K.L.
One of the mistakes I feel we make when facing racists attitudes in children is that we see the insulted child as the victim and the offending child as a bully. Both children are confused and need help. If it were me, I'd rather be in your daughter's position than to be a child who has been taught twisted, racist ideologies. Such children are trained into a lifetime of miserable hate. If a first grade child is touting racist attitudes, that child's mind and spirit is being abused and corrupted by some adult(s) in their lives. Although I do think it may be helpful to talk with school staff, I don't agree that punishment is the best solution. Both children need to be rescued and both need to be empowered with the truth. No child is born a racist. You might ask the teacher if there is a subtle way to broaden perspectives and enlighten all the children on the subject. The real goal is to create an atmosphere in which making such statements would be embarrassing. If the child is punished by the school staff, the child will likely just hide such statements from the teacher and/or make it very uncomfortable for your child to tell you about such things in future. It really depends on who the teacher is. Some are very confrontational and haven't developed the art of subtlety. But whether or not you can work with the school, there is a lot you can do with your daughter.
As the mother of the insulted child, I would first help her learn about the history of racism, so she has a grasp of the nature of such superstitions. I would group racism with other examples of unreasonable mass hysteria, such as witch hunts, sexism, etc. I would then explain that every generation has the responsibility to move humanity forward, to help dispel ignorant ideas that hold us back and discover new ideas that move us forward. Every generation has its erroneous beliefs, such as the earth being flat. Then let her know that, although being insulted doesn't feel very good, the beliefs that keep people apart really limit and harm the people who keep those beliefs. Such ideas corrupt their minds and deprive them. It is a kind of poverty. You can certainly tell her that we are all learning and that things are really getting much better. Tell her how you faced much more of this than she ever will, and, that because you and others tried to face it with dignity, you helped things improve. But, be sure to tell her that the better she learns how to help her generation discover the truth, the better it will be for her children. It is important to see our children's challenges as their opportunities!
We lived in Jeff. Co. when my son was in first grade. By second grade I was homeschooling to keep him from being affected by such attitudes. He had a real rainbow of friends from outside the district since he was born, but he still came home from school one day and said, "I don't think I will marry a black girl." They had been on a field trip into the city that day and he had heard many of his classmates responding to the diversity of people they saw. I kept my calm and asked why he felt that way. He said, "It's just not my style." My heart sank, but I decided it was best not to over-react. I waited several minutes and changed the subject a few times. Then I said, "Why don't we plan to have a fun playtime this weekend. Of all the friends you like to play with, which ones do you enjoy playing with the best?" He named 5 kids. Then I asked, "Of those 5, who do you often have the most fun with?" He said, "Tony!" I just waited while the cogs were turning in his head. I knew that was going to be his answer. Tony is Afro-Asian-American. After about 30 seconds, my son looked up with a pleasantly surprised look on his face and said something like, "Loving black people is my style, isn't it Mom?" I remember how I wanted to cry for all the kids in his class that weren't being helped to see the light. I volunteered at the school and I loved those kids.
The school district we were in had very little racial diversity. Although there was very little Asian representation, there were only 3 adopted children with some African lineage in the entire district. While homeschooling, I sometimes met other homeschooling parents. I was shocked to learn how often I was asked if we homeschooled because of the racial problems!!! I learned to confidently answer, "That is exactly why we decided to homeschool. Our son was exposed to so much bigotry, we had to get him out of there!" They never quite knew what to say after that. And, they certainly never brought that subject up with me again!
One of the best things we can ever give our children is the ability to respond to challenges with a truthful, courteous, and audaciously effective response. Once your daughter understands that every generation battles ignorance in some form or another and that this is one of the ignorances she will have opportunities to shed light upon, you can help her be prepared with confident responses. For example: If a child says he/she cannot play with children whose skin shades are different, she might offer her condolences to that child by saying, "Oh, how sad. I'm one of the lucky kids. My parents let me play with all kinds of kids." She might add, "Maybe one day your parents won't be so strict about it. We might have had a lot of fun playing together. But, I have a lot of friends to play with, so it's okay if I don't get to play with you for now." This way she is encouraging the child by suggesting better possibilities, but also making it clearly uncomfortable for that child to say such things to her again.
Sometimes, it's best to keep it simple with a reply like, "What a funny idea!" or "Boy, it would make me sad to think that way. But, you can think any way you wish. It's your brain." You can help your daughter develop confident responses she is most comfortable saying in her own words.
I once met a wise woman who made her children memorize a phrase before she would let them go to school. It went something like. "I think I understand what you're trying to say. I may not agree, but you might be right. I'll have to think about it. Thanks." No matter what rude or insulting thing another child might say, this sort of phrase allows a child to walk away from many challenging situations without it escalating. It also gives them a sort of psychological armor and confidence to develop other social skills.
Something that might be helpful for you to do before focusing completely on helping your daughter is to realize that you have many hurtful memories which your daughter's situation may have triggered. You might want to take a moment to be with your own memories and reframe them by realizing the ignorance that those children were fed by their parents. If you can find forgiveness and acceptance for the pain you endured, you will probably be better able to help your daughter.
My parents and grandparents were plagued with bigotries, although mostly unspoken. When I was still a teenager, I joined a religion that taught principles of unity and focused a good deal of attention on healing racism. It has been the greatest blessing in my life. My son enjoys a very rich diversity of relationships in his life. We really are all moving forward, but racism isn't a thing that has a switch we can just turn off. Folks proved the world wasn't flat more than 500 years ago. It took more than a couple of generations for that to become common knowledge. I have an aunt that still doesn't believe men walked on the moon because we can make almost anything look real with special affects! There is always more to learn and in the area of racism, there is still work to be done.
I hope these thoughts bring you some peace and help you work with your daughter effectively. We all have to learn what to do when people say thoughtless things. This has provided you with a great teachable moment. Hope you enjoy making the best of it!
