Received a Child's Birthday Invite with BYOB at the Bottom

Then you would hate my house in the summer!

At my house: Pool+Nice Hot Day=Kids swimming+Cocktails!

~Just b/c it says BYOB doesn't translate into 'You have to get plastered'!

18 moms found this helpful

I can't recall any of our pool parties that didnt have alcohol.

We played volleyball every friday night for two years, all of our kids were there, we all drank and everyone had a blast.

Parties that have kids and adults and alcohol are run a little differently than adult parties with alcohol. All of our friends were responsible, we never had any drunk related, embarrassing incidents or accidents.

You dont have to drink, but by her telling you it was BYOB, she's letting you know alcohol will be there and you can choose to come or not I suppose.

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Does she get to tell you her personal feelings about how you parent?

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So let me get this straight, you feel compelled to tell your friend you don't like how she is throwing a party you won't even be attending?

Wow.

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Here is the thing with BYOB, it means bring your own beer. Doesn't mean you MUST run out and buy beer and drink it, it just means if you want beer bring it yourself because it will not be supplied by the person throwing the party.

You are responsible for your child, not everyone else at the party that may be drunk. Each person has to figure out how well their child can swim and whether they are safe to drink. If they think they have it under control they they can bring their own beer.

So I think you are projecting your parenting and social choices on others and are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

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We used to have a birthday parties with beer, wine or margaritas.. but by no means did any of us ever get drunk.. Even the breastfeeding moms could drink beer..

I am going to assume, parents may have a drink but are going to watch their children. I cannot imagine this is going to be a big deal.

And no, if you are not attending, you do not need to inform her. She is a grown up.

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You are not attending and therefore will not need to BYOB, (which by the way could mean any beverage alcohol or non alcohol)....so MYOB.

People with pools have been having BBQ's....Swim Parties for many years which included children and adults and responsible parents who look after children and adults in the water. Perhaps the woman would appreciate your input because it's a good thing to let others know how you truly feel. It helps to know these things when organizing the next guest list.

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We have a pool party for my son's half birthday every summer. He is 6-1/2. We have always served alcohol for the adults (ice water and milk for the kids). Usually margaritas and beer. No one has ever gotten drunk and I see no problem with this. Before we had my son - we did the same pool party every summer - we had plenty of couples who brought their kids. It would never have occurred to me not to serve drinks because people brought kids.

ETA: I've been thinking about this a bit and contrary to some posters, I think it is a GOOD thing for kids to be at events with alcohol. Drinking is part of our culture and kids should see it as a normal part of adult life. Handled responsibly and not a big deal. Just like driving a car will be part of life. Hiding it away and making it some great big secret can only contribute to the binge drinking that is part of teen age life for so many kids. Contrast the European experience growing up with alcohol (without having a drinking age) with ours (with our history of prohibition and uptight 'morals').

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My kids and I are attending a birthday/pool party this Sunday (we are invited every year), and while it is not BYOB, they will serve alcoholic beverages to the adults. They don't want to have to supervise a dozen kids on their own, so they invite the parents as well. I think they are being good hosts. Of course, this is not a "getting plastered" crowd, more of a sipping wine and having a few beers around the pool crowd. I don't see a need to tell her you don't like her party plans.

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I dont get why your bothered? Theyre letting people know theyre not supplying it but you're welcome to bring it. I have always gone to kids parties and BBQ's where there is beer served. Have you ever been to a memorial day BBQ, or 4th of july? I've been to one with kegs and all kids were wacthed and cared for and noone got wasted.
Pool safety at any huge party is always iffy. Ussualyl people assume because there is a croud and bigger kids they're safe. This has nothing to do with alcohol. I would go and still take turns with my boyfriend watching my daughter and her friends. I would also have a beer or two (not get hammered). At every party theres a few people who get a little too drunk after the kids go to sleep, but it doesnt mean the whole party is going to be like that, nor does it mean you should/could impart your opnion on your friend. I would find it rude if you told her.

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We have a backyard BBQ every year for our kids birthday party and I always put BYOB on the invitation. Yes, I mean bring your own Beer. I invite the child's family to attend not just the child and if the adult wants to partake of an adult beverage, then they are welcome to. I am just not going to supply it. LOL No one has ever become intoxicated or negligent of their children at our party. Since when has it become a crime to have a drink once you are a parent? Some parents do like to have a beer, while hanging around watching their kids at a pool party. If you feel strongly about it, then by all means say something to her, but don't expect anything to change. This is after all your opinion. Not every one is worried about what other people think.

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I am horrified at all the moms that think alcohol and a swim party are an appropriate thing. A child locally died last week at a swim party where the parents were drinking. He fell in the deep end behind a raft and by the time he was found he was dead already. Drinking in any way impairs judgement and has no place at a kids swim party. Are people so addicted they cant attend a social event without a beer? I am really shocked all these moms do this! I have never been invited or attended a kids party with swimming with alcohol at the event. Other parties, of course. I know 44 other people responded but the former swim club life guard in me had to cry out, no! Not ok.

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I don't get the problem, bring your own beverage or bring your own booze. Just becasue people like ot have a beer or two doesn't mean that the party will be full of craziness and drunks. We had a keg at our baby showers!

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Well then don't hold your breath for an invitation to any party at my house. All my best friends have kids and we have parties with them all time and have some sort of drinks at all of them. We don't get smashed we have fun and our kids have a blast together. It is not your party so don't worry about how she throws it. If you don't want drinks at your parties that is your decision but don't go around telling others how to throw their parties. Most of our parties last all day with at least 2 meals for both adults and kids. Most of these are pool parties also and we are still responsible and watch not only our kids but all the kids in the pool.

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I thought BYOB meant "bring your own beverages."
I realize that when you are young it absolutely means beer (lol!) not beverages, but why the assumption of alcohol? They probably are budgeting for food and water/punch so they are letting you know if you want to drink anything else please bring it yourself.
Oh, and yes, we drink beer and wine around our children, even at birthday parties (gasp!) but we are not drunkards.
If you feel your friend and her family/friends ARE drunkards then by all means stay at the party and keep an eye on your son. If she is truly your friend then there is no reason to judge her choice of refreshments, that's her business.
ETA: well, your ETA says it all, don't go. I wouldn't. And I probably wouldn't continue a friendship with people who drink too much, especially around children :(

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This is funny! I mean I'm not sure what kind of adults you've been around, but many parties that we've been to that have had drinking and kids was fine. The parents were responsible enough to know to not get plastered at a kids birthday party. So I feel it's totally fine. I think it's great when it's BYOB b/c everyone can relax and have fun and it's not so uptight. And obviously, you don't have to go if you dont feel comfortable around it. But, it's not a big deal to me, AT ALL.

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BYOB means "Bring your own bottle"...of whatever you drink--beer, wine, lemonade, soda, liquor, juice, water.... Whenever you see "BYOB", that's what it means.

I think that you should not criticize to her how she throws a party. It's her right, and you only get to decide what your participation will be. Just because you don't like her way doesn't mean that her way is wrong. If she ever asks you about what you think about it, then that would be the appropriate time to tell her. I would "leave it be".

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Yes, of course call CPS for having a beer at a party!! OMG, seriously? Children learn responsible behavior by seeing responsible behavior, not by hiding it away. Personally, I think the BYOB is kind of tacky. I mean, if you can't afford alcohol, then don't have it. I just have a problem with this kind of alarmist thinking. If you know a party is going to get out of control (which it can get with or without alcohol) then it is not the place for your child. I would go to the party, bring no alcohol (although it it was me, I would bring a bottle of wine), stay a few hours, then go before things get out of hand.

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In my family, we are social drinkers... meaning that we have various types of beer for the adults at any given function. INCLUDING kid's parties.

Of course, we are all responsible about it... We absolutely do NOT get drunk in front of the kids, and we make sure that there are DDs for every car.

If I knew there would be several plastered adults... no, I wouldn't take my daughter there. Not only for the safety hazards, but for the example they are setting. I have always felt that it's important to show children how adults SHOULD act and be responsible with alcohol, sot that when they get older
they are less likely to go buck wild.

I would just tell her that you are trying to be a positive role model for your child in regards to alcohol consumption, and that at her age you don't want her getting mixed signals. -I feel that that lets her know you think it's inappropriate, without condemning her too much.

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Well I had to read this b/c it made me LOL. I'm sorry, but thats too funny. I don't know, I don't drink that much, but have attended childrens parties where alcohol was served and I didn't think anything of it. In fact at one kids party they served strawberries and champagne and I thought shoot this is a really, really nice party. I've never gotten an invite w/BYOB, but I kind of think its funny, but thats just me! My feelings on the party would would probably depend on who the invitation was from and then I would think about if potential problems could arise.

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We don't drink. so when I receive a 'BYOB' invite, I just take the soda, tea, or juice that my family wants.

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We're not big drinkers; we could have a 6pack of beer that will last a whole autumn in the fridge, and eventually half of it will be used for chili. That said, I don't see ANYTHING wrong with having beer or mixed drinks at a bbq, we do that too sometimes. It's not "too have a good time" or get drunk or whatever, but because we think it's nice, refreshing, tastes good, and we're relaxing with our friends. My children know that there are adult drinks and they don't care. I grew up with dad and his friends having some beer when they grilled or whatever, and I never thought anything of it. My husband, same thing....wine or whatever is commonplace. If you don't personally drink that is fine, but that doesn't mean that alcohol in front of children is bad. What could be "bad" is the behavior or attitude that may or may not come with the alcohol. We don't get drunk and do not hang out with people who get drunk (or at least, WHEN they get drunk), because that is not us. And I don't want my kids to see THAT. Not at their present ages, at least. It's not what I want to be around either. We're grown. However, I would have nothing against a pool party with the type of people I hang out with, with children around. We'll do a fish fry, crawfish boil, oyster roast, bbq, a pool party, whatever with kids around, and I'll make chocolate russians, mojitos, margaritas, OR fuzzy navels, and the men will either have some of that or beer, and noone thinks anything of it. I also make special party punches or whatever for the kids (never the same color as whatever we're serving adults). Nobody acts stupid. I would leave if people were intoxicated and acting irresponsibly, but I wouldn't think anything of it at all if they acted like adults.

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I don't get why people have to drink when they are doing something with their kids. It's a birthday party for your kid, so let the kids have fun. It's not about the adults having fun, if you want to have a drinking party then do it without kids. The fact that some people might not get drunk is besides the point, the point is, it's for kids and you are setting a bad example for them. Then we wonder why there is so much under age drinking. Where do you think they get it from. I would just be honest and say I don't feel comfortable having my kids around people who are drinking.

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Too bad we don't live closer, we would be great friends! I happen to agree with you. My husband and I RENT this house (going on 5 years) and we paid to put in a pool fence and our kids are older. We rarely drink and would not feel comfortable at a party specifically for a kids bday where the parents are running around drunk. So no way would we even attend. I don't think I would say anything to her. It appears that its common she has drinking parties as that's how she likes to live her life. I would just pass on the parties that have alcohol and kids at the same time. Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

I'm related to these folks! I know what you're talking about. If it were a friend that I thought MIGHT listen, I'd say something like, "Do you have a designated lifeguard for the kids?" If she opens the door for conversation, then I'd drive home the fact that she could be seriously liable if anything happens to any of the guests.

I would also avoid a party like this IF the hosts and most of the guests get wasted on more occasions than not. Like I said, I'm related to people like this......we don't spend much time together for this very reason.

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Every party I remember going to as a kid always had beer. Every party we've thrown has had beer. Are people drinking until they're hammered? No way. Just because there's beer and a pool doesn't mean it's going to end up with people drunk and passing out in the pool. You're probably over-thinking this a little. Now, if it were a college-aged party with a pool and beer, totally different story.

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That reminds me of a beach party we got invited to once for a preschooler...at the bottom it said, "Clothing optional". Yup, didn't go to that one either!

As far as your situation, I don't know that I'd make a big deal out of it...but perhaps have something prepared in your mind so that if the subject ever comes up, you can politely say something that expresses your feelings without coming off as self-righteous or anything of that nature. I don't drink, generally don't enjoy being around people that are totally plastered, and wouldn't really want my children to be either. If it were somebody I was close to and it ever came up (I wouldn't bring it up)...I'd probably say something like, "I don't feel real comfortable being at a kids party with a lot of drinking - but that's just me!" And I'd shrug it off and leave it at that.

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I think BYOB is tacky but not because its alcohol at a kids party. But becuase you are asking people to bring alcohol to your kids party. Your kids party, you foot the bill. for everything. so so tacky. I do not think its tacky or bad or whatever to have beer or wine for adults at a child's birthday party if its at your own home though.

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I grew up in Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes, so you can imagine that our summers were filled with lots of swimming. If the adults are responsible ones, it is quite possible to have alcohol without threatening the safety of any kids. Never in 30 yrs of going to family events have we had anyone get drunk, yet there is ALWAYS alcohol available. Some adults are responsible with alcohol, actually, MOST are.

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Leave it be. My brother does this with his children's parties. We go to support my nieces and nephews for a few hours. Then we leave before it gets too crazy. It's not my place to tell my adult brother how to raise his children, live his life or conduct his parties. I certainly don't want him doing it to me. This falls under 'live and let live' in my opinion.

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I understand this concern, I am simmilar in your views but have learned to not impose them upon others. My rule is at least one adult must be sober (one adult in charge of MY child) and typically that is me. At my SIL's we have wine nearly every family gathering but MIL is a lightweight so she typically does not drink - problem solved, we often carpool and it is strictly family only. If this were a BBQ of my man's friends I would not be bringing my son knowing drinking will be going on period - his friends are often irresponsible drinkers IMO (a few couples fight constantly when drinking). So, I think you have to find what works for you and I think that it will not do anyone good to mention it seeing as many of her guests find this acceptable. In the future decline OR only attend for an hour or so - should she question it tell her you leave before the heavy drinking starts, but otherwise enjoy her events.

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I think it really depends on the adults. You know this group to be irresponsible and so you can control your own actions.

I don't think there's anything you can say that won't have a negative effect on your relationship. Many of us are able to have a beer or two and stop there and be fine. If you know this group isn't capable of it, make your decision accordingly. Your friend will have to deal with any consequences and learn on her own. Leave it be.

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Well, there's enough of a false sense of security when it comes to gatherings with small kids swimming, and that's without people getting sh!t faced drunk. Unfortunately, people there are a lot "partiers" that don't mature when they have kids & they'll continue to throw drunken parties as if the kids aren't even there.

If they are as bad as they say you are, they definitely have questionable judgement & morals, and I probably wouldn't stay friends with people that stupid & irresponsible.

I have been to many a kid party & there hasn't been alcohol of one, yes, not one of them. I think alcohol is best saved for non-kid time, not to mention, I enjoy it a whole hell of a lot more, as well! There seems to always be that one idiot, or couple who just can't handle themselves when they drink. Ugh.

I wouldn't say anything. She will probably just get defensive & insulted.

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I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't say anything to her.

I also agree that if I had my 4yr old at a party where adults were "plastered," we would definitely leave. In that case, I think it's acceptable to thank the hostess for her hospitality and to let her know the reason for your hasty retreat.

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Sounded fun until you got to the part where the children are eight-back in the olden times-there was drinking at the community pool, on the part of the moms, because there were lifeguards and the children were excellent swimmers-at a private pool, the preferred coverage means more than one sober adult/lifeguard per every 8 children that are 8 yrs old. For 4 yr old children-the rule is one sober adult for every 4 children, and the children have to be good swimmers. Might have to miss this one or plan to go and stay. I grew up on a lake and I know that water is a very formidable and unforgiving opponent. God bless you!

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why don't you just say, "sorry we won't be able to make it." and leave it at that?

unless there is a blood tie i see no reason to keep babying this friendship along. if someone has such vastly different morals it's hard to stay close friends. i wouldn't raise my son around people who do things i am vehemently against. he would come to expect that that is "normal" and acceptable. you would be validating it by participating in it. doing it just for social obligation is ridiculous, imo...so don't go. you don't have to go into great detail, just send your rsvp "no" and let it go.

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So I guess you wouldn't attend a party at a chuckie cheese or place like that? You know they serve beer. I don't see the big deal.

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I personally have never had alcohol at my kids' parties . . . but I have seen it done.

As far as BYOB - I'm semi-OK with that if it's close friends or family. That way they know they can bring it. If it's a larger circle of friends I think it's a bit tacky to ask people to bring food or drinks to a child's birthday party.

I would be *very* careful with alcohol, kids and pools. I would at least designate someone to watch the pool closely, or even hire a lifeguard.

If I'm not mistaken, Tommy Lee - from Motley Crue - had a kid drown at one of his kids' pool b-day parties.

It's very, very dangerous to mix alcohol, kids and pools.

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bummer, I think you need to be selective about this friend. i woudln't want to be at this party, i would feel like i had to watch all the kids and i would feel very guilty if one drown.

so i'm with you, not sure you'll have much friendship left if you confront her though, unless you can do it in a lighthearted way with a smile, but i'm not that good of an actress.

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I have been to parties where the adults have wine or beer, but I have never seen anyone get drunk -- it's a drink with dinner, one drink limit, typically. If I knew there were people drinking to excess, I would not attend. But I want my children to see that alcohol can be consumed responsibly. I started sipping wine at meals with my sicilian family when I was 8 (which I don't allow my kids to do), and I was one of the only people I knew in college not partying and getting drunk. I had a responsible, healthy attitude about alcohol and still do.

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It is probably best you don't go, as you may be left to watch the kids in the pool.

As for commenting on the BYOB, you are not going, so it seems you should just leave it alone.

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If you have to assign designated drivers, there's too much alcohol for a kid's party. I wouldn't go. I would feel the need to be a babysitter to all the kids and wouldn't enjoy it anyway. Young kids, a pool and plastered parents... not a good idea, IMO.

ETA: If you know they are responsible and no one will get drunk, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. But that doesn't sound like the case with these folks.

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Usually, no. This would not bother me unless it was like you said, people that you KNOW will get saucy. A couple of drinks is no big deal, but we've also left parties from certain people b/c of the heavy drinking.

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Are you sure she was implying alcohol? You didn't mention the ages of the children, but I have heard plenty of people use "BYOB" to mean "bring your own BEVERAGE", not just "beer".
If her son has an eclectic group of friends, there may not be a "standard" beverage that they all enjoy. Many teens today are picky. Diet this or that only. Or those chilled coffee drinks in a can. Or some sort of sports drink. Or flavored water (but only certain flavors). Etc.

Yeah... it could seem rather unusual, but if all his friends drink something different, and they are teens, then I can see letting them know to bring what they prefer to drink, b/c mom isn't providing 17 different kinds of soda.

Do I think it is tacky to ask the guests to bring their own? Maybe. It depends, again, on the kids themselves and the relationship they have with the family. But I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the "B" in the invitation means beer. It generally means "beverage".

ETA: and if they are KIDS, not teens, then I can see it too, if there are several kids that have dietary restrictions due to allergies or whatever. I have always brought my own anyway, bc my daughter refused to drink the little Caprisun packs that everyone brought as the drink to every kids party that ever existed. She only drank water, milk and gatorade. That was it. For YEARS. I'd bring her a bottle of water so she wouldn't go thirsty.

ETA: after your SWH: Well, if you have left her parties before because of the hosts/guests being plastered with kids and a pool, then I'm sure they know your opinion about it. Right? Don't go.
Do I think a bunch of adults and little kids and being plastered around a pool is smart? Of course not. But then, I don't think a big bunch of adults and little kids around a pool WITHOUT alcohol is a great idea, either. Everyone assumes that the "other guy" is watching the kids. But, since you've been to these parties before with these people, and you are as bothered by it as you are, surely you've spoken up and given them "warnings" about the potential dangers.... So, really, just don't go. No need to do or say anything more.

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I wouldn't drink myself if I had to watch my kids around a pool. I don't know if I would be bothered of others were drinking unless it was excessive or they were not watching their own kids in the water. Hiring a lifeguard for the party is a great way around this.

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I think the drinking is best left for times when children are not present. I do not have a problem with alcohol, I just think that at a birthday party, every parent needs to bring their A game and be accountable for their kid. Nobody does a good job watching the kids if they are drinking! If I were you, I wouldn't say anything to her, because if you aren't going to attend anyway it just makes you look like a busy body. I agree with your view, but don't mention that to her.

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At some parties, the adults manage the alcohol well, and at others they don't.
If this person's alcohol use/policy makes you uncomfortable, it's probably best that you distance yourself.
She obviously does not feel she has a problem and she'll be keeping on with that belief right up until they drag a body from her pool.
She might get lucky and not have a tragedy happen but you don't have to be there to watch and worry.

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We have a pool and my children have pool parties. I serve alcohol at the parties. The people that I welcome into my house are responsible respectful people. I personally do not drink..Just because alcohol is served doesn't make your friend a bad person. Unless you have experienced lude roudy behavior at one of their parties, you should keep your opinions to yourself. What works for them may not work for you. If you have had bad experiences at their parties and you believe the kids are in danger, yes, you should say something.

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We got some.extra beers that we put inside in the minifridge in case anyone wanted one when we had my dds birthday last summer. A few people had one or two. No one was drunk though and we dont have a pool. I dont drink personally, but I dont have a problem with drinking. I do have a problem with people getting drunk and irresponsible with their kids, especially around a pool.
We had our wedding reception at my parents house, they have a pool. Since the party was in the evening and we were serving alcohol, I put on the invitations that kids were not invited. I had a few people get really mad they couldnt bring their kids, so go figure.

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I think people react differently bc we have different kinds of friends. BYOB wouldn't bother me in the slightest bc our friends are not the types to be so irresponsible to drink to the point they are plastered aroudn their kids. Ever... Pool or no pool. In general, we're all past the point of getting really drunk. Maybe one half of a couple will have more than they should once in a great while but certainly not both parents. So to be honest, I think I'd question more whether you want to have your group of friends only be responsible around their kids if there's no alcohol actually available to them at the moment vs stick with a group of friends who can safely have a drink and watch their kids around a pool.

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well, I do agree that drinking to the point of getting plastered....does not go hand-in-hand with active parenting. But I seem to be in the minority.

I do enjoy trying new drinks. I have my favs. Love a good hard apple cider on a very hot day! But I do not have any need to become drunk. 1 or 2 drinks, as I would any other beverage...& then I'm done.

My DH is a diabetic heart patient. Even long before these medical issues, he had stopped drinking by the time we were married....about age 25. I find it sad that his aunts/uncles assume he still drinks (30+ years later!) as they still are. All "party" conversations center around their drinking escapades. Just not my thing. There's way more to life. :)

In your situation, I do attend the parties. I simply do my own thing...& ignore the drunkasses. Last year, we attended a dock party with my Sister's SO's family. Huge crowd, fun group. We were the only 2 sober adults out of about 40 people. Our 15yo was having a blast watching everybody's antics....& we had a convo on the way home about choices. Perfect opportunity to discuss what's coming up in his future. :)

Oh, & we now hold the title of "the ones who don't get drunk, but still are fun". (insert eye roll here, please!) Whatever. Soooo, my recommendations for you: don't voice your opinion. Go, be happy, & let your kids have fun. Leave before the B.S. starts. :)

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I would just casually ask her if she's really comfortable with everyone being drunk and very young children in a swimming pool. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

If she says yes, I'd just say I'm not and I don't think we're going to come but I'll bring a gift for your son either before or after the party day.

If she's really your friend, I would think she would already know that you are not comfortable with mixing drunkenness, swimming and young kids. If she doesn't already know it, she should be okay with you saying your not okay with it - if she really is your friend. Don't say it judgmentally, just matter-of-factly.

I cannot even imagine a kid's party without alcohol. :) But, I've never been to a BYOB kid's party where people are getting wasted. That would be scary.

I agree that it probably means bring your own beverage. Alcohol and a pool do not mix well so I don't think the parents would allow it anyway. What parent would want to be drunk or even almost drunk at a birthday party

I think it's cheap and tacky for her to say BYOB. If you can't afford to host a party 100%, then don't have one.

I would never dream of asking guests to BYOB.

As for alcohol around children, I don't have an issue asking as its social Nd no one gets smashed. Like another poster said... Do you won't go to chuck e cheese, bowling parties, skate parties, etc? Sound a bit obsessive.

Parent who forbid alcohol around children, hide it, and make it appear so bad are the ones who's teens will be the first to experiment.

I was hoping it was bring your own bathing suit :)

It is a little unclassy to have on a kid pool party invite.

ETA: i did not mean a parent cant have a couple of drinks, just meant tacky to ask to bring your own. we drink responsibly in front of our kids.

I wouldn't say a thing to her. If she chooses to have alcholic beverages at her party, then that's her decision. If you don't feel comfortable, then decline the invitation.

My friend hosts an annual party and it's BYOB for all ages. She asks the teens to bring their own beverage, which is usually a 2 liter bottle of soda.