, your kids are grown, your more settled and content...then you just spend time enjoying the grandkids, some time on vacation, some time working in a garden or just taking it easy. Slow down, sit on a porch and wave at the neighbors.

Honestly you aren't sighting much that I would consider grounds for divorce. Fighting???? Please everyone fights. Didn't you argue with your siblings? Didn't you argue with your parents? Did you leave them?

Does he cheat on you? Does he beat you? Does he drink? Does he gamble? Does he put you down all the time?

You said he was a great dad. You said he's a great provider. You said he's a very nice person. I'm wondering what more you think there is supposed to be in a husband?

Seriously what do you argue about? Money? Housework? Politics? Religion? What?

He's a great dad, a nice person and a great provider. Sounds like a good husband to me.

I wonder if maybe your expectations are unrealistic and if you just realized that you are going to argue from time to time and figure out what those triggers are and just agree to put them away, you will be fine.

One out of every two marriages is ending in divorce these days. That's pretty darn sad. Why is that I wonder? I think it is because we have a whole bunch of people thinking that marriage is supposed to be fun, fight-free, easy, and relaxing. The first sign of it getting hard and everyone runs for the hills screaming.

First and most important you have to get it out of your mind that divorce is an option...if you think that way it will happen. You can't quit smoking if you think...oh if it gets too hard I'll just start smoking again.

A. My mother said you have to take your vows seriously. You are married until you die. No matter what he does or how much we argue it doesn't matter. I have looked at my hubby and told him you are stuck with me for life so let's make the best of it.

B. Never compare your marriage or the way others are in public with your own marriage. Your marriage is yours. You two are different than everyone else. And often people will behave differently in public than they do in private. Maybe you don't hold hands like other couples or kiss when you part from eachother. That's just how you are. Find out your strong points as a couple and concentrate on them.

C. If you have faith, get into church. Our preacher did a whole series on marriage and the family for several weeks or even months maybe it was. That was so helpful. Not only for me as a wife, but for my husband. So many things we learned that have helped us...

Men and women are different....if you expect your spouse to be like you, then you should have been gay. You aren't alike and stop expecting eachother to behave like you or think like you. You are different and when brought together in marriage you make the perfect WHOLE. His analytic side compliments your sensitive side. Your emotional way of looking a things tones down his matter-of-fact insensitive side. We bring to the table what the other is lacking.

What bugs you most about your kids...like whining for example or yelling to solve problems or argueing to socialize is typically what they have learned from you. That has got me thinking about whining for sure and my impatience.

Men need to be helpful...they have to solve problems (that's why they offer unwanted advice when we are trying to vent...because they have a neeeeeedddd to fix). They are happiest when they are working, solving, fixing...they need to feel useful. They need to be the hero in their family...Do you build him up? Do you compliment his abilities? Do you tell him when he's done something good?
That's definitely something I have a problem with. I often tear my hubby down, complain about everything he did wrong, and pick on him about everything he forgot....sometimes I wonder if he thinks I ever loved him. I've been working on that one for awhile now.

Women need some action. They need their hubby to do for them...not just tell them. I always tell my hubby if he wants to turn me on, then do the dishes. Helping me with things that are piling up on me really makes me happy. Remembering what I've told him makes me happy. It hurts when five minutes after a conversation he can't remember anything...because it seems he just doesn't care about what I think thus he forgets it immediately. My preacher did good pointing this out to the men in our church.

Really I could go on and on, but that's silly in this forum. You need to think about what you expect from your marriage. Talk to your husband about what you need, expect and what he needs and expects....compromise. Honestly it's worth fighting for and working very hard to make it successful. AFter five years you really haven't been in it long enough to build something strong. It takes much work and much time.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you will find what you need to make it work. Too many people just give up and quit. Your family is worth it.

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Wow...that just sounds so...sad. Your toddler can pick up on your unhappiness. Look ahead to when your child is in a relationship. Is this the kind of relationship you want him/her to be in? Because this is what you are modeling. Your child learns more from how you act than what you tell him/her. How would your child feel knowing that he/she was the only reason you two stayed together? Marriage should not be something you just "get through." Definitely find some counseling...there are services available on a sliding scale if you look in the right places. Please do this for your child...

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Good Day,
While it really seems that you have some great parts of your marriage there is an unspoken area that is bothering you. I hear you saying you want to know what you can do and that you are not just trying to point a finger at him. Sounds healthy!

Off the bat, I have 3 books that come to mind along with the movie, Fireproof. The movie is about a marriage that appears to have no hope and comes full circle after the husband goes through a process in the book that really exists: The Love Dare. Great book! It kinda takes you back to dating or just recognizing things you can do to serve/respect your spouse. Another is the Five Love Languages. Basically, we all have a love tank that requires 5 types of love and we can be dominant in one/two that we need. Lastly is the hardest but most rewarding. I have gone through it with a group of women twice. It is called Created to Be His Helpmeet. I have seen women's marriages transformed. While I have never felt how you are feeling right now, it has made a difference in my own. It has taken it to another wonderful level. I hope you will be blessed with getting back to a relationship that brought you together.
Take Care,
M.

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Hi M. J!
I have been married for six years and we have a beautiful daughter. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes we may have felt distant but things happen. Having a child chances our lives, finances, our daily routines can have alot to do with it. However, I want to encourage you to work on your marriage even if you see that there is no light at the end of the tunnle to me it seems that this a marriage worth fighting for. THere is a book that I am reading called The Love Dare I love it. It is for marriages that may be going through a hard time. It gives you daily tasks to do and a space for journaling your experiences. This book helps you to understand your spouse and even understand yourself. It helps you bring back those dating times you had before you were married. I encourage you to buy the book it is from that movie Fire Proof. I have to always remember the covenant I made before God on April 11th, 2003 to love, cherish, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer and till death do us part you know. And even through dry times where you feel there is no sparks. Remember that love is not a feeling but a commitment. You deserve to be happy, your husband deserves to be happy but happy together not apart. Marriage takes work constantly. You both are one. It is worth a try but what I can say is to focus on changing yourself look at what is lacking and try to change do not worry right now about your husband but worry about yourslef because you can't change anyone but yourself. What can you do to change how things are going? When you start thinking what you can do you will see sooner or later your hausband will catch on and what to change himself. Once again I encourage you to buy this book The Love Dare you will enjoy it and you do not even have to tell him you are reading this book. I will suggest that you don't you will see. Let me know what you have decided and if you want to talk let me know so that I can give you my number.

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I haven't read all your responses but I have seen the movie Fireproof and the accompanying book the Love Dare mentioned. I rented the movie and thought it was good too. I know there is a Fireproof/Love Dare group on Facebook too.

I don't know where you are located but we go to a church in Rockford called Heartland and they do a group called Marriage Matters. I have heard some excellent feedback on it - people saying that they got more out of it than counseling as well as other positive statements. It is open to anyone from those who feel that they are drifting from their spouses to those with divorce papers on the table. Some friends of ours went through it because they felt that they had "just lost that spark." If you want more info, you can e-mail ____@____.com (the guy in charge of the program)

Oh, an one last thing. A few months ago they did a sermon called "Matrimonotony" about how marriages can get dull. It was really good. My fil downloaded it to his ipod and listens to it regularly and he and my mil have been married 37 years and have what I would call a very good marriage. But he still found it so helpful. I will see if I can find a link to the podcast for you.

ETA - here is the link to the Matrimonotony podcast. http://feeds.feedburner.com/HeartlandCommunityChurchPodcast You have to scroll down to near the end of the page to find it.

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I have been there...maybe not the exact situation as you describe, but I married young and went through a lot of heartache in my marriage, as well as a lot of other stuff. I went through being married, but simply sharing living space, among many other things.

I am not sure what your faith is, but I tried everything and the only thing that worked was and is Jesus. He is the only thing that gave me true peace, Love, encouragement, strength, and direction. When I felt my life falling apart, He was my rock and my sanity.

A relationship with Christ is something you have to do alone...just for you, like you stated. No book helped me...no classes helped me...no website...no information on what to do...friends/advice were great to have in the moment, but in the end they didn't help either. Therapy gave me a place to vent and be guided, but nothing gave me the fullness I got when I went to Christ. I made it complicated, but it was simple...Jesus. Trust me, I tried so many things, but this is the only way I found answers...answers that gave me peace.

One way I started my relationship with Christ was by joining a church, but I got very close to Him by reading His Word-Bible and different studies or devotionals that further expanded on His Word.

Be encouraged. It can be a hard and lonely walk, but the Lord can give you the strength you need to get through it and make it a lot less lonely and a lot less difficult. You will get through it. You both will. It may not be how you think it will happen...but you will get through this. May peace, Love, and joy fill your heart.

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Hi,
I'm sorry I don't have a personal "been there - done that" message, but I have heard of something that has helped people I know. Get the book "Fireproof". http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/
The program was created by Christians, but I don't believe the book itself is overtly religious and you can just get the book. If you are religious though there are some other Christian resources on the websites. Also many churches offer free counseling. Good luck!

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You sound like things have gone lukewarm and you don't know where to go. Find someone to watch your kid (I know you said you couldn't bear to go a day with out seeing your kid but the best thing you can do for your kid is have a happy family for him/her to grow up int) and take a trip together. Even if you're strapped financially, this is the most important investment you can make. And it doesn't have to be far, just a hotel, get a nice dinner (or a crappy dinner and a walk somewhere nice) but do something that you can have fun with...find a common hobby that you can get into...or go back to what you guys did when you first met that made you fall in love, even if it's getting stinkin drunk and rowdy, do whatever it takes. Because you loved him once and you don't sound angry or hateful so I think you just need a reminder. If you have to look at it as doing this for your child then so be it, but going through the motions will at least get you started.
Even if you aren't a Christian check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (I might have his name wrong).
You sound like half of the cases in his book. And if you are a Christian, or at least open to the faith, find a women's group at a local church. You will find some amazing women with great stories that will make you feel so normal, and will help you to focus and find happiness again in your marriage.

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Start looking at the good in your husband and remember why you married him. Marriages have there ups and downs the trick is to work through the downs. It is well worth it. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and there have been times I thought we were not going to make it. I couldn't even stand to be in a room with him.
One thing we do is we try to go out once a week without kids. It gives us time to reconnect.
We do everything when possible together shopping, painting the house, car repairs etc...
No matter what you do there are going to be off times.
After my mother past away I went through a very rough period that was hard for my husband to understand.Our marriage really suffered because of it. We were talking about counseling after being married for 19 years! All I could think about was divorce. I was even trying to figure out how I could afford tolive on my own. We decided instead of counseling to go on a camping trip together. Our first vacation without children in 18 years. It was the best counseling we could have ever had. I believe your children should be with you on vacation so this was very hard for me but in the end I knew we had to do something and I am glad we did it. Sometimes you just need the time to reconnect.
It is hard to remember how much you love your spouse when you are stressed from everyday life.Take the time to look around you each day and see the good in your husband. After 20 years of marriage my husband and I still hold hands.

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Hi M. J,

I am sorry to hear you are having problems with your marriage. Hear is my suggestion.....Have you watched the "Fireproof" movie? Try watching that movie (together or by yourself) and get the "Love dare" book that goes along with that movie. (I believe you can get both of them from Wal-mart). I saw the movie and went through the book. I feel everyone should watch this movie (and the book) when they are getting married. It has alot of good advice and thoughts towards marriage. My husband and I have been married for 20 years, and no, it is not easy. It does take work. We also have 5 children (20yrs - 2yrs). Kids can add extra workout to a marriage also. More than some people think. At least check it out.
Good Luck,
J. J.

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M. J,

Only you and your husband know if your marriage can be saved and I have no advice on how to go about doing, or even knowing, that. What I can do is tell you I've been there, done that, and have scars to prove it - internal scars. I thought I was okay living in an unhappy marriage, doing it for the kids, the finances, and because my husband (now my ex) wasn't that awful. I thought my kids were better off in a two parent, two income household, than living with a single M. who would be struggling in many ways. I lived like this for over twenty years before I finally pulled the plug. My ex was unwilling to work with me, thinking we were okay and if I was unhappy then I needed to fix myself. I tried. I read books, went to Bible studies, prayed, did counseling, talked with friends who had saved marriages and those who had let them go, and yet, I was unhappy. It was reflected onto my kids and I didn't realize this until I left, and they were more relaxed, laughed more, and were calmer. My oldest son, who was 18 when I left the marriage, had gotten it in his head that I only stayed because of him. Some conversation we had had that convinced him of this, though it wasn't true, and he was very upset by it.

I'm not saying any of this to discourage you. By all means, if your marriage can be saved do it. If mine could have been I would have done it too. But if it can't be saved, and you get to the point you know it, then don't stay for the kids, for finances, companionship, or even out of fear of the unknown. You are not doing yourself, or your kids, any favors.

It's very hard doing this on my own, but if I would have realized how freeing it would be, or how affected my kids were by what they lived in, I would have done it years ago. I now have to spend time healing myself and my children. I'm not saying I regret staying, it's part of my life experiences that made me who I am today, but it was much harder staying and healing now, than it would have been had I done this sooner.

I do, truly, hope you can save your marriage. Best of luck to you.

S.

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One book that has really helped me is "How one of you can bring the two of you together." I can't remember the authors name, but I'm sure you could find it at the library. It's very good. So many relationship books have stuff for both partners to do, and it's so frustrating when the other partner doesn't read those types of books. This book just has you working on yourself and it's great.

Another really good book is "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura. Very good.

Another tip I have is to focus on the postive aspects of your husband. Write them down. Think about them every day. You obviously loved him enough at one time to marry him. Maybe you can get those feelings back. Focus on him and buidling him up. You may be surprised how he could respond. For some unfair reason, the woman seems to be the heart of the mood and feelings in the home. If you can change, then he may change.

Another tip is act "as if." Act as it you love him. Do all those things you would do if you were dating. Start all over. Sometimes if you act a certain way, the feelings will follow. (Like sometimes actors and actresses fall in love doing a movie.)

Every marriage has it's ups and downs. On our first wedding anniversary a friend gave me a card that said "marriage is falling in love over and over again with the same person." It's a good way to describe it. Hang in there. It could get better with work and you will be so glad you stayed!

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From what you say it doesnt appear there is a major issue to overcome. You may be surprised to hear most marriages experience unhappy periods. My husband & I have fallen in & out of love several times over our 28 year marriage. Like you at first counseling was not an option & I sought out classes & support groups. One invaluable tool that I teach is EFT (check out my site www.lilibetancourt.com or emofree.com)
I also include EFT in stress management classes at Wright College. EFT is taught by therapists & in hospitals as a way to achieve & maintain emotional balance. It is very effective & simple enough that you can teach your children to use it to feel better as well.

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I'm in the "been there/done that" camp, so I do know how you feel. My husband was miserable in his job, and I think clinically depressed for much of the last 4 years. We also have a son with a disability, which puts a huge strain on a marriage. In the middle of all of this, we made a huge move here from Texas where I had to leave my entire support system behind and start over. We got to the point in our marriage where we were roommates attempting to live civilly under one roof for the sake of our child. I am a SAHM, so I couldn't afford to live on my own, so I stayed with him despite waking up many mornings not wanting to look at my husband. We are not religious, so I can tell you that you can get the support you need, the passion back into your marriage, and find a joy in your own life without church or religion at all. A few people mentioned talking about how you met and the love that you had back then. I highly recommend this. After you put your little one to bed, just sit down with your husband, look at photos of you when you were dating, do cheesy things together and laugh. I know it's hard to do when there's housework to be done and a child to take care of, but if you take just a little time each night to reconnect, it can get better. I'm also of the camp that if you've realized you two aren't compatible anymore, there's no reason to stay married for the child. My parents did that, and my sisters and I knew they hated each other for 10 years before they got divorced. Another thing that really helped me was finding a passion of my own that I did without my husband. It's so easy to lose yourself when you become a wife and mother that if you can find one thing that makes you really happy, it carries over into everything else in your life. Right now, my husband and I are closer than we've ever been, and I'm very happy that we stuck it out. It did take us almost a year to get back to the point where we're best friends and truly enjoy being with each other, but there is hope in any marriage if there's still love. Good luck, and if you ever want somebody to talk to (even a complete stranger) feel free to email me.

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Hi M. J,
I'm a been there and still doing that, but in Jesus Christ.
I encourage you to get a relationship with Christ,and learn there is more to marriage than just marrying our boyfriend and a having children. It's work, but soooooo worth it when you get spiritual understanding and know that all things work together for the good. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband of 8 yrs, & 3 beautiful children. I would be more than happy to share my personal testamonies, and bring you in on some women groups. Please feel free to call or email me @ ____@____.com/1-###-###-####.Until then I'll be praying for you , that you'll continue to want to save your marriage. Please don't give up or listen to bad counsel. God has big plans for you!

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Hello.

It sounds like you are keeping the peace as much as possible. It can be hard at times, I'm sure. There will always be things you both don't completely agree on, but you have to remember that you each are different. Something attracted you to him and keep thinking about that and both of you can keep trying to meet each other in the middle. Try to stay positive and things can get better, because your child will notice things as time goes on. Most importantly, find a relationship with God. If I can only tell you of the experience I've had with God, you would totally give in. God is SO real and is always around to help us, but we have to seek him (in other words, work towards that spiritual relationship). Pray for patience and guidance from the Lord and He WILL give it to you, you just have to do your part. Along with this is you and your husband need to schedule "alone" time for the two of you. Take advantage of your parents or his or other siblings or friends that can watch your child just for a few hours while you two spend adult time together. By doing this, it does NOT mean you don't love your child. God knows our needs and he knows we need to spend adult time together with our spouse. You should notice a difference with prayer and keeping a positive attitude to make your marriage work. One movie I highly suggest is, The Fireproof. You two should watch it together one night. I'll keep you guys in my prayers. Good luck and God bless!

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The Love Dare is a book out there that is Christian based. There are activities to do with your partner over 40 days that are supposed to help strengthen the marriage. The movie Fireproof has been inspirational for many and the book is what the movie was based on or where it derived from, one of the two. Kind of a cheap form of do it yourself counseling. Good luck to you!

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You need to either fix your marriage or end it. Living in this unhappy limbo status is unhealthy for all of you. It is true that a child often ends the romance in a marriage or at least puts it on hold for awhile. Marriage also has peaks & valleys. If you think you may still love your husband, then you need to spend more time reconnecting with each other. You need to go out as a couple & spend some time without your son. I know $ is tight, but ask family or friends if they can babysit. There are even baby sitting family groups that will exchange baby sitting for free; the catch is you will baby sit someone elses child/children on occasion. Try & do this at least every other week. If you are truly not in love with him anymore than you should end the marriage. Just because you don't openly fight in front of your son does not mean that it is a healthy environment. Children are very perceptive & can feel tension & lack of love. Being in this kind of environment does not show him how a loving & healthy relationship between & couple should be. It sends all kinds of wrong & mixed messages. The bottom line is that you need to be pro-active about your situation & your happiness.

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Where are you in your spiritual life? Do you pray?...read the bible...and/or go to church? It can help. 5 years ago my husband and I separated. We have two children. Our problems started about the 6th year of our marriage (we are now in our 16th year). We hung on, we argued, he stayed out all night, basically did what he wanted, leaving me with caring for the kids, sometimes paying the bills on my own...just behaving as if he was single without any responsibilities ...etc. etc. During this time I started back to church. I wasn't going regularly but I needed to do something so I chose church...praying for our marriage and reading the bible. Talking with friends was not helpful...some were single never married and some were divorced and bitter. None of what they would say to me even felt right. So I kept praying and reading the bible trying to find some peace. I came upon scripture that said God does not make mistakes...but at the time, being in that situation of an unhappy marriage...I questioned that scripture...but I kept praying... still nothing, not that I could see anyway. Then oneday He said he couldn't take it anymore that he needed some time. I was devastated and then angry. We were separated for almost a year. I still prayed, read the bible and decided that I was not going to give up. I continued to ask God what to do. WAIT is what I kept reading (bible), PATIENCE is what I kept hearing. To make a long story short, sometime in that year God was working on him... I didn't see it...but He was. My husband came home. Our family faithfully goes to church and we try to have family prayer and biblestudy...sometimes life gets in the way but we try. Children (15yrs and 12yrs) keep us (me)busy. I suggest that if you don't pray start praying and if you do pray continue...but listen, be patient because God will hear you. He knows your heart and he knows what you need before you even ask. He will answer in His own time. Trust in Him and he will get you through. Psalms 9:10 - And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

SEEK HIM!

I hope this helps.

MK

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Dear M. J,
I have felt exactly as you describe! But I want to strongly urge you to persevere- I have now been married nearly 30 years, and am crazy-in-love with my husband! Feelings ebb and flow, and in those times when I was so unhappy, it seemed as if things would never be different. There is a great line from the movie "Firproof": Don't follow your heart, LEAD your heart!" We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what we say and do, and over time, our feelings will always come into line with our actions. It's just how we're made! As for specific advice, I would echo nearly everything that Michelle said below! I heartly recommend "Fireproof", and the Love Dare, as well as the book "created to be his helpmeet". I'll warn you now- when I first read it, I didn't like it. But as I pondered it more, I came to see the truth in what the author was saying, and as I implemented it in my marriage, the transformation was profound. Marriage is precious- do all you can to strengthen and preserve it, both for your sake and for your child's. Blessings- N.

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Hi M. J,

From the many responses you received you can tell you are not the only one living in unhappy marriage. Everybody went through that. I went through that myself. When I married my husband I gave up everything I liked. Now after 6 years of marriage I realized that I married somebody I didn't love. It's like I was blind. I think I married a type of person I don't like and I don't understand at all. Now if I look back I think I got married just to get out of my parents house. But tell you the truth I ran away from my mothers personality and I married my husband who has the same personality as my mother or even worse.
I was depressed after I had my first baby and I was crying a lot. I felt like my husband didn't understand me and he didn't. So after 4 years of very unhappy marriage I realized I needed something. I had to be happy or we will get a divorce and I didn't want that. I always felt like when you get married is for life. I never thought that the divorce is a solution. And usually the kids suffer the most. So for me it was having friends around me, trying to do things hat would make me important, that would make me feel better. So for start I started to work from home. This is where I met a lot of new moms and I made a lot of new friendships. Once I did that I felt much better. I tried to get out of the house a lot. I joined a lot of M. groups on meetup.com This helped greatly. This is where I met a lot of moms in my area. I started to take my kids to a lot of playdate and great events. So I started to feel much better. Also we go to church every Sunday. So reading from the Bible I always had in my mind that verse about forgetting about yourself and make the others happy. I realized that trying to make my husband happy would make me happy, would make me feel good. So I moved my attention from me being unhappy to how to make my husband happy. Believe me it makes such a difference. Because when you do that you don't have time to be depressed and unhappy. I was trying to find ways on how to make him happy, but at the same time I found what made me happy (for example; helping other moms work from home or talking to my friends, taking my daughter to classes, getting involved in the M. groups.) At the same time I try to keep the house clean, take good care of the kids and make sure I have dinner on the table for my husband all the time.
Also, on my birthdays he never gets me anything, sometimes flowers, but he doesn't have ideas on what to give me or what to buy me, so now I don't care about my birthdays anymore. But on his birthdays I always try to do something that he likes. I make him little surprises just because I see he likes them. (not because he deserves them necessarily). But it makes me happy when I see he enjoys it.

I hope this helps. And just so you know in this hard times that you go through it you think that God doesn't help you or He is not close enough. This is not truth: He actually is caring you because you are hurt and you can't walk anymore. You said you are not religious, but you don't have to be religious to pray. I would suggest you start praying, because God can still help you and He can do it in ways you can't even imagine. God can totally change your husband so you can love him. I know it might be something hard to imagine, but this marriage will keep working only if you still want that.

God bless you and your family!

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Hi M. J,

I think it is great that you're being proactive to help keep the marriage together especially with a little toddler involved!

My husband and I kind of going through the same situation in that we are looking to find each again after spending the last almost two years of concentrating on our son! It seems like this happens a lot in the first couple years with a child.

Anyhoo, we are finding our support at church. So that is where I recommend you and your FAMILY head to. If you find a church who can welcome your family, a minister who can help you talk out some issues and possible a couples bible study....then maybe you can help find your love again.

Another suggestion would be to watch Fireproof and take the 40 day marriage challenge! I haven't done it...but my church is starting this next fall and it seems really interesting. Something to check out: http://www.fireproofyourmarriage.com/

Best of luck to you both - I don't think it will be an easy road but it will definitely be a worth while road!

God Bless,

C.

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Hi,

I highly recommend The Lilac Tree in Evanston, which is for women who are considering divorce. They have a variety of offerings, from individual counseling to support groups for people who are just considering to meet to seminars, plus lots of referrals for lawyers, mediation, financial planners, etc. I was lucky that my marriage (seems to be) recovered, but I attended their Divorce University in the fall, and was floored by how helpful it was.

I highly recommend it, and they work with your financial situation.

Good luck and best wishes,
M.

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Sorry to hear - sounds like you've just grown apart. We have gone through tough spots and counseling has helped. My employers benefits covered it. You have to decide if you are going to like or not like that person. Every night you could say to yourself:
- god it bugs me the way he fusses with the blankets before he gets in bed.
OR
- he was really sweet to Janie at dinner tonite when she talked about her best friend.

Glass is half empty or half full. You can control your perspective.

Eventually though your kids will figure it out and I think the last thing any great M. wants is to "model" for their children is a loveless marrriage. As adults, they will seek the relationship you taught them.

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I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. All relationships have their ups and downs/ins and outs.

Marriage is a partnership. You can't be the one making all the changes, your husband needs to change and adjust as well. Otherwise, your resentment will fester and grow. You said counseling is not an option, but you need to put your marriage and relationship first. You need to find out if you want to stay married. I really recommend marriage counseling and possibly individual counseling - whether you do it through your church or through a professional.

Do you want your child to grow up thinking that being unhappy in a relationship/marriage is not only normal but acceptable? Do you think it's right that you put the responsibility of staying in this unhappy marriage on your child? Because that's what you're doing - as hard as that is to accept.

You have some decisions to make. No one said that marriage is easy. It is actually hard work. Best of luck to you.

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yes, been there and done that...i think MOST OF US could say that..or admit that... although it's not always easy to do/say! Look, if he is not hurting you then you owe it to yourself to keep trying. If he is hurting you in some way then that's a different story. If you feel he is just "not right" for you maybe it's time to make it better? Invest more time together, get some hobbies together...see what is the real "issue"... is there something he does or says that bothers you? Be honest too - have you or he allowed a 3rd party in there? NOT fair to do that...not for either of you. I am not an expert on the subject maybe somebody else is, but I can say from experience that I had some real low points in my marriage (11 years now, 1st marriage here) and am now on a pretty high point. That seems to be the life! So look back on the good parts and try to remember what is so different now. Are you taking care of your health? is money an issue? how about the private life? still good? need some work there? dig deep...be honest with yourself and then him. keep working at it!! i think you will be glad you did. at the end of the day, people often times base their marriage on "feelings" well, feelings change all the time! better to be accountable, you and him, to a way of life you both can live with ie: a religious code or even a constitution you both follow and write yourselves... then stick to it. even if you were to quit now, what then??? the 2nd and 3rd marriages of most women seem tougher than the 1st from what i am told... you can do it! just dig deep to see where the real issues are then work on them. take care.

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I feel your pain. I want to congratulate you on not giving up! People only get closer by going through the struggles together. I have been married 32 years next week. That doesn't make me old...I got married when I was 18. We have 3 beautiful girls. It has been a struggle. Over the years we tried counselling , seminars, books and tapes. About 6 years ago our church offered a group for struggling marriages and it was free so we went. It was better than anything we had ever done up to that point. We were able to see and hear other couples that had the same/similar problems , so we didn't feel like we were the only ones. We also were able to see oursleves in other people ...so we got a different perspecitve on our problems. They taught us that you can't do anything about the other person...you can only change yourself...and then helped us each work on ourselves. They suggested books and offered daily support of someone to talk to. We went to this group every week for a year...we have been leading the group now for the past 5 years. I would recommend it to anyone. It is at our church...you don't have to attend church there to come. We have people from all types of churches. It's open to the public. They also offer childcare. It is Calvary Church in Naperville (the big one on Rt.59) before the FoxValley Mall. We meet on Thursday evenings at 7pm and on Sunday mornings at 8:30am and 10:30am. Let me know if you are interested in checking it out. There are no obligations and you never have to talk or say anything , you will get just as much out of listening. My email is ____@____.com ...or you can call the church directly at 1-###-###-####.

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I am happiest in my marriage when I focus on the positive characteristics of my husband instead of picking him apart."Like yours, he has faults but is a good person.

Your employer may offer six free sessions through the EAP. Go for yourself and he can be invited to join so its not called marriage counseling.

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Hi i have not ever been married, i have however been in a long term relationship, and things were just getting worse over time. My M. and step dad however were going through a lot and the movie Fireproof helped them a lot. There is the movie and also the book. Now this will work if you really do as it is saying, and only if you want things to get better. From the sounds of things you want things to work out for all of you as a family...I am not sure if you have seen this movie or not but if this is entered in with hope and prayer you will both get through this....I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you to have the guidence that is needed to get you and your family through these tough times.....Best wishes to all of you....

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M. j,
I can definitely say that I empathize with you. Being married more than 6 years, we're well past the honeymoon phase of our marriage, and well into the "love is a choice" phase!!! Good for you for choosing to stay with it. But you don't have to be miserable, sacrificing happiness for the sake of your union. I believe when we choose to love our spouses, it brings us power and true joy. And no one can stay cold in the presence of true love. If you commit to loving your husband and show him that love in whatever way is right for you (and him), you'll find yourself experiencing a joy that is beyond "happy, in love", which never stays forever, and you will most likely see your husband returning that love. It is true contentment, and it comes from God. It is never a mistake to choose love. And it will come back to you, just see!!! I am not always happy in my marriage, but I believe in my marriage. Believe in your marriage! Fight for it! Even if you do not like him at the moment and have a lot of legitimate grievances, and even if you feel that he's the one who needs to change, be a powerful woman and pour love into that man's very soul, think of him as a beloved child of God, and you both will be transformed.

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It's pretty intense but it's really good, it's called "Sacred Marriage" The premise is what is God intened marriage to make us Holy, not happy...and then no matter what your situation, you have purpose. It's very counter cultural, but it is so good and so right on.

Also if there is any way possible google "Weekend to Remember" If there is any chance your husband would attend, it could be life changing.

Blessings on you for making such a hard yet wise choice for your family.

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you and your husband need to watch the recently released movie fireproof! It is an awesome movie about marriage!

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I highly recommend doing the book- the love dare there is also a movie called fireproof out that is about a marraige in trouble and the guy doing the love dare. Good luck!

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I'm curious as to why counseling is not an option right now. Sounds like right now is the best time as ever for counseling because you say "good things" about your husband ("he is a good person" etc) so it seems that you can make it work with the help of counseling.

If you wait too long to get counseling (years), you may not think your husband is a good person anymore and it may be too late. Get counseling now, don't put it off. Fight for your marriage. Counseling can be cheap if you go through an agency with a sliding scale or use your insurance so don't let cost get in the way.

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I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage is full of speedbumps and potholes right now. Let me tell you, though, reading your post was like reading my mind only two weeks ago. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, and will be married for 4 years come this August. We felt like we were drifting apart, and had nothing in common, talking infrequently and were generally miserable. We too have a young son that we both adore, and neither felt that breaking up the marriage was an option.

I went and got spiritual counseling with my church - Scientology. It's called auditing. I received auditing for roughly 25 hours, over the course of 5 days, and it completely changed EVERYTHING. It helped me uncover truths about why things had changed for me, and by extension my husband. We are now, unbelievably, acting like we were when we first got together - goofy in love, and VERY happy. We have reconnected and found all the things we have in common again, and we enjoy being together. It truly saved our marriage, and that was just one small thing I did.

There is a Church of Scientology in Chicago - 3011 N Lincoln Avenue, Chicago. Phone is ###-###-####. They also deliver a type of marriage counseling, but both the individual counseling and marriage counseling are vastly different than the counseling you are probably thinking of. It's worth going in and asking them tons of questions to find out what auditing is and what they can do to help you out. You guys deserve to be happy!! :)

Dear M. J,

I'm very sorry your in this situation. The best source I have found is through videos. Go to your local video store and ask for "Fire Proof". It is a Christian based video about a married couple struggling with their marriage. It was very enlightening and uplifting to me.
I'm sure you love your husband and he loves you. Somehow you both forgot about the other and are now just thinking of yourselves. Start thinking of what you can do to make yourself and him happy and not just yourself. You've lived with him long enough to know his likes and dislikes. Of course don't ever forget about your beautiful bundle of joy, but in times when it is just you and your husband try to lift him up and thank him for all he has done. If there is any love left in him for you, he will recipricate.

I have been through very rough patches in my marriage. Any relationship, especially a marriage is very hard work. I'm sure if you show him your willing to work hard at it he will too. If he doesn't, don't give up, eventually he will see the light.

Good luck, I hope I helped.

A.

Depending on your income level you may qualify for free counceling. Most pastors are a good resource. Bloomingdale Counceling service use to have a support group for women in marital problems once a week for 10 dollars a meeting. If you become depressed there is a support group that meets in the Behavioral building at Central DuPage Hospital the 2nd and 4th Tuesday at night each month. The cost is only 1 dollar for a life time membership. I will tell you if you are not happy, your child will figure out that something is not right. It will not go away. I stayed in a marriage 3 years longer than I should and my 9 year old knew things have not been right for the last 2 years. I have been married 7 1/2 years and I am going through a divorce. I did counceling with pastors, counceling service, and Dr in the psych profession both with and with out my husband. Start with a pastor or clergy. My situation is abusive so I have it a little different. Kids figure these things out the older they get, but most kids want their parents together.

I wish you well in your journey.

I highly recommend a book I read recently - The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage - written by Laura Schlessinger. I read this book when I thought I could no longer stay in my marriage and it helped me a great deal. I got my copy at Kroger for $5.99 about 2 months ago.

Best of luck to you and your entire family.

My heart breaks for you. My husband and I had our rough patches too. Fortunetly we came through it, and we did it with ten times more love and devotion to each other. The biggest suggestion that I can give you is to find a church. I don't know if you are already active in one or if you don't have a religion, but I suggest looking for one. Getting connected with people that have interest in keeping marriages together rather than living "worldly" really will help. Also You can read The Love Dare, Love and Respect, and/or The Power of a Praying Wife- all which you can find at The family Christian Bookstore. Also you could look for marriage studies that you and him can do together. I know that you said you would prefer to do it alone, but sometimes doing something together can show the other how badly you really want things to work. Our church does one in the summer and posts an add in the paper. Our website is www.newsongchurch.net Feel free to come visit or just get info. If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a message. I really wish you the best!

SHANNON A on April 28th nailed it! I loved her response! I would just say DITTO! (I didn't get to reading all of them)

I'm not sure where you live but Parkview church in Orland Park has a divorce recovery class and people to counsel one or both parties of a couple. Check out parkviewchurch.com to check it out. If you're not in the area look to your local churches to see if they have similar programs

Hi M. J,
I've been there. Seek prayer & inspirational books for yourself. Currently I read Joyce Meyer "Starting Your Day Right" and Ending Your Day Right", as well as a book called "Life Lessons for Women" (from the creators of Chicken Soup for the Soul; and another positive book is "99 Questions - God's Answers for Moms". Sometimes you gotta work on "me" when you can't work on "us". Also, with communication being the key, maybe later you will both consider a 3rd party, counseling, in the future. I am separated & the mother of 2. May God Bless you and your family. Anything more I can offer, I'm here. Rita B.

From what you have written your husband is a good man. Who is a good father. Those are hard to find. I agree that love is a choice. Start spending a night a week as date night. START COUNSELING! You seem to have an empty void that needs to be filled. Your husband can't provide you every need you have. Also, raising a child can be extremly tiring. Take naps together. Live him little notes where he can find them telling him about his wonderful qualities. Start going to church where you can meet other families with children. Get a physical and tell your Dr. about how you are feeling.

With all the bad news about the economy it is causing a lot of people stress.

Don't stay in a marriage for your child's sake, but for your own.

Take care
J.
Married to David almost 21 years, one son who is 9 yrs old and daughter 4 yrs old.

Good luck with your situation. I have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. Although we've been together for 26 years, I don't count the last 5-6. He probably doesn't count the last 20, but he won't give me a divorce (still lives w/me and 2 of 3 kids). Of course, he get's rent free living, free food, free use of the car and insurance, tv, electric. He does not contribute to the kids (hasn't for years), no money to bills, he keeps what he earns WHEN he works which is not often and that's for gas, cigarettes and beer.

I refuse to give him any part of my 401K which is why I can't divorce him. We are more or less civil to each other only because he claims that we need to be that way for the kids sake! What a crock. . . anyway. I say 1 word now and then to him, "Is this dinner" - YES. Where are you going? OUT. That's pretty much it. I don't want to talk to him. He walked out on us for 4 years, lived with a bimbo from his bar (10 minutes away) and claims he didn't do anything wrong. Tells the kids, it's my fault, not his. Anyway. Long story, but to get to your question. I hope you can find an agreeable situation, if you still are civil and want to keep custody with him getting visitation rights, I hope that the attorney and judge will be good to you.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert is a great book - it has repeated studies that shows that it helps where most marriage counseling doesn't. Look at the reviews listed here...

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Wo...

Hi M. J,

I am so sorry for what you are going through! It is important to realize (and I know I am echoing what many other's have already said) marriage has it's ups and downs. You will not always "feel" love. Love IS a choice, and is NOT based on feelings. It starts with feelings, but by the time you marry, it's a choice. If you truly want to avoid divorce, then the ONLY choice is to repair your marriage. Trying to "co-exist" politely will only put off the inevitable. You didn't mention if your husband is willing to make an effort towards that end, but if so, I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. Wonderful insights into the love you crave and the respect he needs. Actually, I recommend it regardless of where you husband is at, but any suggestion here is going to be more effective if you both participate.

Another great suggestion that has already been mentioned, but I'll mention again is the movie "Fireproof" along with the book "Love Dare". Powerful stuff about how love is a choice, and act of the will and how the feelings then follow, even more than before!

ANOTHER great suggestion already mentioned is the book "For Women Only" by Feldhahn. She also has a book written with her hubby called "For Men Only". My husband read this one and said it gave him good insight to how the female mind works.

I pray something here helps you...it is SOOO worth the effort involved. Maybe even just start by making a list of everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) you respect about him. Share the list with him...see what happens. To men, respect is water...love is food...meaning he can live without love a lot longer than without respect. This is foreign to us as women, because we are the opposite, but ask him, "Would you rather have my love or my respect". I GUARANTEE the answer will be "respect" and I doubt he'll even pause to think.

Hang in there...and don't be afraid of the work...don't settle for "bearable"...go for GREAT!!! It's very do-able

M. J,
What you described is really the unspoken normal for having small kids! I've been there and probably will be again. When your kids are small things are just more stressful. Make a weekly date night and make the time to get to know eachother better, as you are now, not that person who said "I do" way back when. We all change, the key is to grow together.

DH and I were on the verge of the D word, too. We decided we didn't want our kids growing up away from either of us and worked really hard to make it work. I love him more now than ever before. I respect that you're not religious, and must say we weren't then, but are now. The religious parts of us made our marriage work a whole lot better, inviting God into our marriage really sealed the deal, so to speak. You might think about nurturing that side of yourself, too. If you do go that route, I highly recommend an intro to or some form of Theology of the Body, which is from the teaching of Pope John Paul 2 and well it's simply an amazing look at sex & marriage. You might ask what a pope would know about those things, but you don't have to be a transmission to drive a car. It is insightful, beautiful and helpful.

On a secular note, FlyLady.net is an excellent resource for finding that peace you mentioned in your follow-up note. She's probably the biggest help I got in saving my marriage, other than my sweetie's willingness to work at it, too. She has 2 books, one is "Body Clutter," the other is "Sink Reflections, both are excellent, the first is about body fat & voices in our heads telling us we're not good enough, the second is my favorite, it's how she found peace and ended up helping some 500k people around the world find it in their worlds too. btw Flylady is Marla Cilley and she has a great staff, too. She taught me (in Sink Reflections) so much about being a grown up in a grown up relationship.

Can't stress enough about having a date night to be near each other to reconnect - get a sitter if you are able. If you can't, feed your kiddo early & eat a nice meal together, after his/her bedtime. A mistake we parents make is to have our worlds revolve around our kids and frankly without eachother there wouldn't be any kids, you need to take care of one another, literally and figuratively. I like to call it a soft place to fall. Just remember this trouble passes, IF you take care of eachother. Love isn't a feeling it's a verb, an action, a decision.

Good luck!
D.

Wish I could give you a hug :-) I honestly don't know any honest couple who hasn't been there so have hope. I've been married for 9 years, have 3 beautiful girls and I've definitely 'been there.' However, each time we make it through a rough patch, we're a little bit stronger and things seem stable for a longer and longer periods. I agree with those that have recommended watching Fireproof and I would also highly recommend reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas...I still pull this one out and re-read it at times. I also like The Five Love Languages and found it helpful. I haven't read Love and Respect as someone else recommended but have heard good things about it and it's on 'the list'. Here's the thing to keep in perspective. You can't expect to share your life with someone (we're all imperfect, right?) and not experience highs and lows and unfortunately some of them last awhile. This is true of all relationships though isn't it? I've had rough patches with friends and family members and I fully expect that the teenage years with my girls to be quite the challenge. If you're up for working on some things then I would encourage you to make the effort even if you suspect your husband may not have it in him right now. You'll both get a payoff for your efforts...you can't do it alone forever but you CAN initiate and get started on your own. There's no 'quick' fix for the place you're in BUT keep the faith and keep working at it. If you're putting in the effort, you'll likely wake up one day and realize that although you can't put your finger on a day or time, things are better. It takes awhile but I can honestly tell you that there was a time that I couldn't imagine my marriage working out and I'm so thankful we worked through it. And last, to address the issue that several people have commented on...yes, your child will know when you and your husband are unhappy. However, one of the greatest gifts you can give a child are reconciliation skills and realistic expectations...it is critical for children to see conflict AND loving resolution. If you're open to religion, I'd also recommend joining a church (if you're not already) and a couples small group bible study. It's much easier to keep your marriage healthy when you're doing life with others who are living through a similar life stage (kids) or who are already through it. It's something the two of you can consistently do together and I think you would find it encouraging.

Looks like you have received some great advice and support on here, and I just want you to know that reading your message gave me a sort of comfort in itself. It is like reading my own thoughts. Being married and raising a family is the most challenging thing I will ever do. I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters and I struggle every single day. I feel trapped in my marriage and very much like you, I have a good man that is great father and good provider but unfortunately we have not been on the same page as parents. I know many couples struggle with this but for me it runs deeper. If this possibly makes any sense... I love my husband, but I find it very hard to like him. There have been incidents that I don't think I can ever forgive him for that I keep a running tally of. I am not sure that I am helping much here other than to let you know you are not alone. I am very curious about "Fireproof", but sometimes, as sad as it seems... I feel like I just have to "suck it up" and live in this relationship as best as I can until my girls are older and I am back to work. I am not sure I even want a divorce but a mutual separation at some point. I would love to think that we can turn it around but I have my doubts. Feels like a waiting game, and I do my best to work on my happiness and I think my girls are happy too. The sadness I feel in my marriage is pretty well hidden from them (I hope). Not every day is awful, and that sounds like what you have too. But this is not what I wanted or imagined my marriage to be like. Counseling for us is not really an option either... we can't spend the $$ on it and quite honestly, my husband has no idea I feel this way. At least you and your hubbie acknowledged the rift between you... "Communicating" with my husband always goes horribly so I rarely do it and keep it inside which I know isn't healthy but it's how I deal with it.
I hope you find some common ground and a way to find happiness until you decide what is right for you. I know I have a long road ahead of me and again, thank you for your post and honesty, sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps a little bit. Take care!

I have been there and want to suggest that you do yourself the favor of reading "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. You will find answers to so many of the questions your are asking in its pages.

Best of luck to you and your family.

I'm actually going thru the exact same thing. Been married 5 years w/ a 3 year old son. I was a stay at home M., but since my husband got laid off, I've had to start working again. I kept things bottled up for a long time. Our relationship changed once our son was born. I don't think he's a bad guy either, but I don't like the way he treats me and some of the major life decisions his made w/o my input. In other words, theres a lot of resentment and anger I have for him. However, we were friends for almost ten years before we started dating, and I'm convinced we can be again.
I finally told him how I feel just last week. It wasn't pretty. We yelled and screamed and cried and said some terrible things. I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. It was hard.
But the next day when we got up....we were a lot nicer to each other. We did talk that niether of us can afford to live on our own. We can barely afford it now. So we know we have to get along and stay together for now.
But suddenly it's like the elephant in the room is gone. We're back to being friends now. We're joking around and talking now. The pressures' off. And maybe just getting that out into the open instead of hiding it from each other helped. Maybe by the time we get out of this financial crisis we'll give it another shot. Or maybe we'll just decide to part ways while we can still be friends.
But the talk definitely made things in our household more liveable. And our son even seems happier b/c of it.
I wish you luck. And thank you for writing this....it's nice to know we're not the only ones going thru this.

Hi,

My husband have been married for 14 years and have often felt the same way, but then time passes and we love each other again. Hopefully you'll have the same response.

I think you need to pin point why neither of you is happy. Mood swings? Try taking SAM-e. Not enough sex? Try progesterone cream. Too run down and tired all the time? Maybe an energy drink or vitamins. There's probably something you or he can change that wil make you both more enjoyable to be around. Good luck!

Hi M.,

Well i can say been there done that. Sometimes husband can be the best husband in the world and there is no replacing, and sometimes it feels as though, why are you still here. I have also been married for 5 1/2 yrs and have a child. Same way, he is the light of our life and keeps us together. I realized, maybe its me that needs to change a bit. And remind him of what we had and take him back there, since he busy with work, try to spicen up the relationship again and its working. I give him his space which works out, and I know he is not cheating and nor do I want to be with someone else. I think work on te

You've gotten great advice. I just wanted to add that I think you should work on making yourself happy. Do all the things you love. Schedule special mommy time and get a massage, a manicure/pedicure, join a sports team or a gym, have lunch with your friends, and really concentrate on what makes you happy. I think the gratitude journal is an amazing therapy. Marriage has peaks and valleys and I understand this valley so well. The only thing I can control is what makes me happy. Blessings to you.

I am in an unhappy marriage although my situation is a little different from yours. This is a second marriage for my husband and I. We both have 2 children from our previous marriage and one 10 year daughter together. We both love our daughter dearly and he feels that is the main reason we should stay together. I am at the point I do feel the same way. I am unhappy and I can not figure out how staying together for our daughter will rectify the situation. At first, she wanted us to work it out but she has witnessed our disagreements and she is at the point where I feel she would rather see us apart. I basically would like to say I am not sure if it will get better, we started growing apart when she was 6 now she is ten and it has not improved. I am told that maybe in time things can change, but for me it hasn't. I am not sure if this is helpful, I know its not being optimistic, but I do share a similar pain.

Just want to let you know I've been there. I had 2 children and was very unhappy. I felt I wasn't getting any respect from him. He would do his own thing and he would leave me with the kids 24/7. I was a stay-at-home M.. I sat him down when the kids were napping and told him how I felt and he didn't think anything was wrong. I would make plans with my kids and let him know where we would be. He never came with. I went about my life with my kids like they didn't have a father. I never bad mouthed him , I would just say daddy was busy. The final straw was when my father passed away, I couldn't even lean on him for support. He would try to console me but I was so upset still, 3 yrs after we had our conversation, I leaned on my friends. He finally realized his family was slipping away. We now have 2 more children. He now spends time with us, takes the kids to and from there practices, makes dinner for us and is a lot more pleasant to be with. We are starting to enjoy our life together and our youngest is in kindergarten. It was a long road, but we are finally getting it right and it takes effort on both parts everyday. We have been married 21 years and our kids are 15, 12, 8 and 5.
Good Luck and remember it is not just you in a marriage. Hopefully your husband will realize that.

C. B

Sometimes when you have children, the marriage gets set in the back seat and you forget to date and work on the marriage.

I've found myself feeling like our connection isn't as strong. We haven't taken time to date and connect and talk. When we do, it builds back up again.

You sound as if you are willing to just tolerate life with him for many more years for the sake of the child. That's good, but it could be much better. Talk with him and ask him if you're ready to work on the marriage. If you are, I recommend a look at Dr. Phil's relationship books and workbooks. I also recommend talking with clergy, most of them will counsel couples.

I've been married for over 10 years. There are ups and downs, that's normal, just be willing to work on it when it's down.

Good luck.

I have been divorced(before kids though), but I have several friends who have either went ahead and got divorced and still cohabitated as I guess room mates, they agreed that they would raise their children together as a united front until the kids were old enough to want to be with friends more than M. and Dad and yes it is in their divorce agreement. They share expenses, childcare, not bedrooms and no dates are brought home or with kids around.

You have to remember that you are in the stage of your marriage when the "honey moon is over." Perhaps you could try counseling with a pastor or whatever you religious back ground. I found that when I was in this position, I utilized my inner circle of friends that too were going through the same phase in their marriage. We laughed and cried together and formed an opportunity to get out of the house with and without or children and husbands. Yes, the child is the most important thing in the world. On the otherhand, if he or she is in an abusive household..it doesn't have to be physical...personally, I believe verbaly is more destructive..you are hurting your child and teaching behavior that will be carried to the next generation. Therefore, you are staying together for selfish reasons, and that is yourselves.
Take a step back, journal, and really think about what you are doing. Sacrifice we do for the child at any cost for their happiness and well being. If you had to make a choice in life, wouldn't you give your life to save theirs. Just think about it.
Life does go on after divorce..children heal faster than you think. Stop making excuses.

Happily Divorced Therapist

This is a Non-Religious book.

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Forgiveness-Making-Room-Mir...

BOOK: Radical Forgiveness
Colin C. Tipping (Author)

Hope this helps!
Much Love To You.

Please feel free to contact me...
www.DanyaMotivates.com

My advice to you is seek God and his righteousness. God will direct your path. If you are not ready for counseling right now try spirtual guidance for yourself.

I am not in an unhappy marriage but let's face it...no marriage is perfect all the time. It takes work and some scarifice. When feeling down or troubled I hit the book store and look for some sort of motivational book. I have my own home based business so most of my books are how to help me in my business but lots of them relate to life in general. Some books I really enjoyed were The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (I think) and The Traveler. Maybe if you focus on yourself first that in turn will help your overall situation. I learned long ago I can only control my own self, feelings and expectations. Good luck.

What about counseling? Children need to live and grow up with
happy parents in a marriage or happy parents outside of the marriage. But fixing the problem is easier than a divorce, it only complicates the situation. Staying married for the sake of convenience and the children is a lonley existence.

Try to fix the problem...one or both of you need to change.

Find out what's getting in the way of your relationship and deal with it. That's what marriage is all about...committment and willingness to make it a last.

There are no guarantees you'll be any happier apart...it just creates another set of problems to deal with, so stick to to poison that you're familiar with.

If you need a support group...check out some of the single
M. groups in your area, Parents without Partners; Al A Non if the problem is drugs or alcohol; but a good marriage counselor is your best bet.

Yup. Shannon A. nailed it.
I have never seen 75 responses, either. You moms are awesome!

I have 3 kids. You and I are similar. I would add that the book and method
"1-2-3 Magic" has really helped us. The kids pick up on your stress and kids are just kids, anyway. Getting a handle (we still have plenty of work to do) on the chaos here by applying (healthy :)) discipline has helped me cope with my very stressful marriage and household. Now, it's easier for me to focus on what I can control and what I must learn to live with.

Thank you for sharing your concerns. You and the other moms have helped me.

Good luck.

Amy

Are you just not sexually attracted to your spouse anymore? Maybe doing some things to spice up your bedroom life would bring that attraction back.

Also, try reminiscing about those first things you fell in love with...those first dates, those first kisses, the days where you were literally Sick In Love! Honestl,y when i get into a "rut" with my husband and I try to think about these times, it actually excites me to see him.

If you are ready t call it quits on the relationship, then you need to have an honest discussion with him to make sure you are on the same page. Maybe you could "seperate" but remain living in the same home. Think about having an "open" marriage for a year and see if either of you finds something that makes you Happier outside the marriage...if there is, then proceed towards a divorce or permanent seperation....but maybe the time apart will make you re-evaluate your situation.

Every marriage goes through ups and downs.....i would personally try to stick it out and make it work because between 5-7 years is when A LOT of couples start having issues. Add the economy situation and the fact that you have a toddler into the mix and it makes perfect sense that things arent great in your marriage.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

M. J,

I am sorry to hear about the difficult position you are in. It sounds so challenging. The good news is that it sounds like there is potential there to build a better relationship. It seems like you respect each other and that you are both good people who love your child. Those factors can be half the battle. Maybe with a lot of work some love and affection can begin to grow. Are you a person of faith? If so, I would recommend starting to go to church together at a church that has a lot to offer for young couples and families. Marriage is extremely difficult, as you know, and you need all the support you can. Also, I would recommend "New Life" weekend retreats for couples. If you google "new life ministries" I think you can find it. They offer intensive intervention that I think is more effective than weekly counseling. I admire your determination to stick it out. These days most people seem to just walk away.
I wish you the best.
K

Dr. Laura has a WHOLE series of books for marriages. The one that I thought of is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage"... (you'll see if you scroll down the page from the attachment). However, I forgot about her "10 stupid things..." series. This site gives you a glimpse inside the book. Very straightforward.

http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/...

Life's too short. Don't fall into the trap of... "Ohhhh maybe he's not my soul mate!"... Time will tell if you should stay together but it sounds like you still have many good threads to keep you, both, entwined so make that your goal for now. Grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. However, sometimes apathy can be sadder than a passionate argument. It's good you want to move into a new direction.

Good luck to you.

Have you thought about getting involved with your local mops group? Mothers of Preschoolers. Having an extended support group to get through this is going to be one of the most critical things you can do.

It can be very hard because friends and family are all co-mingled at this point. So finding the right sounding board, support can be tricky.

Depending on where you live - different churches, moms groups are there for support. And certainly there are crisis counseling centers that can forward you to an individual who could best help you through this - sometimes even on a sliding financial scale.

good luck

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Nobody can answer this question for you BUT you. This woman and her program changed my life. I highly recommend you call. 212/787-2411 You can talk to a woman named Chica to get more information. People always say, "What's the worst that can happen? You don't like it, hang up." I say, "What's the best that can happen? You find your happiness again and strength." I think that is totally worth it. Good luck and I am here if you have any questions. Love, R.

M., you have too many excuses for staying IN the marriage. Uncontested divorces can be gotten over the internet now days. Your child already knows the unhappiness that's in your lives. Kids know first. That's not a healthy environment. Staying married is harder on the child at an older age than it would be at his age now. Kids always want their parents together so that battle will be ongoing for years. My sister went thru this situation and held on till her kids were teens. The problems with her kids are horendous. If you divorce and lead your own lives in the same house while continuing to show tons of love to the child (both of yo), he can grow up well adjusted and happy. Your x can't bring home other women and you can't bring home other men. In the mean time your bills are being met until the two of you can get your own 1 and 2 bedroom apartments. With the stress of marriage off your plates (each of you) you just may be able to make this work. You wouldn't be so judgemental of eachother verbally because you give that right up with the divorce. Good luck

My advice is a really simple thing but it may help?

I've heard from people who were married for 5+ years (up through 50 years) that there are periods in the marriage (which can unfortunately last more than a couple of years sometimes) when you feel mismatched and it sucks but that doesn't necessarily mean you ARE mismatched it just means that you're growing apart. But you can grow back together if you try.

Here's what helps me when I'm feeling like my husband and me have "plateau-ed". We invite over friends and talk about the story of how we met. When we FIRST fell in love. Somehow that reminds us of what it was that attracted us to each other in the first place and that helps us to see those qualities in each other now.

There is a wonderful, inexpensive 4-week relationship course titled "The Secrets of Successful Partners" put on by The Couples Clinic www.thecouplesclinic.com The counselors at the Couples Clinic are the best out there. They also have a book and workbook that you might be able to work through on your own. My husband and I went to counseling there a few years ago and we're happier now than we've ever been. I have a few friends who have gone there for pre-marital counseling and attended the classes and really enjoyed it. Good luck! Keep working at it! It is definitely worth keeping your committments.