Seeking Advice on Grandmother-to-be

Come on really? I got to go in at the same time when my niece had my great-niece and believe me, I give financial support too. She let her mom, her grandmother and 2 aunts in. But all after they got to enjoy it as a couple first. How long does it take to see a baby on the screen anyway? She's going to see the same thing that you are going to see in the first minutes. Maybe even better because as the fetus moves around, you get to see different parts of his/her body.

Hi M.,
You're not being unreasonable at all. My father was a psychotherapist for many years, and here is what he told my sisters and me when we were getting married. He said there are "defining moments" in (straight) men's and women's lives, that they have to handle very carefully and deliberately - because how you handle these moments will in some ways define and determine much about how your future life looks. For men it is "drawing a line around his family" - so that both of your parents understand that his new family is his highest priority, regardless (for example) of how close he was with his mother before getting married, etc. For a woman it is "claiming her baby" - making sure other people, especially the grandparents, understand that this is YOUR baby, not theirs, and that they had their turn - and you are going to do things YOUR way. You will take their advice into account, of course, and you will include them as much as possible, but it is not their baby, it is YOURS!!!
Of course you want some time alone with your husband for the ultrasound. It is very nice of you to want to include others at all. You could also videotape the rest of it if you really want to let her see more of it. I am not telling you to be firm in refusing to let her be there, I am only telling you:
1) you are being perfectly reasonable
2) be very careful and deliberate how you handle this, because it is part of your "defining moment" of "claiming your baby" - and how you handle these things will affect the dynamics of this issue in the future
3) this is important work for you and your mom to be doing, and you will need to do it for awhile until you have found a level of involvement from her with which you are comfortable. you cannot avoid doing this work, because it will keep coming up in lots of little ways.

If I were you, I would try to say something like this: Mom, you know that you are such an incredibly important person to me, and I am constantly grateful for having you in my life. I always want us to be very close and to share important times together. I hate the idea of hurting your feelings, and I don't ever want to make you feel excluded. But I need you to try to understand - this is [husband]'s and my (first?) baby, and we have important bonding we need to do about it, just the two of us. We need to foster the romantic intimacy about our baby, that will get us through the stressful times ahead when we don't have energy or time for romance or intimacy, and the baby feels like an invader who's disrupted our marriage. We have important work to do as a couple, in creating and nurturing our new family identity, and so there are going to be times when we need some privacy. This is one of those times. It's not a rejection of you, it's just a needed attention to the two of us. We DO want to include you, which is why we want you to come in for a few minutes at the end, so we can share this special time with you.

or something like that. And get your husband's help here too - as part of "drawing a line around his family" this is a good time for him not only to support you in finding loving, respectful ways to stand up to your mother, but to be firm himself about how important this is to HIM, to have some private time without any grandparents there. (So long as he is equally firm with his own parents!)

Good luck!!! Congratulations!!
T.

This day is about your family which is you, your husband and your baby. Your family and your needs come first. If your heart is telling you you want this to be a special moment for the three of you, who is to tell you you are wrong. I think the compromise you have come up with is perfect and if your mother in law does not understand this, let your husband handle it, you do not need the unwated stress. This is a beautiful, happy time in your life. Congratulations and stay strong, I too had a very opinionated (but with good intentions) MIL. Remember who this is about and do whats best for you.

Grandparents can be wonderful or really tough (and often both at the same time!) I just finished a book that helped me not feel like an ogre for allowing my husband and I to have authority over our own decisions for our family. It's hard to set limits when you think everyone else thinks you're being selfish (even when you really AREN'T..) May help you too:
Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud

Hello! I understand waht you are going through...excpet I dealt with my mother in law. The only advice I have to give is that if you are going to want space/privacy/family time without your mom, you need to start that now. Having a child and family is between you and your husband, and once you start allowing others to be around CONSTANTLY and have them feel as though they have a say in your decisions, child rearing, it is VERY difficult to get them to back off! Stick to your guns!

Dear M.,

This is a very special time for you and your husband, and you should honor that time by giving yourselves permission to be together for the first viewing of your child. Please do not feel that you are leaving your mother out of this. You and your husband are being extremely loving and gracious to invite her to come in for a few minutes, which means, she too, will have that "special" moment with the two of you. Whether or not your mother provides financial support or emotional support should not enter into the picture. You are a couple, and this is your wishes. She needs to respect that. There will be plenty of time for her to have one-on-one with you during your pregnancy and also with the baby once born. I think you are being a wonderful daughter to want her there at all. A lot of couples just show the grandparents-to-be a picture of the ultrasound. Just the fact that you are concerned about everyone's feelings says a great deal about you. I'm sure mom will understand, and if not "shame on her".

A little about me:

I am 58 yrs young, a mother of three sons and a grandmother blessed with six beautiful and healty grandchildren. I have been at the birth of one grandchild (I was honored by my daughter-in-law and son who invited me to be present). I have also been able to hold two other of my grandchildren when they were less than 1 hr. old. I was not present for their births, but was anxiously awaiting their arrivals, right outside the delivery room door. I respect the boundaries that my sons are now married and have their own families and try to support them in anyway I can to enhance their relationship with each other and their children. I have given financial support to my sons and their families when needed, but do not have "strings" attached to it.

Congratulations on your expected arrival and good luck to all of you.

I actually think its a little weird that your family is coming to the ultrasound at all. If you don't mind your mom being there for a few minutes, that's fine, but its not something she should expect to be involved with. After all, it is your baby! I would be firm about your limits now because once the baby is born, it will only get more difficult.

M., stand up for yourself and let this be a time for just you and your husband. I just gave birth to my first child 4 months ago and my husband went with me to every prenatal appt. and ultrasound together. The moment you find out the sex is such a special moment for the two of you. Let it be a time for just the two of you.

M.,

I understand to want to keep things intimate for you husband and yourself, but, try to understand that your mother is also very excited. If she is travelling from out of town to be there for the ultrasound she must of been invited (how else would she know about it) Be careful how often you treat her like she is butting in, or she just might decide to be a little more selfish and pursue other interests at this time in her life when she has the freedom to spend more time on hobbies.

It's one thing to want to be "grown up" and free from our parent's authority. This is difficult to do if we are financially dependent on them. I would try very hard to limit financial assistance from mom and dad to "gifts" only otherwise it will be difficult to define roles.

I've heard plenty of people complain because their child doesn't have close grandparent relationships because nana or grandpa volunteer reguarly, or golf or fish or go to foxwoods too much. Your parents love you and want to be involved in your and their grandchildrens lives, but our parents are not little ATM machines that we keep on the shelf and only visit when we need money. Be careful when you try to dictate all of the conditions of any close relationship. You want your parents to stop treating you like children. Are you willing to stop treating them like "mommy" and "daddy" and see them as the complete individuals that they are?

If your mother feels she is being treated like a problem that needs to be "dealt" with she may decide to spend her time (and money) elsewhere where she feels more appreciated. Nobody wants to spend a lifetime raising a family only to be treated like an intrusion in their childrens lives. Other cultures show elders the respect they deserve.

I am not saying you are wrong in this situation, I didn't want anyone else from the family in the delivery room besides my husband and I either. But, be careful that as you begin this new chapter of your life that you do not alienate your mother. Her life experience could be a great asset to you.

J. L.

Hi M.,

As a mother and grandmother I can see both side. Enjoy your day with your husband. If your mother becomes upset because you want her to come in afterwards that's ok. Just let her know that you love her and that give her a copy of the picture.

Let her know that when your blessing arrives you'll need her more than ever. Remember this is your time along with your husband.

Many Blessings and remember to BREATH good luck.

Most ultrasounds can be put on a DVD for home viewing. Maybe you could keep with your original plan but tell her that she can view the whole DVD at any time she would like. This way she will know she is able to view the entire thing but it could also give you that intimate moment with your husband and baby to be.

I agree with the first response you received. It is very wonderful of you to invite your mom at all, but she has to respect your wishes. If you let family start calling the shots now, parenthood is going to be next to impossible. What happens when she doesn't agree with your style of discipline?

What are your plans for labor and delivery? If "grandma-to-be" wants to see the entire ultrasound, does she want to be present for the birth too? That is fine, IF it is what you and your husband want.

You and your husband are starting your own family, and need to work on this as a team.

Good luck! I'm sure your mom will be okay with whatever you decide. The important part is that it is your choice, and that she isn't pushing you to do something you don't want to.

My mother came along for our ultrasound with our first child. I am very close to my mother and wanted here there though. My mother in law just had to settle for the pictures!
You don't have any obligation to invite your mom at all. Most of the time a third person won't be allowed into the ultrasound room anyway.
If you are having a problem- just tell her that you checked with your doctor and he/she said that you can not have a visitor in the room. Pass the blame on to someone else and no one needs to be any wiser!
Good luck!

Hey M.,

You are not being unreasonable! It is very important to set these boundaries early. Many moms forget that this is primarily THEIR own experience. Our culture teaches us that our pregnancy is everyone's pregnancy. It's not. Whatever vicarious issues your mom is working through-she needs to do it on her own. Hold your ground, be firm and establish boundaries early. She will get over it eventually, especially if you reach out to include her in things that are "special" but remain your initiative. Registering for the shower, choosing paint for the baby's room, stuff like that are much more reasonable issues to include your mom in. There is so much to say on this issue, I see it almost constantly with my childbirth clients (I'm a doula and Childbirth educator). When the baby actually comes, you'll need and welcome help, but it needs to be on your terms. If you can't set these boundaries now, it will be impossible to do it later. Also, it's a good lesson in preparation for boundary making with your child as he/she grows into independence!

Best of luck and bright blessings to you!
S.

You are certainly not being unreasonable, and now is as good a time as any to start setting those proverbial boundaries. Having said that, this is also an excellent time to blame it on your dr. Tell your mom you're sorry she misunderstood, but the dr. wants to discuss your pregnacy with you and your partner alone, before the extended family comes in. Be sure to give everyone in the office a heads up so you are all on the same page. Good luck.

I think it's great that you are including her. When I was pregnant with my son I had all the parents in there with me at different points. My ultrasound tech. would start out showing my husband and I alone then get any visitors to come in. This allowed our special time. I see nothing wrong with your request. Oh be sure to ask if the allow you to bring a memory stick we have all our pics on one. This way you can share with even more people. Good Luck!

You are being more than reasonable. Financial support does not equal life control. A polite but firm conversation needs to take place where you inform your mother that although you love her and appreciate everything she does for you, this is an event for you and your husband. You are letting her participate so if she starts complaianing I would suggest you threaten to not let her participate at all. you can always blame the hormones later. ;)

You are being very reasonable. I agree with all the past posters in that it is a time for you and your husband. Also, I think Diane B is on the right track when she says that you could pin it on the technician. When I was pregnant with my first child, the technician wouldn't even let my husband in in the beginning. Toward the end she let him in. So explain to your mother that they only allow the parents in first to do all the actual checking, then at the end people can come in to view. Hopefully the technician will help you out with this (maybe call in advance). I know the nurses on the childbirth floor where I had my kids would always tell me that if I wanted someone out, just signal to them, and they would make them leave -- that way the ire would be toward them!

Hi, M.-
You and your husband are entitled to meet your precious baby for the first time as a couple! I think your invitation to your mother is most generous and she should honor your request without hesitation and feel grateful that she is invited at all! Tell her that you would like to introduce her to your baby as a couple - after you have met her (?). You must set the tone now - you and your husband make your decisions about your baby and the most helpful thing your mom can do is ask "How can I help?" She should say things like "Let me know what you need from me." She needs to accept your response and do it if she can. I am a grandmother and know that it's not my turn! I have made these statements to my daughter and her husband and I was there for the birth of my first grand child, was invited to the ultrasound of my second grand child - as a companion to the big sister, I looked after the first grandchild while her parents were birthing their second and I just spent a week with them helping with meals, rocking the baby, getting the older one to and from nursery school, rocking the baby, doing laundry, rocking the baby, taking the three year old to the park and adventuresome errands such as the bottle recycling place, rocking the baby. What I'm saying here is that if Grammys are there to offer support where it's needed, you get lots of time to rock the baby, to talk to her and to begin developing a wonderful relationship. It's your mom's turn to be a Grammy and to honor and respect you and your husband as a couple.
Good luck!

Dear M.,
Ugh, I refer to this as the "golden handcuffs." It's wonderful that your mom is helping you financially, but it's too bad that it feels like it comes with a price attached. When I had my first child, (now a mom of 3), I had to learn how to navigate those tricky moments as well. The best advice I can give you is to start setting healthy boundaries now. It's not easy, and for sure you will upset others, but in the long run you will be a happier mom, wife and woman. Some phrases that worked for me were: "I hear that you're upset, and I'm hoping you can respect my wishes." Or, "My husband and I were really looking forward to sharing this moment togeter. Do you remeber sharing those special moments with Dad?" It gets easier with time. I hope this helps. Congratulations on your first baby and good luck!
J. S.

M.,
i feel the ultrasound is something for parents only; tough one; maybe you can say, "thank you so much for wanting to be involved in your granbaby's life. there will be many ways you can be, but we're just feeling like this one should be just for us, but we can't wait to give you a picture of the ultrasound" ???
good luck

I am curious as to why everyone is coming for the ultrasound. This is an exciting time to see the baby's beginning formation, but let's not forget that the reason for an ultrasound is NOT for a pre-birth viewing but to detect abnormalities or problems that would benefit from prenatal intervention. Inviting people in for all manner of medical tests is a precedent you may not want to set.

Do you plan to have all these people in the birthing room with you? At your Lamaze classes or anything else you plan to undertake. Are their expectations that all of these are family events like a reunion? What if there is a problem at any time and the medical staff cannot function because there is a crowd in the room?

It is not up to you to keep everyone happy. Your mother's financial support is generous but does not buy her a ticket to your most intimate and private moments. If she feels entitled now, how will you keep her out of every family and childrearing decision/discussion?

Perhaps you can enlist the aid of your ob/gyn and the ultrasound technician to tell your family that the policy is no visitors during the first part of the test - and emphasize that it is a TEST to determine the baby's health - and that the technician has other patients and a schedule to keep. They don't have all day to have a parade of individuals who want to come and see a "movie"! Usually, they provide a photo of the fetus which you can take home and the family can look at. In fact, the facility or the insurers may have regulations about this anyway. My ob/gyn was there for my ultrasound, and what with him, the tech, my husband, the equipment, and the tech's need to move around a bit to get a good image, it was crowded as it was.

I think you may have greater problems on your hands as time goes on if you do not establish yourselves as a couple and as parents, as adults who make decisions together. You can tell your mother that you understand how excited she is, but that medical appointments are private. She can get 2 minutes at the end, or nothing - her choice. It's important to put your foot down and establish some boundaries now - so you don't have problems down the road with no privacy, no chance to bond with your baby, no opportunity to find your own way as parents, and someone else always questioning or even overruling your parenting decisions.

Good luck.

Another option—Find out if your OB office allows you to videotape the entire procedure. If so, do that and give a "showing" later to your Mother.

This is a time for you and your husband. I think it is great to let your mom in at the end of your appointment to take a peek at her grandbaby. It is an exciting time for everyone - especially new grandparents - but this is Your family. And your parents need to respect that. You are not excluding her. You are trying to include her while maintaining the moment for you and your husband. Try to make her understand that. Set some ground rules now, because this is just the beginning.
Best of luck. Motherhood is the most incredible experience in the world. Enjoy!

I think you compromised and it sounded fair. what else can you do? I had in laws who were very intrusive on stuff like that, they actually wanted to be in the room when I gave birth! stand your ground and say no, this is private time you will never get back with your husband. You can't worry about everyone else and sacrifice your feelings. good luck

Hi M., you definately need to lay down the law now. Very sweetly,and understandingly, but firmly. I had the same issue, but with my MIL, and it really set the tone for the whole relationship. We were also somewhat financially indebted to them too, so I know what you mean! She pouted for quite a while, but ultimately respected it.(she also wanted to be in the delivery room, but that was a no-go!) Let her know that you will love to have her be there to enjoy it with you, but only after you and your husband have had a chance to experience it by yourselves. After all, it was just the two of you the moment it was put there -shouldn't it be just the two of you who first lay your eyes on it? Good Luck honey, and honestly, the more you hold your ground in the little things now, the smoother it will be later.

M.--------- You will have several ultrasounds, before you deliver your baby. My sister is due with twins in July-and she has an ultrasound, each month. I had 5 ultrasounds with my last pregnancy (I had no medical issues). So, I say let your mother come to this next ultrasound--think about how special this experience is for you, I think it's double for the grandma. Or have Mom come in first, and then your husband at the end. Or simply ask the Doctor, or the Nurse giving the Ultrasound if you can have both at the same time, especially since your Momis in town. You wll be surprised how nice they are to accomodate families. You will definately have an ultrasound in your 8 1/2 to 9th month, to check the position of the baby. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy----hope everything goes perfectly.

M., Congratulations on your first baby..I am a new mother of 6 month twins and had some of the same problems. Remember, this is you and your husbands baby. This is your family now. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about any decisions you make as a family. I think by letting her come in at the end to see the baby is nice enough. If you give in now she will act this way every time she does not agree with you. What will happen the day of the birth? What if you want it to be a private experience between you and your husband? You need to explain to your mom and anyone else who has a problem that you make the decisions that you feel are best for your family. Your mom should understand and if she doesn't then that is for her to get over.

I went through this with my in laws who thought they should be able to be in the room and come by the house at anytime without calling. And this included my step father in-law who has only been in the family for 4 years. I felt uncomfortable with him in the labor room during my contractions but they insisted on being there and I let them get away with it. Then a few weeks later I asked for no visitors for a while because I was having a hard time with the healing and needed a quiet house. Well I think because I gave in before, I got a worse reaction. He was insulted and is still not talking to us.

It ceases to amaze me that people can be so selfish during such an important time. This is about you and your husband and if they truly care about you then they will respect your decisions. So stick to your choices and don't feel you have to explain yourself. This will happen many more times now that you're a mom.

Hope my experience helped you see we all go through it as new parents. Good Luck and Congratulation.

A.

I have been in your shoes, and to let you know it will not stop there. My daughter is now 2, and I am still going through what grandmothers want. There is one thing I did, that worked out for everyone. My husband and I went alone to our ultrasound. If you look around, there are places that offer to record your ultrasounds and put them to video for everyone to see. I had the room filled with 10 people watching the ultrasound. When we were done we put them to video for everyone to have. So my husband and I still had our bonding time with our child, while still including the family. I wish you luck with your baby and family. (just remember your baby is so lucky, that so many people love it already that they are willing to fight to be involved.)

M.:
You are right, you are trying to accomodate everyone. Lord knows I always try and try myself. The bottom line is simple: you've got to stand up for yourself and your beliefs now or you will be bullied for the rest of your child's life! Unfortunately, asserting yourself may cause hurt feelings for a while, but your feelings will be destroyed forever by the constant badgering you will likeley receive if you don't step up to the plate now. I agree, an ultrasound is an intimate moment to be shared by husband and wife, and older children if there are any. Your offer to let her come in for a moment seems quite reasonable. I scanned my ultrasound shots and emailed them to the grandparents. Good luck dear...you're expecting a baby, don't be miserable...you're young and deserve to enjoy every minute!
I'm a 31 yo mom of 2...5 yo & 14 months and we live more than 2,000 miles from any of our parents.

Wow, my mother-in-law problems didn't start until I had our children, your mother problems are starting already. I highly recommend the book "Boundaries" I forget the author because I have lent out my book to more and more people with this problem.

First, is the financial support to buy her time into your life, or is it a gift that she freely gives because she loves you and wants to help? All gifts are supposed to be free, with no strings attached. If this is a loan that you intend to pay her back then again, it is your money and you will pay her back so no strings attached other than you will pay her back MONEY, not your guilt. If she is expecting something in return because she is your financial savior, I highly suggest getting out from under her. Put the financial help in your court. Tell her that you appreciate the support but if it comes with strings attached, you must decline, you can't live that way. Trust me, it will only get worse. Can you get a loan from the bank? Can you change your situation at all, so you don't have to deal with her expectations.

Having your child is between you and your husband, there is no third parent, she is not a third parent and the fact that you are letting her in for a few minutes is more than generous.

You said you are trying to compromise to keep everyone happy, that is a huge mistake. We can not and never will make other humans happy. Happiness is each person's individual responsibility in their own lives. We must all come to the table already happy and then others can enhance our happiness, but we will never make everyone happy, it is not our responsibility to make others happy, so it really is futile to even try. It sounds a little to me like she already isn't a happy person and is looking to make her happiness through you two and your child.

Get that book, you will need it for way more than this first issue. My children are 9 and 8 and I have dealt with parental issues the entire time and have had many people to talk to about all our issues, and in the end it comes down to setting your boundaries to what you can and will accept as behavior from those around you. No different than an abusive person, you wouldn't accept someone hitting you, you don't accept someone trying to infringe on your space either. If you do feel guilt (you mentioned some obligation to keeping her happy since she helps you out financially) this is guilt, then you need to look into yourself and see why you feel that way, another person can not make you feel guilty, another person can bring out the guilt you feel already within yourself. So look into your life, why does this make you feel guilty, like you have some obligation to keep her happy. Maybe that is where the answer lies.

As a parent I give things to my kids because I love them and want the best for them, I do not give them gifts to buy their love. as they get older, if they need financial support, I would give because I want to help, not because I want them to see what a great person I am and that I should then be a large part in all of their lives. Put yourself in her shoes and then see how you might play things out.

Always though give respect to your mom and love, do everything in love. This is the only way relationships will stay in tact, is if everything we do comes from love for that person. Even when you have to tell someone something they don't want to hear, do it in a loving, caring about their feelings way, but not giving in to what they want because they aren't happy. This will also be useful as a parent. We should not give into what our kids want just because they throw a tantrum. In essence, that is what your mom is doing, she is throwing a mini tantrum to get you to change your decision. Don't do it, you must stick with what you said at first, otherwise you will have just taught her how to get her own way, she can throw a tantrum and you will change your mind. It is human behavior and this is how kids work as well. If a child throws a tantrum because you won't buy them the candy bar at the check out line and then you buy them it to keep them quiet, you have just taught them how to get their own way.

Sorry for the long response, hope it helps.

That is a tough one! I understand what your feeling. Her coming in for the last few minutes isn't unreasonalbe at all. What I would say is that hubby is coming in for the regular exam. When they start the ultrasound the nurse will come and get her. Does she really want to be there for the actual visit? That way she doesn't feel left out of the ultrasound itself. Plus you do get a few monents yourselves while the DR is doing it and the nurse is getting Mom. I hope this helps. I'm going by what happens at my DR's office.

The same happened to me and my mom and mother in law, i had planned to have my mom and husband come to the ultrasound to find out the baby's sex, then my mother in law got wind of it, and said that my mom should not go if she could not go, i told her that it was my mother and she would be in the delivery room with me, but i did feel bad, so we agreed that my husband would go in first to find out,then the last few minutes invite both mom's in to see and find out the sex as well, it worked out well for all involved. However, it does not get easier when the baby comes, both mom's will be competing for baby time, and it seems no one is ever happy!!!

M.,

You are not being unreasonable. If you've explained to your mother that she is welcome after you and your husband share this important moment, she should graciously back off. It's not her place to come between you and your husband. Setting limits now will make life much easier after the baby is born. Grandmothers are great - and vital members of the family - as long as they understand their supporting role to both the grandchild and his or her parents. Good luck and congratulations! This is a wonderful time in your life...

Hi M.,
I agree with most of the other posters that you are right on target. This is a moment for you and your husband, and you have gone above and beyond the call of duty inviting her at all. If she feel you are excluding her, let her know that most people you know just bring a picture home to show other family members. I'm pregnant with my 7th, and my mom has never been to an ultrasound appointment with me. However, we are very close, and she never had the expectation that she was entitled to go, so she wasn't upset about it. Your mom's desire to go is a beautiful thing, because it means she wants to be involved in the lives of her loved ones, but there must be boundaries set, because once you're married, your relationship with hubby takes first priority. The time to set boundaries is now, before baby is born, because now is when the precedent is set. Reassuring your mom that you love her and want her involved, but that you also need to have personal time with your husband, is not unreasonable, and is all that should be expected from you. If your mom still chooses to be upset, that is her choice, for which you are not responsible. Despite the financial support, the issue should not be complicated. You still do not have an obligation to keep your mom happy. From what you said, it's not clear whether your mom expects extra privileges because of her support, or whether her support is simply making you feel the obligation. I would just caution you to examine whether or not your mom is actually putting forth these expectations or whether they are feelings that are coming from you. It's easy to feel a sense of obligation when people are helping us. Keeping the lines of communication open with her should help maintain clarity for both of you. Also, assuming the best about her intentions, even if that's being generous, is the best way to go, especially when speaking with her about it. It really helps to keep a positive perspective on the whole thing. Keep up the good work!

Dear M.,
Congratulations on expecting your first baby! I just wanted to comment about your mother wanting to be there for the ultrasound. I think you are right in wanting just you and your husband to be alone for this special time at first. This child, afterall, is yours and his child, not your mother's. I do, however, think it is wonderful that she is so excited and wants to be a part of this experience--she will be an involved grandma which is very healthy for children. I wonder if you and your husband could find a special book (maybe something to do with grandparenting or a grandma's scrapbook of memories)to let her know how special she is to you and how you appreciate all of her financial and other support. You could present this gift with a caring note to her when she arrives to explain how much you love her. It is a special time for you and your husband and I hope that you will be able to convey these thought to your mother. If you are kind, then you cannot worry how your words are received. May God bless you--I will pray for you.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If someone else in the family had announced a special event to the rest of the family, then told you they didn't want you involved, how would you feel? If you would be understanding of their wishes, then by all means, put your foot down with your mother, but if you think you would be hurt, then put yourself in your mother's shoes.

Will you be keeping family away from the infant or will you allow them to share in your joy? Why not go ahead and let them begin sharing in the joy now?

Hi M.,
I think you are going the extra mile to let your mother come in and be a part at the end of your ultrasound. Your primary concern is your relationship to your husband and to include your mother in this very special time is a bonus for her. It sounds like you are being very generous to her.
I hope you enjoy your pregnancy.
God bless you, J. Z