Seeking Advice About Annoying Mother in Law

Not specific advice, but it did make me start to think... she's there "helping" (she thinks) her son and his family. And we're all on this board because we've got children of our own.

I was just thinking how very hard it will be when one day, these little ones of ours are on their own, maybe making good choices, sometimes wrong ones, and the time will come for us too, to "let go" of parenting, say we've done our best in raising them, and watch from a distance.

Ok, that said, yes she is overstaying her welcome!

Oh my. I also have a very over bearing MIL. Mine actually is so overly opinionated. She rarely comes over bt we talk quite often. I have 3 children, 2 stepdaughters and a son that is disabled. Up until I recently had a talk with her, she didn't EVER see my son, I think she is embarrassed. She is very close to the girls, to the point where she talks about me to them all the time. I have been married for 10 yrs and have gone round and round with my husband about his mother. i have come to the decision that it just isn't going to bother me anymore. This is for a number of reasons, she wasn't a perfect mother (nonne is), MILs are almost always harder on the daughter in laws because no matter how much they say they like you, you arent good enough for there son, it is MY house, if it is cluttered or messy or dirty or whatever and I can tolerate it so be it! I have also started giving the girls chores to do, if they don't do them then they don't go anywhere. At 15, 14 and 11 they can help out around the house. As long as you think our kids are good then don't worry about what she thinks. It is your house, not your MILs, don't go to your room, unless you really enjoy the peace and quiet, talk to your MIL yourself and tell her that you don't want her there all the time. Be prepared for her to get mad, they always do. My MIL was so upset at a conversation I had with her that she didn't talk to me for 3 months, her loss..... You will not win the battle with your husband, for some reason, they tend to stick with mommy....... I don't knkow if this has helped at all, but getting to the point where I took over what I was going to let irritate me REALLY helped me. I don't feel trapped anymore, I am not at my wits end anymore and I finally feel like I am in control, not her, ME!!!!! GOOD LUCK!

I would either "ask" her to something helpful, like cleaning or just tell her to leave. I am unsure why your husband is home all day but in my opinion its his job to keep the house clean. I am a SAHM and its my "job" to keep our house clean. Besides your children are old enough to clean too, ask them to pitch in with assisgned jobs daily. I dont think you should have to work full time and have all the house responsibilities fall on you too. As far as her talking to your sister in law about you, its not right but you cant really help that or stop her. You can however stop her from coming over all the time. That in and of itself may be enough to stop all the gossip (however it will probably get worse first!) If your ready to pick up and leave I would say your more than ready to tell her to take a hike!
Good luck!
S.

Nope - not over reacting! I am a very blunt person, and even though I do not like confrontation I would still say something, either to her or to my husband. If you want to be blunt - tell her to get out of your lives. Tell her that you want alone time with your family and that she is there too often. If she gets offended, oh well. She should not be picking up the slack of the housework that YOUR HUSBAND should be doing. In this day and age it is not unusual for only one parent to work (day care prices and all) I know my husband and I traded off and on for a while; but whoever was home did all of the housework (aside from maybe two things) and the other did the working. Neither were allowed to complain about "not having any help". If you don't want to say anything to her, then say something to your husband. Tell him how you feel - straight forward - and then tell him your plans, either it stops or you and the kids go. Pick one. That's my opinion and that is what I would do, but I am also very outspoken and outgoing and blunt. LOL. I hope I helped a little.

(coughing) she is 71? She will be gone sooner than not, and you can have your family back. that should put a smile on your face.

If I am reading correctly....you are the bread winner? I am guessing that you make the mortgage/rent payment...not your mother in law. Sometimes it is better to just sit her down and explain how you feel. If she gets mad then hopefully she will stay away and you will at least have your home to yourself. Don't go through your husband.....I have the same problem and he will never betray his mother. It drives me crazy! Plus you never know how he explains/complains to his mother about you....This way you are in control!

Good luck to you! You deserve time to yourself!

To me this seems to be as big of a problem with your husband as his mom. He is the one minimizing your feelings and allowing the behavior to continue. Without his support you won't be able to stop it. You need to talk frankly with him and see if he is willing to set limits with his mom about appropriate times to come and length of stay. Your kids are old enough to fend for themselves and help with housework on occasion.

My MIL has never "liked" me ... not even when my husband and I had just started dating and she didnt even know me. That being said ... we have been together 12 years - married 9 years ... For many years I would sit back and let her make her remarks but within the last 3 years I have really stepped it up. My bond with my husband is solid and we are on the same page. Once she found out that him and I were on the same team she has stepped down a bit. I think the final turning point was she had done something that really upset both of us and I had him do the confronting of the issue (I told him that if he didnt I would) - I think him confronting her made her realize that he and I are one ... and we are on the same side. A lot has changed over the years - he used to be such a mamas boy and never wanted to do anything to upset her. Now he will choose us over her and make sure that we are taken care of. As far as her making comments on the kids ... my MIL used to make comments on how I raise the kids and finally one day I told her that she has already raised her kids and that its my turn to raise mine. I know thats blunt but ... sometimes tough love needs to happen. More recently she had asked my husband to keep something from me regarding her financial situation and he told me of course but when she had said something about it and me knowing I let her know that my husband and I do NOT keep secrets and that we talk about everything and that its not worth problems in our marriage to keep something from the other ... I also let her know that I didnt think it was right that she would ask him to do that in the first place. I think since I have started standing up for "us" ... she has really backed off quite a bit - actually backed off a LOT. Stand your ground. She also knows that my husband and I are together forever - although she still asks how we are doing (in a vindictive kind of way) ... I finally told her - "we have always said if we were married for 5 years we would stay together forever because we didnt want to start over ... its been nine years so youre stuck with me" Then I told my husband that I said that to her that night ... a couple weeks later she still remembered it and told him (shes 71 with a not so good memory) - anyways ... once your MIL realizes you guys are on the same team she will back off. Good Luck!

I don't think you are overreacting at all and I think your husband needs to say something. not only is she basically at your house all the time, but she is critizing you, your home, and your kids. It should be your husband's place to say something, but if he refuses, then I'd say you need to do something. What that something is, I don't know, but its your home too. I know I would be at my wit's end too! Good luck and do what you need to do to get your sanity back :)

hi carol, i'm sorry about the disrespectful situation you have found yourself in. i have to agree with the other ladies. you're going to have to get rid of your mother in law yourself if your husband won't do it. it might actually be a relief to her. she might be needed at her own home more often but is MIA because she's always at your house. i dont know. but be honest with her. tell her that you don't want her there when you get home from work because you need to unwind for a bit with just you and your family, and her being there criticizing you doesn't help. your husband and 3 older children at home should be able to handle things until you get home. a household of 5 is not going to look perfect all the time. i'm sure its a busy household. but with 4 people there old enough to handle certain chores, her help is not needed. she has demeaned you long enough. someone disrespecting your role as mother of those children and head of that household (with your husband) and gossips about you openly, is taking away the respect your children have for you. its time to take back the reigns carol. sweetly and sternly tell her to go home and don't come back for a while. this arrangement she has forced on your family is over. she needs to call before showing up at your door step from now on. it's necessary if you want to manage your house again. she's taken over, but you're taking it back. you don't need to take your kids and leave. that's your house, not her's. you'll gain everyone's respect again. including her's! she won't like it. but she'll have to respect you for it. God bless you and your's. - H.

Just out of curiosity, what is she "helping" with? Your kids are old enough that she shouldn't have to take care of them. If she doesn't like the way you run your home, either she can help with cleaning or she doesn't need to come over all the time. She should NOT be talking about you to anyone. She should be mature enough to discuss any differences with you.

About disciplining your children- they are YOUR children, she has raised hers and as far I'm concerned if either my or my husband's parents ever tell us how to raise our kids, I'll tell them (politely of course) they can go fly a kite!

Obviously, this is a touchy subject with me, too! :) I completely understand and can totally relate. My MIL ignores any instructions I leave her when she watches my daughter, everything is on her terms as far as when/where we see each other & she's manipulative. She has an outside appearance of being nice, but she's very good at playing the guilt card. (Example- She told my husband she was making a "huge" sacrafice for him b/c she would be flying home from a conference at midnight the day before his birthday just so she could spend the day with him, but she also made sure to tell him that he would have to come pick her up from the airport at midnight. Big sacrafice for her...He's 33 years old. He doesn't really care either way.)

Anyway, before you get too upset- Have you really talked to your husband about how it makes you feel? I have found that my husband can be very defensive of his family, just like I am of mine. When I attack him verbally, he will automatically put up a front and then nothing gets accommplished. I have to talk to him VERY calmly about what is bothering me. I will prepare an entire conversation before I even approach him. These "talks" with myself really help me to sort out my thoughts and figure out the best way to say what I want to. My husband thinks I overreact, too, but right now my defense is that I'm pregnant! :) Not really, but I think it might have something to do with it.

Have your husband talk to her and see if maybe they can work out a schedule for her to visit only certain days of the week.

Another thing, don't go to your room when she's around. I know it feels great to escape, but she'll never get the hint if you do this. If all else fails, you might have to bite the bullet and let her know, very matter of factly, that you would like to have some family time. Let her know it's important to you and just ask her to leave if you have to.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. But I wish you luck! Family is so hard to deal with. I'm slowly learning if I don't stand up for myself, I can't count on someone else to do it.