Retain a Young 1St Grade?

M.,
I have walked in your shoes every year of my son's school career. His birthday is the 1st of Sept which, when he started Kindergarten was THE cutoff date. I chose to put him in to Kindergarten and at the end of the year was told the exact same thing about the maturity issue. I didn't listen to the teachers and I wish I would have because of his maturity level, compared to the other kids, he was very behind and the other kids made his life miserable. Picked on every day, and the school would do nothing. Then in 6th grade he and I had a talk. He wanted to be held back. He was struggling academically and the kids in his class were getting worse and worse every year. After talking it over with the school counselor everyone agreed this would be a smart move for my son. Let me assure you, this was THE BEST move we have ever made academically for our son. He is now in the 8th grade and is thriving! He is now the oldest in his class and has a 3.7 GPA. I'm so proud of him and I wish I could have put my own feelings aside earlier and realized that holding him back was a positive thing, not a negative one. I hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful

This something that I had to consider with my Allison(late Aug. b-day) After talking to teachers on several grade levels and mom's who have been there we decided to hold her back. She will start Kindergarten this fall. One of the mom's stated that her daughters did great k-2 but started having problems in the 3-4 grade. One of the teachers mentioned that she can usually pick out the summer babies and she's an 8th grade teacher. Noting that there are behavioral and performance differnces. A friend also pointed out the fact that your daughter will be the youngest in her class, possibly by two years. This could run into trouble when her classmates are hitting puberty and into "big girl" trends and your girl isn't quite there yet.

Talk to Teachers at different grade levels.
Probably not much help but something to consider.

Utlimately its what's best for her. Good luck.

cathyd

I wish I knew the answer. We are having the same problem. We decided that the teacher didnt know our son like we did and he went onto the 2nd grade. He has ADHD and is on medication, so we thot that was the problem..not his maturity level. So, here we are again in a different school and his teacher brings up the maturity level again. But my son is passing all of his classes. A's and B's only. Yes, some of the kids in his class are a year older but half of them are "summer babies". So, what do we do! We spoke with our son about it, and his response was "I will show them that I can do even better, and I will get my work completed before anyone else." And he has! His teacher reports that he has a new attitude on school. No does that sound like an immature little boy to you. If my son continues and finishes the third grade with his new attitude, he will go on to the fourth grade. So, M....I think you know your child better than anyone. The answer is different for everyone. I do think its best to hold them back early. Good luck and hang in there the answer will come.

If you're gonna hold her back, now is the best time. The teachers wouldn't suggest it if they didn't think it was the best thing for her. My mom worked in 1st grade for 11 years and always talked about the late summer birthdays being the most immature kids (boys worse than girls). I question the majority of her class reading on such a high level too. It all depends on the child. It might be fine for her to go on to second and just work harder this summer trying to get her to stay on tasks and such.

I am going to say, it's up to you! Our oldest daughter is going on 16 yrs old. She will only be 17 when she is a senior and only 17 when she starts college (only for a week). She hasn't had any problems in school at all. Children will learn at their own level. My 4th grader reads at a 12th grade level and my 10th grader reads at a 12th grade level too. What does that say? Nothing, they read well. We have a 4yrs and 2 months, son that is not reading and I am not worried, it will come in time.

My son has a friend (girl) who was held back in first grade. She was worried that her friends would be mean, but instead she has wound up having her old friends that have gone on to 2nd grade, and made new ones being in 1st again! She also makes banner roll now, so she has the benefit of feeling accomplished instead of feeling as though she can't keep up.
Pray over it - your heart will tell you what's best.

M.,
I worked with 3-5 year old children for over 30 years. They all develop differently, but at their own pace. I would encourage you to take a good look at your daughter and think about how she will accept this. Would she need to change teachers, I would think so. If she would not be upset by staying back, and it is being recommended by the teacher who works with her everyday, then I would probably hold her back. Each child should be evaluated individually. Would it help her be more self confident and capable? If she repeats 1st grade, I would recommend that you not remind her of that unless she brings it up. "Leo the Late Bloomer" is an excellent childrens book that might help.
D. B.

I started school at four and all my friends were able to do things I could not do because of the one year difference and this continued my entire school career. First grade is the best time to hold a child back and another year in first grade is better than being held back later in a higher grade.

My youngest daughter needed to be held back in Kindergarten but my husband refused to even consider it and I wish that I had fought him harder on the issue and kept her back. She struggled all the way through high school, part was due to maturity and partly due to a learning disability they finally diagnosed in ninth grade.

Following your instincts you know what is best for your child and the teacher will send her up due to numbers and money that the school gets for each child. Be strong on this and don't listen to what the naysayers are telling you about holding her back. In the end your daughter will thank you for helping her meet her potential. My daughter is now 22 and has finished college but it was a huge struggle for her. She would put in a 150% effort and still get C's and remembering her frustration all during school I really regret not fighting for her to spend another year in first grade.

Advancing a child for social reasons is a bad idea if they can't keep up with the work. Growing up is hard no matter what, but I don't see the need to push a child through that isn't ready for it in all areas. If she's not mature enough yet to handle the work, that doesn't mean she never will be - it just means she needs to go more at her pace and less at yours. There's no need to race through childhood. It's not a competition. You're not a bad parent and your child is no less amazing for repeating a year, if that is what is best for her. Also, if teachers were recommending advancing her a year, would you feel complimented? It would still be a comparison to other children. Age and maturity make a huge difference in childhood, less so in adulthood. Please don't discount it, or you might end up making your daughter's future much more difficult than it needs to be. Good luck! I know you want the best for your daughter!

I have some experience in this area. I am raising 7 grandchildren, of which 6 are in school and 5 of them have repeated at least one year. I think it is easier to repeat kindergarten or 1st grade rather than struggle with the reading. The reading and spelling is what really held them back. They are great in math. Even with holding them back they are not doing as well as they should in reading. My feeling is if you can't read, you can't spell and vise versa. I would definitely hold her back and really try to help her as much as you can to read and spell. I try to help my grandchildren but with so many I run out of time.
good luck.

M.- you've got some great advice already! Just because the teacher's are "professional" doesn't mean that they know what is best for your daughter. You and your husband know better than anyone what she needs. If you think that she needs held back a year, do it! It doesn't reflect on how smart she is- it's just that she isn't ready. Putting her with kids her age will be a boost for her- not just academically, but emotionally as well.

Hi M.,

that is great that your daughter is doing so well. dont be offended by what the teacher told you. Since she is the younger one in the class, she may do better with peers her age. My niece was held back in the first grade due to the same issue, and she is doing beautifully and is with the appropriate peer group. she is a Straight A student and doing great!!! give your daughter that extra year, you will be glad you did. You dont want her to really struggle, especially now...Go ahead and keep her in first grade, you will be glad you did.

M., I think you should hold her back. It will be the best thing for her down the road. I personally held back my daugter in kindergaten and my son in ist grade do to the maturity issue. I have no regets at all. It was the best thing for my child. Your daughter being held back in first will not be a big issue. But if you wait untill later in life and she get older it will be harder for her to get through. My oldest is in her first year of college and I don't know if that would have happen if we did not choose to retain her. Maturity is a be issue when it come to school it make a difference on how they handle things. If you don't hold her back then she may have lots of problem in the future and it will be hard on all of you. T.

My son is a June a child and when he started Kindergarten he was literally the youngest child in his school. Academically he has had no problems keeping up but socially and maturity he is behind his classmates. It is only now, in middle school, that I see that as hurting him. He is more comfortable with children in one or two grades lower than him and has a hard time making friends with his classmates. When he was 4 I thought about keeping him in pre-school for an extra year which would have had him entering kindergarten as a young six year old. Watching him struggle now to find an even level with his classmates, who are all at least a year older than him, I wish I had.

If you decide to keep your daughter back now may be the time to do it - she is young enough where there will be no stigma attached to it and she will be with classmates more in her age bracket.

I wish you luck, it is so very hard making decisions like this for our children because we always look back, at some point, and wonder "what if I had made a different choice".

Either way you decide remember that you do it with love for her.

M.,

I'm alittle confused about your reason for retaining your daughter. Are you considering this because the teachers have suggested this, or because you think she should be reading at a 4th and 5th grade level. I have a degree in Elem. Ed, and can be pretty confident that the majority of the children are reading at or just below grade level. There are always a few that excel, however, this is not the norm. Your decision for retention should be based only on your daughters' needs. If she is working at grade level, and is emotionally on task, then I can't see a need to retain. My daughter, M., is finishing 1st grade as well. She will turn 7 August 31st. She is doing great academically so I am confident she will do fine in second grade. On the other side, a friend of mine held her daughter back in first grade this year. She has an early Sep. birthday and just wasn't ready. She has done beautifully this year, so Mom has had no regrets.

I wish you the best in your decision, and spend some time in prayer.

T.

really, if you are going to hold her back, do it now. so much better than waiting. my parents held both of my brothers back and did not regret the decision at all...they were so much better off in the long run - they were more mature, better at sports, better able to deal with drama of junior high and high school life...think about the long term affects. if you are worried about her being compared to other children, well, that is going to happen her entire childhood and i think it would be much better for her self esteem if she was being compared with kids her own age and level of advancement. kids all learn at their own pace, don't take it personally, it CERTAINLY doesn't mean she isn't smart or bright or wonderfully creative!!! i think sometimes we get so caught up comparing our kids to what everyone else is doing that we forget what makes our kids so unique and special. give her a hug and forget the rest of the parents and kids you are afraid might judge her!!

M.,

I say, take the teacher advice in consideration and take a look at your child abilities. The last thing YOU want to do is have your child struggle. If you are willing to do the EXTRA work to keep her up to speed with the "older" kids then allow her to move on. If you honestly think it will be a struggle then allow her the extra year to grow. You mentioned that she is reading while the other students are reading on a 4th or sth grade level which appears to more advance than your child, so if thre is already a large gap then it only makes sense to hold her back now.

I hear the love and concern for your young daughter. Please do not fret...i know how you feel. My daughter...now 21, was young for her age to start school...and after much thought we decided to hold her back a year...and it was the best thing we ever did for her. After that she excelled in all her classes over the years... and graduated 21st in her graduating class with honors. ITs not about the smarts...its just about the age. Sometimes we have to hold em back... so they can soar later :) i hope this helps. A. c

they wanted me to hold our daughter back ( birthday May 29th) - that was in Pre-K and Kindergarten - she had a little harder time the first couple of years, she is now in 6th - makes strait A's & B's - is in competitive cheer, student store and honor choir. - oh and she is also a conflict manager for the younger grades.

We did some summer reading programs with her for a couple of years but I went with my heart and did not hold her back. Each child is different and only you know. The kids in her class all read at different levels - I doubt that they are all rerading at 5th grade level in 1st grade - some yes but not the majority.

Just my two cents

B.
mom to a 5 year old and an 11 year ol

Hi M.,
What's the rush? I was one of the "youngest" in my class and let me tell you, a few months CAN make a difference. Why not let her be one of the older ones in her class and be able to excel? Nothing is going to change, when you say you don't want her compared to the older kids--that's going to be the way of it from now on. Teachers aren't going to go, "Oh, well, she's one of the younger ones in my class." They are going to expect the same from her as from everyone else. It makes it harder. I wouldn't push it. You'll be glad for that extra year, and so will she. No point in making her life any harder -- take it from one of the youngest in class all through school. Do you really want to put that kind of pressure on her from now on? Maturity is maturity, and what a difference a year makes.
C.

I would send her on, but get her a private paid tutor a couple of days a week. This will become less of an issue as she gets older, holding her back might give her a stigma with the other kids.

In my opinion, retention is much easier while kids are young. If you are concerned, I would encourage you to meet with the teacher and talk about it. I am a first grade teacher. I have found that a child retained in first grade hardly notices it. The younger, the better. If you feel like something is wrong, please consider it. I have seen so many children blossom and become classroom leaders in their 2nd round of first grade. Good luck!

Ultimately, you have to go with your gut, BUT as a mom who wishes she had retained her son in 2nd grade, i would say that now is the time if you even think it might be neccessary. My son began to struggle some in 1st grade and the struggle increased in 2nd grade. He, too is a later summer birthday. We thought we should retain in 2nd grade but the school system in CA where we lived then did not want us to and we did not fight for it. Didn't realize we could. Alot of his issues are maturity issues in every way. He is much smaller than his classmates and is developing later in most areas. He is in 7th grade now and it is too late to retain. Your child will always be compared to the kids that are older becasue they are in the same grade. Some of the kids in my sons class are actually more like 2 years older than him becasue they had earlier birthdays anyway AND their parents started them late. So, though it may not seem fair, your dd will be compared to the kids in her class no matter the age. It is a hard decision to make but one you might want to really consider. It will be less traumatic and might give her a leg up if you do it now. If she had no struggles with school and was mature for her age, then I would say no...plug on. You just have to make a decision based on facts, be confident in whatever that decision ends up being and move on. I'm sure you will make a wise choicde for your child whatever it is. You know her better than anyone else. I also wanted to add, based on other responses I have read, that a child will also start to feel dumb if they struggle all the time and see their friends out playing while they fight over their homework. Just a thought. This is not a decision someone else can make for you.

My nephew was retained in K, he has an August birthday so was very young when he went thru K the first time. He was behind in his reading. He is now 10 and is about the strongest reader in his class (he just read Twilight) and a straight A student. I know his mom will never regret the decision to retain him when she did! God bless!

M.,

I know how you feel. We were at the same place you are at right now. Last year my children that are twins were in the Kindergarten. They were not ready to go no. So this year we had them stay in Kindergarten. It was the best thing that we could have don. They are doing a lot better this year. Their birthday is in June 16. You got to do what you fell is best for your daughter.

We have two children - our oldest who has a September birthday so he just missed the cut off from starting school and is older than most of his classmates and then our youngest child who has a very late July birthday is pretty much the youngest child in her grade. It makes a HUGE difference in how they learn and adapt academically. Our youngest is the most social child you will ever meet and very sharp but in my opinion it is definitely true that the older they are in a grade, the better they comprehend and learn when in school. Our oldest barely studies and breezes through school with an outstanding report card. Our youngest is just as smart, but really has to study hard to keep up and maintain that same level on grades. She turned 9 in late July and entered the 4th grade in mid-August. Many of her classmates were turning 10 beginning in September. It really does seem like majority of the older classmates have the higher grades unlike the youngest ones in class (or at least the higher grades come more quickly and easier to the oldest ones). I have the time to help our daugahter with homework in the afternoons and I help her a lot with understanding the assignments but I can see it's tougher on her. Since she was so very socially mature, I probably wouldn't have held her back either but I know academically it would have been a benefit to her. I just have to help her lots more than I ever did with our son for her to have the same understanding. Since your a concerned mom, your daughter will be fine regardless of your choice, you might just have to sit for while in the evenings and help her with the daily assignments/homework for her to understand it really well. Good luck!!

Hey M., i am a late birthday kid...mine's the end of September. My parents put me in early as well and i did fine...but my son has a late October birthday...he was so sharp that we went ahead and moved him forward. In 3rd-4th grade we ran into the maturity issues. Once we got past those grades he did fine but it was a huge struggle at the time. In hindsite, i'm not sure i would have put him in early. But for myself, i don't remember any issues pertaining to going to school early. For your daughter, talk to her teacher, you as parents have to decide if you feel that the struggle is too much. you dont' want her to get bored but then you don't want her to struggle either. If the other kids are actually reading on a 4th to 5th grade level (seems a little overblown to me for 2nd grade) she could begin to feel overwhelmed and inadequate which are things that follow people all their lives. Good Luck with your decision. R.

My son's b'day is on the 23rd of august and they wanted to do the same thing to him. I wouldn't allow it. He's homeschooled now for the last 4 years and has excelled beyond what I could ever imagine. My sister offered him a 100 dollars for a hundred books he did it in no time and has been an excellent reader and student ever since. He is above his grade in most subjects. science and social studies he's doing 8th grade work *classified as a 6th grader* Math spelling and english all 7th grade. I think holding a child back is the worst thing a person/parent could do because it makes the child feel dumb whether they say it or not. I hope you don't hold her back based on the info you mentioned. I also feel that the school is lying 2nd graders reading on a 4th and 5th grade level?? maybe a few but not the entire class. Don't let them think your child is dumb all schools have a curriculm and its not on a 4th and 5th grade level
Best wishes
K.

I have never met anyone who regretted holding their child a year but have met plenty who have regretted not. As she gets older the maturity gap just gets larger. I would consider ( as we did with our son) not her maturity, readyness level now but in high school. She will be the last to drive, the last to date and will possibly still be 17 or barely 18 entering the college world. For us it was more important for him to have that extra maturity in high school and college. He is in 3rd grade now and is one of the more mature children in his class. He doesn't always make the best grade and that's fine. For us it was a great descision. I look at the next class up now and think, would he be ready for all of that? I'm glad he's not at that stress level yet. Good luck sweetie.

Hi, I remember when my daughter's K-teacher talked to me and suggested I put "M" in Transitional 1st grade instead of regular 1st grade. I was so insulted but I didn't realize I could say no so she started T-1 in Norman. I couldn't do my degree at OU and I started school at OSU that Fall but drove every day from Norman. I quickly decided that Sept to move to Stillwater and I am glad I moved that year so it didn't make any difference, she was the new kid and no one knew she was in a different class than her age group. She has a November birthday.

I am raising my granddaughter "K", she has a early October birthday. Her best friend "F" has a late June b-day. So the are only 3 1/2 months apart in age but it is a whole world apart developmentally. F started pre-K the sept. after she turned 4. (K started a 3yr. old program at the same time.) By the end of the year "F" was reading, writing her name and trying to spell words by sounding them out, she is able to go to school and keep her clothes clean via putting on a smock before painting or using markers, not playing in mud, she just does very well, etc...she is doing very well in Kindergarten this year.

K is just now writing her name in pre-K. She comes home covered with marker and paint residue. She has little maturity when it comes to dealing with the many situations she is confronted with during the day.

I try to not feel bad about how different they are. There is now way K would be ready for Kindergarten even if her b-day was a different month. Her level of readiness is what it is.

You have to look at your child and see if you see what the teacher sees. If you don't see it at home then go spend some time volunteering in her class, you could read to kids, help with whatever the teacher would let you do...you could see how she does but in a non obvious way.

If she isn't really ready cognitively she will struggle but it is "do-able". You will just have to commit to spending a lot of time working with her on her daily work to keep her up with her class for a couple of years. You could always enroll her in the Sylvan tutoring program or another program of the same type. If it is just a maturity issue then she will eventually catch up.

If you hold her back then she may be at the top of her class. It really is up to you to access the situation and choose what is best for her.

Just a different thought:
My grandson "S" was held back in First grade because of excess absences, not a scholastic issue, he has a December birthday so he is now 10 in 3th grade. He is over a head taller than anyone in his class. His parents are both between 5'8" and 6' tall. He wears braces and is starting puberty type stuff like needing deodorant every day.

M., I agree with the othe ladies. Follow your heart. We had this same situation (Aug 31st b-day), We happened to be changing schools the next year and we took that opprotunity to hold him back. We were glad because he still had a hard time the second go around but instead of homework taking two hours it took 30-45 min. He was able to have successes that came easier- like his friends. He is now in 2nd going into 3rd. He is doing well and has found his peer group. It was definately the right decision for us. I hope this helps in some way. You know your child. With the help of her teacher she could make the transition easily either way.

Please hold your daughter back! I have watched my younger cousin stuggle her entire school carrer. She has always had tutors and has never been able to get her grades high enough to qualify extra cirricular activities. She is getting left behind by her friends who are involed in schools activities. She was recently caught trading a date for a paper. SHe is a good kid, but is cracking under the pressure.
Her father is a single father and he too was insulted by the idea of holding her back. His logic was if she wasn't going to be able to do the work, then the school would not have set the birthday cut-off where it was.
Please put your daughters' future ahead of your feelings and support her in this difficult step. She will better for it.

I'm sure it is hard to have to consider this (I don't know b/c I have a DD born in March and will have a 2nd DD born this July), but my gut says to try and step back and be as objective as possible to determine what is best for your DD. How will doing this benefit her in the long run? Is she truly struggling in areas, &/or is she on a different emotional maturity level of the other kids in her class? I wouldn't discount what the teacher says - after all, they see the children all day long and can observe things that have been going on - and they aren't there to hurt or offend, they want the best for your child as well. Good luck!!

We were faced with the same decision several years ago with our middle son. His birthday is early September. Because he had good grades (A's & B's)and was able to keep up with the other children we felt it was best to let him progress. Now, as the youngest child in the sixth grade and struggling with school, I wish we would have listened to the advice we were given to hold him back in first grade and let him mature. Now, being in middle school it is more difficult to hold him back because he will be picked on. He is already a small child and A.D.D. so he doesn't need more of a reason to be picked on. However, I feel like he could do the work if he would just put forth an effort. This is where the ADD comes in. It is a difficult decision to make but may suggestion would be to hold her back now instead of dealing with struggles later on. My son had a friend who was facing the same decision we were at the same time and his parents chose to hold him back (his grades were not as good as our sons) and they have said it was the best decision they ever made. Two different perspective to the same problem with two very different outcomes. We are still friends with this little boy and he is doing well in school now. I hope this helps you a little with your decision.

As a mother of 2 with late birthdays and a grandhild who also will not meet the birthday entry requirment, at first it upset me. Later I saw that they were much better off to have waited the year. It helped,not hurt them. As a retired teacher, I also noticed that the late starting or early retainees did much better than those on the regular time track. Then they were able to successfully more along at their own speed. Give her time to mature physically and mentally without so much stress.

Hi M., As a teacher, if your daughter is not struggling or failing, I would recommend moving her on. That's great that she is reading and doing the math work. It would be better to hold her back later if she needs it. She may catch up in maturity along the way!

K. C.
http://www.bestlife4myfamily.com

I held my son back from the begginning- on my own. I put him in pre-k at 5. Instead of kindergarten. (All-day program). He has a June b-day. I think kids are pushed enough as it is. He's 20 now in college. He was so ready intellectually for kindergarten- but I felt he needed to grow socially. The teachers said he was ready- but the more kids- the more money for them. I knew he needed more time. It also gave him more time to play and learn-just be a kid. They grow up so fast. I'm glad I did that. I had more time with him. He grew up better adjusted thru school. Especially in college. I hate seeing kids going away to college so young--17 for some! I wouln't care what people think. I wouldnt compare. Think ahead- do you want her to go to college so young. I think being older gives them the upper edge. Good luck! I'm happy for the way it turned out for my child.
J.