Seeking Advise on How to Deal with a 16-Year Old

I am a retired school teacher (29) years, a mother, and a grandmother. I strongly urge you to talk to the school counselor. Having been a single mom all during my oldest daughter's high school years, I know the pressure you are under. You are to be commended for your efforts. I have seen first-hand what teenage peer pressure can do to even the best students. It sounds like you are on the right track with the open communication. I would suggest going to the bookstore together and searching for a book that is "modern", written by an American author (so she can't throw it up at you that this is not how Americans do it!), and supports the values that you are trying to instill. If you could possibly read and discuss it together, that might help.
No matter what, keep reassuring her that you love her and support her. I'm sure you have already had the talk, in addition to the birds and bees, about birth control and STDs. If not, do that today! Rest assured that you will get through this phase where you know absolutely nothing, and she is an expert!

She sounds like a great kid who has a lot going for her. Maybe she is just lazy about her homework. I was a boy-crazy teenager who was very lazy about homework too. But I would tell her she needs to get her grades up to keep those scholarships, otherwise she'll have to pay for that part (whatever it would cost to lose them) herself. Maybe that would get her moving. Good luck.

This is the hardest of all the ages A. - 16 to 17 years. They get very head strong and impossible. I could tell you stories... my oldest is 20. Here is the trick:

Start making trips together to college campuses this summer. No pressure, just to see what's out there. They will have scholarship information and GPA requirements. Take her to places that she would never dream of right now - California and Washington, Chicago or New York if you can afford it. She will start to see life beyond high school and start setting goals again.

Instead of trying to pressure her from the outside (you), this will provide her incentive from within (her). Don't allow for any pretense or preference on your part. She will get all that she needs from what she sees and reads.

Movie ideas:

Mean Girls - about a very smart girl who gives it up for a boy.
Akila and the Bee - about a young girl who is good at spelling who gives it all up for her mom.

Book idea:

How to Listen to Kids so They'll Talk and Talk so They'll Listen

Hang in there. Once she is through this age she will wake up ready to go. Smart girls don't dumb down for long.

There is more to your question than one could respond to in this forum, but it sounds to me like peer pressure has gotten the better of her. I would do my best to monitor her friends and the influences at school. Have you considered private or homeschooling? Our kids are not allowed to date (in the romantic sense) until college and we regularly discuss how anyone you date is a potential mate. I downplay any talk of the boyfriend/girlfriend nature beginning when they are young, so as not to glorify it. Keeping her active in church, and benevolent & leadership organizations will help, but even in those arenas you have to be careful of the loose morals and silliness that permeates our society. You still have control over things like where she goes and what events she attends, as long as she lives with you. Besides prayer and lots of love, that's about all you can do with a headstrong teen. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with your daughter and have done a lot to foster it over the years, so know that eventually she will realize how much you care. This may just be her difficult time. I tell my kids I know I'm old fashioned and that's OK. When they pay their own bills and run their own lives they can make all the choices, and live with the consequences, but as long as I pay, I have significant (though not total) input in their lives, as well as veto power. So far it's worked.

SAHM of seven, 23yrs - 18 mos. My eldest daughter was a headstrong one who had to go away to college to realize how much her parents really knew!

Wow, hats off to you. You're doing so well with a difficult situation.

I don't have any advice for you, other than this -- get over to her school, pronto. It's your right to be there as her mother, and talk to her teachers and counselors, and try to figure out what is going on. I'll bet you find out some answers.

I guess I thought of one other thing, which is that it would be okay for you to set limits for her. Tell her she has to bring her grades up, here's the plan for how she is going to do it, and here are the consequences for failure to do so. You can tell her that the time for her to be in charge of the situation is past, as you have been talking to her about her grades for a long time, and she said she was going to fix it, and she didn't.

Good luck to you!!

go with your gut- I was your daughter and did everything she is doing- she is distancing herself because she is doing something wrong whether that be drinking, sex or bad grades- she's looking for approval from something/someone other than that- if she doesn't want you to go to counselor --- then you go straight to the counselor- you are the mom and you love her more than any guy or anything else could- just remember this - what a counselor told my parents and i after the poop hit the fan- your daughter is like an egg- you want to protect her and love her but if you hold on too tight or squeeze her too much- she will break- your a great momma- God will guide you- God bless you

check out the Elephant in the Room series - teenagers room (from April 12-13 - should be up today or tomorrow) on www.eaglebrookchurch.com Best of luck to you!!

Talk to the school counselor. You are her parent, and not her friend. You have to be on top of it. Yes, transitioning to high school can be difficult, but it is not an excuse to let things slide, especially if she is using lazy as an excuse.

I have to say it, only because I have been working in alternative high school for over 12 years, but do you think there is a possibility of drug use? And if she is not using now, are her new friends using, and she at the very least picking up on their behaviors?

I don't want to scare you or sound accusatory, but drug use is so common these days, it's scary. I worked with a group of recovering addicts a few years ago, and my question to them was always "What can I do so that my own kids don't fall into this lifestyle?" and their answers were always the same--NOTHING. Yes, there are the obvious things that we do for our kids, and you are doing much more than many parents and you are single. But a lot of the kids that I worked with had parents who did "all the right things" and they still ended up falling into the patterns of failure.

Talk to the counselor. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. If you can afford tutoring for her, shop around. There are a lot of promises out there, but if she's been a good student, don't get scammed. Also, the school offers help a lot of the time.

Good luck. Don't give up. It's just a phase, but not one that will just go away without adult intervention. (That's my opinion anyway.)

For the most part, it sounds like you have a normal teenage girl.

For what it's worth, from reading you post, it seems like she has way too much on her plate. I was like this my senior year--volunteer work, 2 PT jobs, challenging coursework. At some point, you burn out, and it sounds like that is happening with your daughter, even though she may not realize it.

The fact that her grades dropped dramatically is a reason for concern. If this were my kid, I would take away most, if not all, of the other activities, and tell her she needs to focus solely on her school work. When her grades improve, she can start to add activities back to her schedule.

As for being boy-crazy, well, that's 16 for you! It sounds like the lines of communication are open on this one, and I commend you for that.

In the end, it's up to her to make good, responsible choices. If something isn't important to her, it's not going to happen. She has to live with the consequences (good & bad) of her behavior.

I want to commend you for doing such a great job as a single mother and putting her needs before your own. That is great of you.

When I was 16 I was having sex with boys because they showed me attention and I thought they loved me. I had a father in my life that I lived with but we were not close. It gave me control to make my own decisions. Does your daughter feel lack of control or lack of decision making with her life?

Yes, if she knows what she needs to do then she needs to do it. You don't want to toss away free money for college. She doesn't understand how bad her life can be without doing well and getting those scholarships. You would think by seeing those less fortunate than her that it would ring a bell in her head that it could be her one day.

I'd take things away from her that are wants. She should not get things or be able to do things when she's not performing. If I don't perform at my job I don't get a raise or bonus. Same thing. It may back fire too where she resents you for taking control of the situation. I'm not sure. Maybe she can take control and recommend what needs to happen to get those grades up and to understand what is riding on her grades.

I wish you lots of luck and you are doing your best:) It's never easy.

Hi A. -

I have a 15 yr old daughter who is an A student and taking IB prep classes/honor classes as a freshman and still getting straight A's. I have a 13yr old son who has the same abilities as my daughter, but like your daughter, just doesn't think it's important to hand things in or study.

What I've found works with him is to have consequences in place if he doesn't meet our expectations of making the "A" Honor Roll. He will lose his video games, phone, computer for the next quarter. His argument is that he's "doing his best, so how can you punish me for that" or "My friends get B's & C's and their parents are happy with that". My response is "I know what you are capable of...if you are not handing work in on time or studying for tests, then you are not doing your best" It's very predictable. By mid-quarter his grades are bad, a couple C's, some B's, A in gym...but then he realizes what will happen if that continues and he gets his stuff done, barely squeaking out that "A" Honor Roll. He missed it once and knows that we will carry through with the consequence.

Also, I would definitely talk to your daughter's school counselor, whether or not your daughter wants you to. There is obviously something going on at school pressuring your daughter to not perform to her ability. Maybe just peer pressure, but maybe more. After talking to the counselor, the best thing may be to move her to a different school. It's YOUR decision, not hers.

I highly recommend the book "Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen" by David Walsh.

I'm finding that teens are as much work to parent as toddlers, wouldn't you agree? Sounds like you're doing a great job as a parent! Hang in there and good luck!!