Seeking Confidence or Self Esteem Services for My Teen Daughter

I answered this on another post today. Sorry it's redundant.
There is nothing we as moms can say to make our kids feel worthwhile. My mom used to lavish praise on me. I would think - you have to say that, youre my mom. As I got older the praise I get made me feel like a sham. Like I didn't deserve it and if anybody knew the real me, they'd know better.

It took an alcoholic frined of mine working the steps to finally explain it to me. Self esteem comes from esteemable acts. She has to do things she's proud of. If that is volunteer work or church or art or whatever - she needs to DO something that she can point to as an accomplishmanet, a tlanet, or a value in herself. For me, I get my self worth from my job ethic, my parenting, and fromworking out. Working out always makes me feel good about myself. If her major problems are with her physical appearnce, maybe you two could sign up for a weekly yoga class together. Ask her to please come with you because you would be too embarassed to go by yourself. That way she wont think you are in any way suggesting that she NEEDS to work out. That would be a disaster! But working out just lifts your spirits and makes you feel powerful and teen girls need that.

I apologize to anyone to may take this the wrong way or if it sounds cruel, however I think nowdays people "coddle" thier teens way to much. It sets them up for disaster in thier future thinking everytime they have a problem or can't deal they need to see a doctor or something is so "wrong" with them and they get depressed. There is way too much in the media promoting that beauty and fame and money is where it is at. All that junk makes people happy...but really are those people happy? We need to start rasing our children to be selfless. Instead of focusing on themselves we need to make them focus on others for a change. YES this age is extremely difficult, I had a horrible time with self-esteem...(its just a self discovery age thing) I taught this grade for over 5 years before deciding to stay at home and raise my own kids. And the thing that made kids come out of thier shell more than anything else was getting them involved! Do volunteer work, help plan a dance, get on some committee, do art club-drama-sing, team sports, gymnastics, dance, do missionary work...these things not only get the focus off the self-centered thought process but also build confidence and self esteem. Most important, teens now need to realiaze that there are a ton of people out there who have it so much worse than them. Life isn't about who is the most popular, looks the best, or has the most money...its about giving meaning and hope to those in need.

Kids nowadays...some teenage girls nowadays put themselves down too much. Sometimes kids see things in a different light because what the "crowds" are doing or saying.

I have a 13 yo right now and I've seen how kids nowadays are more advanced and it's a lot to do what's on tv or they advertise out there. I try to keep the communication open with my kids...sometimes some teenagers think that their parents are "out of the loop." Try putting yourself in her shoes...tell her something similar that you experienced and see if she can relate...remind her how beautiful and different she is and it's good to be a leader, not a follower, etc. I would just hate for her to end developing any depression. Maybe seeing a therapist might help...if you both are open to it. :)

Kids nowadays can be cruel. Have her keep talking to you mom. Good luck!

There's a lot of deep wisdom in what Tracy has written. We can't convince our children they are smart, talented, beautiful, etc. And in fact, telling them that often has EXACTLY the opposite effect. There's a great deal of research now into why this is, and you can read an overview here:

How NOT to talk to our kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I was intrigued enough that I've actually ordered the book cowritten by the same author, titled Nurture Shock. We parents make a lot of mistakes in the particular ways we try to encourage our kids and build their self-esteem. There are better ways, and it serves us well to learn them!

try to get her to practice yoga 3 times/week

I agree that she needs her time re-directed into something positive. If she has that much time to spend on *trying* to make herself beautiful then she needs to spend more time doing something she can get some gratification in. Volunteering in a hospital would be great, or a woman/child homeless shelter. How about Big Brother/Big Sister programs. She could probably make some little girls feel super special by just spending some time with them teaching them how to do their hair & manicures. Lots of park districts have tons of volunteer programs.

It's time to sit her down & let her know that she is beautiful but sometimes feeling good is not about outward appearance but about making a difference.

It sounds like some activities outside of school may benefit her and help to get away from the pressure of the "in" crowd. If she is involved in activities then she will have less time to think about these popularity contests at school. Not sure what she watches on tv, but that can be a big influence. If many of the shows she watches show kids dating and all the glamour of that, then that can be a bad influence. Try to monitor that as well as maybe magazines if she reads those. Maybe you can describe a situation to her that you've been in where you dated someone good-looking only to find out that they had a lousy personality. Yes, looks may initially attract you to a person, but beauty is only skin deep. It is a difficult age that she will get through, but involvement is key, either in volunteering, school activities or activities outside of school.

honestly, If this were one of my four teenagers, I would pull them out of public school...homeschool them 4 hours a day, insist they volunteer somewhere for 4 hours 3 times a week, spend lots of time with just you and her and then see where that would land her in a few weeks.
Best wishes.