Relationship Advice- Please Help!

Hi D.,

This can be a touchy subject and I commend you for being able to ask for advice. As you will see I'm a pretty open person so here are my thoughts. I'm living your problem... but from the other side. I'll try to give you a little more insight into how you husband may be feeling. We have a 10 month old son and my husband and I had a lot of very stressful things happen in our lives while I was pregnant (two house payments for 9 months, death in family, etc). He went on an anti-anxiety/depressive medication that may be affecting his interest in sex, but I feel just like your husband does. That it's my fault. I never lost all of the weight from the first baby and now I'm pregnant again (ok so my husband does have some interest LOL). But I feel like it's me that he has lost interest in, not just sex. When my hormones aren't over-reacting I can recognize that it probably is the medication and that sex has always been more important to me in our relationship than it is to him. I know that we spend so much of our emotion on our son that it can sometimes take special effort to show that love and affection to each other. Like you we dated for two years before getting married. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary in August. When we would watch TV at night we would always sit next to each other on the couch and hold hands. Now one of us is always with the baby. I really miss those little shows of affection and just being touched in a casual way as we pass each other in the hallway. I'm not even going to suggest trying sex at another time of the day because I know how impossible that can be with a baby's schedule. Does your husband help with the housework and your daughter's baths? What are you doing right before you get into bed. If chores, can your husband pick up some of that so you can take a relaxing 1/2 hour bubble bath? Are you breastfeeding? Is that affecting your thoughts on sex. Do you work outside the home or get some type of social interaction besides your daughter? It is only that you are tired? Do you ever feel mad at your husband (and therefore with hold sex) maybe because you feel he has more freedom than you because you feel more committed to always being there for your daughter (especially if you are breast feeding?) Is your diet the same as it was before the pregnancy? Are you still taking a multi-vitamin to help with energy? Do you exercise at all? Can you take a walk after dinner, with or without your daughter and husband? Did you lose the weight from the baby? How do you feel about your own physical appearance? Are you doing anything special for yourself? Go buy a new outfit, get a new haircut/color, splurge on a pedicure or massage. Not sure if any of this clicked with you. I guess my point is... look into reasons why you could be feeling this way aside from recently giving birth. Initiate sex, even if you don't feel like it!!! He may still know you're really not into it but he will be in a better mood the next morning! Or you may find that by initiating it, you peak your own interest. Give him a kiss on the back of the neck before you start to get ready for bed. Spend the time getting ready for bed thinking about past experiences with him that were exciting. Think about doing things you have never done before. Doesn't mean you have to act on it but it could help get your interest back. If he isn't touching you where you really want to be touched, communicate that!! For me sex is an emotional connection as well as physical and without it those emotions build up in a bad way. I really need that release on a regular schedule. Also, you don't need to have sex to show your husband how much you love him. As I mentioned, little signs of affection go a long way. Spoon in bed for 5-10 minutes before going to sleep. Put your hand on his leg while driving somewhere. Stop and rub his neck/shouders when you pass him by. Give him a hug when he gets home from work. Don't just say I love you, that can get to be an automatic reply. Tell him your glad he's home or that your glad it's the weekend so you can spend more time together. I hope something in this long winded reply helps you!

C.

3 moms found this helpful

This is a very healthy question, in my opinion, and I'm glad you are comfortable enough to ask it.

Your doctor is right. Sexual drive does drop after a child is born. The first year is full of ups, downs, exhaustion-both mental and physical. With each of my children, my drive dropped drastically. I even went through the "doing it just to get it over" phase just so I could go to sleep faster.

This is something you really need to have an open discussion with your husband AND your doctor about at the same time. Bringing your doctor into will show your husband that it is perfectly normal and it isn't his fault. In the meantime, it may be that you need the mood set a little heavier than a man saying he's ready for some loving. I know I do. And once my husband realized the issue, he was more than happy to oblige.

Just realize, marriage is a partnership-an open and loving partnership. It only works if everyone is willing to at least meet halfway. That includes the bedroom as well as the rest of the house. If you are distracted by the little one, have one night a week that is for you only. Hire a sitter, a friend, a grandmother. Children need parents with healthy relationships. They won't hold one night a week against you.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

HI,D., FIRST IT WILL PASS,BUT MATBE ITS JUST YOU DONT FEEL SEXY ANY MORE ,?SOMETIMES AFTER WE HAVE KIDS WE CHANGE , DID YOU LIKE SEX BEFORE? YOUR BODY IS GOING THROUGH CHANGES AND THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR SELF TO SEE IF ITS REALLY YOU OR HIM? THINK ABOUT IT , SOME TIMES WE JUST CHANGE, AND IT COULD BE THAT YOUR JUST TIRED AND WORE OUT AND THE THOUGHT JUST DONT DO ANY THING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, GIVE IT SOME TIME , IF IT DONT CHANGE IN A FEW MONTHS THEN GO TO THE DR.

Hello D.,
I am a pure Romance rep and we have alot of products to make the bedroom life alot better.
Like the one girl said we do sell x-scream and it works wonders on getting things flowing.If you need any advice on anything or any info i will be more then happy to help you out in anyway that i can.

You sound just like I did and how I still sometimes do. What you're going through is absolutely normal. I just turned 23 and I have 2 children. One is 2 1/2 and the other is 11 months old. After having both of them, my sex drive was just non existant. Nothing got me in the mood. I don't know if you breastfed or not, but that made things worse for me because of the lack of estrogen. Now that I have stopped breastfeeding it has gotten a little better. I'm not as dry as I use to be (sorry for being kind of blunt). It sounds to me like it is a hormonal issue. It takes a while for your homones to get back on track so tell your husband to be patient because it won't last forever. It might also be the birth control you're on. You should speak to your doctor about it.

A.

I am sorry to hear your situation, but it sounds like I could've written it myself! My daughter is now 18 months and I still feel the same way. I've been to the doctor to see if I was OK. Everything was normal! I'm beginning to think it's just a mental issue. I work full time, do all of the cooking and cleaning, laundry, take care of two kids and basically run the entire house! I think I just resent the fact that my husband has only changed one diaper, and absolutely will not "babysit" our daughter. He says he just isn't comfortable and maybe things will change by the time she is two! I hate that "most" men get a choice of what they will and won't do! I've been trying to get back into the groove, but it's been a really hard task! If you figure something out that helps your situation, please pass it on!

Hi D.,

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. However, I can also relate. My second daughter will be one this month and it took me a little while to get back into the "swing of things". I found that doing little things to make yourself feel sexy can really help. A nice steamy bubble bath and a good smelling lotion, a nice little nighty or some smooth music can make just that much of a difference. Give yourself some time, you still have a lot of the intimate feelings for your husband and miss all the secret moments and light touches in passing you must still have that feeling and attraction there for him. Just give yourself some time and go with the flow.

Hello D.. I'm not an expert. If you don't have a hormone problem. Make a date with your husband after having a good nights rest and see what happens. If you still have no sexual desire and you have exhausted any other problems like thyroid I would check out a sex therapist. A friend of mine used one and it helped her. You could check with your OB or your hospital. I hope you find the answers your looking for. Good luck.

I think taking care of kids zaps energy so fiercely, and that's why we lose interest in sex. It's not fear of another pregnancy or low body shape image, (altho that could sometimes be the issues). It's just that we have other proirities, and we know we MUST be there for our kids and be up for it. You may feel very pressured to do it all for kids, and feel like your hubby does nearly nothing to help. Who wants to do it under those terms??? P.

You've received some great advice so far. I don't have much to add except that you need to examine your birth experience. Was it a heavily medicated birth, or c-section, or other physically traumatic experience? I know that with my first child, the birth was so traumatic that I didn't want anything to do with sex for a long time. I didn't realize this was the problem (I thought it was hormones) until I started talking to friends about my birth and then I realized how out of control I had felt during the experience. I guess my mind put up a dislike for sex to avoid going through the same experience.

One I opened up and educated myself on healthy pregnancy and births, I began to have more interest and eventually I became pregnant again. The second time around was an incredible experience (natural waterbirth at home)!

I hope you find out what's triggering these feelings.

Are you breastfeeding? That can decrease your sex drive because hormonally your body is saying it is not ready for another baby. Anyway, I think this is pretty normal. For me, it took until my kids were a little over a year before my sex drive came back.

This happened to be as well, and I learned that after delivering my 1st child that my thryroid stopped functioning properly. My TSH levels were too high, meaning my metabolism and such were to low. I started levoxyl and 2 months later I was pregnant with my 2nd (they are 18 months apart). So for me, that was the issue! Happened again after 2nd daughter was born... increased meds and look at me... we are expecting #3 in January (20 months after #2).

Not saying you need to have 3 in a row like us (as most think we are insane), but as I begin to pursue my doctorate we decided to have our family close in age, and while we are still young (I'm 28 and my Hubby is 29).

Ask about your TSH level. It is a simple bloodtest and an issue that is often overlooked if weight gain or loss is not happening at the same time (which was my case - I showed no signs other than low sex drive).

Figured it was worth mentioning! My husband was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer 5 years ago, so we are very aware of this amazing gland. His specialist told us, that nearly 70% of population is having issues with their thyroid, yet nearly 70% of those, go undiagnosed! He is now 5 years clear after 2 surgeries and we just laugh that I too ended up with a thyroid disease as well... a match made in heaven I suppose! =)

Hi! My name is C.. I am a mother of 2 girls (6 and 3)and am a pharmacist. I had an IUD(Mirena) put in 6 months after my youngest was born. I went thru the same thing as you. I also was not sleeping, I had chronic insomnia. There is a small percentage of people with IUDs that do not ovulate at all, which may interfere with your estrogen levels, decreased levels will cause a lot of things including decreased sex drive. I had my IUD removed and went back on birth control pills and I feel a lot better, not 100% but definitely better. Maybe you should have your doctor check your estrogen levels, all it takes is a simple blood test. I hope things get better for you.

HI D. MY NAME IS A. AND I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I HAVE FOUND A SOLUTION. THEY MAKE THIS CREAM STUFF CALLED X-SCREAM CREAM IT IS SOMETHING WOMEN CAN USE TO TURN THEM ON IT WORKS AND ACTUALLY MAKES SEX ENJOYABLE TO YOU. I JUST THINK WE GET SO TIRED AND OVERWHELMED SOMETIMES OUR BRAINS JUST SHUT OFF AFTER WE GET THE LITTLE ONES TO SLEEP. I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN GET THE CREAM LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. A.

D. Congrats on teh new marriage and new child!! Ok so I have never personally exp. not wanting to have sex for that long. SOmetimes you have to alllow yourself to get into the mood. Have your husband take the time to turn you on. The extra attention might help. Is there anything going on within your marriage that might have you resenting your husband? Is he not helping with your daughter and leaving it all on you? If that is the case you need to address the issue and resolve it. You know as well as I do that sex is VERY important in a marriage.

Hi D.-

Well, I don't know if this helps, but I feel like I'm in the same boat. I am 26 yrs old and absolutley could give up sex for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. I didn't know this was a "side effect" of having a baby. I simply do it to satisfy my husband, then go to bed. So maybe after hearing your story, I should go to the doctor.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice. The only thing I could say is to go back to the doctor and see if there is some medication that you could go on. I think I will try the same thing. I wish you well!

I had the same problem your having right now. I was a new mom and my daugher took my very last energy that I had.
I agree with the advice your have gotten so far. You did need to make time afer the baby goes to seloop or leave her with a trusted friend or family member and take time just the two of you.
I want you to know that in time as your daugher gets older in some ways life does get better.
I didn't really want sex for the first year after I had my child. I did like you and had it just to keep him happy.
Just pay some extra attention to hubby when you have the chance. Let him know you still love him, and that your just trying to mentally and physcially adjust to being a new mom.
Mom doc told me it takes almost a year for our bodies to get back to where they were pre baby. It took me a little longer because I am much older than you and I was out of shape to begin with.
Just give yourself more time, but take care of happy too. He should like he feels out of the loop.
Things will get better I promise. The first year is really hard. Being a new mom !
Good Luck

Good Luck.

Sounds like you need to talk to another doctor. It is normal probably for a while after birth not to be interested in sex but not 9 mos later. There are meds that you can take and maybe you have a little depression? It's not real attractive in my opinion to think of something else going in where your baby was just coming out. Pregnancy and birth are not a real easy thing for your body to go through and if you're anything like me, you don't feel real attractive afterwards either. Hope this helps a little but I can truthfully say you're not alone. Maybe your husband doesn't make it worth your while? Is he the only one getting any enjoyment out of these times you spend together? That can be a big factor too. Good luck~

Hi D.,

You might want to have a serious talk about this with your husband to make sure that the two of you are on the same page and so that he doesn't really feel that it is his fault because of his faults whether they are self imagined or real.

At any rate remember that it takes 9 months to have a baby and 9 months to recover, you are just now recovering and hormone levels are probably just now leveling back out. Also if you are nursing your child then your period may not have come back just yet and you don't feel like you breast are for pleasure any more, but more for functional purposes. You're also dealing with the lack of sleep even if your daughter is going to bed by 8p.m. that doesn't mean that you are too and there is always the worry involved during the night so you don't sleep like you used to anyway.

When was the last time that you and your husband had a night out when it's been just the two of you. Maybe you're lacking romance it's not that you don't want romance anymore, quite frankly you may not have time for romance. Basically the jest of what I'm getting at is that you have a lot of things going on in your life surrounding your beautiful little girl and your body is trying to recover also, give it some time, talk to your doctor about hormone levels and your thyroid, talk to you husband about how you are feeling.

I hope you find your answer.

Hi D., Lots of good advice has come your way. My daughter who is 30 and has two boys 5 and 8 she could have written that letter.

I told her to go to the doctor, doctor said its normal. (For that long) I don't think so!

30 is the prime I told her to change the atmosphere.
She went back to her doctor and the doctor put her on medication.

OH, she works 50 to 60 hours a week Management so she is tired. I think that also has something to do with.

I take the kids which she says is no problem for her. but she can still spend a little time on herself and I told them (daughter and hubby) to plan a date each gets a weekend they rotate and this has been helping.

Also sometimes mom's get so wrapped up in children, work and house cleaning. The husbands can just hand over the paycheck and that is enough. Eat the same thing every day for a while and you need a little change. Not someone else, a hotel room with your sweetie, dinner and a glass of wine, watch the sun set. sounds stupid but if you can clear your mind of the daily needs of your children, house and work and take care of you it will be a grand time. It may take a couple dates before the urge strikes you. Good Luck

I am a mother of 3 young children. It is a big change to go from no children to everything revolving around your little one. You must create your relationshipw with your husband. My advice is to take time out for the two of you. Go out and do something you both enjoy, wow, go on a date. You are at a point where you need to create your life while also being a mom. It's easy to give everything to your child and nothing to the relationship that created that beautiful child. But don't forget that your relationship with your husband must ALWAYS be created. Never think it will just go on; as your life changes and grows, so must your relationship.

I hope this helps. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we have a great relationship. We have continually created the relationship as our children have grown.

Best of luck,

P.

I was feeling the same way after I had my daughter. She is now 11 months old and the feeling has started to pass. I think it just takes some women longer to heal then others after childbirth. We have to heal physically and emotionally from giving birth. My fiance also blamed himself for me wanting to have sex. Have your menstrual cycles started coming regular again? Mine just started to and i think that may be part of why my intrest is coming back. But sometimes i still fell like i could care less about sex. Talk to your doctor again though...you could have a mild form of post-partum depression. Even if you are happy with your baby you could still have it. I went through a little in the beginning but i talked to someone about it and it really helped. I never had to go on medication or anything. Having a baby changes a lot in your life very quickly. You could just still be adjusting to being a mother and being a wife. Its hard work whether you are a SAHM or go to work. Just let things work itself out. Im sure it will come back soon enough. One of my doctors told me that not wanting to have sex is also a sign that your body knows it does not want another child right now. Well i hope this helps.

D.,
My youngest daughter is now 3 1/2 and I am still in the boat you are in. My doctor did a test on me to check testosterone levels, and mine where pretty much not existant. I was informed that after having kids these levels can drop in some women, and I was one of them. There are shots and cream for it that are designed to help boost the levels. I hope this will help you some and good luck.

This is a classic symptom of postpartum depression. I would suggest talking to a professional such as a counselor or phycologist. Ask your family practice doc if they will run some simiple blood test on your hormones such as others have suggested.
Yes, breastfeeding can lower your need/want to be touched or interest in sex. But it would not take away your sex drive completely for this long. Something else would also have to be going on here.

D. -

Do you and your husband still date? I am 27 and have been married for eight years. I have two children under 3. About a year after having my daughter we began "dating" again. We set aside one night a week where it is just time for the two of us to relax together. Sometimes if we can't get a sitter we rent movies and get a pizza or make popcorn and snuggle on the couch after the kids have gone to bed. Or, like last week, we just went out for coffee and caught up on what was going on in each others lives. It helps us to reconnect and just enjoy each others company....this seems to make a huge difference in our sex life....we are enjoying being with one another again and we are reminded of why we got together in the first place.

Also when things in the bedroom get a little stale or one of us isn't interested (which is an issue you face many times as the years begin to add up) we go back to making out...this might sound silly, but we take a couple of nights and just "make out". After a few nights of this, both of us are ready and in the mood.

Regardless of how you feel, you can't stop trying. Once you stop trying it's like all hope is lost.

Also don't forget to take some mommy time. Get a pedicure a massage anything to relax and just enjoy being you.

M. :)

Hi D.,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have a 4 year old and an 8 month old and I feel exactly the same way. I actually thought my hubby may have been writing this letter under your name! lol
I also have an IUD and I am breastfeeding. I received some blood tests after my baby was born and it turns out I have hypothyroidism---which can give you a low sex drive. I have been on the meds for that almost 2 months and am waiting to see if that changes anything.
I read all of the responses that you received and am going to try a couple different things.
Christi (I think that was the response) had a lot of great ideas which I am going to try.

Good luck--you are definately not alone.

D.
Its perfectly normal. I'm a first mom of a 10 mos old, and felt the same way you do. Its not that you feel any different about your husband, he's done nothing to turn you away. You're a mother now, and are completely in that state of mind. YOu love your husband, you would like to feel that way again, but its just not there. You're happy being a mommy. Now I nurse our daughter, and while up in Chicago on a trip, there was actually a husband who wrote a letter to the morning news about this very thing. The lady/dr. on the news said for women who breastfeed, it can take up to 6 mos AFTER you wein your child from breastfeeding before you get back that hormone, that sex drive. I suggest, whats helped me. I went out on a "date" with my husband, nothing fancy just to dinner... I wasn't happy being gone from my daughter but i did it anyways. When your together make it a point to just hug him, kiss him, hold his hand whatever.. to get you to rekindle that emotional connection. I'm not back to "normal" either. Just be upfront and honest with your husband, thats all you can do. Its not his doing, its just a phase. It too will pass... if this doesn't work, or your still worried or stressed about it see a doctor it doesn't hurt to ask. BUT if there are more Issues that you have going on then you want to share to us, you need to bring those thoughts and feelings up as well, and keep asking dr after dr till someone listens. If its just sex, let it go. You'll get there.
You've got lots of advice here. There can be many factors to it. Menstration (mine just came back last week for the fisrt time), breastfeeding, work, outside the home stress factors, adjusting to baby's ever changing routine... just breath and relax. If you need more help let us know thats what we're here for.