Relatives Birthday Parites

Don't try to spare your child from hurt feelings. Remember to "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child." Our kids need to learn how to deal with disappointments. There will always be people who have more. Never criticize other people's parties or possessions to your daughter. Never say that her cousin has more than she needs, etc. Teach your daughter how to be excited for other people's things as well as her own. E.g. "Isn't it neat that she got to have a pony at her party and she wanted you to be there and enjoy it too!" Teach her not to compare what you have to others as you always lose. When she says her kitchen is bigger, just say matter-of-factly, "Yes, we all have different kinds of toys. Isn't it great that you live so close that you can each play with each others'?" Or about the shoes, "Isn't it cute that your cousin likes so many shoes? I wonder when we will get to buy you some more shoes because you keep growing..."

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I don't think you should "suck it up" and give a big party... Throwing a party with a theme can give lots of great photo opportunities, and I'll admit to going a little crazy with it, but now I'm not so sold on it (maybe its having 6 children and the potential for throwing 6 parties of magnitude a year that sounds daunting. Teaching kids that celebrating birthdays is not about getting presents from a lot of people, but is truly about celebrating life, should take priority when planning a special day. My four year old remembered eating donuts on party plates with the neighbor kids (we were going to do a special dinner later on with grandparents but he got a fever) and he can't wait until his next birthday. We have so much stuff from birthdays past that I really don't have the desire to buy more stuff. Grandparents usually gift and we are arranging (and paying for) some sort of family celebration, even if its just having a few friends over to play.

The idea behind throwing a party should be that you feel special because you are making someone else feel special (namely the folks coming to the party and the birthday girl)

It's not the size or expense of the party that makes this happen. It's the attention given to the people involved and the thought that you put into making this special that makes it a celebration.

Since she doesn't want a party together, but the girls are close, why not invite the cousin to do something special with your daughter and call it a birthday celebration. Keeping it small doesn't mean it doesn't have to be special. You can teach your daughter what you think is good about birthdays and how your immediate family celebrates them without getting into the comparison game with other friends and relatives. Good luck!

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M.,

I agree, it's over the top. And my daughter's cousin has some pretty amazing parties that we all enjoy, but I can't match it -- and I won't.

I really think that it is a good lesson in life to NOT get what everyone else has. How many adults are losing their shirts trying to keep up with the Jones's? If your daughter asks why she doesn't have that stuff, you can tell her that you think it is an irresponsible way to spend money.

We have been missionaries with our kids and they get that most people in the world are not as lucky as us, so when they bust out an "it's not fair, so-and-so has..." We remind them that it isn't fair that they have a decent roof over their heads and running water inside their home. That makes the point, but it doesn't mean they like it. But so what? I want to raise adults who are happy with what they have, are responsible, are giving, are NOT worried about what everyone else has. And if that takes some hard lessons as a kid, I say those are great lessons to learn so let it be hard. We can love them through the difficulties of not getting everything now, but if we raise them to get things just so they won't feel left out, who is going to pick up the pieces of the adults they become when they do not understand sensible limits?

Not getting everything we want is one of the best lessons my parents taught us. I'm passing that one on.

Cogratulations on the anniversary of the birth of your baby. I hope you all have a great time at both parties.

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You need to show your kids Love and value for the kind of party you are given them. You should never try to compete with the JONES, the grass is not always greener. You don't want to have their debt. You continue to do what you have always done, your kids will learn to appreciate what they have.

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Hi M.
I kind of agree with your sister-in-law about not sharing parties. I wouldn't share my wedding day because its about me and my spouse. I hated sharing birthday parties with my sister. We were born in the same month plus there's an age difference. This is the point, your birthday is pretty much the only time it's about "you". If I could throw elaborate parties, I would. Unfortunately, I can't. Sometimes I ask my children how do you want to celebrate your day. Sometimes I tell them you can only do this or this for your birthday. I remember the day they were born. Everyone was so excited for that child to be in the world. They came with gifts to celebrate their life. That's all a birthday is, we're celebrating the day that child blessed us and came into our lives officially. Now would I spend thousands of dollars on them...heck no. But if I can afford a couple of hundred dollars than I would. So as you can see everyone is different. If you don't want your children growing up that way than you simply tell them why. It's your choice how they grow up and what they learn from you. It's YOUR FAMILY TRADITION and no one else. I hope this helps.

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Bigger isn't always better- you have set a tradition for your immediate family that is very important to you and will be to them as well. Tell them that you have different ways of doing things with each other and people are very different and that is ok. So one family does birthdays big while others do them small and special. Don't let the green eyed monster change who you are and what you are trying to instill in your kids and that is an intimate relationship is more important than gifts. You are doing the right thing- don't let her get to you!

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In our home we have six children, and couldn't afford such a lavish party. Years ago we started just the intimate birthday parties, birthday cake, dinner and gift with a few family. That alone is expensive enough. If they ask for more I just explain that isn't our style of celebrating, and more is just too over the top. Good luck with your decision, just stick to your guns and celebrate the way you always do, you won't regret it.
Blessings,
D.

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We always throw a themed part for my kids. We have simple themes like lady bug picnic. We invite family and a few friends. We always have a brunch and serve food. This is in no way over the top and we have never had a pony. One thing that we do though is that we always have the guests bring a donation to the charity we have picked. For my daughter's 2nd birthday we had everyone bring children's books for us to donate the children's library at the local cancer hospital. When my son turned 5 everyone brought a new toy, game, or puzzle to donate to the local children's hospital. Our kids have too many "things" as it is and I want them to understand that there are those who do not have what they have. When he turned six he decided instead of having all his friends, he wanted 2 friends instead. Just decide what your willing to do and have fun with it. When my kids (I have 3) turn five they get to choose whether to have a big party with donation gifts or a small (2 or 3 friends) party. We have attended over the top parties where there are 30 children and I always pity the parents for having to top it with a bigger party next year. I also have no idea where they put all those gifts.

One of the best birthdays I have attended was when one of my daughters classmates had each child (there where 10) bring their bike, tricycle or scooter to the party. The kids decorated them with streamers at the party and we rode down the street two blocks to the local park while a parent played parade music on a boom box. Then we played at the park. So simple and fun. My kids still talk about it. Even my 6 year old.

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Big parties are for milestone birthdays, 5th, 16th 18th, etc. This is a perfect opportunity to explain to your daughter that your family's priorities are different than the others, financially speaking. Explain that the expense of that one party encompasses your "fun" budget for a whole year. Ask her if she would rather have the big party once a year and boredom for the rest of the time. Or she can have her regular birthday and fun throughout the year. I personally think it is a waste of money. Children do not need huge parties, it just tends to overwhelm them anyway. And I am cheap. We celebrate as a family, birthday person picks what they want for their b-day dinner (restaurant or home cooking)and we celebrate with cake and presents afterward. My children get individualized attention on "their" day. There is nothing wrong with subdued and financially responsible.

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your kids will remember how much you loved them not the big, lavish parties (besides what are you teaching them with such craziness) . We do not live close to family and I prefer small party with just the four of us. The kids pick out the cake they want and I try to make it for them. This year the kids are 5 and 6 yo and they got to decide where they wanted to go in lieu of presents and such. The younger one got disney and the older one got sea world. They had a blast and so did WE!. We did the BIG party for the 6yo this year at an inflatable place per my husband's request. I don't think my son even really cared. It was so busy and out of control. Let you sister inlaw spend all her money and be at her wits end and have a small party for your daughter. Just my two cents. Feel the love don't buy it! lol

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Why do you have to have a big party just because someone else does? Can't you all go to the extreme party and have fun? I wouldn't worry about it and make my childs b-day a very special day for them.

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I think Laura is on to something, I don't think you should suck it up, either.
I have been accused of being..over the top at times, but hey I'm a mom, I never thought I would be able to have kids so when I did of course I went "all out".
The great thing about families is that we each have our own. And each family has their own traditions. You can easily explain this to your children in the sense that you prefer a more intimate celebration where you can spend more energy on them individually rather than all the details and guests.

recently we started giving our kids the option...
A. party with a gift or two, and a special home made birthday dinner of their choice.

B. Go to dinner at a restaurant, a few more gifts (rather than the expense of party) and a special cake.

So you can go at it in different ways. I guess in a long winded way what I am trying to say is...It's your family, do what feels right in your heart.

This last year we started putting more emphasis on their baptismal birthday ..than their birthday, birthday...they seem to enjoy that.
anyhoo..good luck and God Bless.

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You shouldn't feel as if you were shot down regarding your request. I probably wouldn't share a birthday party for my daughter with someone else either.

A birthday is about celebrating that single person and making their day special. If this is your SIL's only child - she wants her birthday parties to be special. Perhaps a full blown cowgirl themed party is over the top - but it's her choice and not yours to judge.

You have chosen to have low key parties for your daughter - that's your choice. However, with your daughter entering a new social level (school), you will need to adjust your thinking about the type of parties she has. When it reaches this point I would suggest you get her input one what type of party she wants and you work together on it - her thoughts may surprise you.

In regards to keeping up with the in-laws....remember the old saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Teach your children the basic values of life, kindness, empathy and the difference between right and wrong. If your home life is a good one - hang onto it and don't envy someone else's - you never know the secrets that are lingering just behind the closed door. Kids catch on faster than you think.

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Big parties for 3/4 year olds are a bit crazy but the good news is that kids this age don't really notice that much. You know the deal where a 3 year old gets a fancy present but enjoys playing with the box the most? Same with parties -- just make sure her party is FUN and she'll like her cousins part too.

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We're all different - why would you want to start being like them? It's not the way YOU celebrate and you're worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. Relax, enjoy her birthday the way SHE wants to celebrate it. When my son was 5, he asked me how much we spend on his party. I told him about $150. He asked ME if he could have the money instead of the party so that's what he did for years. You may be totally suprised at your daughter's response to the shindig - I wouldn't go overboard just because you know that's what someone else is doing - the saying about the bridge comes to mind.....don't jump off just cause they do!!!!

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Just have your regular party. I don't know what your financial situation is; but an expensive themed party for a 3 year old seems a bit much to me.
What will happen to the 3 year old if Dad looses his job and they cannot afford the big, fancy parties any longer? My daughter was in school before she ever had a party where friends were invited.
Kids are pretty savy. I think as long as you explain to your child that at YOUR house, birthdays are special and this is our custom for the time being. When you go to school, perhaps things may change; but right now on your birthday,we will continue to give you gifts and take you out to dinner at YOUR favorite place and that this is a family tradition that may continue even after she starts having parties with friends. You might tell her that there are children all over America who don't have birthday parties at all. If she wants to know why she didn't have a pony show up - tell her that what someone has at a party or gets is not as important as who loves them and if you couldn't afford it make sure she knows that you skipped the pony so that you could get HER gifts.
Kids get way too much stuff now days that doesn't really amount to a hill of beans. The 3 year old may remember the pony - but will she remember what Mom & Dad got her for a present? What about quality time together?
Don't put your in-laws down - just make it a matter of differences in what people think are important and that all families are different. Just continue to stress what you believe in.

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You are a good mom for wanting to make your daughter happy! But, I would not suck it up and do anything different than you have been if you are happy with the result!! In my opinion, the parents that go over the top for their little princes and princesses are setting them up for huge disappointment later in life.
Who among us gets everything they want???? And when a 14, 18, or 25 year old person (whatever age) gets denied the first time, it is very unpleasant!

My kids don't get too much of what they want. But when we save and save & get them a nice gift that they don't expect, they are VERY appreciative of it!!!

With regards to the pony question, and all the others, your daughter's reaction will be largely affected by your response. I would say, "You're right sweetheart, we did not have a pony at your party. Wasn't it fun to ride the pony today? I am so glad we have pictures to remember that by!" And let it go.

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For a 3 yr old, yes, it's a bit much in my opinion but you just hafta respect that it's what they choose to do for their kid(s). I'd just keep doing what you're doing, it's on the right track. Just relish in the fact that you're trying to raise your child w/principals & values that others take for granted these days. As she gets older, the gifts may change but the lessons she may learn, even from what can be viewed as 'simple' birthday parties will last. If I were asked 'why' by my child, (in reference to 'why can't I have fancy, expensive parties') I think the answer would probably be something like: "well, we feel that birthdays are so much more special than just elaborate gifts & pony rides. It's the day you were born & that, in itself, is VERY special & fancy parties just cannot measure up to that, no matter how important elaborate, overboard parties are to someone else, they probably don't see birthdays in that way but we do." If your daughter just HAS to have a pony ride for her birthday, how about a trail ride instead? They can be a LOT of fun & a LOT less expensive & you'll get more out of a trail ride than just someone showing up w/several ponys & either leading them around w/the kids on them or putting them on a 'walker' & making them just go around in a circle. You can look online for 'trail rides' in your area. I'm not sure where you're located but if you're in Texas, I'm pretty sure you won't have any trouble locating one or, if not, then do you know of any friends with horses? Perhaps y'all can get together & organize an afternoon of riding. There are also several trail riding groups that may help you find a trail ride that you can just pay a fee to ride for an hour or so. Hope this helps & good luck!

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When I was growing up, we didn't have much money. I had a "bigger" party when I was 5, 10, 13, 16. ....if you want to call it a bigger party. ha-ha. I could invite about 3-5 friends for a sleep over and a cake. :) I loved every minute of it! It was very special and I still have great memories. I'm glad I only had a party every so often; it was special. Do not feel pressured to have the big party. If you daughter questions it, tell her your family doesn't celebrate so lavishly but once in a while you will do something special for her. As for your S-I-L, in her defense....I am a party planner by nature. Before kids, we entertained all of the time. I love throwing birthday parties for my kids but they aren't extravagant. I am a very frugal person and I do them very inexpensively. I'll do themes like a sundae party, bugs, etc. It's not about the gifts. If I wanted to, I could use the money I spend on a few gifts for the kids. As sorry as it sounds, the kids do not care so much about the parties at 3, but I do. I love to throw them and it's just as much about socializing with the adults as it is a good time for the kids. So, try not to be frustrated with her; this may be something she really enjoys doing. But, at the same time, it's not for you and your family so don't feel pressured to do the same. Good luck to you!

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You should not have to make up excuses or apologize for your ways and traditions. I think you are on the right track. You are the parent so you simply say, this is not how we do it. My 10 year old wanted a spa party this year and after researching the local party places we learned there was no way to have a party for less than $260.00. Call me crazy, but that's a bit extreme even for MY party. We ended up having a way fun spa party here at the house for less than half the cost. AND she got to invite more people hence more gifts.

Your sister-in-law is digging herself deep. How is she going to top all the parties so far. The poor little one will be expecting more out of life from more than just her mom. I feel bad for her. She is not learning the true importance of birthdays. I wouldn't share parties. Let your kids know it is their special time and theirs alone.

I say stick with what you're doing. Have a short and simple explanation for your kids, but do not make excuses. You don't have to jump just because everyone is doing it. Good work and good luck!

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The birthday party for your niece is their family decision. Go and have a good time.
As to your kids, you have several options. Five is a good age to start having SIMPLE birthday parties. Cake, ice cream, some games, goody bags with age appropriate gifts, and maybe a theme if she wants one, are the way most of us do it. If you don't want to, stick with what you've always done. Give here the choice is the best route.
As to the issues of the other family doing everything bigger, you just keep calmly explaining that different families do things different ways. Tell them you choose to do smaller things now so you can save for college, or go on a nicer vacation, or whatever your reason is. You can never "keep up with the Joneses" even if they are related.
Our niece had a million dollar wedding (I am NOT exaggerating). It was beautiful and way over the top.
The rest of the family, not so financially fortunate, told our daughters that they could expect something far more restrained.
Stick by your values, but don't criticize the choices of other family members, especially within the family.
Good luck and enjoy the birthdays!

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hmmm...my first thought is...if you start something (big party)with your daughter, she will expect it everytime. A hard lesson to learn is she cannot have everything others have.
I know you are under a little pressure with this issue and I feel for you. Some tough decisions will be made on your part, but I think your daughter will be better off in the long run if you don't provide everything under the sun for her. There is a value to this.
For now at least, I think your daughter will get over it soon enough, even if she does ask questions. Just let her know each party is different and this is the way we do it in our house. At least your daughter's birthday is before her cousin's so she does not see it and expect all the entertainment.
I even have a problem with loot bags for all the kids. I thought the party was for the birthday girl/boy. I'm thinking to myself....I just spent $150 for 10-15 kids to have a good time and now they cry over loot bags. See what I mean about expectation and appreciation?
Happy Birthday to your daughter!!!!!

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I think you have a lot of great advice on here. Unfortunately, you can only be responsible for you and your own children, and cannot control what your sister in law does. I know that your child(ren) may feel like the difference in the parties isn't fair. However, when they get older, they may see and appreciate that you stuck to your guns with not going to extremes with their parties. Someone made a comment that they work hard for their money, and should have a right to do whatever they want for their children. When I read that, I'm wondering if she actually really does have this type of money, or if the's going into debt for these extreme parties. That would be a great economics lesson to explain to your child(ren) when they're older - - why you don't spend money like your sister in law (and probably others, down the road)does on parties. She may be paying for that party long after it's been celebrated. That is how I plan to explain the differences in how my children dress, what activities they do, what toys they have compared to how their cousins or friends have more things. Believe me, you are not alone with this dilemma, and I'm totally with you on this one. I have this issue with my own children - - not so much with family members as with their surrounding friends and neighbors. I don't know why they have to go over the top on everything. I guess they just think that their kids have to have it all. What they don't realize is that this is sabatoging(sp?) some values that their children need to be instilled with. They don't need everything they could ever possibly want. There is value in children earning things. There is value in children giving to others, rather than always wanting things for themselves. There is value in children knowing that there is more to life than things. I could go on and on. I say you're right on track with not indulging in your own children. They'll benefit in the long run.

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That was a very good, cost efficient and very fun for the girls way to have a birthday party. But if you start to try and do those type of extreme events you will turn your daughter into the type of mom in the future to say NO to someone else's idea..... That had such great reason behind it.

I say, in my opinion..... Explain now about the situation, before the events. In a very honest age appropriate way.... Like...when we go to so and so's house for her birthday, there are going to be extreme situations like ponies, tents and so on..... It's okay that they have them, that is what they want to do.... But I feel that those sort of things are a little to much for a family and friends party of any occassion.... You know if you would like we can have A BIT bigger of a birthday party if you would like... I do enjoy our family birthday dinners.... But we can plan one...... And so on

hope I've helped.

I think you are getting ahead of yourself here. Your daughter may LOVE going to her cousin's party-but since that is not what she is used to, I doubt she will feel like she was slighted. Occasionally my kids will go to an all out party and come home bragging about it or ask "why don't we do that?" and I just say that's not how we celebrate birthdays. Mostly they are just tickled to be included and they got to do something special. Each family has their own traditions- maybe yall do a big Thanksgiving feast and the cousin doesn't. Maybe all of your traditions are more low key- but enjoyed by all. (Imagine the pressure for that poor 3 year old- she has to be good and polite and REALLY enjoy that party for her mama....)It seems you are the one feeling pressured-and imagining that your daughter will feel the same. Both my girls like to have very small parties with a no more than 4 or 5 friends-but we do something special like all pile into one hotel room for the night and go to the movies and dinner. Or my older one has a tradition started when she was 11 of renting a beach cabin for the night for her and 4 friends. (That one has gotten a little pricier since the cabin rates went up- but it is a GREAT tradition and I love being able to share it with her and her friends.) Go to the cousins party, enjoy the spectacle and then celebrate your daughter's birthday however the two of you see fit. Ask her what she wants- you might be surprised! Good luck.

I am going to give you a different prospective. My husband and I have the SAME birthday. YUCK! We have now been married 23 years and here is what we do: I will split the cake. 1/2 chocolate (his) 1/2 white (mine). Both sides have happy birthday with each name. We do NOT do combo gifts. We sign happy birthday twice. I know that may sound silly but it is a special day to each of us and I want each of us to feel special.

Birthdays are special and people may not want to share the "spot light". In our family, we only go all out for the "big" birthdays. 13, 16, 18 and 21. My daughter just turned 21 and we had friends from out of state and we went to San Antonio for the weekend. Normally, I would fix their favorite breakfast and then they would pick what restaurant they wanted to go to for dinner or I would cook their favorite dinner. On the weekend before or after, we would have a party. Nothing fancy.

Big themed birthdays are over the top especially for 3/4. However, if I could afford it I might have done it.

Just let it go. Its not worth getting upset about.

It's not about the daughter's birthday , it's all about the M. and dad who are trying to outdo anyone else. I think letting your daughter help decide what she wants to do for her birthday within budget and good taste is the appropriate course of action. Sometimes what a child remembers when grown up are the little attention to details and strong love and thoughtfulness shown them on special days. Don't get me wrong, you can still do crazy things, but not as a show of your wealth or social standing. Good luck!

so what is the hang up here? do you really think that big parties are for the gifts? We celibrated our sons party simply in my opnion (cake, hotdogs, piniata, gifts, party bags) but according to my mom it was an extream party..."we do alot for our parties". I dont remember my mom doing any less. if you could afford to have a big party why dont you? really why dont you? what ever your answer is thats what you tell your daughter IF she asks you. truly this all sounds huffy about not being a joint party. BTW i am a jan baby and both of my kids will be too. i dont want to share birthdays...its there special day.

You have to do what's right for your family. That will different than other people most of the time. I don't like extreme parties - nor do I have the money for them. I'm honest with my kids. I don't think those parties are good for them. I don't even give my kids a big party every year. We celebrate it every year, but sometimes it's just for us. My kids don't always like this, but they accept it because that is just how it is in our house. I do emphasize that they will get a huge party at 16 (sweet 16) and that one will be extra special. They have something to look forward to. I'm just honest with them. Big parties and parties every year just aren't good for them in my opinion. That is what I believe and it goes along with values that I want to teach. Therefore, in our house - we don't do it the same as everyone else. It's ok to be different as long as it's not a right or wrong issue. We don't do Christmas or Halloween or Easter or any celebration like everyone else. We choose not to. My kids still have lots of fun!

Hi there! You have lots of opinions already...I don't have time to read them all, so sorry if I am repeating what's already been said. I think everyone is different in terms of the emphasis they put on birthdays, and you should just do what your family is comfortable with. I think I had one birthday party growing up and that was fine. I don't recall comparing what I got to do with what my friends did for their birthdays. I was just happy to be invited to the big blow-outs! My husband and I always threw big parties for our oldest, as she has always been our 'social butterfly,' but when our two younger children were small, they tended to be more shy and would get easily overwhelmed, so we kept things smaller and simpler for them. It has never been about gifts...in fact, our oldest's birthday is 4 days before Xmas, and we would always donate several of her gifts to charity. She was happy to do it. I say go the cousin's party and have a great time, but do whatever you're comfortable with for your daughter's birthday. Also, talk to your daughter and see what she would like to do...you may be surprised that she wants something more along the lines of what you want to do anyway. One thing I would like to remind all moms is that if you are only inviting a few of your child's school friends, go ahead and go to the trouble of getting their addresses and mailing the invitations, rather than having your child pass them out at school. It really hurts a lot of feelings when the invitations are given out to just a select few, right in front of the children who aren't being invited. My middle schooler is dealing with that right now and I just can't understand the insensitivity on the part of the parents (as well as the children--they are old enough to know better by now!). Good luck!

No!! Don't keep up with the jones'!! Even if it is your family. You do what you think is right and best for your family!! If you daughter asks, tell her the truth. Birthday parties are for the kids but some parents love to throw and plan parties or use it as a show off time. Don't feel bad for what YOU do, do what you think is best for your family. It sure doesn't mean that you care about your daughter any less!!

A cowgirl party with a horse at this age....what will she top it with when she's 15/16? You know you have to top the previous one. I'ed say, stick with your plan. A special family night out at the restaurant of your birthday child's choice will make for some special memories. When she gets older a party with her friends will be in line, but for now I'ed bypass the big ones. Just go and have fun and if your child asks why she can't have one like that she is old enough to explain your feelings that what your family traditions are are the best and will mean more to her in the longrun.

I think I would just take her to the party and enjoy it, sounds like it will be fun. If she asks anything about it I would just tell her that every family does things a little differently and maybe point out some special traditions you guys have that she loves. She's really young so I don't know that she will expect a big party at her tender age. If it became an issue as she got older just remind her that we are to enjoy and be happy for people on their special days, ours always come around. I have a family member who does big time parties and I do cake and friends and games at the house, I am not worried about it. I think I am going to do something big like every five years or so. I say just go and have a great time and keep the traditions and the way you guys do things the same. This definitely isn't the last time she will encounter things that are different so I wouldn't start making adjustments I wasn't already planning to make now.

No, definitely don't "suck it up" and throw a big party if that's not your style. Your daughter will need to learn that she doesn't automatically get everything that other kids get. If you decide to do a party, give her a budget and tell her she can choose what she wants within that budget. We have had parties that seem big because we have a pretty big group of friends, but do favors and party goods from Dollar Tree, activities and games at the house using mostly what we already have (maybe some inexpensive crafty things from Hobby Lobby), and serve pizza from the $5 place down the street. Plenty of commotion but no expensive pony.

I would only do a combo party under special circumstances. One reason is that I went to one recently, and each kid invited their own list of friends, and the gifts the 2 kids opened were distributed very unevenly because one had more friends that could come than the other. I'd only do it if people know both kids well enough to give each a present, of if the kids are old enough to do some alternative to presents. (I can't wait until my daughter is old enough to understand donations and other alternatives to presents--I hate the present tradition. It's not why we invite our friends over.)

No, you & your husband do what you think is best for your family. That's what they do, so what. Your daughter is 5, theirs is 3. They will be close, as cousins. Your house is your house. Have her focus on the joy of her cousins birthday, not the fluff around it. She knows her parents love her, for her. Not just for a birthday show. Enjoy her day in your familys way. It is genuine. Can't buy that security.

Sorry, but if I were your SIL, I'd be upset that you were making this about you. You feel "shot down", which is a pretty strong term for what was probably a respectful decline to your request. If she wants to throw a big party for her kid, that's her right. One or both of those parents work hard for their money, so what right is it of any of us to criticize them for how they spend it on their children? My son will be 2 on January 1st and if I could afford to go all out on his birthday, I sure would! Your SIL probably has her heart set on particular details about the party and maybe she was afraid that by sharing it, she'd have to alter those details. And so what if she does want it to be all about her daughter? I don't think that makes her selfish.

You do what's best for your family, M.. To each his own. Don't create in-law drama where there doesn't really need to be any.

I wish you luck and I hope your daughter has a wonderful 5th birthday!

I am a grandmother.I have raised 2 kids who have turned out pretty great.You are NOT silly for thinking the big party for a 3 y/o is inappropriate.What does she have to look forward to for her teenage years? Stick to your gut feeling and don't give in to be like everyone else.There will plenty of times in yours kid's lives that when they say " everybody does/gets it",you will have to say not everybody; because not you.Your kids need to learn that your values are important and they will never get everything everybody else has.It is good that they begin to learn young in my opinion.

Your child is going to experience many things in her life and she will have to adjust. You are not obligated to throw her an elaborate birthday just because someone else does. You need to explain to her that her birthdays are just as special because she gets to pick the place she wants to eat at etc. Tell her when she is a little older you promise you will throw her a big party. I think it is horrible that your sister-on-law did not agree to share the day with the two girls. To me that is very selfish and would not have caused any issues. Your sister-in-law apparently likes to show off and make people think they have more than they have. We have all done the big birthday party at one time or another but this ones sounds extreme since it is for a 3 year old. The poor thing will not remember it except through photos. Just keep doing what you are doing and let your daughter go and have fun. But again please make your daughter feel as though her day is so important (which it is) and make sure she gets maybe that one gift she truly wants. She will understand.

Sounds to me that yall are two diffrent people with two difrent lifestyles and thats ok.you need to continue your lifestyle and quit trying to keep up with the Joneses sort of speak,as far as her not wanting to share the party is snobish,selfish,just try to be honest with your children about things, be who you are. best of luck

i think you have done the right thing...when you throw extrem parties every year...what happens if one year you can't your child will expect it...I think you have done right by your kids teaching them to appreactiate the small celebrtaion...I would say there would be no problem in throwing something small with friends and family with a few games but only if you can afford and i think in the long run your children will understand....good luck and don't change the way you do things just because someone else does it differently!

I love your "So What Happened" follow-up. A big party like you are describing sounds like fun for a kid, in theory...but the reality of a huge party like that is that most kids that age get overwhelmed, exhausted, and cranky with that much stimulation. Then you're looking at meltdown on a massive scale. A laid-back party like what your daughter wants, while much more low-key, will more than likely be more enjoyable to her. It'll be interesting to see what your niece thinks once both parties are over. :)

I think it's wonderful that your daughter wishes to just have "family time" for her birthday. Sounds like she's well-grounded. Not that there's anything wrong with parties big or small, but when I think of good times when I was a kid, most of them involve family. I also think it's great that you're teaching your daughter moderation. As you said, we don't get everything we want in life, much better to focus on what is important.

Hi there,

Well, in my experience over the last 12 years with birthday parties----these extreme parties are not really about the kids, it's all about the Mom. At 3, a kid would be happy with cake and a bouncy house.

You do for your kids what is best for your family.

Good luck,
D H

Hello M., Don't worry, there are always going to be people who mis-understand, or who are just looking to post something ugly, it somehow makes them feel better. ( BTW, I didn't even read anyones post but yours, but gathered by your response that someone wasn't very nice.)
I understand your situation and your question, I want to speak frankly here. I don't think that your sister in law throws big parties for the presents, i think it would be cheaper for her to go out and buy the presents, then it is for her to throw the big party. and I do see that she wants her daughters birthday to be all about her. I think I would feel the same way. However that all said now, I want to tell you, that I would not throw a big expensive and extravagant party for my child, just as you stated you don't want to do for yours. I think like you , that it is about the celebration of your childs life and the presents and cake is great, but who wants a spoiled rotten child? If she does all this for a 3 yr old , what does she think her 16th birthday will look like? Anyway, I think you should maintain your lifestyle and plan the same birthday celebrations for your children that you would if your SIL was not out doing your ideas. Good for her if she wants to do that, you can teach your children the value of a dollar, and when you go on those vacations, remind them that you can do these things because you did not break the family budget on their birthdays! You have nothing to prove to anyone. Remind your daughter that different people have different values, and different incomes,and spend their money in different ways. They may be in deep debt for all you know! Best to teach your children what you believe is right, remind them that they got to go to the party and enjoy the pony rides, and someone else had to pay for it! Try not to feel resentful, that your SIL chooses to spend her money this way, you are the wise one, you should sleep well knowing that! Blessings to you and your family, S.

With this economy hopefully you'll start seeing more reasonable birthday parties. Our kids have a "friend" birthday party every other year and they don't mind at all. Some of their friends have parties every year. They know that on their "non party year", we do something really special with them (their birthdays are close). I remember having maybe 3 birthday parties growing up and it didn't scar me. Big parties every year may lead to some kids who feel very entitled and a gimme attitude.

I think you can plan on doing for her birthday that is special without keeping up with your family. It's a hard lesson to learn that things are not equal. Our friends got a swimming pool. Of course my kids asked for one. We explained that while they are very nice and fun, if we got one, it would take the money that we save for fun vacations for many years. Both are great but we chose to do vacations and our friends are more homebodies and wanted a pool.

If you suck it up and throw a big party you are not comfortable with, you'll feel like you have to do it every year and with other things.

Your daughter will love special times with you more than a big party.