14 answers

How Do I Get My Sex Drive back...and Rekindle the Spark

I used to love to make love to my husband now it is months before I let him touch me..and that is usually cause he gts pissy about it but he doesnt understand that it is not him I have no sex drive at all...

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Oh boy, do I know how you feel. I am 29 with two kids and one on the way. Shortly after having my 2 year old I lost all interest. I go months and it makes my husband pissy too. I don't know what to do because I feel so bad. Like it something I should be doing but can't. Anyway, good luck and if you find something that works let me know.
K.

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hi A., apparently many married couples i have been talking with who have young children and both adults work experience this problem. I am sorry. I too am trying to deal with this in my home. we have a 3 year old son and I work full time as does my husband plus I have a 3 year old attached to me when I am home..... the last thing I want at night is a man attached to me ;) I wish i had an answer but know you are not alone. The problem I feel for us as woman is not the lack of sex but the lack of closeness you get from cuddling and touching and they just want the sex so they can get it over with and go to bed. We cannot do that especially when months have passed since you have been intimate. If you can get your husband to realize you need the closeness and the touching you shared pre child then the sex will return with your enthusiasm?? hope this helps good luck and I am still battling this in my home nightly. UGH!

2 moms found this helpful

Have you considered adding a vibrator or some edible lotions? Sometimes just by adding one of these can help aide you in the bedroom area. Men like to be suprised so adding a little toy can help you as well. I'm actually with a company called For Your Pleasure...which carries these types of items. Let me know if you'd like me to send you the website. I do home parties so I could always bring you some of the lotions to try if you are in CT.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

You didn't mention if you were on any medications ? Many anti-depressants, high blood pressure medications, Xanax, Ativan, and even over the counter cold medications depress your sex drive, and some deaden the nerve endings making it difficult to experience any arousal at all. Also, for me, a lot is psychological, if I have a "to do" list a mile long, feel like I'm not getting any appreciation, or am feeling resentful, I don't want ANYTHING to do with romance. Sex shouldn't be something you check off your list ! I work from home & even though I know I pull my weight, as well as shopping, cleaning, kids, blah, blah, a lot of time my DH who leaves at 7:00 & gets home at 5:00 gets a lot of envy from me LOL. Men are a little thick sometimes, tell him how you feel, and that you need a back rub or romance to FEEL romantic.

I know what you mean. When I was pregnant with my son and for months after he was born I had no interest at all. Even still it is hard for me to get in the mood. But I compromised with my husband, and in place of intercourse I would just pleasure him. I also explained to him that if he wanted it he would have to get me in the mood, which as you know can take a lot longer for a tired mother. But he would take the time to please me to get me in the mood, and now my sex drive is slowly returning. It will probably never return to normal and honestly I'm ok with that. Maybe try having a date night ever other week to have some alone time focusing solely on you as a couple. But you will have to work at it. Good luck.
J.

Hi A.,

I've read in some herbal medicine guides that you can take suppliments that help with sex drive. I think it is completely natural and there is nothing weird about it. It happens. Women's hormones can run amuck sometimes and it can cause us to loose our sex drives. Plus if you have a lot of stress that can be the cause as well. I would recommend talking with your husband about what's going on and try some of the herbal remedies. maybe try to rekindle by having date nights where you have romantic alone time with just the two of you. this seemed to help me and my husband when we were in a rut. we have a 12 year old.

these are some herbs I've found: (you may just want to do some more research in order to see what is best for you to take - some of these could have reactions if you are on other medications...it is always best to consult with a doctor or herbalist)

Dang Gui - 300 mg capsules (this also helps with PMS, I would recommend this one. I use it and it seems to help me)
or
Damiana - 2 - 4 mililiters of tincture (this one is also a natural anti-depressant, so make sure you check with a doctor)

I hope this helps you. I would probably say if it is so severe to maybe see a psychologist together.

A.

Oh boy, do I know how you feel. I am 29 with two kids and one on the way. Shortly after having my 2 year old I lost all interest. I go months and it makes my husband pissy too. I don't know what to do because I feel so bad. Like it something I should be doing but can't. Anyway, good luck and if you find something that works let me know.
K.

I was so glad to read other posts and realize that this doesn't only happen in my house. My fiance is ready for it almost every night, and well, me...not so much. I'm just so tired that I can't wait to hit my bed....and sleep :) I work full time out of the house, have just started my own business (so hopefully soon I can work at home), have an 8 year old that is into every sport, and a 4 year old. By the time I get home, do dinner, clean up, get everything ready for the next day, laundry etc...sex is usually the last thing on my mind.

I will suck it up for him though, and give in even when I'm exhausted because I know its important, but I also just pleasure him, to keep him happy. I think relaxation is a big help, and also, spending time with just the 2 of you.

Hi girl, i work full time as well (4p-12a) so i can be home during the day with my 4 month old son and with that comes cooking dinner to leave in the oven for Dad (my husband), cooking his lunch for tomorrow, making and storing bottles, cleaning the house, laundry, dishes, nap time, work 4p-12a, and then either at 12:30a when i get home or early in the morning b4 he leaves 4 work (at 8:00a), my husband wants sex. Its not that i dont want it, but im tired... and when i say this, he doesnt get mad... but annoyed. And he does help me tremendously, but my drive is not there like it was b4 my son and when we do have sex, its not that exciting any more simply b/c im tired. So my advice to u is what i do... i suck it up when i am able to and make love b/c i know thats an essential part of a marriage and i try, despite how tired i am, not to take how tired i am out on him by depriving him of sex and lately ihave been enjoying it more when the sex is "dirtier" lol. Try spicing it up with things u never thought of b4- lol! Good luck hun

I agree with Wendy! Take time to relax. The most important things in life ARE NOT working, it is living and being with the ones that we love.

Being back at work & still having all the responsibilities that you had before are probably taking their toll on you. Do you find yourself internally cursing your huband and son for not picking up after themselves & helping out with keeping the house clean? I am an at home mom but have an 18 month old & an breast-feeding my 4 month old. Between the 2 of them I have no time to keep up on anything & I was catching myself cursing my husband for leaving dihes around & not picking up after himself or helping pick up after our busy daughter and the list goes on..... My sex drive has been low lately & my husband confronted me about it so I started thinking about why there is this change. I have started speaking my mind & not keeping things that are bothering me bottled up & our sex life is now better than it has been since the kids were born.

I am not sure how much I can help you, but something I noticed with your question is that you seem to be overwhelmed and tired, and perhaps all of this, all the work you do outside the home, inside the home, and of course mothering, you may feel a bit stretched. You may need more time to yourself, to feel more "free" from stressors (even good stressors). Maybe you have a little anxiety going on as how to do all that you feel needs to be done. One person can only give so much. Then when you add on the guilt of your husband's irritation--well that can't put you much in the mood either.

Have you and the Dh had any date nights recently? Sometimes as a woman all you need is a nice sweet night of just hanging out, throw in some romantic overtures and no expectations of anything to follow but some cuddling. Men, well they love to start and end with sex...so of course the only way to solve this is real communication. Let your hubby know that you adore him and you love your intimate relationship--it's not him. Make an appointment with your OB/GYN and see if there isn't something physical going on they can help you with, and also work on your time and energy levels. You can't give the energy if you don't have it. You might need to do some shuffling to get the energy to do some things and get some things done. Maybe some of the things that you think are important to get done are not. And believe me, if you have little help, or not that right kind of help, it can make things a whole lot more difficult.

Take care, and good luck.

Hi A.,
I know it can be frustrating not to have your sex drive and have your hamper always full.
Sometimes we torture ourselves with what we think we should achieve in a day.
You have a child, husband, work and a house to take care of. The most important thing is to be there for all that. Be there happy and healthy.
I would suggest you should do your laundry once a week. No matter how full your hamper gets during that time.
And try to think about how it used to be when you had your sex drive. On times like those, I normally start thinking about having sex the moment I get up so that when my husband gets home from work in the evening, I'm in the mood..or at least I'm psyched to having sex. I know it must seem very perversive, but believe me it does the trick.
Good luck,

I have to agree with the "take time for yourselves" method. The more relaxed you are the more likely you will be in the mood. Communication is key, but even just doing it for him when he's really ready, or other things to satisfy him. You went into the relationship for better or worse... right now you may be in the worse part, but you need to keep things going. I have found that for me, a mother of 3 year old irish twins, the more we take time for each other, the more I want to be alone with him... and if you read past posts, I am the one who can't keep her kids in their own beds, so that adds even more excitement!!! LOL

Something that I have found that work (and I know this sounds bad) is a few glasses of wine. I am mother of two and work full time and we just bought a new house. I have a tough time relaxing and keep myself moving all the time cleaning and taking care of the kids. I pick a night where my husband cooks or we get take-out and have a glass of wine with dinner and one when the kids go to bed. That is enough to relax me and I am ready for my husband again.

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