Reaching Out for a Prayer

I got a lot from reading "John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children". He covers most everything.

Love can. Prayer is the best advice I can give. Maybe talk with a pastor. Be on their (grands)side. Just be as loving as possible. In this turbulant time those kids will need a soft place to fall. The balance side of that is expressing clear expectations on behavior. They need to realize that you are a person with feelings too. Punishment varies per child. It is hard to find each child's button. My dd 8 could give me more respect at times too. I just had a talk with her and I usually try and show her that I care about what kind of person she is.
Way to go being there for your grandkids.

When I was young, I had one parent who talked bad about the other and the other parent completely supported the other (divorce situation). As I grew up, I was able to understand more, and I still love the one I didn't back then. If you make sure to do right and they know you still love them, and let them know you still love their mother too, I think they will eventually see how much you did for them (when they can think for themselves). Also, don't forget to talk to them about how wrong it is to talk bad about someone else and how it hurts that person. No need to mention names, they'll figure it out one day. It's so sad that you have to deal with this. Just keep on keeping on in love!

Jodi,

Firstly, I agree with Peg's advice. Also remember that children love their parents even when they treat the kids poorly. Don't ever talk badly about their mother (or father). They will remember your words and attitude.

Treat the girls with love and respect. This is a hard job when they aren't treating you the same. I think that the prayer that is needed here is your own: If you ask the Lord for a loving heart, for guidance for these girls and more ways to show your love for them, He will lead you. Pray every morning for guidance and you will feel a change within you. He loves you and He loves those little girls.

Good luck.

Jodi-
I feel for you deeply. I have a grandmother who is schizophrenic. I have seen her outbursts and up & down irratic behaviors since I was very young. The only thing I can advise is to continue to love your grandchildren. Try not to get to angry with them. They are little sponges they will soak up everything they see - including emotions. They are probably just as confused as you are. They just don't know how to vocalize it. Instead, they are going to act out. When they have an outburst let them know that you do not agree with their behavior and it is not okay. Give them a consequence for their outbursts, but follow it up with a one on one conversation to show them that you do care about their feelings. I find when my son gets himself into trouble I will send him to his room -for example- and let him get mad, then sad... then I will invite him to sit next to me after he is done with his behavior and talk about things. I always ask him what he was feeling and why he thinks he felt that way. Then we try to come up with a solution together. He realizes that not always do certain situations go away right away, but as long as we work as a team we can get through them - and he doesn't have to think he is alone while going through it, I am right there with him along the way. Your grandchildren do not understand what is really going on with their mother. They just know they have an unconditional love for her because she is their mother. And that love is okay. Let them know that. Just remind them you love them too and you are their for them. Don't be afraid that you will loose them either. (You mentioned something about your daughter is wanting custody.) After that many years in your care and under the diagnosis she has, I don't believe she would be granted custody. Life can be messy - just remember to let your grandchildren know you are their for them no matter what.
Hope this helps a little. You are welcome to write me again with further thoughts. Good luck to you.
-A.

Hi Jodi,

Just keep on loving them and being a grandma..Ask the Lord to help you get beyond what their Mom says about you. Kids are smart they will figure it out,..they know who has taken care of them..HOWEVER,..the loyalty to their Mom is always going to be there,..Be gentle and don't take what they say personally they are just children struggling as well,..and you are the closest thing to them,..a safe place. Isn't it true we lash out on the ones we love the most,..because it is safe. Look beyond yourself into their little hearts and see their pain..Ask the Lord to show you..They love you,..try not to take offense..Be strong in who you are and the place God has put you in their lives..Take Care..

Jodi, you are in my prayers. Try explaining to the girls that their mother has an illness that makes it extremely hard for her to act the way she should around other people, & that's why she says so many bad things. Tell them you love their mother & you want them to love her also, but they're able to be respectful & you expect them to act that way.

Hopefully the mother is already getting some kind of mental health counciling. It would be very helpful if you & the girls (& your husband also) went to family counciling, to work out the problems between them & you. Maybe later the mother would go with you all also.

It sounds like you should do everything you can to get &/or keep custody of those girls, & for their mom to have only supervised visits so she can't be saying all those things when they're with her.

Constantly pray for the mother... God can reach into the meanest heart & make it gentle. And constantly pray for the girls. They know your love, they're just confused right now.
Praying with you & for you. J.

I'm sorry for having to deal with all of this chaos. I will pray for you.

My heart goes out to you, Jodi. Been there, done that! In my case, it was my own daughter that I had to fight. I gained legal permanent custody of my granddaughter, now age 11. I've had her since she was two years old. If you would like to email me privately, I would be happy to share with you. It was a heartbreaking experience for me, but I had to do it for my precious granddaughter. You are in my prayers.

Sheesh! Disrespectful behavior is so common among young people these days. How terrible that your daughter "teaches" them by speaking this way about you in front of them. I am short on advice for this, other than just stating that speaking/acting in such a manner is not acceptable. I am a teacher at CK Alternative High, and that is what I do with my students (and my 3 kids at home!) It's amazing how kids just don't know - they just don't get it. Keep being steadfast and ask the Lord for help. What a great (and difficult) thing to be raising your grandchildren - that is another prevalent thing these days. Do you have support? Are there any opportunities for the girls to display this poor behavior in front of other people so that they can hear someone besides you tell them it is not okay? Where do you live? Let me know if you could use more opportunities for outsiders to express what is right and wrong in their presence - we could have coffee. - C.

Dear Jodi,

I am so sorry for all you are going through! It's a very tough spot to be in. It's clear to me, and I'm sure to the girls, that you certainly do love them, but their minds are being contaminated by their Mom's anger. It's the discipline side of love that they need it sounds like. Some advocate removing everything but the bed from the misbehaving child's room and making them earn the things back by their good behavior. When they are disrespectful they stay in the empty room instead of doing things they like after school.

Even though you do not bad-mouth the Mother, you can explain that their Mom has an illness that causes her to think and say things that are not true and which makes it harder for her to restrain her temper. But they are not sick, so there is no excuse for them to be disrespectful to those who love and care for them, and you will not allow it. The consequences for disrespect or other bad behavior needs to be something important to them, clear to them, and which will ALWAYS happen.

If you have any control over how often they see their mother, for their sakes I wouldn't let them see her any more than minimally unless she is regularly taking her medication and able to be reasonable. If the state gives her custody you can't do anything about that except pray and fight it legally. God cares about you and these little girls, and He will help you do your best for them. I pray things will soon improve.

L.

Jodi,

This is such a very hard situation and I feel for you. I will be praying for you because God is faithful and is in control at all times even when we don't think so. He has a much bigger plan than we can fathom. Keep your eyes focused on Him and keep in constant prayer. You have taken on a huge job of raising your grand-daughters and the Lord will bless you for that. Keep up the good work and know that we are praying for you.

M.

Dear Jodi, I am praying for you. May you be covered with God's peace as you persevere to love your grandchildren in the midst of these difficulties. May you have wisdom in how to teach them to treat others with respect. May God intervene for these girls and protect them from the harmful influence of their mother's mental illness. God bless you, dear sister and grandmother for opening your heart and home to your granddaughters.

maybe try getting them involved in things outside the home.
Taekwondo is amazing at teaching respect.

Keep their minds busy and interested. Be sure you are giving respect also. Validate their feelings and just listen.

Good luck ... one day they will realize how lucky they are that you and your husband stepped up to love and care for them when their Mom and Dad couldn't or wouldn't.

She is definately not good to be around those girls with that kind of attitude. Those kids my be acting out because they are confused about where they belong. Their mother left and you took them, that hurts, now that she wants them back, you will be leaving them. It's hard and maybe they are trying to weine themselves away from you by being angry. It's easier than feeling. Just remind them that you were the one who was there for them all of this time and you will be there for them for many years. Give them the security that their own mother can't.

As hard as it may sound...prayer really is a strong way to help with problems. And remember that, as hard as it may be, loving your grandchildren and their mother and showing them an example of selfless love can go a long way. I will pray for you and your family. My mom has been raising my nephew for nine years and now that my sister is getting married again she wants to have him all to herself again and it's been really h*** o* our family so I can relate a little. Hang in there, it will all work out for the best.

Hi Jodi -

I have family with very similar parallels.

Please do not take this lightly. Find a mediator or a counselor who can talk with you and give ideas for advice and to better this. These girls DO need to respect you. There is no doubt about that. Some insurances will cover this and some won't. But, there are usually local services that will help you for free or at a low cost.

If it is possible to first get on the same page with mom, that would benefit everyone. However, I realize that may not be possible on your own. Will she go to counseling with you? Counseling is no longer for the deep problems and mental health - it is for advice and knowledge to better your lives. AND IT WORKS if you find a trusted, good counselor.

Good luck to you.

I would imagine counseling of some sort would be helpful, I'm sure they are probably confused as to what exactly is going on with their mom.

Jodi, I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I highly recommend Parenting with Love and Logic. I just finished the one for teens and wish I had read the first one a LONG time ago. There's even one for grandparents but because they are living with you right now, I would start with the original Love and Logic.

I will keep you in my prayers.

T.
www.MomHome4Good.com
www.SaferisBetter.com/tamijb

HI Im a step grama that had to raise a little granddaughter for 10 years before her mama pulled her head out of the drugs she was using. Have you got the girls in counseling? I would go with them and talk this out. they dont know what it is even like to live with their mom as you have protected them. If there is any contact with the mom, I would have it "chaparoned" by a mental health professonal if at all possible.. and if your daughter is not taking her meds the kids can not see her for their own protection. I had my littl granddaughter til she was 14. had to let her go as mom was in recovery for 2 years and that was 2 yrs ago.. they are doing the best they can. but your situation is a little different. I have had several friends with bipolarism.. a terrible disease, as you know. and so easy to not take the meds. I will keep you in my prayers.

Counseling is the best idea...when someone has a mental illness in the family it affects all, and sometimes they need help learning to deal with it. Also...the way you called her schizo...not caring to spell it right...hints that you aren't always the most supportive toward her...maybe the girls pick on bad vibes you feel toward their mom and they feel protective. Mental illness is just that...illness...it isn't something she asked to be burdened with. And if the girls are going to become like her, it's already in their chemical makeup, you can't "stop" it. But through counseling, they (and you) can learn more of how to deal with things like that.

Have you considered doing a fast for them? I recently read a book called The Miracle Results of Fasting. It's a little book I ordered from ChristianBooks.com and it has been such a blessing in my life. I've shared it with numerous people so far.

A friend of mine just shared this with me and I thought it was a powerful idea. She buys a new Bible and spends a year (20 minutes a day) reading that Bible with a particular person in mind. During the course of the reading she writes prayers and notes for that person in the margins. She started this when her daughter was going through a rough stage. Because initially it was for her daughter she also wrote prayers on little pieces of paper and put them under her mattress and throughout her room.

She said within two weeks she noticed a remarkable difference in her daughters behavior.

Your family will be in my prayers!

C.-WAHM to 4 y/o virtual twins
Owner: BeHappierAtHome.com